Yours
by writingtoreachyou
Summary: Benson finally has her happily ever after with ADA Hayden and their newborn daughter. Only Fin knows that Olivia's fairytale is bittersweet, and that if the truth about her baby girl were revealed it could have a very different ending...
1. Where Do We Go From Here?

"I was beginning to think she was gestating an elephant it's been that long."

"It's been nine months, John. That's pretty average..." and then realising she had relatively little knowledge on the subject Detective Amanda Rollins shrugged casually, "... or so I'm told."

"Did we hear anything yet?" asked Detective Odafin Tutuola, visibly tense. His usual laconic gate had been replaced by an uneasy shuffle over to his desk as busied himself organizing paperwork and refused his colleagues eye contact.

"I think the idea of Liv in a compromising position on the delivery ward is making Detective Tutuola a little uncomfortable." Came the wry observation from Detective John Munch as he leant back in his chair and braced his hands behind his head, pumping his elbows lightly as his heavily lined face grinned at Finn's discomfort.

"How soon do you reckon it'll be before she's back at work?" asked Detective Rollins as she raked wispy blonde hair with her fingertips and scraped it back into a loose bun.

"Well judging from the way David had to haul her up from behind her desk and frog march her out of the precinct for enforced maternity leave..." pouring himself a coffee and joining the conversation Detective Nick Amaro smiled warmly, "... do we give her a week? Two tops?"

"I'm not so sure..." ventured Munch broodingly.

"No, no you're right, you're first kid is different..." recalling his own desperation never to leave his firstborn alone, even for a second, Amaro added sugar to his cup and nodded, "... we'll give her a month at least."

"I don't know, you know? It's been a long and winding road to motherhood for Liv. I'm not so sure she'll _ever_ come back to work now she's finally got her fairytale happy family with the dashing Executive ADA." Tipping his head from side to side, as though weighing up the situation in his mid, Munch dropped his hands forward and leaned toward his partner. "Where's your money at, twitchy?"

"It's her life."

"Finn..." frowned Rollins curiously, as Dt. Tutuola made an inelegant exit to stage left and unnecessarily ferried an armful of case files in the direction of the Captain's office, "... what's with him? He's had a face like friggin' thunder since first thing this morning."

"I guess the Dubrowski case got to him..." shrugged Amaro, settling into the role of rational peacemaker among the group for once, "... it was a long haul flight for all of us but he was one to tell the family there was insufficient evidence. It can't have been easy after all these months."

"That isn't it." Said Munch with a steady, even calm. Knowing his partner all too well he was confident that this was more than the professional turning personal for Finn. His unsettling ran deeper than any case and though he had no tangible evidence to support his gut feeling it was as certain as the perplexed concern on Amanda Rollins' open face.

"Well whatever it is that's eatin' Finn I sure as heck know that it's lack of sleep that's gittin' to me. I think I'm gonna call it a night..." leaning heavily against the desk Rollins hauled herself upright and slid a tan leather jacket from the back of her chair with a yawn, "... anyone else?"

"No, no I'm gonna stay and write up the Dubrowski notes with Finn..." replied Munch with a weary resolution, before gesturing his hand in a brushing motion toward Amaro, "... but you should _both_ go home. No sense in us all wallowing in our combinedl inadequacies as bringers of justice."

"Before you two head out?" came the resonating call of their patriarch as Captain Donald Cragen stepped out of his office, the apples of his cheeks rounded and lightly flushed with glowing pride.

"Captain?" pushed Rollins, exhaustion giving way to curiosity.

"I just got off the phone with Hayden..." as Amaro and Rollins waited with anticipation Munch's eyes were drawn to a stony faced Finn lurking in Cragen's shadow, "... and he's proud to announce the safe arrival of Baby Girl Benson, weighing in at a healthy 8lbs 2oz."

"How's Liv doing?" asked Nick Amaro, a rushing desire to call his wife overseas sweeping over him.

"Exhausted but ecstatic were the exact words used." Feeling almost like a proud father himself Donald Cragen radiated joy as he stood before his assembled troops. There was something deeply comforting to him that finally, after all these years his lost soul had finally found solace. Olivia Benson finally had the family she had so longed for.

"Finn?" said Munch, openly questioning of his partner's faraway expression as Amaro and Rollins basked in the afterglow of the news around Benson's empty desk.

"Dubrowski notes." Replied Finn blankly, lifting his dark eyes to meet with Munch's penetrating gaze.

"Everything okay?" asked Munch, unaware that as they spoke Finn's left thumb was pressing firmly over the 'send' button on his cell phone.

"Sure, sure I'm good." Shrugged the heavy set shoulders of Odafin Tutuola as his words ventured out of the quad room, across cyber space, and into a hospital delivery suite.

_"I love you but this is messed up, Liv. You gotta tell El the truth. Call me."_


	2. In Spite And Not Because Of

"Can I hold her?" asked a beaming ADA David Hayden, leaning forward in his seat beside girlfriend Olivia Benson's bed as she cradled their newborn tenderly. "Just for a minute?"

"I..."

"Olivia?" he asked softly, seeing heavy, dew drop tears well at her eyes as she moved her lips in wordless shapes. "What it is? Darling?"

"I thought about this moment. So many times. Dreamt about it. Imagined it. Pictured every little detail of how I'd feel but..." shaking her head steadily from side to side she flinched at David's touch as he reached fingertips to rest lightly on her arm, "... my God."

"It's a lot for you. I know. I understand. I just..."

"She's perfect. She's like a little piece of everything I never thought I'd have. She's the only truly real thing I've ever known..." it was as if they were stuck in some closed escape from time and space, as if nothing else existed in that moment as Olivia bent down and pressed a kiss against her newborn daughter's forehead, "... she's the first person whose ever been completely mine."

"You're exhausted. You're beyond emotional right now and I wish..." swallowing steadily David lowered his eyes, took a long baited pause, and then lifted his gaze to meet hers, "... and I wish that you would take some time before you do this."

"David I..."

"You can't take it back, Olivia. Once you say the words it'll always be there. Once you steal that veil of blissful ignorance from me you can't ever replace it. What happens after that is..." shrugging powerlessly he sighed.

"You talk like a lawyer."

"You talk like a victim."

"David!" came the startled smart as Olivia was blindsided by his sudden, impassioned inability to remain calmly reticent.

"Are you in love with him?" asked tired eyes as the attorney stared at the police officer, and the whole world that had come to stand between them suddenly span wildly on its axis. He had thought that asking the question directly would've brought instant clarity, in her eyes if not in her worded response. Yet ever the enigma there was nothing in Olivia Benson's deep, chocolate eyes but pain and a little girl lost fragility tightly housed in a fortress of warrior strength.

"I..."

"Say it. It's half out the bag now so you might as well hatch it. You said she was your fresh start, you said she was your new beginning, your Eve. So be true to that, respect it and respect her. Look me in the eye when you tell me that..."

"She's not yours."

"Wow..." it was as if he were suddenly in a vacuum, and in the stark presence of reality he was quite breathless as Olivia repeated painfully.

"She's not yours, David."

"I thought it'd be harder hearing it out loud but somehow it's strangely..."

"You knew." Was not a question but a statement from Olivia as she stared at him, jaw slack and eyes saucer like as David's clenched jaw answered her instantly.

"You're a horrible liar..." with a tired, lop sided smile and adoring eyes David melted vulnerably and confessed, "... so yeah, yeah I knew."

"Oh David..." closing her eyes, squeezing her dark lashes tightly and gripping the infant in her arms as though they world were already attempting to steal her away Olivia exhaled quite overcome.

"I let you lie to me. I bought that little girl a stroller, a Moses basket, a collection of tiny little clothes and built her a life to get born into and I did it knowing deep down the whole time that she wasn't mine."

"I don't know what to say. I don't know how to even begin to..."

"I _haven't_ even begun to deal with this, Olivia. I haven't even begun to process, to really feel what you did or to try and understand why. All I know is that I'm in this. I have no choice in that. I _have had_ no choice in that from that first weekend we spent together in your apartment when the whole world fell away and all that was left was the way you're looking at me right now."

"David I can't..."

"Let me hold her?" he asked, knowing that for that moment there was nothing more to be said. There were no words to be found that could even begin to verbalise what either one of them was feeling and so instead he simply said, "Everything else is just..."

"Okay."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah..." came the hesitant nod that burgeoned into a tearful smile, as Olivia relinquished her iron clad grip on the tiny newborn and released her into David's waiting arms.


	3. See The Thorn Twist In Your Side

"I'm gonna run to the store and grab those few things..." collecting his jacket and cell phone on his way across the room David paused at the sofa, bending lightly at the knee and leaning down to press a tender kiss against Olivia's temple, "... anything else you need while I'm there?"

"Nope, no i'm good..." it had been so long since she'd spoken her throat was dry and the word's were stifled as they escaped in a choke, "... thanks."

"Call if you need me? Or you start getting that dizziness again?"

"I told you I just stood up too quickly earlier..." and then, repeating a phrase she had uttered ad nausea since they had brought her home from the hospital one day earlier Olivia reassured him, "... I'm fine."

"Eve shouldn't need another feed for another hour or so at least so I'll be back in time to help you if..."

"I'm fine, she's fine, we are _fine_ so please..." holding up a trembling hand outstretched, placing a physical barrier between them and moving her head away from his hovering lips Olivia entreated hoarsely, "... just go get the groceries. Go for a walk in the park if you want. Take an hour or so. It's fine."

"Olivia..."

"Don't..." closing her eyes and inhaling slowly she pleaded, "... please?"

"I just..."

"Please just leave it? I swear to God I can't do this twice in one day."

"I'm worried about you, is that so wrong?"

"No."

"Then..."

"Stop. Stop it. You can't make me do this again, it isn't fair. You ask me questions I can't answer and when I can't we start to fight. When we start to fight I start to cry and then that wakes the baby up and it starts to cry. I then have no control over my own body and I start to sob like a crazy person and leak like a cow in need of milking. The sobbing pulls at my stitches and it hurts and..." taking several, short, shaky breaths Olivia gave him her eyes and begged with them, "... it _hurts_, David."

"I'm sorry..."

"Oh God, no, no _I'm_ sorry..." shaking her head miserably from side to side Olivia sniffled staunchly and exhaled, "... I am total wreck. Just ignore me? Ignore anything I say until I'm functioning like a normal, rational human being again?"

"Do me a favour?" murmured David softly, pressing a light kiss against her lips and then keeping their faces close as she answered.

"Sure?"

"Get some sleep? Take a nap while Eve's down for hers? Then when I'm back I'll cook us dinner and we can watch a cheesy movie or something."

"A what now?" came the wry smile he knew and adored.

"Oh no, no, just no. I love you Olivia but if I have to sit through one more of your weird, angsty, the world is the devil movies I swear I'll..." and then, because he was unsure as to whether he'd ever be able to say no to her David laughed in surrender, "... okay you know what, let's just review that later. Now go to sleep, I'll be back soon."

* * *

><p>"It's the end of an era."<p>

"They're not dead!" scoffed Amanda Rollins dismissively, refusing to indulge yet more melancholic discussion. "This squad room is turning into some weird memorial for _Benson and Stabler_ no longer righting wrongs and singing freakin' songs."

"Wow, don't hold back Rollins. Say what you really think." Said Casey Novak, her lips pulling to a shrewd smile as her eyes danced across the desk she was perched on toward John Munch.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise to her, rookie. She's just yanking your chain." Reassured Fin Tutuola with a vague attempt at a smile.

"Oh don't think I don't remember what it's like being the new girl in this lion den. It's painful and infuriating and makes you wanna cry like a baby..." with a twisted grin Casey shrugged, "... but it's a rite of passage."

"Speaking of which, when will we get to meet our Team Baby?" asked Munch, twisting a pencil between his fingers and feeling a strange and unfamiliar rush of almost paternal pride.

"Not for a while yet I'd imagine. I didn't know Liv had a c-section in the end, she must be pretty wiped out?" asked Casey, softening her tone as she spoke of her friend. "Anyone spoken to her since the birth?"

"Not that I know of..." shrugged Amaro, joining in the conversation for the first time as eyes looked to him for an answer, "... it was Hayden who called the Captain the night Eve was born."

"Do we think she's up to answering the phone?" was a genuine, awkwardly inept question from Munch as he struggled to wrap his head around the delicacies of the situation.

"Captain? Everything alright?" asked Rollins, seeing Cragen's gray faced expression as he emerged from his office.

"No, no it isn't. Carrie Eldridge called 911 five minutes ago claiming she'd been raped."

"Carrie Eldridge..." repeated Munch musingly, "... that name is familiar."

"You want us to go talk to her, Cap?" asked Amaro.

"I wish we could. The operator was still on the line when she heard raised voices followed by a loud scream."

"Oh God..." swallowed Rollins, as the team hung off Cragen's ever morose word.

"I just got a call to say a girl meeting Carrie's description just fell off a seventh floor hotel balcony in midtown, she's in surgery now but they're having a hard time saving both her and the baby."

"She was pregnant? Jesus..." breathed Amaro, as Munch's face fell suddenly.

"I just figured out who she is. She's the girl who went to juvi for bludgeoning her boozy mother to death, isn't she?"

"She was released earlier this year..."

"You want us to head to the hospital?" asked Amaro, rising from his chair and reaching for his coat.

"No, no you and Rollins head to the hotel, Munch and Fin will go wait to interview..." pausing for a moment and scanning the assembled company Cragen furrowed his brow, "... wait, where's Fin?"

"I guess he stepped out..." covered Munch, knowing how rare it was for his partner to vanish without a word, "... I'll round him up again on the way over there."

"Good, good then we'll touch base soon. Let's just start by trying to get at least some idea what's been going on for Carrie since she's been out, and then what the hell happened in that hotel room."

* * *

><p>"Fin..."<p>

"You remember my name then?" came the sullen faced reply from Olivia's doorstep as Detective Tutuola stood with his hands firmly shoved into his pockets and a deep scowl knotting bushy black brows.

"Getting up from the sofa to come answer this door was a monumental feat Finn so don't you dare give me a hard time now I'm here."

"I've been texting and calling you for days."

"Four days. The first of which I was having a child cut out of me and the following three was busy wishing they'd left her in there." Came the deadpan reply from Olivia as she literally hung off her door and, leaning heavily against it, shifted her weight between feet in order to prevent her stitches pulling.

"She alright? The baby?" asked Fin, affection oozing from every pore despite his refusal to surrender her a smile.

"She's good, thank you."

"Cragen said you named her Eve."

"Yeah, yeah I..." she nodded slowly, seeing her friend's inability to lie written all over the disgust in his expression.

"I'm trying really, _really _freakin' hard to bite my tongue, but it's killing me. Liv you gotta know what you're doing here is eating me alive..." meeting her eyes and shaking his head in disbelief Finn murmured gruffly, "... isn't it you?"

"I..." staring at him misty eyed Olivia caught her breath, exhaling steadily and pressing a hand lightly against her lower abdomen.

"You okay?"

"Honestly?" came the shaky, broken voiced entreat as Finn stepped inside her apartment and scooped his strong arm around her waist supportively.

"It's cool, it's cool..." propping her up Finn walked her slowly back to the sofa and pushing aside all his misgivings reassured, "... you're okay, you're good, I've got you. I've got you."


	4. Runaway With My Heart

"Poor, stupid, kid."

"Don't."

"I'm just saying that sometimes you can call it. We picked up the pieces of her train wreck once and it was only a matter of time before..."

"Are you for real?" scoffed Finn in disgust, pausing slack jawed, mid chew of his bagel and staring blankly at his partner's expressionless précis of their situation. "That girl has seen more hurt and violence in her two decades than most people see in a lifetime. That's the kind of f-cked up world we live in, so how about you cut her a break until we..."

"Every action has a consequence. She put herself in that hotel room the same way she chose to fight back against her mother."

"Did she though? She's what, twenty years old? Correction did God knows to a vulnerable kid like Carrie and then she's back out onto the streets with nothing and no one. We have no idea how or why she ended up in that hotel room but my money sure as hell ain't on it being a choice she made willingly."

"Okay who are you and what have you done with Detective Tutuola? I thought the bleeding heart of the faction was off on maternity leave." Smiled John Munch, knowing the bounds in which he could tease his partner and that he was pushing them just ever so slightly given Finn's obviously unsettled mood.

"What's your point?"

"I wasn't making a..." stumbled Munch, suddenly less confident of where to draw the line.

"The fact is that we haven't the first clue _what_ happened before she fell. Only that she called in a rape and then she hit the asphalt a few minutes later."

"Finn I honestly wasn't..."

"So now she's unconscious, her baby is road kill and you're giving me your stony faced crap about actions and consequences? You don't have to be a bleeding heart to show a little mercy John..." rising from the plastic chair on which he had been sat Finn brushed bagel crumbs from his jacket and huffed with a disgruntled misery, "... and if Liv were here she'd bust your balls for being so goddamn cruel."

"I knew Carrie Eldridge's case had really gotten to Benson for obvious reasons but this is really under your skin too, isn't it?" asked Munch, softening slightly on realising the depth of Finn's disquiet. "What's going on, Finn?"

"Nothing, nothing it's just been a long day is all."

"It's _always_ a long day." Replied Munch with a firm persistence, never a truer word spoken of their line of work.

"It's just hard seeing a messed up kid take another punch is all."

"You've dealt with worse and barely even flinched. It's what makes you so good at what we do. Try again, I'm not biting." Despite his seemingly unmoved expression, the fine lines around Munch's eyes betrayed a profound concern for his partner and it made it all the harder for Finn to remain detached in his responses.

"It was just a tough ride with Carrie the first time around and..."

"It's Benson, isn't it?" narrowing his eyes behind thickly rimmed glasses John Munch watched, quietly observant of the wince of emotion in Finn's eyes.

"What?" said Finn tensely, recoiling as though his fingers had gotten a little too close to the flame.

"Carrie and her mother were just yet another screwed up mother and daughter for all but one of us. This isn't about Carrie at all is it?" an exceptional observer of people it had taken John Munch only a few minutes to drill down to the true heart of the matter. "You wanna talk to me, partner?"

"No, no I don't. It's nothing, bro. I just got a little up in my head for a while there. I'm good. I'm all good now."

"This doesn't have to be the end of Carrie's story. She's young, there's time. Olivia had to wait years for her happy ending but she got there in the end..." in a rare moment of optimism, mustered entirely for his partner's benefit, Munch proffered a tight but generous little smile, "... and we'll do whatever we can to make sure Carrie get's there too."

"I'm grateful for what you did there..." shifting his weight awkwardly between feet Finn shoved his hands into the pockets of his long leather jacket and mumbled, "... being, you know, reassuring and whatever."

"I know you don't want to talk. I respect that. Just answer me one question?" tested Munch, tilting his head back in challenge of Finn's trust in him. "Is Liv alright?"

"She's fine." Said Finn, with a poker face so proficient not even Munch was able to read between the lines.

"Fine, fine then answer me one more question?" Then, without pausing for permission, the older of the two men added, "If she isn't alright..." it was as if, subconsciously, the answer was already being felt somewhere deep within as Munch sought his own reassurance, "... have you got her back?"

"I'm gonna call Rollins..." responding with the profound affection in troubled eyes Finn didn't need to reply to his partner's question directly, "... see if they've had any leads at the hotel."

"She's barely said more than ten consecutive words to me since Eve was born and I'm scared to death, Alex."

"I know."

"I mean she's never been the most verbose of women, she's never been emotionally effusive unless you beat it out of her but this is just plain unnerving. I have no idea where her head is at right now. I can't even begin to imagine all that she's feeling but I want to. I just wish she'd let me in. Standing on the outside of the glass walls she builds around herself is as frustrating as all hell and I can't help but think..." pausing momentarily David lifted his gaze to the porcelain features, and enigmatic eyes of Alexandra Cabot and trusted, "... is this what it's going to be like?"

"No, no of course not. Of course not."

"Only it feels like we've been living in a fantasy, a fairytale. We got to happy ever after and then we fell off the end of the page. Now we're free falling in this no man's land where she doesn't talk to me and I just lumber about the place trying to do the right thing but all the time waiting to wake up and realise..."

"David don't! Nothing has changed, not really. She's still the same Olivia she was before Eve was born. When you two were making eyes across the room at the NYPD ball she would _never_ have attended before she met you, she's still the same, when she _finally _got to see Paris and when she laughed harder and longer than I've ever known her too..." furrowing her brow Alex leant forward and lay a gentle hand on David's wrist, "...don't give up on her, okay?"

"I just thought it would all be so perfect, you know?"

"It still _can_ be!" entreated the blonde attorney, desperate that her colleague hang onto the tethered ends of his rope.

"Alex there's something..."

"David?" she asked softly, his name pronounced with such compassionate concern it only encouraged the desperation he felt to confide in someone whose integrity he knew he could trust.

"You talked just now about Olivia and I making eyes at each other at the ball but if only you knew..." closing his eyes and turning away David reached a hand to his face, covering his mouth with his palm and strong his face broodingly.

"_David?_" repeated Alex, becoming deeply concerned by the grey faced anxiety washing over the Executive ADA as he hesitated in speaking further. "If only I knew what?"

"If only you knew..." he repeated, swallowing hard at the knot in his throat before removing his hand and giving her his misty eyes, "... who she was _really_ making eyes at that night."

"I'm so sorry. I am so, so very sorry little darling. Of all the mom's in all the world you got stuck with me. I'm a mess. I am. I don't know how to do this. I thought I would. I thought I could. I was an idiot. I was a stupid, naive, arrogant..." reaching out a trembling hand and pushing it tentatively into the wicker basket beside her bed Olivia croaked, "... because this is _so much_ harder than I _ever_ thought it would be."

From inside the bassinette the chubby, cherubic newborn stirred. Bright, ice blue eyes peeped open and blinked thick, spidery lashes at the world as a little girl attempted to find her due north. And then there she was. Deep chocolate eyes staring down with oceans of love hidden behind a veil of profound insecurity and private fear of loss. If until that moment there had been a timid acceptance of mutual need, there was suddenly a connection of profound, unconditional love. For the first time a bond was formed, so strong in his ties that it stole the breath of the mother and eased the restless stirs of the child.

"Hi, hey, hey there little darling..." holding her stitches with one hand Olivia slid to the edge of the bed and leant forward, peering into the bassinette and grinning so widely her cheeks began to ache, "... it's your momma. I'm right here. It's okay. It's gonna be okay."

Ignoring any physical pain Olivia lifted herself off the bed just enough to reach down and wrap her hands around the infant's tiny torso. Once confident her grip was tight she hoisted her into the air and then drew her tight into her chest, gasping at the born again euphoria she finally felt in finally allowing herself to let it all in. Freeing herself from the terror of failure, the fear of loss, and the constrains of her genetic propensity to fail Olivia bent down and pressed a murmuring kiss against the little girl's forehead.

"I've got you, baby girl. You're safe. You are safe, you are loved..." unclasping her bra Olivia began to nurse, heart pounding in her chest and tears stinging at her throat as she whispered, "... and I will _fight_ for you, Evie. You won't ever be alone, I swear it."


	5. The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore

"Anything from CSU?"

"No leads. The room was booked out in Carrie's name, she paid cash, there were no signs of forced entry and no missing key card."

"Great, great so we're absolutely nowhere." Signed Rollins, the new day bringing them no plot advancements and no flickering hope of any on the horizon.

"If no one else is gonna say it then I'm just gonna go ahead..." began Amaro tentatively, not overly keen to play bad cop but knowing he and Rollins were potentially the only ones detached enough to fill the role, "... are we even sure that this _was_ a case of rape?"

"She called it in."

"Anyone can pick up a phone..." replying to Munch's instant defence of Carrie's story Amaro shrugged, "... but we have no evidence, no perp and until Carrie wakes up no complainant."

"I hate to admit it but Amaro's right. This isn't going anywhere until Carrie wakes up or we get even so much as a second print from that hotel room..." nodded Rollins, closing the case file on her desk and sitting back in her chair, "... but it's your call guys, you're the leads on this one?"

"Finn?" asked Munch, allowing his partner to have the last word.

"We keep on CSU's backs, we have the hospital call us the second Carrie wakes up and we keep it on the top of our pile until we have good reason not to..." nodding steadily Finn allowed his head to overrule his churning gut, "... but other than that we stick a pin in this one."

"Works for me."

"I'm good with that."

"Amaro can I grab you?" came the call from across the squad room as Donald Cragen leant out his office with an indiscernible expression.

"With you in two, Cap."

"Now please, Detective." As the assembled group began to mock Detective Amaro for any suspected reprimanding he might be about to experience Cragen remained unflinching.

"Should I be worried?" asked Nick, stepping at pace across the room and closing the gap between himself and the superior officer.

"Nick I just got off the phone with Fort Bragg..." pursing his lips gravely Cragen gestured to his left and held the door open, "... and I think you ought to step inside."

* * *

><p>"Well you're looking brighter!"<p>

"I think it's the first time in over three weeks where I haven't woken up feeling like I've been hit by an eighteen wheeler." Replied Olivia with a tired but genuine smile as David entered the living room to find her nursing Eve on the sofa.

"I was thinking of heading into the office this morning. It's been a while and I'm pretty sure when my number unread e-mails are starting to creep into four digits it's time to take evasive action."

"Okay, sure, no worries..." came the calm, relaxed smile as Olivia gratefully accepted a glass of juice from him, "... we can take care of ourselves for the day, can't we Evie?"

"Are you sure?" asked David, pouring himself a cup of coffee and clutching it with an uncertain furrowing of his brow.

"Babe I got up, I showered, I'm wearing actual clothes..." twisting her lips to a wry smile Olivia batted dark lashes and reassured, "... trust me, I've got this."

"Promise me you'll call if you need me? If you need anything? I'll have my cell with me the whole time and..."

"David?" came the firm interjection as Olivia lifted Eve up onto her shoulder and rubbed her back with a soothing encouragement, "Stop worrying. I'm fine. We're fine. Go to work, sort out whatever you've got to sort out. Evie and I will look after each other..." nuzzling her nose into the peachy soft cheek on her shoulder and pressing a kiss against it Olivia added, "... won't we, baby girl?"

"Just don't overdo it, okay?" came the final, doting warning as David kissed both of them in turn and lingered hesitantly.

"Go!"

"I just don't trust you to stay on that sofa and rest while I'm gone..." narrowing his eyes with a suspicious smile David lifted his jacket from the back of a kitchen stool, "... I'm nervous I'll get home to find you undertaking a little light construction or attempting to change a law between diapers."

"You don't trust me to stay on the sofa or you just don't trust me?" was the question Olivia perhaps oughtn't to have asked in that moment but the one that plummeted the conversation to icy depths from its previously warm and comfortable plain.

"Olivia..."

"I'm sorry. Babe I'm sorry that was out of line and..."

"Send Cragen my regards." Replied David, breezing past the tension and startling Olivia by making a conversational detour.

"What?"

"You think I don't know that's the first place you'll head the moment my back is turned?" his voice was calm, steady, and despite her fears, trusting. "Olivia it isn't that I don't trust you. It's that I know you. Well enough to know that I can stand here and caution you all I like but you'll make it down to that precinct even if you have to wince every step of the way."

"And you're angry with me for that?"

"No, no not in the slightest."

"Yeah?" she challenged, curious more than doubting.

"Olivia you are the most pig headed, wilful, stubborn ass woman I have ever known..." sighing with unashamed adoration David shrugged, "... but I knew that going into this. I'm not about to try and change you."

"It's not about the job..." she began, voice rasping with emotion as she met his eyes and trusted him with one more tiny piece of her, "... at least not right now."

"Because it would be okay if it was. I know how much it means to you and..."

"They're my family, David."

"I understand." He didn't, he accepted, but there was an unconditional willingness to try to.

* * *

><p>"It's gonna be so strange."<p>

"The amount of change this squad room has seen in the past year it won't be so very strange..." smiled Dr George Huang, his kind eyes a much needed tonic to the unrest among the troops, "...and in some ways this is a little like coming full circle."

"Yeah only I've gone from _finally _having figured out what makes everyone tick to not having the first clue all over again. This changes everything. With Benson off on maternity leave Munch and Finn were the last of the old order. Even before she left it felt like we were finally getting into some kind of rhythm. It wasn't perfect, it didn't always work but we were starting to bring out the best in each other. Now it's all bent out of shape again and..."

"It's okay to feel a loss. You might not have been working with Detective Amaro long but bonds are forged faster than normal in this line of work. When you endure the kind of emotional strain that SVU detectives have to day in, day out, you get close. Your partner becomes your life line. They know the very best and the very worst in you and they're the ones you turn to, the ones you lean on."

"I just hope his wife is okay, that's all."

"Detective Rollins..."

"I mean talk about being blindsided. I guess for him it wasn't so unthinkable. You marry the army and you know it's always a possibility, but his face! His _face_ when he came out of Cragen's office."

"What matters is that he's with her now. She's in the best possible hands and he's with her."

"I can never life up to her."

"Amaro's wife?" asked Dr Huang, even in his immense capacity as a reader of minds unable to make the mental leap Rollins had in that moment.

"Detective Benson." Came the flat, defeatist reply from the troubled blonde.

"I'm not sure I follow you're..."

"I saw the way he looked at her. I might never have seen them in action together the way Munch and Finn did. All I knew was the way she was when Amaro and I first got here. The way she treated him because of who he wasn't. She was broken _hearted_ at having lost her partner and Amaro was never going to fill those shoes. Then the night of that ball when they saw each other across the room?" shaking her head steadily Rollins took a long, baited breath and exhaled, "There were _fireworks_, Dr Huang."

"And you're intimidated by it? The power of that partnership? You feel like you won't be able to do your job with..."

"I would give anything to have a man look at me the way he looked at Benson that night..." feeling a sudden flush at having revealed too much Rollins shrugged off the thought and added dismissively, "... and who the hell am I to walk in that shadow?"

"You're his partner now, the same way she was then. Amaro is on compassionate leave indefinitely and the team is changing yet again. Out with the new and in with the old. The important thing, the main thing you need to focus on is that this isn't about what happened then. That's all in the past. This is about what's happening right here, right now. This is about doing your job..." sympathetic but firm Dr Huang added wistfully, "... and having each others' back."

"This wasn't just us grabbing a coffee, was it Dr Huang? You've been shrinking my head this whole time..." narrowing her eyes and mentally kicking herself for not being more perceptive Rollins rolled her eyes, "...at Cragen's bidding no doubt."

"Nothing on the record, don't think of it like that. I'm not working for IAD. Just a concerned Captain looking out for his team..." pushing a sugar sachet back and forth across the table Huang asked, "... so don't judge him too harshly for it, okay?"

* * *

><p>"You have no idea how good it is to see you, Liv."<p>

"You have no idea how good it is to be out of the house, Captain."

"Really? And I naively believed stories of the first few weeks being all flowers and bunnies."

"If you're Mary-Ellen Walton maybe, but in the real world?" smiled Olivia drily, no sight ever as touching as that of Captain Donald Cragan parading around his office with her daughter cradled lovingly in his arms.

"Seriously though, how are you holding up?" asked the only paternal voice she had ever known, rendering her almost tearful for a moment. Then, rallying herself and reaching for the wry humour that sustained her Detective Benson leaned back in her chair and sighed.

"I'm on enough painkillers to stun a moose, Cap..." closing her eyes and holding them shut for a moment she took a breath, then opening them slowly trusted him with the truth, "... and they stop me from realising that I haven't got a freakin' clue what I'm doing with her."

"She doesn't look too worried..." jostling Eve lightly Cragen smiled a broad, twinkly eyed grin, "... in fact she looks happy as a clam if you ask me."

"So what's going on here? I had coffee with Munch earlier and he told me about Amaro's wife..." blinking in remembered disbelief Olivia asked, "... is there any news?"

"All we know is that they put her on transport to a military hospital in Germany and they're flying Amaro out to meet with her. She's still critical but deemed stable enough for the move so..." shrugging lightly Cragen added, "... so that's something I guess."

"Something but not enough, my God he must be going out of his mind..." she breathed, leaning forward in her seat and bracing her elbows against her knees as another thought occurred, "... so will Rollins work with Finn while he's gone? Let Munch be the back seat driver he so enjoys being?"

"Not exactly..."

"Captain?" she asked, seeing a strange faraway look in Cragen's eyes as though there was something he was avoiding saying.

"I wasn't planning on telling you just yet but..."

"Tell me what?"

"It all happened pretty quickly and it isn't exactly an ideal situation from my point of view but..."

"Captain that was the hospital..."

"You might want to try knocking, detective!" growled Cragen, stepping forward in challenge as his door flung open unexpectedly.

"Carrie Eldridge woke up about a half hour ago and..." unapologetic the broad shouldered detective held his ground, throwing his body weight at the situation with all the bluster, passion and bravado of a seasoned fighter in the field, "... wait what..." stumbling over his words the detective fell quiet, watching and waiting as his eyes drifted between the child in Cragen's arms and the familiar eyes that turned to face him.

"If you hadn't burst in here like a..." feeling his own pulse quicken on sensing the electric charge of current running between the two bodies in front of him Captain Cragen added quietly, "...we have a visitor."

"Liv..."

"El..." she managed hoarsely, the syllable catching in her throat as the former partners simply stared at one another dumbfounded.


	6. Earthquake Weather Has Got Me Shaking

_**Edit: Kind reviewers have pointed out a couple of things I have gratefully taken on board... firstly I've been unconsciously adding an extra 'n' onto Finn, apologies. Secondly I am evidently not good with colours and will hereafter correct Elliot's eye colour to it's true blue as opposed to the grey green stated here. Sorry for the irksome errors, consider them righted with thanks :) **_

* * *

><p>"Well that was subtle."<p>

"Don't start with me, Finn."

"You know if you're gonna keep this up you're gonna have to get a hell of a lot better at it, Liv."

"I swear to God there is _not_ enough left in me right now to fight with you so..." holding up the hand that wasn't cradling Eve tight into her shoulder Olivia closed her eyes and willed her friend's silence.

"You don't think they're gonna start to talk? You don't think a room full of detectives aren't gonna start to piece this one together?" they were truths that she already knew, but ones made no easier for the telling as Finn Tutuola paced back and forth in front of the wall Olivia was perched on outside the precinct.

"I just..." she gasped, staring up at him and shaking her head desperately, "... I just couldn't breathe. I didn't know he was back at work and then there he was. I had to get out of there fast."

"Yeah, yeah and you was stealth about it too."

"It's hard to make a graceful exit with a giant diaper bag, a baby and a belly full of raw stitches..." she shot back hotly, eyes throwing white hot daggers at her colleague, "...and you are being a real son of a bitch today, you know that right?"

"You know I'm on your side."

"Yeah..." swallowed Olivia, shifting Eve onto her other shoulder and wincing as stitches, back, muscles and heart all ached in harmony.

"Hey, hey hand her over..." holding out bear like paws Finn leant down, his leather jacket creaking as he wrapped his fingers around Eve's tiny torso and hoisted her up onto his chest, "... there we go, there you go baby beautiful, that's better isn't it?"

"I can't do this, Finn."

"Sure you can..." came the quick reply as Finn danced from one foot to the other and patted Eve's diaper repetitively until she settled in his arms, "... but it don't mean you should."

"Will you cover for me? Tell them I got sick or something?" she asked, pushing the bigger questions to the back of her mind for fear or losing her grip entirely.

"Course I will, but I meant what I said..." rearranging Eve's cardigan and pulling faces at her Finn cautioned, "... you picked the wrong audience to try keep a secret from."

"What _are_ you doing?" she asked, entirely distracted from the gravity of his warning by the way he was poking lightly at Eve's nose with his comparatively giant index finger.

"I just love babies' noses, the way they just squish like a little button mushroom."

"Okay you're officially scaring the crap out of _me_ but weirdly..." blissfully relieved that her newborn was quiet, contended and in someone else's tender care for a while Olivia laughed with an exhausted sigh, "... she seems cool with it, so who I am to interfere."

"We're bonding..." came the toothy grin from Finn as his eyes sparkled down at the infant, whose grey green saucers stared back up at him mesmerized, "... aren't we mushroom nose?"

"I don't know what to do, Finn."

"I can't answer that one for you, Liv. You gotta decide what happens next. I might ride your ass for doing what I think is messed up and wrong but you have my word, you have my _word_..." meeting his friend's eyes Finn nodded his head and vowed, "... no one will hear the truth from me. Not even Elliot. You're driving this one. I'm just a passenger."

"Finn I don't know what I'd have done without you the past nine months..." hauling herself up from the bench Olivia leant into Finn's arms and exhaled exhaustedly as he enveloped both her and Eve in his protective grip, "... you're the best freakin' passenger anyone could have."

* * *

><p>"So what was weird back there, with Benson?"<p>

"I don't understand what's taking them so long. She's awake, she's an adult..." pacing back and forth in the hospital reception area Detective Elliot Stabler's grey green eyes ricocheted around the room, "... we should be in that room."

"Did you two part on bad terms or..."

"Don't, okay Rollins? We're not friends, we don't need to do this. We're just two detectives working a case together and..."

"We're partners. I'm your _partner_ now, Stabler..." and then, saying that which was blindingly obvious but deserved verbalising Rollins added, "... whether you like it or not."

"Where the hell is that damn doctor?" slamming a fisted right hand into the palm of his left Elliot pivoted on his foot and turned away from a dazzled Detective Rollins.

"I don't know but one thing's for damn sure, you're not going anywhere near that frightened girl in the state you're in right now. You wanna go walk off a little of that blind rage you're toting around with you there, buddy?"

"I'm fine..."

"The hell you are." Shot back Rollins, willing to tolerate living in the shadow of the past to a point but refusing to let it intimidate her. Standing her ground and squaring her shoulders to her partner she braced her hands against her hips and stared unblinkingly up at him.

"I know this kid. I know what she went through with her mother and I think I understand at least a little of where she's coming from."

"So go grab a coffee, take a walk, let the doctors finish up with her..." treading carefully, aware of her place as the rookie Rollins nodded, "... and then come back and get her to tell us what in heck's name happened in that hotel room."

"I don't like change."

"No kidding."

"Huh..." with a single, guttural laugh Stabler nodded in defeat. However hard he may have tried to hold her at arm's length there was something naive and unassuming about Amanda Rollins. Her quiet resilience to his boisterous temper was disarming, and her candid frankness was, though he hated to admit it, was a refreshing change to Benson's enigmatic charm.

"We don't have to be friends, Elliot. Hell you don't even have to like me. You do have to work with me though. You left and things changed. They're not ever going to be the way they were again. This isn't a year ago, I'm not Olivia Benson, and that's just how it is. So either you need to accept that and move on or you need to walk away right now..." pursing her lips Rollins spoke with gravity, "... because this isn't going to work if I can't trust that you've got my six."

"How'd you take your coffee?"

"Black one sugar, why?"

"New partner 101. If you know how they take their coffee..." with a tight, but giving smile Elliot's eyes apologised, "... you're halfway there already."

* * *

><p>"You overdid it, didn't you?"<p>

"I'm just resting my eyes."

"Just as long as you both made it home in one piece..." sighed David Hayden, tossing his cell phone and keys onto the kitchen counter and wandering over to the sofa on which Olivia was dozing, "... that's all I care about."

"Good day at the office?" asked Olivia, peeling her eyes open with a yawn. "The justice system still struggling on without its star ADA?"

"Can I have you repeat that with Cabot or Novak in ear shot?" smirked David, his ego suitable stroked as he lifted Olivia's feet up onto his knee and massaged them gently.

"I was being facetious."

"Oh, no, don't burst my bubble now..." he chuckled, "... besides, the ladies of law and order might not have noticed."

"I should call them and thank them for their gifts. Evie looks adorable in that little pink onesie Alex got her, and I think we're gonna have to tyre iron Casey's bunny from her fist she's that protective of it!"

"Speaking of gifts..." furrowing his brow slightly and peering down at Eve, sleeping in her car seat in a teeny, tiny baseball cap, "... what's happening here?"

"Finn..." came the wry smile from Olivia as she fondly recalled Detective Tutuola presenting the newborn with only the coolest in infant headgear, "... he wanted her to wear it backwards but I had to draw the line."

"And how is young Odafin?" catching Olivia's yawn David took a break from his massaging and reached up his arms, stretching and adding, "And all the rest of the SVU family Robinson?"

"Don't mock me, David..." bristled Olivia, sitting herself upright and turning away from him slightly.

"Hey, hey, I wasn't..." reaching out a hand to her shoulder he gave it a lightly squeeze, "...it was just a dumb way to ask..."

"Sorry, sorry I..." fumbling slightly, battling perhaps with her own conscience Olivia sighed, "... hormones, ignore me."

"Seriously though, did it do you good seeing you friends?" he asked, moving closer and sliding his arm around her waist. Hugging her into him he pressed a kiss against her cheek and reiterated, "You feel better for it?"

"Yeah, yeah I..." pressing her lips together Olivia chose her words carefully, "... it was nice."

"I heard about Amaro's wife. Maria is it? The guy must be going through hell. Was there any news?"

"They're flying him out to Germany to meet her at a military hospital out there. Apparently she's critical but stable enough to move so that's gotta be a good thing."

"I guess so. Wow, with you out on leave and Amaro in Europe..." leaning forward and stroking Eve's face as he made the casual observation David added, "... that leaves them a little thin on the ground at the 1-6, doesn't it?"

"Actually they, ermm, well, they've brought Stabler back... " it was as if she had lit a touch paper, and all that was left to do was watch it crackle, fizzle, and on hitting the gunpowder of David's brain; detonate.

"Wow..."

"David..." she soothed while watching him rise his feet, his entire body visibly tensed as he backed away, "... are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine..." filling his cheeks with air and then expelling it out through pursed lips with a frustrated sigh David began to walk away, adding, "... you just might've wanted to lead in with that one. That's all."


	7. You Fell While Holding Diamonds

"Is that your hand?"

"Are you even asking that question?" chuckled David, rolling onto his side as he stroked a palm up Olivia's thigh. "Who else's hand would it be?"

"I was being diplomatic."

"Oh yeah?"

"What I meant was what the hell is your hand doing there at this ungodly hour?"

"Darling its 7am..." leaning in to her David's breath was warm against her cheek, "... and she's still asleep."

"If you're kidding me then I swear I'll kill..." fishing around on her bedside table Olivia recovered her iPhone and peeled an eye open to clarify the time, "... oh my God."

"How does it feel to have gotten a whole nine hours sleep?" smiled David, stroking at her bare shoulder lovingly.

"Is my baby still alive? I mean you didn't sell her to nice couple in the Hamptons did you?" asked Olivia, dry wit badly disguising genuine concern.

"No, no I just used formula for the 2am feed as a one off. I know you don't like it but..."

"David I slept for _nine hours_ last night..." closing her eyes and then opening them again with a light laugh Olivia sighed, "... you could've fed her orange soda and I'd be cool with it!"

"Really?" he smirked, twisting his lips to a grin.

"She just took it? She didn't care it was formula?" his heart ached to see the disappointment in her eyes, and stroking her cheek with the back of his hand he shook his head slowly.

"No, no she hated every minute of it. She pulled a face like she was sucking on lemons for the first fifteen minutes and after that she just quietly resented it not being mom's cuddles she was getting..."

"Are you lying to me because you know that's what I needed to hear?" turning to face him Olivia wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer, but realised the truth was either way she walked away a winner.

"It wasn't the great but she dealt with it..." closing his eyes and stealing Olivia's lips David kissed her warmly before adding at a whisper, "... she's got her mom's resilience that way."

"Thank you. I mean it. I was so exhausted and..." kissing him again Olivia nodded, "... well, just, thank you."

"It's what I'm here for." Replied David simply. Then, after a few moments of comfortable quiet he ventured, "So I've been thinking about how it's my weekend with the kids coming up. I was going to take them to the zoo..."

"That sounds really great."

"Only I was thinking, I was hoping..." chewing a little on his lower lip David hesitated before adding, "... that maybe I could bring Eve with us?"

"Oh I don't know David..." sitting upright and tucking the sheet around herself Olivia swallowed nervously, "... I'm not sure she's ready for that."

"She isn't or you aren't?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" sensing everything intimated in his tone Olivia furrowed her brow defensively. "Why the face?"

"They're my _kids_, Olivia."

"I know that."

"Then..."

"I lived my entire childhood on the wrong side of a closed door. On the outside looking in at the life I _could've_ had. Have you honestly thought about what this is going to look like for Evie?"

"It's going to look like the Bronx Zoo." Said David, with patient defiance.

"Do you really think your kids are just going to get on board with Daddy's new family? With this baby coming in and invading their turf? Stealing away _another_ chunk of your time from them?"

"I mean they're not territorial cops but I guess I didn't look at it like..."

"I don't want my baby going into that situation with your family until I say so..." reaching for an worn grey NYPD t-shirt Olivia tugged it over her head and slid out of bed, "... are we clear?"

"Wow Olivia can you hear yourself? _Your_ baby, _my_ family? You wanna throw up a few more walls while you're on a roll there?" challenged David, as she held his gaze fast.

"Evie isn't going to the zoo. That's nonnegotiable."

"Are we in a fight? Are you walking out on me?"

"No..." gasped Olivia, sighing as she shook her head, "... no I'm going to make coffee and check on Evie. I'll be back in a minute."

"Olivia?" he called softly, with no words to add when she turned around in the doorway.

"Am I a monster?" she asked, surprising him. "Am I that monster mommy I used to deal with at work and vow I'd never become?"

"No, no not even close. I haven't even run this past the ex yet either and I can't imagine it'll go any better at her end so..."

"So really you've got _two_ overly controlling women giving you hell..." quipped Olivia, tossing her eyes self-deprecatingly, "... lucky you."

"I've got two lionesses protecting my cubs. That is lucky in my book."

* * *

><p>"She say anything?" asked Rollins, standing upright and slapping the back pockets of her jeans to regain circulation after just under an hour of sitting in a plastic chair. "Will she talk?"<p>

"Not to either of us."

"Great, great so we're absolutely nowhere. Does this girl realise that we're running out of options here, and fast? If she won't talk to the police, she's refusing a lawyer..." rolling her eyes and asking the question almost rhetorically the blonde detective sighed, "... who the hell will she talk to?"

"You don't wanna know."

"Try me?"

"Detective Benson."

"Oh you have _got_ to be kidding me..." closing her eyes and feeling as though the frustration of never quite measuring up might be a long and painful burden to bear Rollins groaned, "... well _that's_ achievable."

"I've been working on this kid for nearly ten days now and she's like a walnut."

"Stabler!"

"Psyche hold will only buy us so much time and then she's back out on the streets that did this to her in the first place..." rubbing his crumpled brow frustrated Elliot sighed, "... she's strong but not that strong."

"Let's just pray Munch and Fin have had better luck finding her family."

"I don't remember them lining up to come take care of her when her mom was alive. They didn't even crawl out of the woodwork after she bled out on the kitchen floor so I'm not gonna hold out too much hope."

"How'd you wanna play this one?" partly deferring to the more experienced detective and partly having nothing further to suggest Rollins threw the game plan wide open.

"Granted she didn't like either of us much when we were trying to lock her up for her mom's murder but in the end she knew Olivia was the reason she didn't do hard time. She knew she understood. She got it. She got it in a way that none of us ever could. If anyone can get through to Carrie..." there it was, that look in his eye that was as intriguing to Rollins as it was unnerving, "... it's Liv."

"But in a happy twist of fate Detective Benson is at home with her month old baby so is there a Plan B, partner?"

"No, no there isn't. This case goes cold if Carrie doesn't talk and..."

"Stabler you're working that kid like she's the perp not the victim! If she don't wanna talk she don't have to."

"And what if the guy that shoved her off that roof and killed her baby is a violent predator? What if he's checking into another hotel right now with some other vulnerable kid?"

"What if he was just her boyfriend? What if _she_ started an argument with _him_ that night? Are we even sure she was pushed off that roof? Can we rule out an accident, can we rule out her jumping?"

"No but we could if she trusted someone enough to start talking." Reaching into the pocket of his jeans Elliot pulled out his cell phone and dialled numbers without having to stop and think.

"What are you doing?" asked Rollins, more with a white flag of weary surrender than any real need to ask.

"The right thing by the wrong means." He was being honest with her, she reasoned with herself, and that was some small progress at least.

"If you're calling Benson then I'm calling Cragen..." twisting her face in protest Rollin pushed, "... don't be a jackass?"

"Let's just see if she's home first before we run tattling to Daddy, okay?"

"Fine, fine call. Be an ass to her. Just try getting a little respect in your voice when you talk to your partner, detective..." narrowing her eyes and holding up her index finger with intent Rollins hissed, "... because if you bring that patronizing bull with me again I swear to God..."

"What?" challenged Elliot, prickles feathering for a fight.

"I might just make something out of that look you get in your eyes every time you talk about Olivia Benson."

"Are you threatening me Rollins?" murmured Elliot gutturally, more horror struck by the quiet perception of his new partner than any true belief she would follow through on her threat.

"No, no I'm warning you. Munch, Fin, Cragen, they all believe you're not a total asshat so I trust their judgement but you're not making it easy. I'm working my butt off to prove myself to everyone and I understand that respect has to be earned but that _does not _mean you get to treat me like crap."

"I miss my partner."

"I'm your partner."

"I..." they were two people, well meaning, but marching to the beat of entirely different drums. He offered her a chink in his armour, and she flinches as though it were a swipe of his sword. Their ducking, weaving, dance of stubborn wills was going to prove exhausting they realised.

"What I'm trying to say is that this isn't easy for me either, okay?" forcing herself, momentarily, to wear his shoes Rollins nodded steadily. Perhaps being a familiar stranger was worse than being the new girl after all.

"If Benson can get that girl to talk I'm all for it..." and then with a more genuine encouragement than previously she smiled, "... call her."

* * *

><p>"Wow, I gotta give you your dues Stabler..." marvelled Rollins with obvious surprise as Detective Benson breezed into the hospital lobby where Elliot Stabler rose instantly to greet her, "... that's some serious pull you've got."<p>

"Liv, hey!" he breathed elatedly, moving toward her with wide eyes and a hesitate smile.

"I got caught in traffic, sorry."

"No, no don't apologise. It's great to see you..." drawing his brows together uneasily Elliot swallowed, "... thanks for coming. I appreciate it."

"You're still an ass, Stabler..." tossing her eyes and Olivia brushed past him on her way toward Detective Rollins and added clearly, "... I'm here for Carrie."

"Hi Olivia, we're sorry to have bothered you when you're on leave but..."

"I've left Fin out in the car with Evie so let's just make this as quick as we can, okay?" said Olivia briskly, gesturing for Rollins to lead the way down the corridor toward the wards.

"You must've really pissed her off, partner." Ventured Rollins boldly as Olivia headed into Carrie's room and she and Stabler began the wait outside.

"Not now, Rolllins."

"You ever thought about just apologising?" never quite knowing when to just hold her tongue Amanda Rollins all too often left the line that ought not to be crossed in her rear view mirror. "I mean it's none of my business but..."

"No, no you're right it isn't." Came the flat, shut down response from Elliot as his eyes remained locked on Olivia through the glass.

"Just seems to me she wouldn't be so pissed at you if she didn't care so damn much..." and then, catching his warning glare Rollins retreated with one last parting shot, "... okay, okay I'll shut up. You're just not the only one throwing looks that could start rumours, that's all I'm saying."

* * *

><p>"I really hoped I'd never see you again, Carrie."<p>

"Humph." Came the disgruntled snort from the bed as Carrie Eldridge sat arms folded, quietly seething at the whole world and everything in it.

"I think doctors and cops are the only people who ever have that strange hope for the people they help."

"You don't even _look_ like a cop anymore."

"Is that right?" asked Olivia with a calm, serene expression.

"You gained weight." Stated Carrie flatly, narrow eyes casting a judgmental up and downward glance at Olivia as she sat in the chair beside her bed. "You've got no badge, no gun, you're not even wearing makeup!"

"Oh and I suppose _that's _the crucial measure of all the best detectives..." and then, biting her tongue and refusing to rise to the bait despite its personal twist Olivia asked, "... are you done yet?"

"I...I'm sorry, I guess..." stumbled Carrie, relaxing the chokehold her folded arms had around her waist and swallowing slowly, "... I wasn't even trying to mean it's just..."

"It's okay."

"Is it?" came the watery eyed doubt in response.

"I don't know, why don't you tell me Carrie?"

"I used to think you were invincible. I didn't like you much at first but you always seemed so sure of yourself, so strong and independent. I guess I just hoped _that_ Detective Benson might show up, that's all."

"She did, Carrie."

"Yeah?" came the sceptical challenge.

"I haven't got my weapon or my badge on me because I'm not at work right now. I've actually been on leave for a few months while..."

"So you're not a Cop anymore?" asked Carrie, visibly physically retreating again.

"Yeah, yeah I am. I am still a Cop..." somehow it felt good, a relief even, for Olivia to pronounce the words aloud, "... but I'm also a mom now. I took time off because I had a baby."

"Really?"

"Carrie, sweetheart, sometimes part of being strong is admitting that there are moments when we're vulnerable. Sometimes being strong is admitting that..." meeting Carrie's gaze and nodding slowly Olivia's warm brown eyes smiled, "...we need a little help."

"Boy or girl?"

"A little girl..." feeling her heart flood with a hot tide of overwhelming love Olivia breathed, "... her name is Evie."

"My... my baby..." hiccupping back tears Carrie wiped her nose on her sleeve and attempted to suppress sobs that torpedoed the moment she reached the safety of Olivia's arms, "... it was a girl."

"It's okay sweetheart, you're don't have to pretend not to be heartbroken..." curling the trembling muddle of confusion and raw pain into her arms Olivia rubbed Carrie's back soothingly and murmured, "... it's okay to let it hurt like hell for a while. I've got you."

"Olivia?" sniffling staunchly a while later Carrie peeled her head from the detective's shoulder and stared upward with watery, red rimmed eyes.

"What is it, sweetie?"

"I tried to save her. I tried to stop myself falling. It all happened so quickly I couldn't..." squeezing her eyes closed, visibly crippled at the memory Carrie swallowed, "... so I just held onto her. Real tight. All the way down."

"Oh honey..."

"Next thing I remember I woke up here..." knowing that her initial job was done, that their victim was ready to talk to her fellow detectives, did nothing to soften the body blow of the anguish in Carrie's face and voice as she added, "... without her."


	8. The Man With The Child In His Eyes

"She's ready to talk now, but take it easy on her okay?"

"You're leaving?" asked Rollins, the fact evident but still she felt the need to express questioning surprise.

"I'm not on the case. I just came to help out..." and then, feeling even to herself a little condescending Olivia added supportively, "... besides, she's in good hands."

"I just hope she can trust us..." sighed Rollins, impressing Benson with the obvious sincerity in her concern for the victim, "... that kid needs someone on her side right now."

"Yeah, yeah she does."

"Are you sure you don't wanna..."

"I can't." interjected Olivia sharply, knowing she wouldn't withstand any further probing. "I _want_ to go straight back in that room and find out what the hell happened in that hotel room. If it was rape I want to nail the bastard to the wall for hurting Carrie but..." pausing for a moment, and realising for the first time she understood completely all the moments where her partner had been forced to push his job into second place, "... the kid whose side Ineed to be on right now is waiting for me out in the parking lot."

"Sure, sure I get it."

"No you don't. I know because I never did. I never could. I'm not proud to admit it but a tiny part of me judged Elliot every time he walked away from a victim and towards his kids but..."

"I can't decide if you're being insanely patronizing or just..."

"Carrie needs _you_, Rollins. She needs that look in your eyes when I came out that room. It's raw and it's angry and it's a determination to fight like holy hell with everything you have and every hour God sends to see that she gets justice. Maybe it feels like I'm being patronizing but I'm just trying to be honest. My daughter needs me and she comes first. I can't give my whole self to Carrie this time..." and then, reaching a new level of understanding the two women shared a room stilling look of intensity as Olivia added, "... but you can."

"I get it" said Rollins, and this time she really did.

"We don't know what happened to Carrie from the day she was released from the JDC to the moment she hit the asphalt..." finding it even harder than usual to reign in her emotions Olivia added quietly, "... but that kid is _devastated_ and however it happened she just lost her baby, so..."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"I've got this, Benson."

"You better have, Rollins."

"Was she raped? Gut instinct?"

"Not for me to say."

"Sorry, sorry that was crossing a line I just..."

"No, no it's fine. I just didn't talk with her long enough to get a proper read on the situation. We didn't talk about the how or the why or any real detail. I couldn't call it without more information."

"That's fair, no worries."

"Gut instinct though? That girl is broken hearted about losing her little girl..." the maternal instinct that had always been there was a million fold stronger now she had a child of her own, and with unwavering confidence Olivia stated, "... she sure as hell didn't throw _herself_ off that balcony."

"Hey, Benson?" called Rollins, as Benson made to head home.

"Yeah?" asked Olivia, eyeing the bright eyed blonde and sensing she was about to say something she didn't want to hear.

"Whatever happened between you and Stabler..." pursing her lips and hesitating for a beat Rollins then added, "... is it really worth throwing away 12 years of friendship over?"

"That?" replied Olivia slowly, deliberately, with little doubt of her unwillingness to engage. "_That_ was crossing a line, Rollins."

* * *

><p>"Is that a smile you've got for me there, baby girl? Is it?" cooed the muscled detective as he jostled a feather light Eve in his arms effortlessly. "Are you gonna smile for your Uncle Elliot?"<p>

"Liv, how'd it go?" asked Fin, as Olivia approached the two men and stared dumbstruck. Stopping dead in her tracks she danced misty eyes across Elliot's broad shoulders, his strong arms and delighted face down to the saucer eyed awe with which her daughter stared up at him. It was the picture she had carried inside her for nine months, growing and strengthening the way Eve had in her tender care.

"That bad, huh?" asked Elliot with a relaxed smile when she failed to say anything in reply to Detective Tutuola's question. "I guess we've done all we can do now. Carrie doesn't want help. You were our last hope."

"I... she..." she had his eyes, she realised all over again. Eve's hair was hers, her bone structure, her little jaw line. Even the way she stared with such enigmatic intensity at the world sometimes was entirely down her mother's bloodline and yet suddenly, stood in the hospital parking lot, it became all too clear that her eyes and smile were Elliot Stabler's.

"Liv?" prompted Fin, a little desperate for her to recover herself.

"She's talking to Rollins right now; you've got a case again."

"I should go validate our parking." Said Fin flatly, knowing his colleagues would be unquestioning of anything he used to remove himself from the situation for a moment to allow their brooding looks to gain traction.

"I'm sorry if I overstepped, Liv. I guess I just can't resist a newborn..." his eyes lingering just a little too long on a bright eyed Eve, Elliot sighed, "... and she's gorgeous."

"No, no it's okay..." feeling her lip tremble slightly Olivia clamped her teeth down on it and attempted a reticent smile, "... you're fine."

"Half an hour ago I was an ass."

"You're still an ass." She laughed with a breathy exhale, her eyes dancing with his.

"You and David must be so proud." Were the words that shattered the moment, silenced the music, and brought the dance to a sudden stationary halt.

"We are..." she managed to respond, after too long a pause.

"I hate the way things were left between us, the way things still _are_ between us..."

"Ermm, so, I think Carrie is still holding a lot back..." she interjected, almost seizing Eve back from his arms and fussing over rearranging her tiny pink cardigan as she pinned her protectively to her chest, "... but even though she's a mess right now she's a smart kid. She knows she isn't going to make it on her own."

"You had a baby, Liv."

"I know that..." having regained her composure Olivia was able to quip drily, "... I was there."

"You _gave birth_ and I didn't know. I heard about in a cop bar."

"El don't, please..."

"We sat in a squad car on a stakeout in Brooklyn Beach for seventy two hours straight and talked the entire time. I used to know when you changed your shampoo or found a new sandwich filling you were obsessed with. There didn't used to be anything I didn't know about you."

"You should go help Rollins interview..."

"I miss you."

"Stop, just _stop_ Elliot..." she insisted, heavy brown eyes loaded with raw hurt, "... just stop."

"I..."

"You don't _get_ to know that I had a baby _because_ of the way things were left between us. You don't get to know when I change my shampoo. You don't get to know a thing about me anymore. You made your bed, Elliot..." and then with a venomous hiss she added, "... this is what you wanted, remember?"

"I remember."

"I have to go..."

"Liv? Olivia! You can't just leave when we're..." shaking his head in frustration Elliot called, "... so what you're just gonna walk away? It's that easy?"

"Yeah, yeah it is Elliot..." she snapped, cradling Eve's head against her shoulder and narrowing her eyes furiously, "... and you should know."

* * *

><p>"Are you alright?" asked David Hayden, as he emerged from the kitchen in a casual shirt and chinos to find Olivia marooned in the kitchen.<p>

"No."

"What's..." he began, eyeing Eve's buggy collapsed abandoned to her left and watching her diaper bag drop like an anvil from her right hand.

"I don't know how to do this."

"Of course you..." moving forward and scooping Eve from her arms he held his tongue, seeing she was on the brink of allowing him access to her usually vault locked emotions.

"I don't know who I'm supposed to be anymore. I can't be the same cop I used to be because now I see Evie in _every_ victim. I can't be a stay at home mom all day every day until she starts school because I'll go out of my mind. I thought I could handle this. I thought I would just _know_ what to do and who to..." catching her breath she confessed, "... I waited my _whole life_ for this and now I'm screwing it up."

"You're not screwing it up..." chuckled David adoringly, lifting Eve up onto one shoulder and freeing up a hand to reach for Olivia's.

"Don't laugh at me!" balked Olivia, recoiling from him and holding her hands out in front of her. Presenting a physical barrier he watched her defence mechanism kick in to form an emotional one, closing up the open wound she had revealed to him moments earlier.

"Olivia..."

"I'm hysterical in my kitchen, David!"

"I..."

"I am squealing like a startled pig at you for _no good_ reason. I'm pushing you away when you're only trying to help and I'm..."

"A first time mom running around New York City with a four week old baby trying to solve a sex crime."

"Go on, just say it..." she laughed wearily, reaching a hand to her forehead and massaging the throbbing there, "... it must be _killing_ you not to right now."

"Say what?" he asked, though he needn't.

"I told you so." Said Olivia, the whole day rushing in on her and leaving her feeling suddenly as vulnerable as she was exhausted.

"I don't see any harm done. Eve is no worse off for her little SVU adventure and Uncle Fin is absolutely hired for any future attempts at mid-maternity leave heroism on mom's part so..."

"He called you, didn't he?" smiled Olivia with a fond realisation.

"I may have had an anonymous tip off that it would be worthwhile for me to have a hot bath waiting for you tonight..." flashing his teeth with a broad smile David added, "... yes."

"I want to resent the hell out of him for ratting me out but..."

"He's a good guy?"

"He's the best."

"Olivia let me take you away for the weekend? Just you, me and Eve. Let's get out of the city for a couple of days..." seeing her in a weekend state David persisted without pausing for hesitation, "... grab a hotel somewhere, just the three of us?"

"That sounds perfect." Sighed Olivia, falling into his chest beside Eve and finding comfort in the familiarity of his arms and the taste of home on his lips.

"I'll go grab my laptop and start checking out our options..." nuzzling his nose into Eve's temple David asked, "... you wanna jump in the bath and then come in for a progress report?"

"You do your research and chill out..." she smiled, scooping Eve from his chest and bringing her to a cuddled cradle in the nook of her arm, "... you'll come take a bath with momma, won't you Evie baby?"

"Relax, forget about the case..." kissing her once more before heading into the living room David advised, "... it isn't your problem right now."

"Thanks, D."

Olivia watched him walk away before lifting Evie up so their faces were opposite on another. Staring into her daughter's eyes and then drawing her in close to her shoulder she showered the newborn with tiny kisses and buried her face in the soft fabric of her soft cotton candy pink cardigan with a weary inhale. Then unexpectedly and quite involuntarily giant dew drop tears filled her eyes, escaping down each cheek before she could fight them off and it was several moments until she recovered herself enough to remember to breathe. Eve smelled like Elliot.


	9. Past Imperfect

_Thank you so much to all those who are reading, and a second massive thank you to those taking time to reply. It really means such a lot to recieve feedback, and I'm always open to ideas/suggestions/constructive criticism Xx_

* * *

><p><em><strong>One Year Earlier<strong> _

"She looks good."

"It's been a long road back for all of us..." acknowledged Cragen, throwing his eyes wistfully through the glass of his office door to where the gaggle of detectives were working, "... but she's doing better."

"Go on..." eyes still locked on his former partner in the distance, a grey faced Elliot Stabler swallowed bitterly, "... just say it."

"I don't have to."

"I can see its killing you _not_ to." Replied Elliot, knowing the older man all too well.

"Don't spoil it for her." Said Donald Cragen, never meaning words more, and never having a greater desire to protect one of his detectives than he did Olivia Benson in that moment.

"I came here to square away loose ends..." replied Elliot, his jaw tight and body visibly tensed, "... not cause trouble."

"She was _devastated_ when you left, Elliot."

"Captain..." startled by the blunt emotion with which Cragen spoke Elliot took a moment, his eyes returning to Olivia as he formed shapes but not words with a slack jaw.

"I blame myself as much as anyone. I left her vulnerable. I knew that you two were too close, but I turned a blind eye."

"It was never a problem and you know it..."

"She gives her whole self. To every victim, to every relationship, to every person she cares about. It's as destructive as it is commendable, it's what makes her so good at her job and it's what made her the best friend you ever had. She had your back for twelve years..." looking to Elliot with that same disappointed sadness a father might show his son Cragen sighed, "... and you couldn't even return her calls."

"I know you're pissed at me, Captain."

"I'm not pissed, I'm disappointed. I expected more for you and she _deserved _more..." shrugging matter-of-factly Cragen added, "... she deserved better from you Stabler."

"I lost my way. For a long time I lost myself. I need her to know that. I need her to know that this was _bigger_ than the job, than the shooting, than even our partnership. I couldn't return her calls Captain..." showing Cragen the same honesty Elliot confessed, "... some days I couldn't even get out of bed."

"And now?"

"I was a marine and I fought for my country. I was a cop and I fought for the victims. That purpose? That focus? It's gone, it's gone and so much has changed and I'm just..." trailing off, Elliot bit hard against his cheek and shook his head steadily from one side to another, "... it's been a rough few months."

"You've been through hell, no one ever underestimated that."

"I'd take a bullet for her..." murmured Elliot gutturally, and this time it was Cragen's turn to be taken aback by his candidness, "... that hasn't changed. It never will."

"Elliot?" softening to the idea of removing himself as a barrier Cragen smiled. "Take her for coffee. Make her listen to what you have to say."

* * *

><p>"I never thought I'd see the stranger in your eyes."<p>

Were the words that shattered the walls of Elliot Stabler's heart as he stared across the coffee shop table at his former partner. Olivia's fingers were interlaced lightly around a mug of steaming coffee and her brown eyes wore such sadness and regret it stole his breath away. For several long moments he simply watched her. The way her jaw was tightly clenched around emotions she was refusing to let escape, tears she was holding tightly behind a faraway gaze. She was every bit as beautiful in that moment, he realised, as that in which their two world's had collided in the old 16th over a decade earlier.

"I never thought I'd be a stranger to you..." he rasped quietly, "... ever."

"What happened, El?" she asked, shaking the loose waves about her face from side to side. Then, with more heartbreak than accusation, more statement than question, she added hoarsely, "You just left."

"I had too. I couldn't take it. If I'd stayed I'd have..." pressing his lips tightly together for a moment and then realising them with a light gasp of overwhelming Elliot changed course, "... it was the only way I could deal. To get the hell out."

"You could've talked to me."

"No, no I couldn't."

"Not one message, not one _phone call_ did I get while you were gone!" she breathed with a muted cry, the words visibly hurting her to utter and anger so raw it burned in her throat. "You could've eaten your gun for all I knew!"

"I can't say there weren't moments where I wanted to." Came the grim, dimly lit confession as he trusted her with that which he had been unable to admit even to himself until that moment. Suddenly there was silence again. The two of them staring at one another across the table with all the millions of unspoken words, months of withholding, flying in the space between them.

"Did you think you could scare me? Do you honestly think that there's anything you could say or do that I couldn't handle?"

"I..."

"There is no darkness I wouldn't follow you into, Elliot." It was as if no time had passed since the moment he'd fired his weapon in the precinct. Shots rang out and the aftershocks were imminent. He was standing, she was there. Breathing, together.

"I didn't want you there with me..." he murmured, chest heavy and eyes locked on hers.

"Oh..." she mouthed, lowering her gaze and running a trembling finger around the rim of her coffee mug.

"You've seen more darkness than anyone should ever have to."

"I..."

"I didn't want you to know how low I'd sunk. It's different with Kathy. It's practical, functional; we made vows for this kind of stuff. Our relationship can take it because..."

"Because she can handle it and I can't?" shot back Olivia defensively, finding her fight.

"Of course you could I just didn't _want_ you to..." he swallowed, his eyes piercing as he looked across at her, "... I didn't want you to see me like that."

"Why?" she managed, the word catching in her throat as she felt a sudden flush at the intensity of his stare. Her skin was warm and her breathing shallow, her brown eyes wide and longing as his mouth attempted to form sounds, to find words. Instead he spoke silent desires, his brow deeply furrowed and his heart racing.

"I should probably get going..." he finally uttered, his voice a guttural strain, "... it's my turn to do pick up tonight."

"Elliot..." she half breathed half yelped as he rose from his chair, leaving her unravelling at the table.

"I don't want Eli being the last kid waiting with his backpack at preschool again."

"I should, ermm, I have to go help Rollins and Amaro with the door to door anyway..."

"Tough case?" he asked, tossing on his jacket and attempting to breeze nonchalance.

"Have you ever known one not be?" she replied, struggling to regain equilibrium.

"Can I call you?"

"I don't..."

"I know it's not the same. I know we're not partners anymore. I know you're with someone. It's a different world than the one we..." eyes misting lightly he shrugged, "... but I miss my friend, Liv."

"I have to go." She said with a measured calm, patting lightly at his upper arm as she headed toward the door.


	10. You've Dug Your Own Grave

"So are we buying it?"

"I'm all for doubting the perp's story but since when did we start assuming victims were lying until proven otherwise?" asked Munch, usually the cynic but for once the one questioning of Rollins' approach.

"You didn't sit with her, Munch."

"I'm with Rollins." Was the statement from Elliot Stabler that startled every one of them, and no one more so than Amanda Rollins.

"You are?" she asked incredulously, before her professional head could hold her tongue.

"Something doesn't stack. I'm on Carrie's side here I just..." shaking his head, deep in thought as he stared at their evidence wall Elliot sighed, "... I think something is off."

"She reckons not to know who the father of her baby was. She says she has no idea who the guy in the hotel room with her that night was. There's no evidence to suggest she was taken there against her will and no signs of forced entry."

"So in summary, we _still_ have no case?" offered Munch, drily.

"I think she's playin' us." Nodded Fin, reluctantly.

"It doesn't matter why. Whether she's scared, trying not to implicate herself for something or is just plain uncooperative the bottom line here is that we can't work this case with no evidence and one hand tied behind our backs..." finding her voice amid the changed group dynamic Rollins added, "... so something has to give."

"Let's have CSU revisit the crime scene and go over it with a new perspective..." began Elliot, nodding steadily, "... this time we put Carrie on the other side of the equation."

"You saying there _was_ no rape?" asked Rollins, cautiously.

"No, no I'm not. Carrie called in a rape and we take her on her word that it happened. We just need to figure out what _else_ happened. Who else was in that hotel room and why? Why was Carrie there in the first place? Are we really buying that she didn't know who fathered her child? She knows more than she's telling us but we can't make her talk while she holds all the cards..." wandering around his desk to that at which Benson used to sit Elliot suggested, "... so let's deal ourselves a better hand."

"What you looking for?" asked Fin, a little nervous of his friend's rummaging through Benson's drawers.

"Liv got a call a year or so back from a girl Carrie roomed with in juvi. The message made no sense and when she followed it up everything seemed fine but..." as his fingers fumbled amid a sea of papers they came open on a small black box, and retrieving it from the draw Elliot's voice fell quiet, "... something wasn't quite right."

"You find something?" asked Rollins.

"No, no forget it..." mumbled Elliot, snapping his familiar Semper Fi pendant shut back into its case and thrusting it into the pocket of his jeans as he made a swift exit from the squad room.

* * *

><p>"My mother loved the ocean."<p>

"Yeah?"

"What's the face for?" asked Olivia, as she and David strolled down the beach hand in hand. Pausing in her steps she broke their hands, lifting a hand to her face and brushing breeze caught strands of hair from her eyes.

"I just think that's the first time you've ever brought up your mother in conversation voluntarily that's all." Replied David, his hands rubbing Eve's feet as they hung down either side of the carry pouch he wore on his chest.

"It's no secret what happened to her..." shrugged Olivia, a little defensive, "... it's not like I was keeping it from you intentionally."

"I didn't say it was." He said with a steady, even tone. Sensing he was baiting her and never having intended too for a minute.

"We came here once. I couldn't have been more than seven. I made castles and wrote our names in the sand. She kept giving me money to go buy food and I ate myself sick on cotton candy and hotdogs..." hesitating for a moment Olivia proffered a strange, faraway smile, "... and then at the end of the day when she was too gone to feel the cold she dragged me fully clothed into the water."

"That must've been fun?" asked David, a little uncertain judging by her expression.

"I ate hotdogs she drank vodka. I played in the sand by myself and she graded papers. It was barely March and water was freezing. I sat in those wet clothes the whole ride home and caught a cold that kept me off school for a week, but she didn't care because she stood in that water holding my hand and do you know what she said?"

"No, no I..."

"This is the only freedom I will ever know, Olivia. Looking out at the never ending blue and wishing I could just sail away on it."

"Your mother was an alcoholic and that kind of hopelessness is..."

"The drinking was just her escape, what she really wanted freedom from was..." it was, added Olivia silently to herself, the little girl reminder clutched tightly in Serena Benson's left hand.

"Olivia?" he asked, reaching out and stroking the backs of his knuckles down her forearm tenderly. "What is it?"

"Promise me that we'll build sandcastles with Evie? Promise me that whatever happens she'll have a childhood that is warm and safe and..." choking slightly on the words Olivia might not have been ready to tell him the truth about her legacy but she was absolutely certain of the one she wanted for her own child, "... it just means _everything_ to me, David."

"To me too." He replied, grabbing her hands and dragging her close enough to hold. Wrapping his arms around his waist he sandwiched Eve between their two bodies and leant over her head to press an affirming kiss against Olivia's forehead.

* * *

><p>"You doin' okay, bro?"<p>

"Fine."

"Yeah?" pushed Fin, hands in the pockets of his leather jacket as he sauntered across the precinct roof to where Elliot was brooding.

"I was in the park with Eli the other day and this kid came over with a bag of candy. My boy saw a bug on rock and ran off but I took one. It was blue raspberry flavoured..."

"What's going on here, El?"

"Liv always had a bag of Jolly Rancher's kicking around in the squad car..." with a strained smile Elliot added, "... if I didn't know better I'd think there was only one flavour going for all I saw of the rest of them."

"Benson doesn't like blue raspberry..." nodded Fin gruffly, "... duly noted."

"We get burgers, I eat her pickles and she gets my tomato. We order pizza or salad and she steals my olives. I actually like olives."

"Elliot..."

"I love my kids, Fin. I wouldn't change any one of them for the world."

"I know that." Came the uncomfortable swallow in reply from Fin, as he twisted his lips into an awkward expression.

"But I was just a kid myself when I got Kathy pregnant and we had Maureen. At the time I thought we were so grown up, so together, but the truth is we were just dumb kids who got lucky that things worked out."

"And are they still?" asked Fin, doubtfully. "Working out?"

"I wish I had a say in all of this, but the truth is I don't think I ever had control of how any of this played out..." turning away from his friend and holding a hand to his mouth, pressing against his lips with a clenched fist and confessing, "... not from the moment she first fell over that extension cable into the squad room."

"Benson?" but Detective Tutola had no real need to clarify the point.

"It was _always_ more than partners."

"No shit."

"I thought I was doing the right thing. Eli is so little and I took vows. I stood up as a man and swore till death do us part not..."

"Until you fall hard and fast for a brown eyed detective?" offered Fin, forgetting himself for a moment.

"I didn't fall hard and fast for Liv."

"No?"

"Maybe there was always something there. I don't know. The truth is it didn't matter. Whether we were too close as friends or not is one thing but we never crossed the line on the job. I never cheated on Kathy with my partner."

"For real?" asked Fin, twisting his mouth with an impish curiosity. "Only Munch and I had a little wager on whether..."

"Not helping."

"Sorry."

"All those years, all those chances, all those moments it was staring me in the face. For twelve years it grew stronger and stronger and I just couldn't see it. I couldn't see it until the night of the police ball when she walked through the door in that green dress and she was _all _I could see."

"You need to talk to her..."

"We've said it all. We've said too much. It's too late. I was too late. By the time I realised I'd fallen in love with my best friend she'd found someone else. I let her go. I let her go twice. Now she's with David Hayden and they have a daughter..." shrugging with a gruff choke Elliot added, "... and it just it is what it is."

"Elliot you need to talk to..."

"It is what it is, Fin..." and then, removing his elbows from the ledge Elliot turned to his friend and instructed, "... and we didn't have this conversation, okay?"

* * *

><p>"What you thinking, baby girl?" whispered Olivia, feeling Eve wriggling on her chest as they lay together on the sofa. As the infant's head nuzzled against her breast bone a crackly, contented gurgling sound made a mother's heart ache with love. "What's up Evie Grace? You tell your momma?"<p>

"You hungry?" tested Olivia, murmuring the words into Eve's temple. "I could feed you if want..." sitting herself upright a little and bringing Eve into the nook of her arm Olivia stroked a fingertip across the baby's cheek and smiled, "... we wouldn't even have to move a muscle. I'm good to go whenever you want, kid."

"I think our weekend of adventuring has worn my girls out..." smiled David, breezing into the room and tossing his paper down onto the coffee table, "... you okay?"

"We're just snuggling..." replied Olivia with a yawn, drawing her now dozy eyed daughter tight into her chest and bending down to kiss her nose, "... aren't we boo?"

"So I forgot to mention earlier that I've booked us an appointment to register her tomorrow."

"Register her for what?" asked Olivia, deliberately misunderstanding. "A waffle iron?"

"Olivia..."

"A dinner set?" as he came to kneel beside the sofa and meet her eyes with mild frustration she pushed her luck. "An espresso machine?"

"We need to make her all official..." persevering he reached out and slid his finger into Eve's hand, waiting for her to coil her tiny fingers around it tightly, "... little Eve Grace Hayden."

"David we haven't talked about this?" came part statement, part question but mostly panic from Olivia in reply.

"I just assumed..."

"Well don't!" she exclaimed, swinging her feet over the sofa's edge and rising from her seat.

"You named her, Olivia. This isn't news. Both Eve and Grace were your choices and if you want to make it Benson-Hayden then I'm open to that..." furrowing his brow David added, "... it's a little pretentious, granted, but..."

"You were right before. Evie and I _are_ both tired..." she deflected, bringing Eve up onto her shoulder and proffering a breezy smile, "...let's talk about this later."

"No, no Olivia let's talk about this now!"

"David!"

"Better still let's just register her Evie Stabler and get it the _hell _over with!" yelled David, throwing his arms in the air exasperated. Olivia just stared at him. Her eyes wide and furious. Bringing a hand to Eve's cheek she cupped it over her face protectively and, nostrils flaring lightly shook her head from side to side.

"Don't you _dare_ yell at me in front of her."

"I just..."

"We're not having this conversation with her here. In fact we're not having this conversation at all right now David. I'm going to nurse her in our room and you're going to take a walk and cool off..." narrowing dark eyes Olivia tested, "...am I being clear?"

"Perfectly."

"D..."

"With her here, without her here, it doesn't matter. She's six weeks old already and she still doesn't exist on paper..." meeting her eyes David stated their reality, "... the truth is that we're just not having this conversation _at all_."

"I just need some time..."

"Whatever. Fine, I'll take a walk. You know I wouldn't mind so much if I thought it was just me you weren't being completely honest with Olivia but the truth is..." as he ambled toward the door David sighed heavily, "... I don't even think you're being honest with yourself."


	11. Sparks Fly Like Flame To A Paper

Continued appreciation for reviews... for those E/O readers, stand by your beds because we're starting to see both that and Livid from now on. Angst a-hoy!

Full credit to The Airbourne Toxic Event for their lyrics to _Sometime Around Midnight_ which I've used in the flashback :)

xx

* * *

><p>"Stabler? You still here?"<p>

"Here..." replied Elliot, shaking himself awake and grasping exhaustedly for the coffee mug at his desk, "... just finishing up these JDC records. No luck on Carrie's roommate."

"CSU called, they found a second set of prints with Carrie's at the hotel..." said Fin, a little breathless with relief at finally having something to get their teeth into, "... he's Wall Street and he's loaded."

"I wish I was surprised." Said Elliot, world weary and too long in the job not to feel the familiarity of a young girl and an old millionaire.

"You wanna come check him out with me? I can't believe a guy like him isn't still up at this time..." offered Fin, his eyes suddenly fixing on the photograph in Elliot's hands, "... what you got there?"

"Nothing, nothing I was just going through my old draw earlier and..."

"Go change your shirt, we'll wait for you in the car."

"Thanks, thanks I will do actually..." nodded Elliot appreciatively, tossing the photo back into his top draw and hurrying off to change. Waiting a moment Fin narrowed his eyes, crossing the room and reopening the draw he fished inside it and pulled out the source of Elliot's melancholy.

Suddenly, as his friend had been a few moments earlier, he was transported back in time to the night of the NYPD ball. His eyes settling on the vivacious smile of the woman in the photograph. Her olive skin set alive by the deep emerald of her gown, arms ethereal in their lightness as she danced with her partner, and her deep brown eyes burning with desire for the man whose arms she was held lovingly in.

**_And it starts_**  
><strong><em>Sometime around midnight<em>**  
><strong><em>Or at least that's when you lose yourself<em>**  
><strong><em>For a minute or two<em>**

_"Where's Liv?"_

_"Had to work late. David picked her up and they were rushing home to change but probably caught traffic on the way back."_

_"It's getting late, we'll all be snoozing at our table by the time they get here!" laughed Rollins, her black gown a stark contrast with her yellow blonde hair and an unconscious rebellion against southern debutant routes. _

_"Oh here they are..." smiled Cragen, nursing his ginger ale and a weary tolerance of his increasingly intoxicated co-workers. _

_"You want another drink, Stabler?" asked a very dapper looking Odafin Tutuola, on seeing Elliot's face fall as Olivia entered the room on David Hayden's arm. _

_The deep green of Detective Benson's floor length dress was as heavenly as Elysian Fields in warm sunlight, her curves and relaxed smile stealing his breath. As she slid her arm out from the crook of David's arm and turned to the side Elliot swallowed hard, watching intently as gentle curls of hair fell from a loose chignon at the nape of her neck and teased bare shoulders. Blue eyes piercing the space between them he exhaled slowly and finally acknowledged that which had always been thus. Olivia was beautiful and he was hopelessly, helplessly, devastatingly and illicitly in love with her. _

_"Double, straight up..." jaw locked, teeth clenched, pulse racing Elliot's eyes were unwavering in their stare, "... thanks."_

**_As you stand  
>Under the bar lights<br>And the band plays some song  
>About forgetting yourself for a while<br>And the piano's this melancholy soundtrack  
>To her smile and that green dress she's wearing<br>You haven't seen her  
>For a while<em>**

_"I see Novak and Cabot in the distance. They look like they're making quick work of their table wine so I should be quite entertained..." smiled David, pressing a light kiss against Olivia's cheek so as not to disturb her immaculately made up face, "... go see your friends. They're waiting for you at the bar."_

_"D its fine I can come with you to..."_

_"Here, take this and smile..." grabbing a gin and tonic from a passing waiters tray, perplexing him slightly as he arrived at the next table one short on his order, David spoke with a measured calm, "... I think there's someone who wants to see you."_

_"I don't have to talk to him."_

_"I know how close you guys get as partners. You were his for 12 years, darling."_

_"I'm not a possession, David."_

_"That isn't what I..." he began, before realising it was beside the point. Be it in thought or in deed Olivia was indubitably the object of a possessive war, whether she was accepting of it or not. " The point is that you're not mad at him for leaving; you're hurt because you missed him so much..." sliding his hand to the base of her spine and giving her a gentle shove in the right direction David added, "... so go make it right."_

**_But you know  
>That she's watching<br>She's laughing, she's turning  
>She's holding her tonic like a crux<em>**

_"What was that, Hayden?"_

_"Don't give me that look, Cabot. You're self righteous indignation is putting me right off my salmon puff." Replied David, his eyes fixed on the bar where Olivia was being greeted by her SVU colleagues. Elliot Stabler remaining back turned, glued to the bar, resisting her. _

_"I thought you had more fight than that, is all."_

_"I have a nasty habit of not fighting for lost causes..." popping the remaining bite of canapé into his mouth David's morose expression added bitterly, "...and those two are a fait accompli."_

_"You practically threw her at him!"_

_"Alex she hasn't let me touch her since the moment that son of a bitch rocked back up at the 1-6..." shaking his head defeated David sighed, "... are you honestly telling me that's a two month long coincidence?"_

_"So that's it? You're just gonna give up?"_

_"I've already lost her, Cabot. She was only ever mine as long as he was out of the picture."_

_"You haven't lost her David..." replied Alex, finding her inexplicably rooting for the underdog despite years of working with Benson and Stabler and watching the same sparks fly that were now lighting up the bar, "... you're giving her away."_

**_The room suddenly spinning  
>She walks up and asks how you are<br>So you can smell her perfume  
>You can see her lying naked in your arms<em>**

_"Olivia."_

_"Elliot."_

_"That dress isn't doing you any harm."_

_"You don't ruin the line of a tux either."_

_"Drink?" he asked, as Munch and Fin took a step back and dissolved into their own conversation as Olivia moved to join Elliot at the bar. _

_"House white?" she replied, the hairs of her arms prickling to attention as skin grazed skin and they stood close enough at the bar to feel each other's body heat. _

_"I didn't think you'd make it." He said, after giving their order and holding a few moments of electric silence. His eyes were on the bar, dancing along the empty glasses still uncollected and fighting the constant draw to the flush of tan cleavage peeping out from the low V of Olivia's dress. _

_"Me either, we were late already and then hit a roadblock." When he evidently had nothing further to add to that particular conversation she accepted her glass from the waiter and turned back to face the party. Heart hammering a steady beat in her chest she pursed her lips, held another quiet moment before venturing, "How are things?"_

_"Not great..." he replied, turning his head and finding her eyes, "... but improving by the minute."_

**_And so there's a change  
>In your emotions<br>And all of these memories come rushing  
>Like feral waves to your mind<em>**

**_Dream the curl of your bodies  
>Like two perfect circles entwined<br>And you feel hopeless, and homeless  
>And lost in the haze<br>Of the wine_**

_"I swear to God I don't know how I ever let you talk me into this!" cried Olivia breathlessly, as Elliot span her under his arm in a secluded corner of the dance floor. The flash of a camera distracted them only momentarily as Fin, three sheets to the win, snapped a candid of their delight. _

_"Not the first time you've said that, detective..." as he caught her twirl, his hand slid along the satin material of her dress, feeling the warmth of her back, "... we have a habit of getting each other into trouble."_

_"Is that right?" she replied with a non committal smile. Her face falling, captured, as she stared at him and felt his hands slide south, two possessive grips on her low back as he drew her too close for friendship. _

_"You don't belong with David Hayden..."_

_"Elliot..." she protested, breaking free from his grip and sobering rapidly. _

_"Tell me you don't love him?" pushed Elliot, reaching out and grabbing her hand. "Tell me that idiot will never mean any more to you than Kathy does to me? Tell me you only feel alive when..." tugging at her arm and seizing her brusquely, coiling his arms around her waist and holding her clutched against his chest, "... you're part of me, Liv. A part I can't let go."_

_"You have to, Elliot."_

_"I don't want to..." he rasped gutturally, their mouths a breadth apart and their eyes staring so intensely into one another's it was as if any moment they might open the soul, "... don't make me?"_

_"El..." she gasped, as their lips found each other and melded as one. Hot, binding passion kissing hungrily from years of frustrated denial. As their minds had thought as one on the job, so now their bodies melted into one and transcended all barriers physical and emotional. _

_"Liv I lo..."_

_"No!" she cried, her palms spreading wide on his chest and pushing him away with the full force of her strength. "Don't!"_

_"But..."_

_"I have to go..." she panted, wiping smeared lip gloss from her mouth still swollen and hot from his kiss, "... I have to go."_

_"Liv, wait..." moving to go after her Elliot was caught between party guests as they emerged from their seclusion and lost her in the crowd, "... Olivia!" he called again, as he caught sight of her across the room entreating David Hayden that they might make a swift exit. _

**_And she leaves  
>With someone you don't know<br>But she makes sure you saw her  
>She looks right at you and bolts<br>As she walks out the door  
>Your blood boiling<br>Your stomach in ropes  
>And when your friends say, "What is it?"<br>You look like you've seen a ghost._**

_"Elliot, bro, what's going on you're all sweaty and..." bumbled Fin, his eyes struggling to focus as he stood between Elliot and the door. _

_"Not now, Fin. I'll catch you later, okay?" propelling the broad shoulders of his colleague out the way, Elliot took the hotel steps two at a time and catapulted himself out onto the street._

_"Elliot!"_

_"What's up with Stabler?" asked Cabot, wandering out of the hotel lobby nursing her champagne flute and a quizzical smile. _

_"Benson." Said Fin, simply. A candid précis of his co-workers' twelve years of denial._

_"I thought she just left with Hayden..." ventured Alex, seeing only Olivia waiting a little further down the street and Elliot headed in her direction. _

_"He went to validate his parking..." replied Fin, staring at fate playing out in front of his eyes, "... he probably should've just paid."_

**_And you walk  
>Under the streetlights<br>And you're too drunk to notice  
>That everyone is staring at you<br>And you don't care what you look like  
>The world is falling<br>Around you_**

_"Don't leave with him."_

_"Elliot go back inside."_

_"No."_

_"Are you drunk?" she asked, not entirely sure how to read his demeanour._

_"Not drunk enough to believe that wanting you as much as I do right now is a good idea..." he half whispered, half growled as he reached out and grabbed her hand, "... but drunk enough not to give a damn."_

_"Elliot I'm with David now and..."_

_"I don't care."_

_"I..." she faltered, shaking her head and feeling his warm fingers interlock tightly in her own. _

_"Don't leave with him tonight, Liv..." bringing her hand to his lips, pressing a kiss against it and breathing in the scent of her familiar perfume Elliot entreated, "... leave with me?"_

**_You just have to see her_**  
><strong><em>You just have to see her<em>**  
><strong><em>You just have to see her<em>**  
><strong><em>You just have to see her<em>**  
><strong><em>You just have to see her<em>**

**_And you know that she'll break you_**  
><strong><em>In two<em>**


	12. Drown In My Desire For You

_**N.B. Had some really helpful feedback (thanks guys!) that Chapter 12 wasn't showing for some of you and to fix it I could try re-uploading the chapter. I've done so, so apologies if this means a repeat post for some of you. :)**_

_**I think I missed one earlier on but as a rule from now on I'll put the flashbacks in italics so it's clearly denoted. Not quite sure what happened with e-mail alerts last chapter, people flagged up them not going out so there must've been a glitch! Even more grateful, in that case, for those who managed to find my update and reply to it. Your support is very much valued, thank you :) **_

* * *

><p><em>Breathing heavily, unconsciously in union, two detectives stared at one another through the early morning gloaming and found themselves lost for words. Blinking with a drowsy eyed post-coital ecstasy Elliot slid his hand across the mattress space between them and slid his fingers across Olivia's palm, drawing his knuckles closed around her hand and holding it tight. Chest rising and falling heavily, burdened by the steady thundering of her heart, Olivia brought their clasped hands to her chest, holding them against her left breast and never breaking their stare for a moment. <em>

_"You okay?" so long since he had spoken, Elliot's voice was no more than a low husk. _

_"I..."_

_"Liv?" he murmured, breaking their hands so that he might have both his free to reach out and stroke her face. Brushing hair from her eyes and tracing his thumbs across her cheeks he entreated, "Talk to me?"_

_"I don't really want to talk." She replied, finding her voice and an edgy laugh as she rolled onto her stomach and lowered her lips to his. Missing the feeling of her hand in his she slid her left into his broad palm, while allowing her right to wander across his chest as their kiss deepened and they were engulfed once more in a tidal wave of passion that had been over a decade in the making. _

* * *

><p>"You gotta talk to her, or let it go Stabler..." sighed Detective Tutuola with a weary roll of his eyes as he was yet again forced to drag his partner back into the present, "... you're killing me with all this brooding, dude."<p>

"I can't let it go..." swallowed Elliot, every muscle and sinew taught as he stared down from the hotel balcony off which Carrie Eldridge had fallen a few weeks earlier, "... I can't let her go."

"So tell _her_ that, bro."

"She doesn't want me. She's with him now. I don't think she even wants to see me let alone..."

"Do you hear yourself, Elliot? This isn't like you. Man the hell up, dude. You're worse than a lovesick school girl and I don't think I've ever seen anyone feel quite so sorry for themselves..." with a hopeless poker face to hide his frustration Fin added, "... while doing so freakin' little about it!"

"I walked away. I've never seen anyone look at me so hurt and angry as she did the day I ended..." pausing for a moment Elliot sighed, "... whatever it was we had there for a while."

"An affair?" offered Fin bluntly.

"I love Kathy. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to hurt my kids. I just can't live like this..." trusting Fin in a way that he hadn't trusted anyone in a long time, aside from Olivia, he confessed, "... I can't live without her."

* * *

><p><em>"We're not leaving this room until you tell me what the hell your deal is, Benson."<em>

_"I don't have time for this right now Fin so... "_

_"Make time."_

_"Fin!"_

_"You're in the dog house for being a pain in the ass to the Captain. You're balling out Rollins in the squad room. You pretty much compared Munch to Hitler this morning..." shaking his head Detective Tutolua added exasperatedly, "... you're a freakin' nightmare, Liv!"_

_"Oh and I suppose you think you're always an absolute treat to work with!"_

_"Not relevant right now."_

_"Rollins was way out of line saying that about..."_

_"And what about Novak? You almost had her disbarred for that little stunt in court yesterday and don't think that she won't..."_

_"I don't have to stand here and listen to this crap from you... " barging past him in a bid to escape out the closed door Fin stood in front of Olivia fought his resistance, writhing in his tight grip as he held her fast by the upper arms and refused to release her, "... let go of me! Fin get your hands the hell off me!"_

_"Not until you tell me what's going on."_

_"I am fine! Or at least I would be if you'd just let me do my job instead oflisten to this little character assassination you're..."throwing her full weight behind the struggle Olivia twisted back and forth, attempting to find his chest with her fists so she might pummel them against him and gain traction for an escape, "... for God's sake will you let me go!"_

_"Are you gonna tell me what's gotten you so..."_

_"I'm pregnant!" she cried, unable to stand it any longer. Freeing her instantly Fin stared with dark, penetrative eyes and held a stunned silence. "There, you satisfied?"_

_"Wow, that's, I mean..." almost as if he needed to seek clarification of her position before falling down on either side of the situation Fin asked more than stated, "... congratulations?"_

_"Thanks."_

_"I'm getting a vibe that you're not fully onboard with the idea..." ventured Fin, softening his body language and leaning in toward her with a reassuring squeeze of her wrist, "... what's up? David not want more kids?"_

_"I don't know if he does or not but..." lowering her eyes, flushing hotly Olivia swallowed the end of her sentence. _

_"Liv?" said Fin softly, ducking down and retrieving her eyes from the floor, "... you know you can trust me, right?"_

_"Not with this I can't."_

_"You really think you can shock me, Benson?" he asked, forcing a reluctant smile from Olivia as she twisted her lips and acknowledged there was probably very little in the world that could shock Odafin Tutuola. _

_"Things haven't been great between David and I for a while. We've been trying to figure it out but..." exhaling through pursed lips Olivia breathed, "... but things just got complicated."_

_"I've seen you two together. You can get past this. I mean a guy has gotta stand up and own what's his. You love without the glove and you gotta..."_

_"Fin!"_

_"Liv it takes two to get into this situation and..."_

_"I love you but this is so not a conversation I want to be having with you!"_

_"You think I'm too squeamish to deal with you sleeping with the EADA?" smirked Fin, amused. _

_"Fin you don't understand..." she choked, unable to bear the secret alone a moment longer and falling into the kindness of her friend's eyes, "... it's not David I've been sleeping with."_

* * *

><p>"I'm a police officer."<p>

"I have brown hair."

"D!"

"Oh, we're not playing a game?" asked David, lowering his paper and peering at Olivia questioningly. "Only I know that you're a police officer. That isn't news."

"I believe that you love Evie every _bit _as much as if she were your blood. I never doubted it. I never would. That isn't what this is about..." though their earlier battle had lain in ceasefire for several days, she was prepared to stand up and fight once more, "... you have to believe that."

"Do I?" asked David, giving her his full attention.

"Decisions we've taken and choices we've made mean that you're raising my daughter as yours, and maybe in the future there'll talk of adoption to make it legal but that is the _only_ way she can be yours on paper. I love you and I love our family but the reality that we can't deny is that she's got half Elliot's DNA not yours..." and then, with a gentle calm she added, "... and I can't sign a document that says otherwise."

"Can't or won't?"

"You really think this is the time to split hairs, D?"

"And if we break up? You know as well as I do that without a piece of paper I have _no rights_ to be part of her life."

"So we'll talk adoption!"

"And tell everyone what? That I'm adopting my own kid?"

"I don't know!"

"You're a self righteous little hypocrite Olivia Benson!"

"David!" she cried, recoiling a step backward as though she had touched hot flame. Burned not by his accusation, but by the truth behind it.

"You're willing to keep Elliot Stabler from knowing he has _another _child because it makes your life easier but you've not got the balls to actually let me be all in this and have binding legal rights to her!"

"My daughter is not a stake you can just lay claim to, David!"

"There it is again, _your _daughter."

"She's not a piece of prime real estate in the Hamptons!"

"So don't treat her like one."

"How dare you."

"I loved you enough to trust you getting close to that man again. I loved you enough to forgive your little post-ball affair. I loved you so damn much I was prepared to raise another man's child if it meant I could be a family with you Olivia..." standing his ground and, much as he adored her, refusing to surrender his backbone David added, "..._that's_ how I dare."

"I don't know how to get past this, D."

"No you just don't know how to get past _him_..." pausing for a moment David asserted, "...and I won't be taken for a fool."

"I don't mean to..."

"You're not over him, are you?"

"I..." and then, because she was clearly unprepared and ill equipped emotionally to ask it of herself he added.

"But the bigger question here Liv is..." he asked simply, his whole world hinging on her answer "...will you _ever_ be over Elliot Stabler?"


	13. You Put Your Arms Around Me And I'm Home

"Carrie we want to help you. That's what we're here for. Our job is to fight on your side and get you justice for what happened to you."

"Why do I feel like you're about to stick a big 'but' on the end of that sentence detective Stabler?" asked the sour faced young woman staring back at Elliot, where a terrified little girl had once sat.

"Because we found a second set of prints in the hotel room you were in the night you fell."

"So you know who raped me?" she asked quickly, eyes darting like a panicked animal.

"Yeah, yeah and so you do you Carrie..." narrowing his eyes and searching her expression intently Elliot added, "... don't you?"

"I don't know what you mean..."

"You shared a room with a Jenna George during your time in the JDC didn't you?"

"Yeah but what does that have to..."

"My old partner took a call from Jenna about a month after you arrived there and she was concerned about a relationship she believed to be taking place."

"She was _lying_! She's a two faced liar and whatever she's said is not true so..."

"So you didn't start a relationship with her 43 year old father?" asked Elliot, experience telling him when to push on and when to retreat with the intensity of his questioning.

"I..." fumbled Carrie, uncomfortable with his eyes on her and visibly flustered.

"Carrie we found Nathan George's DNA in the hotel room..." pausing for a moment Elliot took a breath before asking gently, "... did he rape you?"

"No... yes... I don't know..." and then after taking a few seconds to gather herself Carrie seemed to grow more assertive in tone and demeanour, "... I mean yes, yes he did. He raped me. It was him."

"If you knew it was him all this time then why didn't you..."

"I was afraid! I was scared he'd come after me. He's loaded, Detective Stabler. He's a huge deal on Wall Street and he knows everyone. If I told the truth about him then..." though she was saying all the right things, making pitiful teary eyed expressions in his direction there was something unsettling about the whole situation for Stabler, "... but it was him! I promise, I remember now!"

"Okay."

"You do believe me..." asked the doe eyes blinking rapidly at Elliot from the chair opposite, "... don't you?"

"Yeah, yeah of course I do." He lied proficiently, keeping his poker face fixedly in place as he reassured her. Instructing her to sit tight while he went off to follow up the new information through the appropriate channels Elliot stepped outside and placed a call.

* * *

><p>"You <strong>cannot<strong> keep doing this, Stabler!"

"She knows this girl better than anyone, Captain. We're in over our heads here and Benson can help so..."

"I don't think you're listening to me, detective. Or at least you're sure as hell not hearing what I have to say..." asserted Donald Cragen firmly, "... you _will not_ keep dragging your former partner into this case."

"But Cap she..."

"I don't care!" yelled Cragen, holding up his hand to silence an agitated Stabler.

"Everything alright in here?" asked a familiar voice at the door, as Detective Benson appeared in the doorway with a bright eyed Eve peering curiously at them from the crook of her arm.

"Benson go home, you shouldn't be here and as I was just telling Detective Stabler..."

"Captain its fine..."

"No, no it is not. You're on maternity leave and this is a police precinct not a nursery so as adorable as that little lady is she doesn't belong here."

"But I do."

"That's as maybe but..."

"I have no badge, no weapon, no police authority and I don't intend to leave that desk over there. Evie is in no danger and is in no way impacting on the operational capacity of the 1-6..." calmly, articulately, and with eyes that would forever be able to melt Donald Cragen's resolve Olivia entreated, "... so please, just let me stay and help?"

"You two will be the death of me one day, you do realise that don't you?" groaned Cragen with a weary exhale of surrender.

"We just want to solve this case..." turning to his former partner, relaxing effortlessly into their old dynamic on the job Stabler asked, "... right, Liv?"

"Right." She replied, not entirely sure whether her emphasis was stressing a desire to help Carrie or a masochistic curiosity to work with her old partner again.

"And you're sure you're up to this? To being here?" tested Cragen, staring directly at Olivia. "She's gonna be okay working with you?"

"Sure, sure it's like Blue's Clues..." quipped Olivia drily, "... only it doesn't drive mom quite as crazy."

"Just don't let him guilt trip you into this, okay..." gesturing to Stabler the captain instructed, "... you leave whenever you want, you're not on this case as far as I'm concerned.

"Don't worry about it Captain..." smiled Benson, eyes glinting fondly at her former partner as she added, "... I think Evie and I can handle Detective Stabler."

* * *

><p>"What if she knew he was coming?"<p>

"How'd you mean?" asked Elliot, leaving through a wad of papers as Olivia aired a new theory from the cot opposite.

"As soon as we had a suspect for the rape we lost sight of what we knew originally. That there was no sign of forced entry and that Carrie paid cash up front of the room. Who was she expecting? Nathan George? Someone else? She sure as hell wasn't dressed up like in a hotel in that price bracket to watch pay per view and eat take out alone..."

"I'm with you so far..." giving her his full attention Stabler nodded steadily, "... so what if we say, for argument's sake, that she was _expecting_ George to show up."

"Why?" asked Olivia, meeting his eyes as they bounced ideas off each other as in years gone by. The fundamental difference being that rather than simply sitting amid a sea of case notes at their opposite desks, they were now sat amid the crash cots with Eve gurgling contentedly in the mattress space beside her mother.

"Say they _were_ having a relationship like Jenna suspected all along. Say they met when she was rooming with Jenna in juvi and it's been going on between them ever since."

"Things turn sour and she refuses him the sex he's got used to getting..." shrugging as she delivered the blunt hypothesis Olivia finished, "... so he forces her."

"The pieces fit." Acknowledged Elliot, still chewing it over in his mind and allowing the dust to settle on her theory.

"Now talk me through it _not_ being him she was expecting. What does that look like?"

"Ermm, let's see, I guess we look at..." though he had noticed Eve becoming increasingly unsettled over the previous few minutes Elliot was ill prepared for the way he would feel on seeing Olivia carefully bring her to her chest and begin to unfasten the buttons of her blouse.

"Don't mind us..." she smiled with casual reassurance, "... it's just lunch time is all."

"It's just amazing to see..." feeling as though someone were holding clasped hands around his heart as Olivia proficiently tucked the infant under her blouse and Eve settled instantly Elliot added with a tinge of sadness, "... to see you so happy."

"Elliot I'm helping out on a case..." she warned quietly, "...nothing's changed."

"No, no you're wrong..." he countered poignantly, "..._everything's_ changed, Liv."

"Talk me through who else Carrie could've been expecting in that hotel room." She pushed on determinedly, not willing to engage in the conversation he was threatening to start.

* * *

><p>"D?"<p>

"Gah!" came a spluttered gurgle from the carseat slung over Olivia's arm as she staggered in the door calling her partner's name.

"Where is he, baby? Did he wait up for us do we think?" was, she realised, the hope she carried with her over the threshold after an unexpectedly long day at the 16th. "Do we think momma can have something to eat before we hunker down to feed you? Because I gotta tell you Evie Grace I am _starving _and..."

_"Good evening detectives! Pasta in oven for Mom. Cuddles and bedtime story in bedroom for Evie - wake me when you get home. D x"_

"He read my mind..." sighed Olivia blissfully, setting Eve down beside the kitchen counter and firing up the oven to reheat her dinner.

"Hey..."

"I said wake me when you get home..." said David through a yawn, as he awoke to find Olivia and Eve tucked under the covers beside him, "...which was at what time?"

"We got _way_ into the case and I lost track of time... " and then, never believing she would ever genuinely apologise for working late Olivia turned to smile at him and added, "... I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"The pasta was great. Another of your sister's recipes?" she asked, seeing in her mind all the hundreds of men she had stood up for SVU and not really cared deep down. For the first time that night she had spent an evening in the squad room that she would've rather spent buried in the domestic haven David Hayden had created for her.

"I think I've almost got it down..." nodded David, twisting onto his side and propping himself up against an elbow as he stroked Eve's head with his free hand, "... you know I think she's grown."

"Since this morning?" quipped Olivia with a wry smile. "We weren't gone _that_ long, babe."

"I remember the first time we felt her kick. You'd spent the whole day out on Staten Island working that Dubrowski case and you came home soaked to the skin. I was just helping you out of your wet clothes..."

"It rained the whole damn day..." recalled Olivia with a groan, "... it's a wonder Fin and I didn't catch pneumonia!"

"I think I'd gotten as far as relieving you of your jacket and weapon and was just working on your blouse when..."

"She moved inside me..." suddenly it wasn't so much about a moment she had shared with David, but with the infant suckling at her breast. It had been a long and winding road to motherhood but in that moment she had truly known what it was to be truly connected to another human being.

"Can I?" asked David, holding out two hands for Eve on seeing her chubby cheeked little face fall away from her mother's chest and stare up at him with sleepy eyed contentment.

"Be my guest..." smiled Olivia, sinking back against the pillow as he took Eve from her arms, "... she's all yours."

"Oh, oh hey there Evie! Are you smiling for me? Are you?"

"You keep bouncing her around like that and she'll be barfing back all that milk for you" offered Olivia with a sardonic yawn as she watched Eve making faces at David through heavy eyes.

"Is your Mommy a buzz kill? I think she might be. I think so. I think you were smiling for me and she's just being tired and grouchy..." feeling Olivia's eyes rolling back in her head behind him David nuzzled his nose against Eve's and added impishly, "... don't you, baby?"

"Talk to me about grouchy when it's your nipples she's gnawing on..." and then, sliding to the edge of the bed and running a hand exhaustedly through her hair Olivia added carelessly, "... buttface."

"Did you just call me a buttface?"

"I'd have called you something else if you weren't holding my baby..." there was a fleeting moment where he wasn't entirely sure if she was being serious, and then she turned around and flashed him a twisted lipped smile, "... am I really a buzz kill?"

"Get your ass back over here..." he instructed, reaching out his hand to her with Eve tucked up on one of his shoulders."

"Carrie Eldridge is lying through her teeth to us. I don't know why, but she wanted Nathan George in that hotel room with her. I want to help her but she's so messed up she can't even figure out which way is up anymore. She's in so deep I'm not sure she'll ever manage to swim to the surface."

"Come here, come on, come here..." persistent in tone and the tug of his hand at her wrist David dragged Olivia across the bed and into the nook of his free shoulder, "... now shush."

"Did you just shush me?"

"You called me a buttface!"

"D this case is important..."

"No."

"I..."

"No, no this isn't a debate. This isn't up for discussion. Carrie Eldridge is in a hole and Manhattan SVU may or may not get her out of it. You may or may not be part of that process. That's all irrelevant tonight. The case is important, they all are, but it isn't more important than your sanity."

"But..."

"Right here, right now, tonight? Nothing is more important than the fact that you are a grouchy, exhausted, but still completely beautiful new mom who needs to relax and let me take care of her..." bending his neck and kissing at her cheek David waited for her to turn her head to him, catching her lips on his and kissing her tenderly, "... okay?"

"I'm sorry I called you a buttface..." she breathed, tilting her head back, melting into his body and deepening kiss.

"You're not a buzz kill and you were right the bouncing was a bad idea..." murmured David, closing his eyes and wincing, "... your daughter just spat up on my shoulder."

"Our daughter..." she corrected, knowing just how many times she had used that verbal barrier against him and never more wanting to break it down, "... but yeah, yeah I was right."

"You wanna take her so I can go clean up?" asked David, after several long moments had passed where she hadn't offered the obvious.

"Nope..." came a muffled, fading voice as he furrowed his brow bemused.

"Seriously? Only I'm not feeling my sparkly best right now what with the..."

"Ummmhmmm..."

"I mean I know nothing from swollen ankles and c-section onwards has been particularly sexy but I think we're hitting a new low here. I'm not saying we're ready to get right back on the proverbial horse but you're wearing what I believe is Detective Tutuola's shirt, which I can't believe I only just noticed, and I'm wearing spit up. I can only assume that you were too earlier and that's what led to this evident spate of cross dressing. Then again I can't say that I'm complaining with regards the shirt. Maybe it's that you've got a little more frontage than Fin or maybe I'd just find you attractive in a garbage bag but either way of all the crazy happening in this bed right now it's probably the least objectionable factor..." though not unfamiliar with a verbose courtroom monologue David suddenly became very aware of his own voice and took a moment's pause to glance down, "... Olivia?"

"Huh." He stated with a fond chuckle, on realising both Olivia and Eve were asleep in his arms. "Well goodnight to you too, ladies."


	14. A Rush Of Blood To The Head

"Everything alright at home?"

"Fine."

"It's a good job you're the cop not the perp Liv..." replied Fin with a sad smile, "... because you're a lousy liar."

"No, no you're wrong..." she replied distractedly, her gaze and mind a million miles away, "... I make a damn good liar."

"I didn't mean..."

"What am I _doing_ Fin?" she murmured, watching her friend playing with Eve and shaking her head desperately. "What the hell am I doing?"

"The best you can." Replied Fin, bringing kind eyes to rest on her and reassuring her that though he might not like her chosen path he was not about to let her walk it alone.

"Am I?" she doubted, reaching across and pulling tiny white cotton socks back up around Eve's ankles where they were sliding down. "It was easy to convince myself of it when I was pregnant. I was confused, hormonal and scared out of my mind at the thought of actually becoming a mother after all this time."

"And look at you now..." soothed Fin, knowing if nothing else that Olivia loved her daughter with the kind of unconditional adoration he wished he had known as a child.

"She was safe inside me. Nothing and no one could get to her. Not even the truth about how she got there. I could protect her no matter what. But now she's here. She's a real little person and it is _so much_ harder to convince myself that all this is in her best interests."

"Nothing has changed, Liv. We've been here before. You wanted her to have a family. You wanted her to have the kind of childhood, the kind of life that neither one of us had growing up. That hasn't changed, has it?"

"David wants me to name him as the father on her birth certificate."

"And that surprises you?" asked Fin, perhaps a little too frankly.

"I..."

"He's a lawyer. He works with the letter of the law everyday and he knows just exactly what he's getting into here."

"It is one thing to let her call him Daddy and hide the truth from Elliot but it is_ something else_ to defy DNA. What if she gets sick? What if something happens to her and I've signed a binding, legal document to say David is her father? What if somehow, someday, years from now something happens that means the truth _needs _to come out and I've signed away her paternity. How can I do that to her?"

"How can you do that to Elliot, you mean?" challenged Fin, knowingly.

"I know what it's like to have your whole life built on a lie..." whispered Olivia, her voice rasping, "... if I go through with this how am I ever going to look Evie in the eye?"

"Liv don't you think it's a little late to be having these kinds of..."

"You know what I just remembered where I've seen Nathan George's name before..." she deflected, rising from her seat and brushing her blouse smooth with clammy palms, "... look after her while I go dig out an old case file, okay?"

"Sure, sure no worries."

* * *

><p>"Great, great so we're even further into no man's land now than before we started interviewing her. She's lying through her teeth on pretty much everything about this case and we're powerless to break her."<p>

"You know what I'm thinking?" asked Stabler, lifting his hands behind his head and sliding back in his chair as he and Rollins sat alone in the interview room Carrie Eldridge had recently been allowed to vacate.

"That she's an irritating little madame?" asked Rollins, slumping down in Carrie's still warm chair opposite him.

"She said she didn't know her rapist but she sure as hell knew Nathan George. She said she wasn't that good friends with Jenna but frightened kids who room together in Juvi form some of the tightest bonds I've ever seen. We're treating her like a naive little girl but that kid bludgeoned her mother to death the same way as she invited Nathan George to her hotel room."

"You don't think she's the victim in all of this, do you?"

"I think she's a victim. I think she was raped. I just don't think she's completely innocent. What if she'd _already_ slept with Nathan George a long time before they were ever in that hotel room? What if Jenna was right about their relationship?"

"It was his baby." Stated Rollins, the realisation dawning on her as a sudden epiphany.

"Maybe?" shrugged Elliot, allowing the suggestion to find it's feet.

"She said herself that he's a big deal on Wall Street. He sure as hell ain't short of cash..."

"And chances are he'd rather part with it than have an affair with his daughter's criminal friend exposed?" offered Elliot, reaching for his cell as it vibrated on the desk in front of him. "Stabler?"

"A lead?" asked Rollins hopefully, on seeing his face fall into a curious expression.

"CSU finally managed to dump the phone LUDs from that cell they found in the bushes near where Carrie landed..." explained Stabler as he hung up the call, "... there were over 12 outbound calls placed that night and all to the same number."

"Well?" tested Rollins impatiently.

"We first met Carrie when her mom called us after she caught her at 15 in bed with her boyfriend..." recalled Elliot, raising his eyebrows, "... and it would seem Justin is still in the picture."

* * *

><p>"So I'm pretty sure this case is going to be a constant battle of one step forward and two back..."<p>

Wandering into the side room in which she and Fin had been working Olivia failed to find her colleague. Tossing the lab results she had gone out to fetch onto the desk she checked her cell phone casually and tidied a few of Eve's belongings into the empty car seat beside her chair.

"Cap, you seen Fin?" she asked, strolling back into the bull pen with an enquiring smile. "He's abandoned our camp."

"Over there making you both a coffee I think..." lifting his eyes from the paperwork in his hand Cragen gestured across to the refreshment cart, "... yup, he's just there."

"So whose got Evie?" asked Olivia with a serene calm, casting her eyes around the squad.

"Hey Fin?" called Cragen, unable to answer straight away. "Who'd you palm the Littlest Detective off on?"

"No one boss..." smiled Fin, adding sugar to his steaming mug, "... she's napping in interrogation."

"No she isn't..." swallowed Olivia, the colour draining from her face like sand through an hour glass as the world began to spin into a slow motion wash of charcoal grey, "... she isn't in there, Cragen."

"What?" asked Fin, approaching the two with a furrowed brow. "She was right there two seconds ago when I came out to get..."

"You left her alone?" gasped Olivia breathlessly, her chest so tight she could barely force enough air into her lungs to form words.

"Okay let's just stay calm. This might not be what it seems. Let's find Rollins and Stabler and check they haven't picked her up or..." but Cragen could barely finish his sentence, so heart rending was the stricken look on Benson's face.

"Fin where the hell is my baby?" falling back a step Olivia wrapped her arms around her waist, clutching at her elbows as her whole body began to tremble.

"I... Liv I..."

"Captain! 911 call from right outside! There's a girl on the roof with a baby..." yelled Rollins, bursting into the squad room with Stabler hot on her heels, "... from the description it's..."

"Damn it, Carrie." Muttered Fin darkly, as the squad span into a frenzied panic and danced in concentric circles around an increasing distraught Olivia.

"Okay let's get the negotiators in. I want everyone to stay in the building and buffer any press attention. Munch I need you outside and have uniform get a tape cordon put up right now around the front of the building. No one else goes in or out of this precinct without my say so and that's an order." Stepping up to the plate Cragen stood as a pillar of calm amid the escalating storm, delegating tasks and putting the appropriate measures in place.

"I don't want to start a..." began Rollins tentatively, "... but should someone put a call in to David Hayden?"

"No, no we wait until we know what this looks like first."

"Due respect Captain this _looks like_ a mentally unstable girl has his daughter up on our roof..." countered Rollins quickly, meeting Fin's eyes for support, "... in a situation like this the parents need to be notified."

"Fin where's your head at on this one?"

"The father deserves to know." Came the succinct reply from Fin, as he stared across the room at where Olivia was firmly buried in Elliot's arms. Following Fin's sightline they watched as Elliot rubbed Olivia's back with strong, steady repetitive strokes and kissed at her temple lovingly. As she clung to him, arms wrapped tightly around his waist, he murmured reassurances into her hair and supported her body weight from caving to buckling knees.


	15. In A New York Minute

"I should be out there. Why won't they let me go out there, damn it?"

"I know this is impossible for you. I _know_..." affirmed Elliot earnestly, wrapping his palm around her wrist and squeezing it tightly, "... how badly it is hurting you to be in here when your baby is up on that roof."

"I can talk Carrie down. I get it. She lost her little girl and now she's taken mine to..." the words caught in Olivia's throat as she finally surrendered to the devastation caving in the walls of her heart, "... she's taken mine! She's taken my little girl!"

"Shhhh, shhh it's okay, it's okay..." forgetting everything that had gone before, pushing aside all the barriers between them Elliot slid along the cot bed and enveloped in is arms, "... it's gonna be okay, I've got you."

"She's a fucked up kid who has _nothing_ to lose and who the hell knows what's going through her head right now. One wrong word from those negotiators and..." unable to even allow the thought passage through her mind let alone verbalise the notion Olivia trailed off, burying her face in the familiar scent of Elliot's shirt and wrapping her arms around his broad torso.

"There is no worse feeling in the world than knowing your kid is in danger and not being able to do a damn thing about it. I've been there and trust me, _trust_ me when I say I know what you're going through. It's the cruellest hell there is but you have to stay strong Liv..." bringing his arms a little tighter around her, drawing her so close he could feel her heart thundering against his chest Elliot added rousingly, "... because Evie needs you to keep your head."

"I have to go to her..."

"Liv no..." as she broke free from his arms and made toward the door Elliot leap up from his seat and grabbed her arm "... you can't."

"She's _my_ baby! She needs me!" throwing herself at the door and fighting against the handle in her frenzied attempt to escape Olivia felt the entire world caving in around her.

"Olivia no! I hate doing this to you but how many times have you had to fight me when I was blinded by love for my kids?"

"Let me go!" she protested, as he held her at each elbow and resisted her struggle to break free from his hold.

"Carrie is _no state_ to risk you going out there. She's one freak out away from the edge of that roof and if you go out there the negotiators lose all control of..."

"You patronising son of a bitch!" came the raw shriek as Olivia drew her knee up to Elliot's groin and immobilised him. Breaking free and making a bid for freedom as he fell back onto the cot, grimacing in agony.

* * *

><p>"They can't get hold of David. His cell must be switched off or he's out of range so..."<p>

"Can they see her?" asked Olivia quietly, having been caught at the precinct entrance by Munch and Cragen and bundled back inside against her will. "Is she okay?"

"Fin hasn't taken his eyes off her this whole time. She's just fine."

"It's _his_ fault she's up there in the first place so..."

"Don't blame him, Liv. He was only out of that room for a split second before Carrie got in there and snatched Eve. It could've been me. It could've been you..."

"No! No it..." but seeing little point in protesting the point, and knowing she needed to save her energy for the bigger battle being fought Olivia shook her head and turned away from him. Dissolving into silent, desperate tears she curled into the foetal position on the sofa in Cragen's office and chewed anxiously on her thumb nail.

"Liv..." said Elliot, sitting at the base of her spine and realising he had nothing more to say than the sound of her name out loud and the hope that the tone of his voice inferred how much he cared. After a few moments he reached behind him, resting his hand on her hip and stating simply, "I'm here."

"El..." she swallowed, sniffing staunchly and reaching out for his hand. Interlacing her fingers in his she hauled herself upright, throwing the hair back from her eyes and blinking through teary eyes at him.

"Tell me what you need?" he entreated softly, with a low, deep voice as she held his hand tight and stared at him.

"You..." she managed to somehow find enough strength in her voice to utter, "... you. I need you."

"You got me. I'm right here, I am _right_ here..." he soothed, putting his arms around her once more and rubbing gently at her back, "... and I'm not going anywhere."

"She'll be hungry. I have milk and..." as she mumbled into his shoulder he felt the hot, damp of her tears soaking into his shirt, "... she needs me Elliot. They can't keep me in here. You can't keep me in here."

"The second I get the go order you'll be out there with her I promise you. I swear it Liv as soon as Cragen gives the all clear I'll..."

"Elliot you broke my heart."

"What?" he asked, never having been so entirely disarmed by a statement in his entire life.

"I was hurt and confused and mad as all hell at you he was _everything_ I suddenly realised I wanted from _you_ but could never..."

"Liv I know I hurt you and..."

"I can't sit here and listen to you talk about how you understand because you don't. I can't let you talk about how if it was one of your kids up on that roof you'd..."

"I do understand, Liv. I do. You gotta know that. You gotta believe that it's killing me to hold you hostage in here when if she were my baby I'd kill anyone who stood in the way of me getting up on that roof and..."

"She is!" gasped Olivia, the words exploding out of her in a moment of wild, broken, hysteria.

"So you gotta just trust that I..." seeing fresh tears in her eyes and devastation written all over her face Elliot stumbled, "... wait, what?"

"I never meant to lie."

"Are you..." he couldn't breathe, it were as if someone had their hands wrapped around his throat and the world was beginning to spin, "... are you saying what I..."

"She **is **your baby, Elliot."


	16. Scream Until The Words Dry Out

"Evie Grace."

"I never meant to lie."

"I told you once that if Eli had been a girl I would've wanted her named her Gr..."

"I _wanted_ to tell you El I just..."

"You swear on her life?" he tested, his eyes boring so intently into her soul she felt as though she were wearing her skin the wrong way out. "Do you swear on that child's life that she's mine?"

"Yes..." was all Olivia managed to utter before Elliot bolted from the door like a bull at a gate. Charging across the squad room, barging aside furniture and police officers alike he took the precinct steps two at a time and flew out onto the street.

* * *

><p>"Let me talk to her."<p>

"Elliot there are a trained team of negotiators in there with Rollins and Fin working alongside them so..."

"I'm going in."

"Detective what you're asking me is not possible right now so..." began Cragen with a level calm in his voice that proficiently hid the spiralling panic in his gut. Carrie Eldridge had been up on the precinct roof for over an hour with Olivia Benson's baby daughter and was showing no signs of being persuaded down.

"Respectfully Captain..." replied Elliot, ducking his head under the yellow cordon tape and ignoring his superior's orders, "... I'm not _asking_ you."

"Elliot get back here!"

"Carrie? Carrie it's Elliot!"

"What the _hell_ is he doing?" breathed Rollins, reaching out and sinking her fingernails into Fin's arm in horror. Watching Elliot move to the centre of the group of negotiators calling up to Carrie on the roof her heart leapt to her throat. For the first time in over sixty minutes Carrie lifted her eyes from the child in her arms and looked down at them. She was engaged.

"Carrie I know things don't look good right now. You've lost everything and you don't think there's a way out of this but I swear to you there is. You can get past this. We can help you. Detective Rollins and I? We're on your side..." in some strange other world, in which there was nothing and no one but the terrified girl on the roof and an exquisitely beautiful baby girl in her arms Elliot swallowed, "... even Detective Benson."

"I want to see her."

"My friends here don't think that's such a good idea when..."

"I want to see Olivia!"

"I'm here sweetheart..." came the shaky voice from Elliot's left side as Olivia joined the scene, much to Cragen's increasing infuriation, "... you wanted to see me. Well I'm here. I'm right here."

"We're losing control here and I won't have it..." muttered Cragen under his breath, so as only Fin and Rollins could hear him, "... we need those two detectives out of this situation right now."

"It isn't fair!" came the shrieking howl from the roof as Carrie emitted a sob, staggering forward with the sheer force of emotion and scaring everyone on the ground to death as she teetered closer to the edge of the roof.

"I know it isn't, sweetheart. I know. You lost your baby and you're broken hearted..." finding some strange superhuman strength in the power of a mother's love Olivia stood tall and called up to the distraught Carrie, "... we understand that."

"No, no you _don't_ understand! I have lost _everything_ and _everybody_ that I ever cared about!"

"Carrie you're wrong. You're so wrong. I have lost people too. I've been hurt and betrayed and let down just like you have but you are right about one thing..." feeling Elliot's hand slide into hers as she continued to shout up to the roof Olivia's voice broke as she called out, "... I don't understand the pain of losing a child."

"Liv..." warned Cragen, his own heart in his throat as every single one of Detective Benson's colleagues stood terror struck at thought of her gaining such an understanding, "... we've _got_ to let the negotiators handle this."

"No."

"Olivia go back inside..."

"Not a chance in hell."

"She's too volatile right now to have you..."

"That is my baby up there Captain!" came the raw, throaty cry as Olivia broke her hand from Elliot's and span around on her heel to face down her superior. "I'm not leaving her!"

"Hey, hey is that Stabler up there?" asked Munch, rejoining the group and pointing upward to where Elliot was emerging onto the roof behind Carrie.

"Dear God!" yelped Rollins, swallowing the words to mute them.

"Don't do this, Carrie. I know you're in pain. I know this is an _impossible_ situation for you but we're trying to help. Detective Benson is _trying_ to help you. She's not even supposed to be at work right now but she keeps on turning in each day..." shuffling, painfully slowly toward the edge of the roof Elliot held both hands outstretched in front of him in a sign of calm surrender to Carrie's lead, "... because she cares about you."

"I..." came the faltering voice from the ledge as Carrie cradled Eve closer in to her chest and stared down at a sheet white Olivia.

"No one was able to save you from losing your baby. I know that. I know life has let you down more times than it had a right to but between you and me Carrie?" taking a risk, his heart thundering so loudly in his chest he could barely hear the words he spoke Elliot allowed his heart to find a voice. "Life hasn't gone easy on her either. She lost her mother just like you. She's had to look out for herself her whole life and she _knows_ what it's like to want to give up. I know you want to give up. I know you feel like there's no going back from what you've been through but trust me there is. Trust me that if we walk away from this together we can get you the help you need to get past this."

"I can't..."

"Sure you can, sure you can and I can help you. We can help you. End this now and we can figure it all out but Carrie if you get any closer to that edge..." every muscle in Elliot's body was taught as he slowly extended an arm, uncoiling his fingers and extending a hand to her, "... if you go through with this then it's over."

"I want it to be over!"

"And what about the baby?" asked Elliot, for the first time truly seeing the infant in Carrie's arms. Her cherubic peachy pink cheeks, her adorable button nose, her mother's warmth and perhaps most poignantly in that moment; his eyes. "What about Eve? Carrie she has done _nothing_ wrong, she's every bit as innocent as your baby was. Don't make her another victim here. Don't make her life the price of your pain."

"I'm scared, I..."

"I know you are. I know you are. I know you're scared and confused and you think the only way out is down but..." much to the breath baited horror of those on the ground Elliot took two steps forward, "... just hand me the baby, Carrie? Give her to me?"

"No, no I..."

"Let me take her and we can figure this out? Let me, here, just hand her..." to Cragen, Munch, Rollins and most of the assembled crowd Detective Stabler seemed reckless and foolish as he lunged toward Carrie and wrapped himself around both her and the baby, dragging them away from the edge, "... to me."

"My God!" shrieked Olivia, her anguished scream ricocheting around the surrounding buildings and shaking everyone present clear through to the bone.

"What the _hell_ is he doing!" cried Rollins incredulously, as from the ground the group watched Stabler risk everything to bring Carrie in from the roof's edge. It was a moment in which Fin felt suddenly light headed, and Olivia lost her ability to retain a white knuckled grip on consciousness. Watching Elliot pounce and Carrie teeter, momentarily, even closer to oblivion her knees went from under her and she fell back faint into Cragen's waiting arms.

* * *

><p>"Liv? Olivia? It's okay, it's okay he's got her. El got her. She's safe, she's here, she's right here..." as Olivia murmured lightly, blinking her eyes and beginning to come around she looked up to see her colleagues all standing around her in a circle of concern, "... you okay?"<p>

"Evie?" was all she could manage, part mortal dread part abiding hope.

"We've got Carrie in the holding cell and Elliot is bringing..." a touch of his shoulder from Rollins alerted Cragen to his Elliot's emerging from the precinct doors, a fractious Eve in his arms, "... they're right here, Liv."

"El..." she mouthed, unable to find the words. Clambering to her feet to meet him she shook her head and stared numbly.

"She's perfect..." he murmured, sliding Eve gently into her mother's waiting arms and adding poignantly, "... she's completely perfect."

"I..." began Olivia desperately, seeing the utter devastation of her betrayal in Elliot's misty gaze.

"I promised Carrie I'd go straight back inside."

"Elliot?" entreated Olivia, stepping forward after him and clutching Eve almost too tightly to her chest.

"I can't talk to you right now..." he replied ambiguously, before locking her eyes and echoing at a broken whisper only unto her, "... I can't even look at you right now."


	17. Hold On, This Is Gonna Hurt Like Hell

"Well that was a little more excitement than I'd planned for today."

"Seriously Munch?" asked Rollins with a withering stare, tossing her eyes and flashing her colleague a weary smile.

"I'm not the pillar of youthful fortitude I once was."

"Say what now?" screwing her face up with puzzled amusement Rollins dunked a cookie in her tea and chuckled. "You're nuts, John."

"In all seriousness..." sobered the group enough for Munch's next words to really resound, "... that was close out there. Too close."

"I couldn't agree with John more. I don't want any one of you to underestimate what we've all been through today..." agreed Cragen, ever a shepherd to his flock, "... it's always harder when it's one of our own."

"Never mind what we've been through..." dismissed Rollins, voicing the groups overriding concern, "... it's Benson I'm worried about."

"She's doing okay. Fin brought her tea and they're sat in the crib."

"Liv just watched Carrie Eldridge pull a Michael Jackson with her daughter on the precinct roof..." retorted Munch drily, "... it's gonna take a little more than camomile to peel her off the ceiling."

"I honestly didn't see it coming. I mean we knew Carrie had been through hell but _that_ was a whole 'nother..." shaking her head mystified Rollins sighed, "... just thank God for Stabler is all I can say."

"Where is he, anyway?" asked Cragen, as the group attempted to regain their composure after the traumatic turn of events.

"He was with Carrie until they took her off to Belleview..." replied Munch, then shrugged, "... after that he just left."

"I think under the circumstances that might be no bad thing" offered Cragen by way of an attempt to at least maintain the impression he was still holding the reigns. "Perhaps we all ought to just take a moment, take a breath. Regroup."

"Elliot isn't known for his ability to just take a breath though Captain. I'll give him a call and just check in." Volunteered Munch, far from able to believe Elliot had taken himself off to rationally process the day's events through calming breaths and inward reflection.

"Good call, Munch. With them being so close n'all it must've been like having his own kid up there..." offered Rollins, by way of contributing some kind of further explanation for their colleagues conspicuous absence.

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry I blamed you. I know you only turned your back for a second. I would've probably done the same and..."<p>

"You were out of your mind, Liv..." shrugged Fin dismissively, "... and it's not like _I_ wasn't blaming me that whole time."

"I just feel..." she began, struggling for a moment to find any words at all before finally settling on, "... numb."

"You've had a hell of a day. You've got every right to feel beat up by it. Just take some time. Go home and be with the little lady until..."

"Fin he knows."

"What?" swallowed Fin, the day's events suddenly gaining clarity in his mind. Elliot's sudden switch from passive comfort inside the precinct to reckless hero on the roof made so much more sense if he had suddenly become aware of the endangered infant's being part of his bloodline.

"I don't know what to do now. I just feel like I can't breathe. Part of me just wants to take Evie and run..." leaning forward and adjusting the soft pink hat falling down over Eve's eyes Olivia murmured, "... get the hell out of here. Evacuate."

"Well _that's_ a bad idea."

"He knows, Fin. Elliot _knows_ and I feel like I've been tasered or something. I can't even react." She confessed, reaching down and stroking at Eve's clenched fist until it opened like a flower in bloom. She needed those tiny fingers wrapped around her index finger. She needed that connection to her child more than ever in that moment. She needed to delude herself that nothing and no one could ever break it.

"It was always going to end like this..." unable to be anything other than himself Fin was not about to co-host her pity party, "... he was always going to find out."

"He didn't." She corrected, almost as an involuntary reflex.

"Didn't what?"

"Find out. He didn't find out I told him. Not just because he deserved to know and I was wrong to ever keep the truth from him but..."

"But? Why then?" pushed Fin, realising that they were perhaps closer now than ever before to Olivia not only realising what she really wanted but admitting it out loud.

"Because when I knew Carrie was up on that roof with our baby..." the collective possessive she used didn't go unnoticed by Fin, and that simple ease with which she acknowledged Elliot as the other half of her daughter's parentage broke his heart every bit as much as the way she dissolved into self-conscious tears.

"Liv..." he began softly, as she turned away from him a sniffled lightly so as she might hide the true profundity of her anguish. Shaking his head steadily from side to side Fin allowed the reality to permeate his own walled heart. The biological truth he had known became suddenly emotionally tangible. Eve wasn't just Olivia's peachy cheeked baby girl whom he adored more and more each day; she was Elliot's daughter. She was their lovechild.

"I know, I know you don't have to say it. I did this. I created this hell. I brought this all on myself. I made my bed and I have _no right_ to hurt now when..."

"You're in love with the dude and you had his baby..." sighed Fin, unfailing in his loyalty and unconditional in his affection as he squashed himself onto the crib beside her and enveloped Olivia in his arms, "... you don't got a choice."

* * *

><p><em>"I wish you wouldn't keep doing that."<em>

_"Eating candy corn?" asked Olivia, lowering the bag and removing her free hand from inside it. She had been scoffing it unconsciously the entire ride back from the docks and felt suddenly very self conscious for the fact. _

_"Wading in when I tell you to stay back..." replied Amaro, tossing his badge and weapon onto his desk and shaking his head in frustration, "... you gotta start taking better care of yourself."_

_"I couldn't just stand there like an idiot while the perp gets away!"defend Olivia, trashing her snack and staring brow furrowed at her partner. _

_"You're pregnant, you're an idiot for not making it known to the Captain and the rest of the squad and you're risking your child's safety every time you step into the firing line..." argued Nick firmly, "... so yeah, yeah you could've."_

_"Wow."_

_"Yeah, well, you needed to hear it and given that as far as I'm aware I'm the only one who knows..." shrugging unapologetically Amaro added, "... it had to be me that said it."_

_"Did Stabler and Rollins check the evidence from this morning's raid on the fish traders' offices?" she asked, deflecting attention from her operational abilities. Leaning over her desk and into her draw she instinctively reached a hand to her lightly swollen belly, holding a palm flat against the child inside it protectively. No matter how weak it made her feel as a police officer, she was going to have to admit strength as a mother sooner rather than later she realised. She hated admitting Nick Amaro was right, but this was one time it was not in her interests to wait until he was proven thus. _

_"Stabler, Rollins, about time!" heckled Amaro as their two colleagues arrived back in the squad room. "We were just talking about you."_

_"Sorry, we caught traffic in the tunnel on the way back from that last call out." Apologised Rollins, removing her jacket and draping it over the back of her chair. "All smoke no fire though so that's something at least. We also reckon to have a lead from one of the laptops we got from those offices this morning."_

_"I'm still wearing catch of the day cologne from earlier..." joining in the conversation for the first time Elliot Stabler found Olivia's eyes and held her gaze, "... so I think I'll take a shower before we start wading through that lot. That cool, Rollins?"_

_"Fine with me partner..." the final word was as natural as all the other new formed partnerships to all but Olivia, for whom it grated unbearably, "... i'll make us coffee and get started. Join when you're ready."_

_"What the hell took you so long?" growled Elliot, as Olivia entered the crib several long moments later and he pinned her unhesitatingly against the back of the door as it closed._

_"I had to wait for them all to get busy..." she moaned, as he kissed hungrily at her neck and slid his hands up the back of her sweater until his palms were spread possessively across the small of her back, "... can you think of an reason I'd follow you in to take a shower?"_

_"Yes..." he said, lips twisting to a roguish grin as he kissed at her top lip, bottom lip, biting at it lightly before sinking his mouth onto hers. _

_"One that I can share with the group!" she laughed breathlessly, leaning back against the door and staring for a moment into the cerulean circles of lust setting her entire body ablaze with their desire. _

_"I hate that he's your partner now."_

_"I know you do." She smiled, unashamedly delighting in his territorial itch. _

_"It's you and me. That's how it's supposed to be. That's how it's always been. Amaro's a good guy and I trust him to watch your six but..." lowering his hands he reached for her wrists, lifting her bent arms until her hands were palm up between them, "... he's not me."_

_"No, no that's true." She said, as he twisted his fingers in and out of hers, playing with her hands with his fingertips. "But you left SVU remember? You could've come back but you chose narcotics."_

_"And you're never going to forgive me for that are you?" they weren't really fighting, barely even arguing, just batting the ball back and forth casually. _

_"I get why you did it. You just don't get to be a child about seeing me work with Amaro when you swoop in every month or so to play crack chase."_

_"Crack chase? Is that what you call collaring a rapist and four known crack dealers all in one dock raid?"_

_"It was a good day for both of us."_

_"Rollins has good instincts."_

_"Instincts? Seriously?"_

_"She's green but she'll a great cop..." showing his teeth in a teasing grin Elliot brought their clasped hands to his lips and kissed her knuckles, "... plus she's a pretty cute little blonde so that helps."_

_"That your best shot?" replied Olivia with a confident calm. "That all you got?"_

_"Got?"_

_"Even if Rollins was your type you couldn't sound less convincing with the 'cute blonde' line if you..."_

_"Okay, okay fine that was a lame play."_

_"Yuhuh."_

_"I'm not that guy and you know it. I'm not the cliché cop that falls for his partner."_

_"You fell for me?" she asked, the notion a little more serious than their clandestine closed door hook ups had until that point inferred. "You've fallen for me, Detective Stabler?"_

_"Yeah but not just because you were my partner..." there were very rare moments in which Elliot Stabler bore his soul to anyone, but that was suddenly and unintentionally turning into one of them, "... it was always more than that."_

_"Elliot..." she began softly, entranced by lyric that was almost poetic to her vulnerable soul. _

_"What?" he pushed, when no further words came. Sliding his fingers from hers he moved his hands to her hips, holding them there for a moment before moving them gradually forward until his palms were resting slightly against her stomach. _

_"You should take your shower!" she baulked, twisting out from the space between Elliot and the door and feeling suddenly unbearably warm. _

_"Liv what the hell was that? I didn't even say anything!" he protested, confused. He was right, she knew, he hadn't said a word. He had just put his hands on their unborn child and it felt to her as if she had been burned by her own karma. _

"I thought I might find you out here."

"The day we raided those offices down at the docks. I was working narcotics and we teamed up with you guys for that case. When we got back I went to take a shower and we were in the crib..." feeling his skin tingle at the thought of his hands on her Elliot swallowed, "... you freaked out."

"Elliot..."

"You know I've been sat here for the past hour and half trying to figure out whether a part of me knew somehow."

"I don't know what to say to you." Was all Olivia could manage to force past the golf ball lodged high in the back of her throat as she wandered across the roof and came to join Elliot on the wall overlooking the city.

"I thought you were just having an attack of conscious over the affair..." he recalled, it being the first of numerous occasions they had come together after their initial night together at the police ball, "... but you were pregnant, weren't you?"

"Yes." She replied, honesty all she had left to offer in the aftermath of all her deceit.

"I have never felt closer to any person than I did the night we were together after the ball. It was wrong and it was immoral and it made no sense at all but I trusted it completely." And then, looking to her his broken heart bleeding from misty eyes Elliot added quietly, "I trusted you."

"It was hard for me too, you know!" she half choked half cried. Desperate that he might, even just for a moment, see her pain.

"That night after the ball? It was when..."

"David and I came together but things hadn't been right for months. We were both working insane hours and fighting all the time. We weren't..." and then, seeing no reason why she should lower herself to the gritty details Olivia attempted to maintain some semblance of integrity as she added, "... anyway, a while after the ball I realised I hadn't been feeling myself so I went to the doctor."

"Did you think I wouldn't want to know?"

"El..."

"Did you honestly think I wouldn't have done the right thing?"

"No! No I just..."

"I missed _everything_ Olivia. I missed it all." Shrugging his broad shoulders with a vulnerability she had never seen in him before Elliot surrendered to the tears of shock, anger and painful betrayal that had been threatening for hours.

"I'm sorry!"

"You were my best friend..." he rasped, his tears glistening with tears he cried silently, without even for a moment appearing weakened by them.

"El..."

"You were my other half. You were the most completely real person I'd ever known. I _trusted_ you and..."

"Elliot _please_..."

"You carried my child inside of you for nine months and you said _nothing_!" he yelled, stepping away from her and turning a full circle in front of her as his mind span with the full comprehension of the true scale of her deception. You let David Hayden hold your hand while you gave birth to _my_ daughter and you let me freakin' congratulate him on how beautiful she is. You made me a fool, Olivia!"

"No!" she cried desperately, attempting to reach out to him only to find he took a further step away from her.

"She's my blood, she's part of me and if Carrie Eldridge hadn't lost her mind and snatched her today then you still wouldn't have told me that I'm her father."

"I was going to I just..."

"How could you, Liv?" he interjected, caring little for her failed attempts at denial or justification. "How _could_ you?"

"I love you!" she heard herself gasp, as though it were the final dying breath from her breaking heart.

"I love you too..." he replied but the words barely had chance to resound before they were quickly followed by blind rage, "... but I will **never** forgive you this."


	18. I Can't Be Your Cure Anymore

"I understand, mom."

Were the first words uttered by Olivia Benson after several hours sat silent at her mother's graveside. Cross legged on the grass in her almost uniform black trousers, boots and an old favourite maroon blouse. In her lap she cradled a gurgling Eve, who, despite the earth shattering events of the previous few days remained blissfully content. Heavy lashes blinked over saucer wide azure eyes as she stared up at her mother with the unflinching faith that she would hold back the tide. Be it fear, danger, loss, disappointment or heartache that came for her Olivia would stand face to the wind and fight like hell to protect her.

"All those years we fought. All the nights you drank and I cried. All the times I was so sure, so cocky and self important and so goddamn sure that I knew it all. You were raped and you hated me for the pain that caused you. I didn't have the right to presume to understand. I could never have. Not until now. Not until Evie."

Reaching down and brushing her fingertips along Eve's cheek Olivia sighed adoringly, choking back tears and realising that nothing would ever be as strong as the love she felt for that child.

"You didn't hate me you hated that you couldn't protect me. You hated that my mere existence was locked up and tied down to something that you knew would hurt me. I'm not saying it's the same. It isn't. Elliot is a good man. He's a great man. He just can't be her Dad. I knew that going into this so I lied. I couldn't give her the world I wanted to, the world she deserved, so I create a new one. I made believe that David was her father and we could have this perfect little family. I should've known it wouldn't last. No lie that big can hold out against reality. Not even when you want it as badly as I did."

"I've been going through hell trying to find you Olivia."

"David!" she gasped, twisting around to find him standing behind them suddenly. "How long have you been stood there? Were you listening?"

"To you talking to your dead mother the way you won't even talk to me?" came the cold, calm response as the initial relief at having found them both safe and well faded to raw anger.

"Don't you dare..."

"I had to hear about what happened at the 1-6 the other day from freakin' Novak!" yelled David, his words echoing uncomfortably around the cemetery. "You just took off to some roadside motel without even so much as a text or a note! I've been out of my mind! Do you have any idea the number of possible scenarios I imagined? Did you even think about me at all?"

"You wanna keep your voice down?" hissed Olivia, clambering to her feet and lifting Eve to her shoulder so that she might hide her face from David's obvious disgust.

"I deserve more, Olivia." Were the words that entirely immobilised her with their truth.

"I know."

"All I have done, all I have _ever_ done is love you. Right from the start. I deserve more than hearing about Carrie Eldridge's little stunt from a colleague. I deserve more than you just disappearing without a word. I deserve better."

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore, D."

"Olivia..." he began slowly, having come armed for a fight and yet now finding nothing more than battle scars.

"I thought I had... it all seemed... but now..." shaking her head steadily from side to side she stopped attempting to form words, instead just lowering her eyes and settling them silently on the grass.

"I think that we need to take some time." Pausing for a beat in the shadow of a fading dream David added, "Apart."

"What?" she asked, eyes flying up to his. "David, no!"

"Oh come on, Olivia. Did you honestly expect me anything else? I heard about what happened that day. I heard _all_ about it. I heard about Elliot Stabler playing the hero up on the roof from Munch and Rollins. I heard about how close Eve came to disaster from Fin. I heard about how shaken up you were from Cragen."

"I should've called you right away I just..."

"But I think I could've moved past all of that. I could've justified and rationalised the way I always do if I hadn't stopped for a mocha at the cart outside the precinct on my way here."

"A mocha?" she asked, losing his conversational thread.

"Where I heard about the way you and Elliot were with each other..." bitterly, and with finality in his eyes David added, "... from the girl who sells the coffee."

"I was terrified, D! He was just being a _friend_ and..."

"Elliot Stabler will never just be a friend to you. Don't delude yourself and don't insult my intelligence."

"What I meant was..."

"Tell me you don't love him?" challenged David, forcing their issue once and for all. "Tell me that you're stomach doesn't roll when you see him? Tell me that every time you look at Eve, every time they're in a room together you're freakin' womb doesn't ache because she's _his_ child?"

"David I..."

"We can play house all we like Olivia but the truth is that if you're still in love with Elliot Stabler then what's the point?" shrugging with helpless defeat David stared at her, watching, waiting for a reaction, waiting for a release.

"It's all just too much. I can't do it. I can't do this. I know I've messed it all up and I'm sorry but I just..." gasping for air Olivia clutched Eve and pushed on, forcing herself to form words.

"It's okay."

"No it isn't! None of it is. I just don't know how to fix it. I don't have anything left in me to fight with. My head is swimming and I can't think straight and my heart..." with her voice trembling she whispered, "... my heart is just too full and I..."

"I love you, Olivia."

"David..." stepping forward she reached out, setting her hand on his collar bone and staring deep into his eyes.

"You were Stabler's partner for over a decade and it doesn't matter whether what the hell kind of relationship the two of you had then or have now, the reality is the same. You had his baby. I was an idiot to think that I could just paper over that with what we may or may not have."

"D..."

"You're bleeding out and I was only ever just a band aid."

"I wanted this to work so badly..."

"Me too."

"So..."

"But it was never _going_ to, was it? Not while your head and heart are still so full of him. We never stood a chance."

"I..."

"Take some time. Take a trip. Be with Evie and just be her mom for a while. Since the moment she was born it's all been about who her father is but the one constant she can always rely on is that she has you. You're her mother and that is absolute so just let it be the two of you for a while. Think about it all. Figure out what it is you want, for you and for her."

"But what about you, D?" asked Olivia softly, seeing goodbye in his eyes.

"You've been through so much this past year and it's not over. I'm not going anywhere. I'll still be here tomorrow. I'll still be here next week, next month, next year. You need to end whatever it is you have with Stabler before we can start to build a life together. You need to figure out whether you even _want_ to end whatever it is you have with Stabler because if you don't..." bending down to press a kiss against Eve's temple he leant over and gifted the same on Olivia's adding, "... we're over before we've even begun."

"I never meant to hurt you..." and, despite everything, he smiled because he knew she really didn't, "... you have to believe that?"

"I believe it. I believe you. You've got more love to give than anyone I have _ever_ known Olivia..." though he may have waving a white flag David Hayden was no victim, "... just make sure you're giving it to someone who deserves it."


	19. Between The Lines Of Fear And Blame

"She's absolutely gorgeous - look at those baby blues!"

"Huh." Said Fin awkwardly, jostling Eve on his lap as the woman on the bench next to him began to cooingly fawn over her.

"Oh she's going to be a real heartbreaker when she's older. Those cheekbones, that _skin_..." as she leant over to paw at a perplexed Eve the woman showcased her ample cleavage to an uncomfortable Fin, "... she's like a precious little doll!"

"Yeah, yeah she's real cute." He managed, less because he didn't think the world span around the little girl he had come to see as family and more because he wasn't entirely sure he cared for the proximity the stranger held to her.

"Is Mommy in the picture?" asked carefully pursed cerise lips as the woman fluttered fake lashes and desperately attempted to appear coy. "Or is it just Daddy and his little princess?"

"Oh, oh okay lady we gotta go."

"So Mommy..." is an NYPD detective who would kick your sorry ass into satellite orbit if she could see you going all gooey eyed over her kid, was the reply Fin mentally offered.

"Is in the picture." Was the verbal dismissal his better nature offered as he got up from the bench an walked to meet the figure approaching in the distance.

"You owe me big time, man. Evie and I just got propositioned by a Real Housewife..." grumbled Fin with a disgruntled frown as he approached Elliot, "... and she meant business."

"She's grown again."

"El, dude, it's been less than a week..." replied Fin doubtfully, as Eve was transferred between the two men's arms, "... she didn't grow."

"She's definitely heavier."

"No."

"And her hair, it's longer than..."

"Okay seriously..."

"I already missed so much..." interjected Elliot with a quiet poignancy that melted any attempts by Fin to be either firm or flippant in reply.

"I wish you would just talk to her." As the two men strolled casually through the park Fin deliberately kept his eyes on the trees. He couldn't meet Elliot's gaze as he suggested what he knew would feel an impossibility to his friend.

"Hey Evie do you see that? See the pretty carousel? See the horses?" shifting her in his arms Elliot made it so that Eve could see the famous landmark a few yards away. Though it hadn't all been in the week since he had seen her last, the little girl was undoubtedly growing fast and, now able to hold her head, she was as bright eyed and vivacious as he imagined her mother to have been at that age. He watched her just taking it all in, soaking up the world around through all her developing senses and a shrewd little mind.

"Check out those eyes just watchin' it all go down, she don't miss a trick do you kid?" marvelled Fin, pinching Eve's cheek fondly as they paused in their walk.

"I'm gonna bring you to ride on one of those horses when you're a bit bigger. My other girls used to love anything to do with ponies and if you do two then we'll go riding real ones too..." pressing kisses against Eve's temple as she watched the bright colours and listened to the twinkling music Elliot continued, "... you're not gonne miss out on a thing, Evie Grace. That's a promise from your Daddy."

"El seriously, buddy..." entreated Fin, heartened by the tenderness Elliot displayed around his daughter, "... talk to her."

"Talk to her?" asked Elliot, turning to his colleague and trusted friend. "I don't even think I can look at her."

"I know you're mad."

"No, no Fin I'm not mad..." said Elliot frankly, "... I'm _out of my mind_ furious."

"I know but..."

"I get why you lied. I do. She was a mess and needed a friend. You did a good thing. She trusted you and you kept that trust. I'm glad you did."

"You are?" asked Fin, having wondered for some time why they had never had this conversation. He had betrayed Elliot by keeping Olivia's secret and yet it had just never seemed to come up. They had never spoken of it, until now.

"She doesn't have many people in her corner and I couldn't stand the thought of her going through all that crap alone..." it rendered Fin speechless and inwardly aching that, despite everything, the love Elliot had for Olivia was as profound as it was unconditional, "... you did a good thing."

"This was all pretty ugly for her too you know?" offered Fin, brushing past any recognition of his integrity and returning instead to his attempts to call a ceasefire.

"How is she?" asked Elliot, before his stubborn pride could catch up with his heart.

"Not great."

"I mean with the baby and stuff? She's coping? She's managing with Eve and..."

"Okay just give it up, El. Don't make this an interrogation about Eve's welfare..." warned Fin, defensive of Olivia and where the line of questioning was going, "... just because you're too pansy ass to admit how much you still care about her mother?"

"She lied to me, Fin!"

"I _know_ she did." Came the emphatic, but unflinching reply from a loyal Fin.

"She lied to me in a way that I don't even know how to even begin to forgive. I'm not saying I've never done her wrong. I'm no saint and that's no secret but what she did?" shaking his head with a breathy exhale Elliot wrapped his arms a little tighter around his daughter and closed his eyes sadly.

"And what about what you did, huh?" challenged Fin, for the first time bringing into question Elliot's own actions. "What about what _you_ did to _her_, Elliot?"

"I..."

"I don't pretend to know all the details and I don't want to. All I know is that after all those years of you two playing your dumbass games you finally let it happen. Call it an affair, call it a relationship, call it whatever the hell you like..." shrugging Fin added, "... it was real."

"What's your point, Fin?"

"My point? My point is that you broke her freakin' heart Stabler. I know because I was the one picking up the damn pieces! After Jenna when you gave up your shield and walked out on her as a partner..." pausing for a moment, daring himself to go there Fin added quietly, "... and after the ball when you walked out on her as something more than that."

"I don't need to tell you how it was for me after I took that kid's life."

"No, no you don't but that doesn't..."

"And I had a wife. I had Kathy and I have five kids who..."

"You let her fall in love with you, dude!" yelled Fin, then lowered his volume on seeing Eve's reaction to his raised voice. "You let her believe that the two of you had a shot and then you just went back to Kathy like she wasn't even worth a damn!"

"That's not how it was..."

"That's how it was for her." Stated Fin with a heart-rending expression rawer than any sentiment Elliot had ever seen in his eyes.

* * *

><p>"Fin you better have a damn good reason for being so late because..."<p>

"Hey."

"Elliot?" asked Olivia with surprise as she opened her apartment door to an unexpected face. "Hi..."

"Fin got called in to work a case down at Hudson with Munch..." with the diaper bag over his shoulder and Eve cradled in the crook of his arm Elliot asked sincerely, "... so is it okay that I brought her home?"

"Sure, sure of course it's..." said Olivia, unconsciously tugging at the hem of her black t-shirt with one hand and rearranging the hair falling out a messy ponytail with the other, "... did you want to come in?"

"I should probably get home..." began Elliot in reply, his eyes dancing across the warm glow of her skin that radiated motherhood before settling on troubled brown eyes that rendered him powerless to resist, "... but maybe just for a few minutes?"

"I'll make coffee."

"Thanks."

"Was she okay?" she asked, busying herself with making their drinks and attempting to sound nonchalant. "She wasn't any trouble? She took the bottles okay?"

"Yeah, yeah no she was great. Good as gold. Ate like a little champ..." beamed Elliot, forgetting himself for a moment and getting lost in his daughter's bright blue eyes staring up with increasing attachment to her paternal blood, "... didn't you Mouse?"

"Mouse?" asked Olivia with an arched brow of curiosity as she slid one mug across the table and wrapped her fingers around the other.

"What?" asked Elliot, shaking himself back to reality and stealing his eyes from Eve. "Oh, right, yeah, it's stupid really. I guess it's just something I said once that kinda stuck between us, didn't it Evie?"

"Dare I ask?" tested Olivia, her heart in her throat at the first painful conversation she had shared with Elliot since the fateful roof incident. Though they had figured out an awkward visitation schedule, using Fin as their gopher, they had not yet spoken properly. Until now.

"It's dumb but I guess it started one day when she had on one of those little stretchy skull hat things. It just kinda emphasised that she's all eyes, you know? Just a tiny face with these giant blue saucers staring up at you..." realising how ridiculous he probably sounded to her Elliot shrugged awkwardly, "... she's just looks like a little cartoon mouse, is all."

"So what you're saying is that our daughter looks like a rodent?" quipped Olivia, before she was able to think better of it.

"I..."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that was..." she fumbled, sensing from his sudden change in expression that she had overstepped, "... I didn't mean..."

"It's fine."

"No, no I..."

"Liv its fine..." he appeased gently, moving around the counter to stand close in front of her, "... it's just..."

"What?" she pushed, unbearably unsure as to what was happening between them beyond the internal explosion of familiar fireworks. Staring intently at her Elliot said nothing for a few moments, as though he had lost the power to form words.

"It's just I've never heard it out loud before..." confessed Elliot, his eyes misting slightly and his voice choked, "... you talking about _our daughter_ is so..."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"El..." she stepped, knowing it was entirely into the unknown.

"I'm still mad as all hell at you, Liv. I don't know how to change that but you don't ever apologise for her. In all this mess, in all the crap going on here that I don't understand, one thing I do know..." locking her gaze Elliot stared deeply into her eyes and acknowledged, "... is that Evie is perfect."

"She really is..." breathed Olivia, reaching up and the back of Eve's clenched fist with her index finger.

"Thank you..." said Elliot simply, carefully sliding the baby into her arms and at the same time bending down to press a tender kiss against Olivia's forehead, "... for our daughter."

"I..."

"Same time on Tuesday?" he asked, taking a step back.

"El, anytime you want to see her..." she replied with a whispered promise, "...you know that, right?"

"Yeah, yeah I know." Nodded Elliot with the grateful acknowledgement that, despite mounted odds, they were both willing to make a fumbling, tentative, but determined attempt at co-parenting.

"So I'll just wait for Fin's call." She smiled with a rueful recognition of their new routine.

"What if we cut Fin a break?" suggested Elliot cautiously. "What if I just drop you a text and we figure this out between us from now on?"

"Sure, sure we can do that." She nodded steadily, holding his eyes and not daring to hope this might herald the start of a forgiving thaw on his part.

"Okay then..." he nodded in union, setting the diaper bag down on the counter and backing toward the door with his eyes still on hers, "... okay then."


	20. You're My Wonderwall

"I wasn't sure you were gonna make it!"

"Sorry, sorry I know I'm really late. This morning's been a total write-off. I was just leaving the apartment and she puked all down both of us and then by the time we'd been back to change we hit rush hour traffic heading downtown and..."

"My God..."

"What?" asked Olivia, a little startled by the penetrating stare Alexandra Cabot was throwing across the restaurant table. Setting Eve's carseat down in the space between their two opposing chairs she felt flustered by the unreadable expression on the ADA's face and found herself rearranging newly cropped hair with a self-conscious smile.

"You're glowing."

"I'm a mess!" laughed Olivia, relieved as Alex broke a warm smile

"You cut your hair..." noted the ever observant lawyer, reaching for her water and taking a slow sip, "... it's really cute."

"It's really practical..." countered Olivia, bending down to dab Eve's mouth with her bib and stroking her cheek lightly with gentle fingertips, "... mama doesn't get much personal grooming time these days, does she angel?"

"How are you, Olivia?" asked the earnest blonde, realising just how long it was since she had opportunity to truly ask that question of her friend. "It's been forever since we really got chance to talk."

"I guess that's my fault..." acknowledged Olivia with reluctant acceptance that she had been the one to deliberately sit under the radar the past few months, becoming a relative hermit since her split from David, "... it wasn't my intention. Or maybe it was. I don't know."

"I don't blame you. It's not as though I was particularly supportive the last time we spoke..."

"By which you mean you were a wholly judgemental and painfully self righteous pain in the ass?" challenged Olivia, never known for her ability to lace reality with syrup to make it easier to swallow.

"Wow, well..." said Alex, twisting the corners of her mouth to a shrewd smile, "... motherhood hasn't softened you a bit has it detective?"

"You told me she was a mistake Alex..." replied Olivia, the memory of her friend's cutting words reopening an old wound, "... you told me having Evie was a mistake and..."

"That isn't fair I never..."

"You _knew_ how badly I wanted to be a mother..." asked deep brown eyes, as Olivia shook her head and spoke wistfully to her friend, "... and how much your support meant to me."

"What about how much our friendship meant to me, Olivia?" replied Alex, retaining a calm composure though in her eyes the hurt was obvious.

"Which is why I needed you on my side more than anyone!" replied Olivia with a muted cry, still not able to believe she hadn't had Alex's support when she'd needed it most.

"You never were very good at furnishing me with all the relevant facts before pushing me to arbitrate right from wrong..." narrowing her eyes and refusing to be made out as the wrongdoer Alex held her ground, "... and I should've smelt reasonable doubt a nautical mile off."

"Alex I..."

"You lied to me."

"I never said the words."

"You're _seriously_ going to try and get off on a technicality?"

"I'm not on trial here Alex!"

"You let me to believe that it was David Hayden's child you were carrying. You made it so I felt like an idiot, like I was assuming zebras seeing the way you were around Elliot Stabler. I knew things were right with Hayden for _months_ but you wouldn't talk to me about it. I could see it plain as day but you wouldn't give an inch, you wouldn't let me in, you kept me at arm's length the way you _always_ do and then you have the gall to accuse me of not being on your side!"

"I..."

"Don't you dare lie to me now, don't you _dare_ take me for a fool when any idiot with eyes can see she's Elliot's. Aside from those darling baby blues it's written all over your face..." shrugging in a moment of amity renaissance the ADA sighed, "... so how about, for a refreshing change, we start being honest with one another again detective?"

"Alex I..." shaking her head and realising that all the months she had spent attempting to live a bittersweet fairytale had been unbearably selfish, "... I'm sorry. Forgive me?"

"I never once, not for a moment, not for a _heartbeat_ would've said that keeping Evie was a mistake..." whispered Alex, with that raspy lightly smoked voice that made the hairs at the nape of Olivia's neck stand on end, "... because _that_ little girl wasn't the one you were asking me about. You didn't ask me if I thought keeping Evie was a good idea. You didn't ask me if I thought you should have Elliot Stabler's baby."

"And if I had?" dared Olivia, boldly.

"I couldn't bear to see you live a lie. I couldn't stand to see you commit yourself to a life with a man you weren't in love with and raise a child who would forever be the reason you could never admit the truth..." reaching across the table and placing her fingertips lightly over Olivia's hand Alex smiled, "... that it has _always_ been Elliot."

"Yeah, well, that isn't important. It doesn't matter. All that matters now..." stealing back her hand and evading the particular direction the conversation had taken Olivia segued, "... is Evie."

"She's beautiful, Liv. She's absolutely darling..." as Olivia reached down and unfastened the clasps pinning Eve into her car seat she hoisted the baby girl up onto her knee, and rearranged her lilac outfit dotingly as Alex added, "... you should be very proud."

"I am." Came Olivia's simple reply. Her whole face lighting up as her jaw relaxed into an easy grin just watching her daughter's chubby faced little expressions. Now holding her own head above her shoulders she leant her back against Olivia's hand for support and, pat-a-caking her hands together gleefully, she burbled bubbles from upwardly almost smiling lips and batted long dark lashes up at her mother.

"Who knows?" asked Alex. Though her heart ached at the adorable child, her mind was ever firmly grounded in the practicalities of any reality no matter how genial it may be.

"Fin knew almost from the start. I told El the day Carrie had her up on the roof..." and then with a weary sigh Olivia added, "... and now you."

"That's it? Not Cragen? Novak? Dare I say it..." pausing for a beat so as to be able to fully gauge Olivia's reaction Alex hesitated, "... Kathy Stabler?"

"No..." and then realising that although she had absolute faith in Fin's silence she had no control over Elliot, "... or at least not that I know of."

"What are you gonna do, Liv?" asked Alex, posing the biggest question possible and forcing Olivia into a sudden tear struck silence.

"I..."

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to..."

"Honestly?" scratchy voiced and feeling suddenly so painfully small Olivia expertly staved off tears as she confessed at a whisper. "I have no clue."

"I hear you broke it off with Hayden."

"Good news travels fast."

"Are you okay with it? I mean..."

"He didn't deserve what I did to him. He was besotted with Evie and he really was prepared to raise her as his but..."

"You weren't prepared to let him?" asked Alex, only a true friend being able to exact the brutal truth from the enigma of Olivia's soul.

"So now he's gone and I'm alone. Elliot sees Evie once or twice a week but no one knows about it. Not any of our friends, not his family, not his wife. We're barely talking and only then he only tolerates me for Evie's sake. It's all just..." bending down and kissing Eve's sweet smelling tuffs of dark hair Olivia whispered, "... well I wanted more for her. That's all."

"It'll get better."

"Will it?" doubted Olivia exhaustedly.

"I believe so. But in the meantime..." leaning over the table and offering Eve her finger, waiting for the infant to grab it before smiling, "... you're not alone."

"No, no I guess not. For better or worse Evie is stuck with me now."

"She's not _stuck_ with you..." tossing her eyes with a disparaging smile Alex waited a moment before looking up at Olivia and adding, "... and that wasn't what I meant."

* * *

><p>"I hope you don't mind."<p>

"No, no it's..." taking a moment to fully appreciate the oversized little baseball onesie on her daughter Olivia twisted her face comically, "... cute?"

"I figured she's too little to go to a game yet but it's a start..." shrugging with unusual reticence Elliot added, "... and she looks good in Yankee blue."

"She sure does." Nodded Olivia, quite lightheaded at the heart achingly adorable sight of Eve's chubby little arms and legs poking out of her new outfit and the look of intense paternal pride in Elliot's face.

"So I meant to tell you earlier that I can't do this Thursday like we'd planned."

"Oh, right, no worries..." wondering as to the reason why but feeling unable to ask Olivia simply added, "... that's cool."

"Nathan George is up in court for Carrie's rape and I really wanna be there..." hesitating momentarily Elliot stroked the material of Eve's suit smooth against her back and sighed, "... you know?"

"You got enough to get a conviction?"

"We'll soon find out."

"Casey thinks she can nail the bastard?" it was clear from everything about her, from tone to the way her body inclined into the conversation that Olivia was every bit as involved as he was. She had never detached herself from the first time they had helped Carrie and despite, on Cragen's orders, having taken a step back physically this time her emotions remained on the case.

"It seems open and shut. George is a rich wall street player who took advantage of an emotionally unbalanced young girl he met through his daughter. She was expecting her boyfriend at the hotel that night but instead George shows up, he rapes her and then pushes her off the balcony. She loses the baby and he goes to jail."

"But you don't think that's how it went down?"

"It alright if I stay for a while?" was the last question Olivia expected to hear, but it was an idea that was in no way objectionable to her.

"Sure, sure grab a seat..." she nodded, wandering over toward the couch and gesturing for him to sit down, "... it alright if I feed her while we talk?"

"Course..." he nodded, handing over the baby before removing his leather jacket and making himself comfortable on the chair beside her, "... go for it she's not had a bottle since lunch."

"So you were saying?" she encouraged, settling back into the couch cushions with Eve hungry at her chest. "You're not so sure George is your man?"

"Yeah, no, I mean I dunno. I think he's guilty..." shrugging with tired eyes Elliot reached his hands to his face and rubbed wearily, "... of something at least."

"Go on..." smiled Olivia, flashing him a knowing twinkle of her eyes, "... give me your theory, detective."

"It's probably..."

"Say it." She pushed, invoking his trust.

"I think he was set up."

"George?" she puzzled, attempting to jump into his thought stream.

"I think Carrie and Justin were in on this together."

"You think she _wanted _this?"

"I think she had an affair with George when she got out of the detention centre with his daughter. I think she learned how he operated and how many zeroes he had at the end of his checking account balance. I think she was a desperate kid who had nothing and no one but a besotted boyfriend who'd go along with whatever crazy scheme she cooked up."

"So the baby..." said Olivia, testing out the theory's boundaries, "... Justin's or Nathan George's?"

"No clue but it didn't matter..."

"So long as George _believed_ it was his?" in a sudden epiphany Olivia understood where his head was at, and the two detectives were back on the job together as though it were several years earlier.

"Carrie invites George to that hotel room to tell him that she's having his baby. She's a wicked smart kid and she knows just how much Wall Street guys like him will pay to buy their mistresses' silence and protect their reputations."

"Only maybe she didn't bank on him finding another way to fix the problem?" expanded Olivia, disturbing Eve's feed momentarily with the emphatic way in which she engaged with the hypothesis. Murmuring apologies and soothing reassurances to the disgruntled little frown at her breast she relaxed her body language and remembered she was no longer perched atop a table in the squad room.

"He rapes her to show her that he's not gonna be hauled over a barrel by some naive little girl..." raising his eyebrows and finishing the story as he believed it to have played out Elliot added sadly, "... and threw her off that balcony to get rid of the baby."

"He was relying on her being too terrified of her own part in it and of what he was clearly capable to talk to the police..." meeting his eyes Olivia proffered, "... but I guess Carrie doesn't scare so easy. He underestimated how tough she really is."

"It's easily done." Said Elliot with an enigmatic look on his face that caused Olivia to suspect they were no longer simply working a case theory. "Hell hath no fury..." he began, before changing the ending poignantly, "... like a woman defending her child."

"El..."

"I know." He replied, meeting her eyes sadly and reaching out a hand. Laying it upturned on the couch between them he waited, breath baited, for her reaction.

"It was nine months of..." swallowing the intensity of remembered pain Olivia managed, "... agony."

"I wish I'd known." He murmured, as she slid one hand out from under Eve and lay her palm flat over his.

"I wish I'd told you." She replied, as their fingers instinctively interlaced and two hands held each other fast.

"I..."

"He wasn't there. It was just me and her."

"When she was born?" he didn't need to ask, he could see it in her eyes.

"I remember hearing voices saying I was losing too much blood and realising that I didn't care. I was praying to a God I wasn't even sure I believed in and bargaining that he could take me..." whispering huskily she smiled through tears at Eve and added, "... but he couldn't have her."

"My _God_..."

"Yeah, yeah _your_ God Elliot!" she laughed with a breathless awe. "Because it sure as hell wasn't mine that saved her."

"I..."

"You were there, El. You might not have known it and it might not have been the way either one of us would've wanted it but you were there. I don't know much but one thing I know for sure is that I have absolutely no pull whatsoever with any higher power..." as he brought her hand to his lips and kissed it tenderly she murmured, "...it was _your_ blind faith I was counting on for our daughter."

"I can't even..."

"There were all these doctors talking and the lights were so bright and it was all just so loud and it felt like everyone in the whole damn hospital was in there with me but the one person I needed to be wasn't. I lay there like a beached whale too high on painkillers to cry or speak but inside I was screaming. I had no one to blame but myself, it was all my fault and..." turning away from as her face crumbled to tears at the memory Olivia whispered, "... and I wanted you so badly."

"Oh Liv..." he mumbled gruffly, sliding along the sofa and draping his arm around her, "... you stupid, stubborn, beautiful, brave..."

"I needed you desperately..." she hiccupped, still turned away from him as she sobbed, "... but it was too late!"

"It wasn't..." he corrected, reaching out a hand and laying his fingers under her chin so that he might turn her head to face him and her eyes to his, "... it isn't."

"El..." she whimpered, never having felt more vulnerable than in that moment. Her chest exposed as she fed their child and her heart exposed as he stared so deep into her eyes she knew he could see what was written there.

"Liv..." and as he kissed away the salty tears on her trembling lips it was as it had ever been. Impossibly complicated, painfully difficult, forbidden, clandestine, but inevitably: undeniable.

There were no words either one of them could say to explain it, other than to whisper each others' names between kisses.

He was. She was. They were.


	21. Resistance Is Futile

"I've just never known you to half-ass a case is all I'm saying."

"And all I'm saying, due respect, Alex, is where the hell you get off suggesting that's what I'm doing here?" reacted Elliot, defensive at the accusation.

"You think there's more to it than what I'm about to go in there and present to the jury..." pushed Alex, staring him square in the eye through dark rimmed glasses and remaining unflinching in her suggestion, "... if that isn't half-assing it then I don't know what is Detective Stabler."

"So what if I _did_ tell you that I think Carrie set Nathan George up?" suggested Elliot, the weariness he felt at merely allowing the notion to resurface proving her case in point.

"I'd tell you to prove it."

"I can't."

"Can't or won't?" once Alexandra Cabot was spoiling for a fight there was little point in attempting to stem the inevitable dam burst. She wanted answers and Elliot was in no mood. "Is it really an impossibility or do you just plain not want to?"

"Are you questioning my professional integrity ADA Cabot?" asked Elliot, now as irritated as he was exhausted by her tone.

"If what you're suggesting is true then Carrie Eldridge is a shrewd, self-assured, calculating young woman who lured Nathan George to her hotel room so she could blackmail money from him and run away with her boyfriend on his dime."

"She was pregnant and scared out her mind! She was just trying to do the right thing by her kid, she didn't mean to hurt anyone!"

"Who didn't?"

"I..."

"What is this really about, detective?" asked Alex, the corners of her mouth twitching to a tight but reluctantly smile of acknowledgement. "Or rather should I say _who_ is this really about?"

"Alex..."

"Because I'm not so sure that you haven't lost your due north on this one, Elliot. I didn't work this case last time around but from what I hear there were more than a few parallels to be drawn between Carrie and a certain..."

"You're wrong."

"Tell me you don't look at Carrie and see a lost, frightened little girl whose mother failed her in every way possible and who has no family or support system. The whole world let her down more times than most people could bear and yet somehow she survives it. Tell me honestly that you're not going easy on Carrie because when you look at her you see..." failing to finish that particular sentence but not missing a beat in mind or in her delivery Alex added, "... and you can protect her the way you couldn't protect..."

"This isn't about Benson."

"Who are you trying to convince, Elliot?" she asked with a expressive shrug and knowing sigh. "Because the way I see it, with you it is _always_ about Benson."

"Where are you going?" he asked, as she pivoted on her heel and headed out down the court room corridor.

"To do my job Stabler..." turning back Alex shot him a withering look and delivered a weighty blow, "... you might consider doing the same."

"That isn't fair, Alex."

"Isn't it?" closing the gap between them once more so that he might speak freely without prying ears Elliot answered.

"It doesn't matter whether she's a criminal mastermind or a scared kid. It doesn't matter whether Carrie invited George to that hotel room or why. Rape is rape. He's the only one in the frame for both the sexual assault and the reason she fell three stories onto concrete and lost her baby."

"You're right."

"Yeah?" he asked, surprised to have seemingly turned her and won so easily.

"I was out of line to question your motives the way I did before. I had no right to doubt your judgement I just..." closing her eyes and then opening them with a composing sigh Alex smiled steadily, "... well, just accept my apology?"

"Consider it accepted."

"I'll see you in there..."

"Hey Alex?" he called after her, knowing full well that despite her being the one to apologise he was proving her right by simply asking the question that followed. "Did you know?"

"Did I know what?" though she was fairly sure she didn't need clarification as to his meaning, it was a lawyer's instinct to evade initially and buy herself more time.

"Did she tell you?" he swallowed uneasily. "Did you know the baby was mine?"

"No, no I did not." She answered clinically, and with technical honesty.

"Okay, okay sorry I just..."

"At least not really..." she seesawed, her eyes filling with sympathy as she softened, "... but now looking back I wonder if some small part of me..." shrugging almost with regret Alex finished, "... sometimes I wonder if deep down I suspected, you know?"

"Yeah..." nodded Elliot sadly, "... I know."

* * *

><p><em>"So we're saying that from Ming Chi and her friends leaving the bar at 3am to the bread delivery guy finding her in the alley at 6am we have no clue what happened?"<em>

_"Except that we know that either she barely made it two blocks in three hours..." offered Rollins, tapping her pen against the desk she was sat on as she processed her thoughts and delivered them to the group, "... or we can assume the attack happened right after she left the bar."_

_"To assume..." smiled Munch wryly, "... always an encouraging verb in a police investigation."_

_"Oh can it Munch..." came the smiling reply from Benson as she stood in front of their glass evidence board, her swollen baby belly no longer concealed by loose blouses and strategically cut jackets, "... unless you've got a better theory to bring to the table?"_

_"What we do know is that these girls weren't in that club to hang out with their girl friends and discuss the latest episode of Top Model. They were working that night and under some fairly terrifying duress. If this was just the prostitution ring we'd have our work cut out but there's a hell of a lot more going on with the guys pimping them out."_

_"Good news..." announced Cragen as he emerged from his office grave faced, his tone dripping with sarcasm, "... that was the Feds. They're circling and they want in. If we don't crack this soon it's gonna be out of our hands."_

_"Crack being the operative word." Offered Munch, who had been in one of those moods ever since his local bakery had failed to provide his morning bagel order._

_"John has a point..." sighed Rollins reluctantly, "... maybe we've gotten a little off key because we're so desperate to help Ming Chi. Maybe if we wanna help all the girls we need to look at the bigger picture here."_

_"I've got Fin on the phone to his old buddies in narcotics and see if we can't put a rush on the drugs element in this." Said Cragen, his mind clearly still ticking over their options and strategising, even as he gave direction to his team. _

_"We don't need their help..." said Olivia, almost a little too quickly, "... we've got evidence of money changing hands, we've got names and witnesses, we've got the drug element in the bag if we just raid their den and prove..."_

_"You think you can work this case better than trained, experienced experts, detective?" challenged Cragen, not unaware of the way Benson's hands had gravitated unconsciously to her waist the moment there had been mention of involving the detectives in narcotics. _

_"No I just..."_

_"If this goes federal then it'll be out of NYPD's hands entirely. SVU and Narcotics. I don't want that to happen. If you say we've got enough evidence: do the raid."_

_"Captain..." cautioned Munch, wisdom of experience nervous that they were jumping the gun. _

_"We just ran out of time, people. Raid that den and get Ming Chi and those girls the hell out of there before we've got another pair of eyes pleading at us up on that board..." gesturing to the string of Asian faces pinned up behind Benson's right shoulder Cragen sighed, "... but we play this by the book. We're looking for drugs. This is narcotics bust and anything else we stumble on when we get in there is purely concicidental."_

_"You think the DA will buy it?" asked Amaro. _

_"He will the way I intend to sell it to him." Assured Cragen. _

_"Great, great then what are we waiting for then? If we head down there can you put a rush on the warrant, Captain?" asked Olivia, moving to her desk and grabbing her jacket and cell phone._

_"No, no _you_ can." Replied Cragen steadily. "Amaro, Rollins, get to Chinatown and I'll have Fin meet you there..." his hands in his pockets Cragen lifted his forehead, with a don't even bother arguing with me expression etched in fine lines across it, "... and Benson you head over and clear this all with ADA Cabot."_

_"But..."_

_"Reduced duties, detective."_

_"I know that..."_

_"Say 'but' to me one more time Benson and you'll be pushing paper till the day you go off on maternity leave. Now get your ass over to see Cabot..." narrowing his eyes warningly Cragen stated, "... that's an order, detective."_

_"Hey Captain, we've got something!" announced Fin, bursting into the squad room brandishing a phone in one hand a sheet of paper scribbles in the other. "Horowitz and Stabler have connected our guys to drug cartel in Beijing. There's a container coming in this afternoon."_

_"They're gonna be there to meet it?" asked Cragen, as Fin nodded to the affirmative. "Then so are we. Find out when and where and tell them we're gonna be joining them. Let's see what, or more interestingly _who_ else they're bringing in with that shipment."_

_"Stabler and Horowitz are sitting on it from around 3 this afternoon."_

_"Then so are you two..." instructed Cragen, gesturing between Benson and Tutuola, "... you can pick Benson up from Cabot's office when she's done clearing this warrant and head down there together."_

_"You sure about that, Captain?" asked Fin, unsubtle in the way he looked first to Benson's stomach and then her face. _

_"You can handle a stakeout and a container search with narcotics can't you Detective Benson?" smiled the Captain, heartened by what felt like a noble gesture of compromise after their earlier spat with regards the grey areas of restricted duties. _

_"I... ermm... well actually you know Captain you might be right..." eyes flickering between Cragen and Fin, Olivia brushed a fringe of hair from her eyes with one hand and encircled her stomach with her free arm, "... it's probably best I sit this one out."_

_"But it's only..."_

_"I'll get right on that warrant, Cap." Closing down the discussion and caring little for the knowing look Fin was gifting her Olivia made a hurried bid for the door. _

"Did you know?"

"No."

"Liar." Replied David Hayden, his lazy smile cast jadedly across the office at Alexandra Cabot who had been lost in recollections of her awareness of Olivia Benson's pregnancy the entire time he had been regaling her of his latest courtroom battle. So many times she had seen Olivia during those months, and so many times she had held back questions she knew would have provided answers she didn't want to hear.

"I swear to you, David. She didn't tell me until I had coffee with her the other day."

"You've seen her?" he asked quickly, sitting suddenly forward in his chair and bracing his elbows attentively on his knees.

"I'm sorry."

"How was she? How is she? How's Eve?"

"Fine!" she replied, with tellingly uncharacteristic vim. "They were both just fine. Eve is the brightest, cutest little thing I've ever..." then, flushing slightly Alex mumbled, "... gosh, I'm sorry. I guess you know that already."

"Alex stop apologising, none of this is your fault!"

"I knew." She replied suddenly, realising that though it were indeed not her fault in any way she felt culpable. As if somehow she had, unconsciously or otherwise, conspired to conceal the truth.

"But you just said..."

"I didn't _know_ but maybe that's because I didn't want to. I know Olivia too well to not have, on some level, sensed something was off. The way she found any excuse not to work a case with narcotics. How little she talked about her pregnancy to anyone close enough to read between the lines. She'd waited her whole life for this but somehow she seemed distracted. It all seemed to be falling into place. A great guy, a baby, it was everything you could ever want for."

"Not everything..." said David sadly, his eyes failing to hide the truth depth of his sorrow, "... and not Olivia."

"David I know there isn't anything I can say to make this easier for you but you have to know, you have to believe that they never had what the two of you had. Don't think for a minute that they were good for her. Don't let anyone tell you that they didn't put each other through hell every minute, every second that they were partners."

"I'm not naive, Alex..."

"She was truly, truly happy with you and I know without a doubt that she wanted it to work out."

"Maybe she did want it to work but was it ever for the right reasons? It was the perfect picture postcard life. It was the life she never thought she could have. She's a smart woman with a quick wit and beautiful by any measure. She could've had any guy in the city if she'd only asked. Did she ever really want me or was it just convenient?" and then, the bitter, brutal but cuttingly honest reality of his situation came as David stated regretfully, "I deserve more than being the guy she _wants_ to want."

"Oh David..."

"He might put her through hell but she comes alive around him..." he sighed, closing his eyes and realising defeat, "... and so long as he's in her life no other man stands a chance."

* * *

><p>"I can't."<p>

"I have the entire day off and the weather is awesome..." arching his eyebrows temptingly Elliot pushed, "... how often does that happen at this time of year?"

"I have a bunch of stuff to do..." maintaining her position as she hung off her apartment door, shifting weight between bare feet Olivia added, "... it's your day with Evie. Enjoy it."

"Tell me you don't need to just blow life off for a few hours and get out of this apartment?" he challenged, knowing that far off look in her eyes all too well.

"I'm saying no, El."

"Oh _come on_, Liv..." switching Eve from one arm to the other Elliot protested, "... you love Coney Island!"

"Where does Kathy think you are today, Elliot?" asked Olivia, shooting an arrow straight to the heart of his childish excitement and causing his bubble to fall, burst with reality, to the ground between them.

"Out of town visiting a friend." He replied with a calm, steady defiance and refusal to engage.

"See you tonight..." she sighed, leaning forward and brushing a parting kiss against Eve's forehead, "... be good for Daddy, baby girl."

"Don't tell me you're not tempted..." kicking his foot out and sticking a toe between the door and it's frame to delay goodbye Elliot flashed an impish smile, "... you know Evie is gonna go mad for all the rides and colours, all that sugar and ocean air?"

"Eve only just figured out she has toes..." replied Olivia with an acerbic wearying of patience, "... do you really think she's gonna care about the bumper cars?"

"Fine, fine okay if you're gonna be like that..." surrendered Elliot, visibly deflated and no longer caring to encourage the torrents of rain falling on his parade.

"Oh and Elliot?"

"Yeah?" he asked, turning back from halfway down the corridor.

"Evie and sugar and ocean air?" she scoffed bitterly. "Don't you _dare_ use her to play me like that."

"I just wanted you there with us, that's all..." he shrugged sadly, hurt that she mistook his light-hearted attempts to coax her as something more sinister, "... there was no game being played."

"Elliot..." she murmured with a heavy sigh, when she knew with confidence he was out of earshot and safely in the elevator, "... ugh why can't I just..."

"Lift your arm up, Mouse. That's it. A little more? Gosh you're a big strong girl aren't you, and look at those chubby little guns..." holding two podgy hands in his fingertips Elliot moved Eve's arms back and forth as she giggled, "... you're a regular little bruiser in the making Evie Grace, check out that left hook!"

"Elliot?"

"Olivia?" he asked, ducking back out of his backseat and turning to meet her as she dashed out of her apartment building.

"You forgot her spare pacifier."

"She needs a spare?" he asked, unable to read between the lines of her reappearance at first. "I mean, right, sure, she _does_ need a spare." He added quickly, on seeing she had applied lipgloss and pinned her hair up in a clip.

"Right, ermmm, well, I guess..." she stalled, shifting her weight between feet as her eyes darted uneasily between his smiling gaze and Eve waving from the backseat.

"So I can't help but notice..." he began slowly, his face open and encouraging of her trust in a time of obvious vulnerability, "... well, you've got your jacket and purse there."

"You haven't won. That isn't what this is."

"What _is_ it?" he grinned, as his jaw refused to remain unreflective of the delight he felt both at seeing her stubborn pride surrender and the excitement of realising she was coming with them after all.

"I just thought better of trusting a big kid to take my daughter to Coney Island unsupervised is all..."

"Well okay then..." beamed Elliot, unable to resist teasing further, "... am I driving?"

"The hell you are." Replied Olivia, seizing the car keys dangled from his hand and heading around to the driver's door.


	22. The Painful Dream Of You And Me

"I'm fairly sure that kid isn't planning on paying for that Twinkie he just pocketed."

"You want us to hold your strawberry swirl while you collar him?" quipped Elliot with an amused smirk. "You have the right to remain silent, buddy. Now hand over that Twinkie."

"Are you done?" asked Olivia with a badly hidden smile behind her snarl.

"Oh come on, Liv..." he chuckled, holding out his ice cream cone to Eve whose little pink tongue poked at it gingerly for a moment before tasting the sugar and eagerly going back for more, "... that was some of my best Candy Cops material I was using there."

"You're hilarious..." she groaned, her forehead creasing into a disapproving frown as she instructed, "... and will you stop feeding her that!"

"She loves it!"

"That isn't the point!"

"Trust me..." he entreated lightly, not realising the gravity of the request until the words had left his mouth, "... a few licks of sugar won't do her any harm."

"I don't want her having ice cream."

"Liv..."

"Don't 'Liv' me like I don't know what's best for my own kid, Elliot!" she prickled defensively, the weight of his parenting years threatening her maternal pride

"She's my kid too..." he said, simply, opening up a whole can of worms she chose not to tackle while stood on a very public pier, "... you can't pull rank every time. You can't start this 'my baby' crap every time we disagree, because trust me there are gonna be a million more ice creams and it isn't fair. I need a voice."

"It really won't make her sick?" surprising him, as she so very often, did Olivia squinted against the sun and genuinely waited for his answer.

"Does she look sick?" he asked in answer, taking his eyes from Olivia's and throwing them at Eve who bounced her diaper eagerly on his arm and waved her hands in the thin sea air.

"No, no she..." trailing off, captivated by her daughter's wide eyed glee at having her father's undivided attention Olivia felt the words catch in her throat, "... she does not look sick."

"Okay, no, no that's it Mouse no more caramel for you..." declared Elliot, pinning Eve to his chest on one side and prising the ice cream cone from her sticky, chubby little mitts, "... your mom is right, it's not good for little tummies to have too much of that sugary goodness."

"Great, great now I am _literally_ taking candy from a baby..." groaned Olivia, as Eve became fractiously indignant at being denied more, "... she's looking at me like I just drowned her cat."

"And it won't be the first time. She will pull those baby blues on you every _single_ time she doesn't get her own way. Don't be fooled. Don't give in to the cuteness. It's just a power play..." handing Olivia his cone and freeing up two hands to throw Eve lightly into the air, instantly causing her to forget her protest, Elliot smiled knowingly, "... isn't it baby girl?"

"I guess I have a lot to learn..." acknowledged Olivia, realising for the first time that whether she liked it or not she was a parenting rookie and Elliot was a battle scared veteran.

"Not really, it's mostly just gut instinct..." replied Elliot without pausing to consider his response and reassuring her with the fact, "... and yours was always dead on with kids."

"Yeah, when they weren't mine!" came the self deprecating laugh as Olivia took licks from both their ice creams in a bid to prevent sugary cream sliding down her hands.

"Liv you were born to be her mom..." was the simple, beautiful, deeply moving statement that stunned her into silence without him even realising it, "... stop beating yourself up."

"El..." she murmured, her insides aflutter with thousands of beating butterfly wings.

"And stop eating all the sprinkles off that thing..." he protested, slinging Eve casually back into the nook of one arm and stealing his cone back from Olivia, "... they're the best bit."

"It's so good."

"You have your own."

"I know but..."

"You want to swap don't you?" rolling his eyes and shaking his head with fond forbearance Elliot sighed. "Fine, fine we'll have strawberry instead then won't we Mouse?"

"You know I swear there weren't as many people here last time we came..." she observed, tucking into his ice cream as they began to stroll down the promenade one more, "... and it seemed smaller."

"When did we last come here?" he asked curiously, swiping a lick of strawberry swirl and pondering the notion. "Wait, you mean when we were after that guy selling kiddie porn from his snow cone stand?"

"Yeah."

"Liv it was the middle of winter! There was snow on the ground and we were hunting a child r-a-p-i-s-t..." he snorted with amusement, "... you're not really comparing apples with apples."

"I guess not but it's a good job, imagine trying to pick your perp out of this kind of crowd. Come to think of it who knows how many p-a-e-d..." pulling a face at the spelling bee challenge Olivia changed tactic in order to continue her line of thought and finished, "... bad men are hiding out here. It's a regular little funfair in more ways than one."

"Wow, woah, okay we're gonna need to shoot some hoops and see if we can't win Evie an unnervingly large pink elephant..." tossing out the unwanted ends of their cones Elliot kissed Eve's nose and added in a flurry, "... because we're not really getting into the spirit of this day, are we?"

"I'm just saying that..." began Olivia, as Elliot reached out and pressed his index finger against her lips and held them silent.

"You're not on the job detective, and we don't want mommy mentally bustin' perps..." he gently reminded her, feeling her mouth draw to a smile beneath his fingers signalling she was not unreceptive, "... but we _do _want to know how many balls she can net, don't we Mouse?"

"More than daddy can..." replied Olivia, poker faced save the impish twinkle in her dark eyes, "... she bets."

"Oh is that right..." replied Elliot slowly, as they approached the stall and he handed the attendant their fee, "... loser buys dinner?"

"Loser buys dinner _and_ feeds Evie so the winner gets to eat their food while it's still hot..." seeing his bet she upped the stakes in terms only a parent would understand the value of, "... you in?"

"Would love to but unfortunately I'm not equipped with the necessary..."

"Two bottles in the diaper bag."

"I thought you hated formula."

"It's not formula."

"I thought you hated..."

"Ask Fin."

"I don't think that's a conversation Detective Tutuola and I need to have but..." grinning broadly Elliot held out his hand, "... let's shoot some hoops."

* * *

><p>"I don't want to put you in this position, Fin."<p>

"So don't, Captain."

"I don't want to have to ask you but..."

"Then I repeat..." said Fin, holding his arms in a emotionally hostile fold across his chest as his boss probed unsubtly, "... don't."

"Only I can't run this squad like a high school home room. I can't put lives at stake by letting my detectives spend more time chasing personal drama than perps. You can cut the tension with a knife and every one of you is _way_ too up in their heads to do the job I need you to do."

"That isn't fair."

"Isn't it?" challenged Cragen, years of experience causing a weary shake of his head as he ventured a kind smile. "I'm not an idiot, detective."

"No?" not entirely sure where his superior was going but knowing Donald Cragen was wicked smart, and an expert tactician Fin was giving nothing away.

"You forget that I knew Olivia Benson a long time before she won your heart..." and it needn't be acknowledged by either one of them, but simply accepted as truth, that she had always had Cragen's.

"You working your way up to a point, Captain?" flashing a deflective smile Fin shrugged off the discomfort he felt at how close Cragen was skating to piecing together puzzle pieces.

"I know you'd walk over hot coals to protect her and don't think for a minute that I wouldn't either..." continued Cragen with a steady, composed calm, "... and that goes for that baby too."

"Sure."

"That that bright, laughing, adorable baby girl..." lifting his eyes to Fin's so that he might watch for any flicker of reaction in them Cragen added, "... who has Elliot Stabler's eyes."

"I don't..."

"I see the way you look at Elliot like he knocked up your kid sister. I watch Munch watching you and knowing even if he doesn't realise he knows. Rollins and Amaro are oblivious but of course they are..." shrugging with a wry, sardonic smile Cragen sighed, "... they didn't live through the Benson and Stabler years, did they?"

"You're cracked. You sound like one of those cheesy voiceovers on one of those dumb TV shows, Captain. Don't sweat it. There's no problem here. We're all good."

"If I'm _cracked _it's because my detectives made me that way. I'm just trying to divert a train wreck waiting to happen. What goes on when you all go home to your sad, pathetic home lives is none of my business..." confident enough in his suspicions to press on undeterred Cragen narrowed his eyes in challenge of Fin's defiance, "... but inbreeding in my squad room absolutely is."

"Inbreeding?" scoffed Fin, a little stunned by Cragen's unusually blunt turn of phrase and poor taste. "Are you for real?"

"I didn't have to worry about her with Hayden. He was grounded, consistent, dependable and I could rely on him to look after her."

"You think Liv needs looking after? Due respect, Captain, have you met Benson?" chuckled Fin, deliberately missing the point. "She's a grown woman more than capable of taking care of herself and making her own decisions."

"Yeah, yeah and they're usually really _bad_ ones when she's around Stabler. Don't jerk me around Fin, we're on the same side here. I came within a hairsbreadth of splitting those two as partners years ago because I couldn't trust them to maintain rational judgement."

"Captain..."

"Hayden couldn't hurt her because she could keep her head around him..." never a truer word spoken, it was in that moment that Fin knew there was no judgement, only profoundly loving concern on Cragen's part, "... she doesn't have that luxury around Elliot. It isn't her head she thinks with."

"There ain't no one on the planet who cares more about Olivia than El, Cap."

"I don't doubt that."

"So..."

"He's not hers, Fin. I watched them for twelve years on the job and I've never seen two people so close. It was a pain in my ass but I'm not dead inside and I'm not blind either. I saw what everyone else saw. My point is that even after all that and whatever may or may not have happened since then he is _not hers_ and he's cruel to pretend he can be."

"What you saying, Captain?"

"I'm saying that I don't know the details of this and I don't want to. This isn't about me forcing your hand, Fin. She trusts you and I respect that. I'm glad of it. I'm just saying that until Elliot is out of Kathy Stabler's house with the ring off Liv is hell bound for heartache..." meeting Fin's eyes trustingly Cragen cautioned, "... only this time she's taking Eve with her."

* * *

><p>"I swear to God if I even so much as look at another item of food..." groaned Olivia, relieved to be sedentary for the first time in hours as she and Elliot sat on bench under the Wonder Wheel, "... you have my permission to stage an intervention."<p>

"Yeah, yeah we gotta admit for someone a little slow to get into the spirit of things..." smirked Elliot amusedly, "... you sure made up for lost time."

"I'm at least 90% sugar right now..." eyes closed and head tilted back toward the slowly setting sun Olivia's olive skin glowed, and Elliot adored her with his eyes and heart as she quipped, "... my milk is gonna get her high."

"Your milk has made her the happiest, chubbiest little thing I've ever seen. Check out these podgy little arms and legs, and that _face_..." reaching up and pinching Eve's cheek ever so lightly between his thumb and index finger Elliot cooed, "... man this little face is gonna break hearts some day."

"Those baby blues are more like..." he hadn't thought Olivia was even listening to his mindless babbling, and it only made her words even more moving as she turned her head and stared at him evocatively, "... she's got her Daddy's eyes."

"She's not inherited the Stabler jaw though thankfully, no, no she's got your cheek bones..." drifting slightly, into a parallel but transcendent somewhere else Elliot's voice became a silken, gravely husk as he moved his fingers from Eve's cheek to Olivia's, "... your skin..." as his fingertips grazed her jaw he moved his thumb to her lips, tracing along the cupid's bow of one before brushing her bottom lip as he whispered, "... your mouth."

"Elliot we had a baby..." she swallowed slowly, her eyes lost in his, "... I had _your_ baby."

"You had my baby..." he echoed as, for the first time, all the confusion and complication melted away and they were left with the sheer beauty and emotional enormity that they had together they had created a life, "... you had my baby, Liv..." sliding his hand to the nape of her neck Elliot drew her lips to his and kissed them deeply.

Inclining his body toward her he moved his hand to the her waist, coiling his arm around her and dragging her close into him as though he couldn't bear even air between them in that moment. Wriggling her arms free she draped them around his neck, stroking at the back of his head lightly with her fingertips as the whole world faded away around them. This was no fairytale, this wasn't even close. He was married, they weren't together, and there were only three other people besides them who even knew the child contentedly nestled between them was a product of the same insatiable attraction and magnetic connection that fuelled their present sunset passion.

"God, no, this is..." pulling away and bringing trembling fingers to lips swollen with the intensity of his kisses Olivia breathe, "... this isn't _real_ Elliot!"

"It feels pretty damn real to me."

"Won't Kathy be wondering where you are?"

"I'm out of town, remember?"

"All weekend?" she heard herself ask, falling so easily back into her all too familiar role.

"Liv I know what we said, I know what was said and we weren't ever going to go there again but..."

"We already went." She shrugged, hopelessly, helplessly, recklessly, powerless to resist that which had always and would always exist between them.

"I was an ass..." he half whispered half growled, reaching a hand to her thigh and stroking it unconsciously, "... and then I walked away."

"I let you and then I lied..." she replied, at a murmuring choke as she twisted at his watch strap with one hand and stroked the other down the bridge of Eve's nose as she batted her eyes from one parent to the other, as though watching a tennis ball hit back and forth, "... to punish you."

"Can I take you home?" they were five words audible only to her as he spoke them into her mouth before biting lightly on her lip and kissing her hungrily.

"Yes." Came the simple, breathless response as Elliot rose from the bench with Eve on his chest and extended a hand to Olivia. Laying her palm onto his their fingers instinctively interlaced and they walked hand in hand toward the car.


	23. When You're Too In Love To Let It Go

"El she'll turn into a little prune..." cautioned Olivia, wandering into her bathroom with a clean towel to find Elliot still leaning over the bath holding Eve as she waved her hands wildly in the water, "... you two have been in here forever!"

"We're having fun, aren't we Mouse?" he beamed, as tiny pink hands splashed so enthusiastically Eve caught herself in the eye with water and startled herself. Blinking thick black lashes rapidly with wide eyed surprise she pulled a comical little face and blew raspberries with her tongue to expel the unwanted water from her mouth.

"What the heck are you doing down there, baby girl?" laughed Olivia, her whole face lighting up as she smiled opened mouthed at their daughter. Falling to her knees beside the tub she leaned over the side and reached down a hand, dousing Eve's belly with water, "Are you getting yourself in the face with your own splashes? You silly, sweetheart!"

"Check out those thighs..." chuckled Elliot, prodding Eve's doughy little legs with fond amusement and his free hand, "... she's like a little marshmallow."

"She'll lose some of her chubbiness when she starts crawling..." replied Olivia with defensive confidence, before lolling slightly against Elliot as they knelt together beside the tub and arched a hesitant brow, "... she _will_ lose it, right? I mean right now it's adorable but..."

"Sure she will it's totally normal..." speaking as the voice of experience in their new kind of partnership Elliot unconsciously, instinctively, and as though it were the most natural thing in the world slid his arm around Olivia's waist and gave her a reassuring squeeze, "... don't worry about it."

"Oh my God..." breathed Olivia, constantly awestruck by her daughter and in that moment by the way Eve had managed to fit four of her toes into her mouth at one time, and was making good progress on the fifth, "... you're such a goofball Evie Grace."

"Are you allowed to call our daughter a goofball?" asked Elliot, reaching behind Olivia for the towel she had brought in and draped over the basin and tossing it at her head with faux disapproval. "You ready to catch?"

"Oh! Oh well _hey there_ baby girl!" cooed Olivia, gooey eyed as Elliot scooped Eve from the tub and landed her safely in her mother's waiting arms. Wrapping her up in the towel Olivia bent down and smothered her sweet, clean smelling hair in kisses, "You smell like..." furrowing her brow lightly Olivia puzzled, "... like a little mango?"

"What?" asked Elliot, borrowing the edge of the towel to dry his own hands and muscular forearms.

"Did you use my bubble bath for her?" asked Olivia, though the evidence was all over Eve. "You did hear me tell you there was baby stuff in the cupboard, right?"

"Probably, but your stuff said it was all organic and non-allergenic so I figured..." twisting his lips to a defence he knew she couldn't compete with Elliot added, "... besides, now she smells like you."

"And that's a good thing?" laughed Olivia with a light shake of her head as she carefully dried Eve off and began to diaper her up.

"Sure it is..." replied Elliot with disarming candour, idly allowing his hand to gravitate to the flash of skin exposed between the top of Olivia's jeans and the hem of her blouse as she leant forward to dress Eve, "... you smell good."

"Like mangos, evidently." She replied, neither unaware or nor uncomfortable with the warmth of his touch or the heat it evoked within her.

"Here..." he said softly, brushing aside her hands and taking Eve, "... let me."

"You got her?" asked Olivia, but seeing his wide hands wrapped tightly around Eve's tiny torso there was little room for doubt. He held her as though he never planned to let go.

"Course I have..." sighed Elliot with a confident, contented sigh as he bent down and kissed Eve's head, breathing deeply the sweet scent of her freshly washed dark hair, "... we're making up for lost time, aren't we my little Mouse?"

"You wanna do her last feed as well?" she asked, a little unsure as to whether she wanted to give up the closeness that feeding Eve at that time of the evening brought.

"I mean not if you..." her initial hesitance was immediately cast aside on seeing the eager anticipation in Elliot's hopeful expression.

"There's milk for her in the fridge..." replied Olivia with an warm smile, "... you can do bedtime tonight."

"Sure?" he tested, knowing just how much it went against every instinct Olivia had not only to let him into Eve's life but into the home and routine she had created for the two of them. Yet in her mind she owed him. For all the months she'd let him believe she was pregnant to another man, for the first moments of Eve's existence that he was unable to share, and for all the moments since then she had stolen from him by keeping their connection a secret.

"Yeah, yeah absolutely..." nodded Olivia, climbing to her feet and adding, "... it'll give me chance to take a decent soak in the tub myself while she's on your watch." Had he forgotten how precious a new mother's time was he might have thought more of the ease with which she made such a domestic decision. How comfortable she felt that she would simply allow him to take their child for a while so that she might take a bath in peace. It was do simple, so domestic, so easy, and yet none of this resounded with Elliot, and instead he simply carried Eve into the kitchen in search of a bottle feed and thought no more of it than he had all the times he had done the same with Maureen, Kathleen, Dickie, Elizabeth or Eli.

* * *

><p>"She died."<p>

"Dear God..." murmured Cragen grimly as he looked between Rollins, Munch and an ashen faced Amaro.

"Nick I don't even know what to..." began Rollins, her stomach rolling repeatedly as she stared at her colleague and realised at some point along the way he had become her friend. Having always prided herself in maintaining a distance, in keeping her personal and professional lives as separate as possible, she realised she had failed in that moment as Nick Amaro broke down and dropped his head into his hands at his desk.

"Take as much time as you need..." spoke the calm, steady voice of a Captain who was no stranger to devastation and had all too frequently found it at his door, "... that goes without saying."

"I was prepared for her not making it back. So many times I rehearsed in my head what I'd do if I ever got that call. How I'd break the news to the family. There are processes, protocol, things that need to be taken care of."

"Nick..." began Munch, desperate to be supportive but struggling to find words.

"I wasn't prepared for this."

"Nick _no one_ is prepared for this..." breathed Rollins, closing her eyes and holding them tightly shut before peeling them open and staring at him understandingly, "... you lost your wife."

"I got her home!" came the half laugh, half delirious yelp from Nick Amaro as his eyes widened and then fell desperately sad once more. "She was back in New York, right here at home. She made it back from Iraq and she was doing so good in Germany. When we left Landstuhl she was _fine_..." shrugging helplessly Amaro rubbed a trembling hand across his unshaven jaw line and exhaled shakily, "... only she wasn't fine."

"Do they know what..."

"Bleeding..." came the half choked reply as Nick looked up and met the pretty blonde's painfully pitiful stare, "... in her brain."

"On my _God_..." murmured Cragen, his whole body aching with the sudden triviality of everything else in that moment, "... how the hell does stuff like this happen? When did it become..."

"When you take someone for granted." Replied Nick simply, cuttingly, and with a brutal and bitter honesty that shook every one of them to the core.

"Nick this wasn't..." began Rollins, but he wasn't ready to hear it.

"When I got the call she was on transport to Germany wounded all I could think about was how I'd do anything if she could only be okay. Screw _everything_ else. All the fights, all the petty, stupid, jealous fights and all the times I was too pissed off and proud to tell her..." closing his eyes and confess that which was tearing him apart inside Amaro swallowed, "... to tell her that it's all meaningless. Nothing means anything without her."

"What can we do?" asked Cragen, simply.

"Make it three months ago again..." replied Amaro, even more so, "... so I can tell her _she_ is what matters. So I can tell her she's _all_ that matters."

"I'm so sorry..." murmured Rollins, never having heard such utter heartbreak.

She had spent her entire life searching for a relationship that made sense. Yet suddenly her rationalising of southern belle sorrow seemed so pathetically trivial in comparison. She had never known love, she realised, in a moment of personal sadness. She had never felt anything for anyone strong enough to provoke in her the utter brokenness she was witnessing in Nick Amaro in that moment. Silently, however, she vowed that if she ever did find that person. If she ever found herself so deeply in love she didn't know how to live without someone, she would give up anything and everything not to have to.

* * *

><p>"Liv? Hey Liv she's out like a light and I'm gonna head off now so you can..."<p>

"Sorry, did you call me?" asked Olivia, appearing at her bedroom door in a deep maroon bathrobe, wearing no makeup and a warm smile.

"I was just..." he gulped, his eyes dancing across her slightly exposed collarbone to the gentle curls of damp hair caught by bathwater and now clustered at the nape of her neck, "... gonna get going."

"You were?" the words emitted as a strained whisper as she brought a hand to her neck self consciously. Then, feeling his eyes on her and feeling suddenly terrifyingly exposed she cleared her throat slightly and added, "I mean, sure, of course, you should probably be getting back."

"Yeah, yeah, it's been great to spend time with..." feeling the blood rushed to his head, throbbing at his temples he found himself increasingly powerless to stem other stirrings as he stared indulgently at the dewy flush of her cheeks and the mirrored desire in her eyes, "... Evie."

"You didn't roll these up far enough..." noted Olivia, reaching out and touching the sleeve of Elliot's sweater still damp with bathwater from his splashing with Eve, "... they're soaked."

"It's fine..." he laughed gently with a cavalier smile that hid the bolts of electricity coursing through his veins as her fingertips pushed at the cuff of his sleeve and danced tickling circles on his wrist, "... they'll dry."

"So I guess you should go now..." staggering blindly into the unknown she pushed back his sleeve a little further, stroking at the Marine Corps tattoo etched into the soft skin of his forearm and swallowing, "... it's getting late."

"Yeah, yeah it is..." he agreed, as oblivious as he was indifferent to the time as his hands gravitated to her elbows and he drew her just a fraction closer toward him, gradually moving his palms to the small of her back, "... and I should go."

"Or you could, you know, I mean if you wanted to that is..." she fumbled, a little breathless with the anticipation of their bodies now edging painfully close to one another and an awareness that there was only fine purple silk between her skin and him.

"What?" he asked gruffly, lifting a hand to her neck and holding his hand in a light fist he grazed her jawbone with his knuckles. "I could what?"

"You could..." swallowing slowly, her heart pounding as he ran the back of his hand across her collarbone, down her chest, grazing her breast through the thin satin of her robe.

"Liv..." he pushed with a gentle urgency, not able to truly allow the burning desire rising in him until he knew without doubt that she wanted him too, "... Olivia?"

"Stay..." she gasped, reaching her hands to his face and kissing him with the utter certainty that he was not only what she wanted, but what she needed, "... stay, Elliot, stay with me."

"You're sure? You're absolutely..." he tested, but it was merely lip service to a notion as his arms coiled possessively around her warm body.

"El?" demanding his eyes she waited for their blue gaze to settle mesmerized on her before twisting the corners of her mouth to a devilish little smile. "Stop with the questions, okay?"

"I just don't want you to do something you regret in the morning..." he rasped, but the way his hands adored her were reassurance enough that a greater part of him needed her just as badly, and was equally prepared to accept any consequences that came their way, "... you get that, right?"

"I won't regret you..." she vowed, knowing that of all the things she might curse herself for come dawn's breaking the way he was holding her in that moment would not be one of them, and the memory of his kisses would last her a lifetime, "... ever."

"Not ever..." he growled throatily, his lips on her neck as his arms encircling her waist tightly and hoisted her clear off the ground and carried her toward the bedroom, "... not ever, Liv."


	24. I'm Wide Awake It's Morning

_**No smut this time, sorry folks! I'm not a very good smut writer, though I have dabbled in the past and sometimes if I find the right muse I can get down and dirty ;) Wasn't feeling it for this particular moment in the story... but watch this space as we're a long way from done and anything can happen... xx**_

* * *

><p>"Don't..."<p>

"Liv, hey..." asked Elliot softly, reaching to Olivia's shoulder and rolling her back toward him with concern, "... what? What is it?"

"Nothing, nothing it's..." she deflected, falling onto her back once more and staring up at him as he lay over her, leaning against his elbow and gazing down with eyes that adored every breath she took, "... it's nothing."

"Talk to me..." he pushed lightly, brushing a flick of hair from her eyes before allowing his arm to fall across her body and his palm settle flush against her stomach.

"Stop it..." she protested, unable to hide the cause of her obvious discomfort as he unconsciously repeated his earlier action, "... get off me." Reaching for his hand she removed it from his belly and pushed it back against his bare chest.

"What?" he asked, knowing the last time they had lain together this way she hadn't flinched at his hands on any part of her, "Liv?" As she cast her eyes away from him he reached out and cupped his face in his hand, stroking her cheek with his fingertips and furrowing his brow on seeing the worry in her eyes, "Please?"

"I don't want you to touch me..." swallowing slowly, her chest rising and falling with shallow breath, "... there." It were as if as his fingertips neared her still healing scar they began to burn her skin, and she couldn't bear it.

"Okay, okay of course I..." hesitating slightly he brushed his thumb across her lips, frowning deeply as he wondered whether or not to go there or not, "... does it hurt?"

"No, I mean yeah, but that it isn't that..." shaking her head and rolling her eyes with dismissive deflection she appealed, "... look let's just drop it okay? Change the subject?"

"Sure, sure of course but..." pursing his lips with a frank shrug he added, "... just don't put thoughts in my head is all."

"What?" she asked, a little defensive, a little thrown and feeling suddenly painfully exposed.

"You say the word and I'm hands off, you know that. Just don't think there is any part of what you went through to have Evie that I would ever find anything but..." lowering his voice to a deep murmur Elliot exhaled, "... completely incredible."

"I probably won't ever get back physically to where I was before I had her..." and suddenly the truth of the matter found a chink in her armour, and she trusted him enough to confess to profound vulnerability, "... and there's no hiding how she made her entrance. They cut that kid clean out of me and that scar and those stitches are..."

"Give me your hand?" he asked, before on seeing hesitation in her face demanding. "Liv, give me your hand?"

"Fine, fine, here..." wriggling her arm free from under the sheets Olivia held her palm out to him with a reluctant sigh, then, turning it face down Elliot slid his fingers between hers and pushed it down toward her stomach, "... wait, what are you..."

"Shhh..." he murmured, bending down and kissing at her bare shoulder as she watched their clasped hands travel south across her tensed stomach to until his fingertips were, ever so lightly, stroking across the criss-crossed stitches of her c-section scar, "... trust me?"

"Okay..." she breathed, the words catching in her throat as his gentle touch healed wounds more than the physical marks left by Eve's birth. As he held their clasped palms flat against her lower abdomen he could feel her body tremble slightly, and looking to her face saw the glistening of silently falling tears escaping from rich brown eyes loaded with emotion.

"I love everything about you, Liv..." he spoke with such poignant, unsophisticated rawness it only resounded deeper with her and meeting his eyes she stared unblinkingly as he affirmed, "... even the parts you'd rather hide."

* * *

><p>"I was just reading how there are over 4.5 million CCTV cameras on the streets of Britain and it has people a little antsy..." tired eyes peering out from behind his glasses an increasingly salt and pepper haired John Munch mused with a far off smile, "... these guys should've lived under McCarthy. That'd be more than a storm in their teacups."<p>

"What are you still doing here, bro?" asked Fin, sloping across the squad room to retrieve his jacket and car keys.

"Cogitating on the fear of Big Brother watching the United Kingdom and all who sail in her..." turning his head slightly as his partner pulled up a chair and joined him at his desk Munch twisted his lips to a wry smile, "... oh, right, you meant besides that?"

"I always wanted to go to London when I was a kid. See those dudes in those big fuzzy black hats outside the Queen's place... "

"The Queen's Place?" chuckled Munch, never failing to be reassured and set at ease by his friend's easy company. "Is that what we're calling Buckingham Palace these days? You know for a nation evidently so hung up on security you'd think they'd set that poor old lady up with a little more muscle. The Obama's dog has a bigger detail."

"You considering a change of career there, bud?" grinned Fin, kicking one leg up onto his opposing knee and sinking down slightly in his chair. "Now how about you tell me what's really going on? You don't give a rat's ass about the British monarchy."

"I remember times when we all gave a rat's ass at this hour about things we forgot about in the morning."

"Huh." Responded Fin, waiting for more.

"You'd sit like that with that stupid grin on your face enjoying your bromance with Stabler. He'd toss a ball around and annoy the hell out of Liv, who'd sit up on that desk over there and shoot down all my best conspiracy theories. Every now and then Cragen would come in and pretend to care that we'd let two hours slide by without making a single gain on the case."

"We had it good there for a while... " sighed Fin, finding Munch's melancholy to be suddenly catching, "...we really did."

"I'm not naive. I know things change. Amaro and Rollins are good kids but..." it was one of the rare, fleeting moments in which Fin was reminded that John Munch was fundamentally lonely, "... it's not the same."

"John I gotta tell you something."

"No, no you don't." Replied Munch quickly, his eyes gravitating to Fin's troubled gaze with reassurance and understanding.

"It ain't right. It don't sit right with me that I can't..." pausing for a moment and chewing on his cheek Fin held a brooding silence.

"I get it."

"Yeah?" putting both feet back on the floor Fin leant forward, resting his elbows on his knees and searching John's face for absolute certainty and sincerity.

"You're a good man, Odafin Tutuola."

"Yeah well I'm not so sure..."

"You made her a promise. She took you into her trust. She knows what I know. That she couldn't find a kinder or more loyal friend."

"Cragen said something not a million miles off..." mumbled Fin, uncharacteristically self conscious in matters of such profound emotion, "... but it don't make it any easier. I don't keep things from you, John."

"I know you don't. It's funny you know, when we were talking just now about how it used to be. I don't suppose any of us could ever have imagined we'd end up here."

"Not even your messed up mind could've dreamt up this kind of crazy."

"We're the last men standing, Detective Tutuola."

"They're down but they're not out. Don't be so freakin' morbid."

"I'm tired, old friend."

"Shut up."

"I mean it."

"Look the sun's nearly up..." appeased Fin, increasingly troubled by the far off look of finality in his partner's eyes, "... what's say I shout you a fig milkshake and drive you home?"

"You don't get over losing someone the way Amaro has. Rollins is young, she's green but she's ambitious and perky and it's exhausting. She exhausts me. Liv finally has the baby she's always wanted and..."

"But she'll be back once Evie's a bit bigger."

"We can't have them both."

"Yeah, yeah no she can't bring her to work but..."

"I didn't mean the baby."

"Munch..."

"Those two have the kind of relationship I would've stayed in a marriage to save..." came a statement so weighty it shook the ground beneath Fin, "... but they can't ever _both_ be part of this squad again."

"I guess I didn't think about that." Swallowed Fin, sadness washing over him as the earthquake aftershocks began to hit.

"Benson had Stabler's baby..." stated Munch, and it was as if having the words said aloud in the squad room was the catalyst that heralded the dawn of a new age, "... and it has changed everything."

"Munch don't you dare finish that thought."

"It's tomorrow..." announced Munch, rising from his chair and gesturing to the slither's of sunlight breaking in through the blinds, "... and I might just take you up on that milkshake."

"John you're not seriously thinking about retiring..." anxious brown eyes searching the fine lines of Munch's face for answers Fin added urgently, "... are you?"

* * *

><p>"Oh baby, baby, baby girl, it's okay. I gotcha. Your momma's here. I'm here. Don't cry Evie baby, don't cry..." nuzzling kisses into Eve's cheek as she jostled her up and down soothingly Olivia paced the kitchen floor barefoot as dawn broke the next morning, "... it's okay, you're alright. You're safe, baby, you're safe and I'm right here."<p>

"I..." began Elliot, deliberately swallowing the word as he emerged bleary eyed from the bedroom having woken to find Olivia gone. Seeing her wandering around the kitchen in an old t-shirt, her hair all messed up and her face glowing with love for their daughter he held his silence, watching unnoticed with enchantment.

"Is momma mean making you wait while she makes herself a drink? Is she? Yeah well this is a two way deal we've got going here, kid. You wanna stop screaming so I can feed you? Do ya?" whispered Olivia softly, her bargaining so gentle it only came across as murmuring reassurance to Eve whose yelling abated to a merely disgruntled gurgling. "That's more like it. You'll only give yourself indigestion trying to holler through your milk. We learnt that the hard way..." chuckled Olivia with a wry smile at the memory as she settled herself down on the sofa with a steaming mug of coffee, "... didn't we you little drama queen?"

"Gah, ma..." though she couldn't interpret the words in their easy dialogue, it was clear to Elliot that the little girl staring wonderstruck up at her mother understood every syllable of Olivia's love. Landing five chubby fingers spread starfish wide on her mother's breast as she fed Eve pressed skin against skin possessively: Olivia was hers.

"Hey..." finally announcing his presence, a little nervous to interrupt the blissful maternal scene Elliot smiled across the room, his face catching the early morning sunlight, "... good morning, ladies."

"Did we wake you?" asked Olivia, as though it were the most natural thing in the world to have him present in the intimacy of their morning routine. Yet somehow still acutely aware that it wasn't at all.

"No, no I..." and then seeing on reason to lie he pressed his lips together and parted them with a light pop, "... well yeah, but it was worth it."

"There's fresh coffee in the pot..." she offered, patting Eve's diaper as the infant sensed her mother's sudden increase in heart rate and tensing of body language, "... help yourself."

"Liv I..."

"You know it's funny, when I was pregnant I couldn't _stand_ the smell of coffee. It made me so sick. I remember walking into the squad room every morning and dreading..." trailing off she felt too conscious of his eyes on her to continue, "... what?"

"Nothing, I just... " shrugging lightly he brought his arms across his chest, folding them and hugging himself as though to conceal from her whatever had been on his mind in that moment, "... nothing."

"I'm not an idiot, El..." she ventured with an accepting sigh, "... a fool, maybe, but..."

"And I'm an asshole."

"No argument there." Unable to resist she threw him a wry smile.

"How did I end up here doing this to you again?"

"Because I let you." she said plainly in reply. Suddenly they were as they had always been. Wanting each other, needing each other, powerless to resist each other and yet locked up and tied down by the awareness of what was and what could never be.

"Liv..."

"You don't have to do this. We don't have to do this. It is what it is. Yesterday was great, last night was..." allowing herself a sad, satiated sigh she met his eyes and shook her head steadily, "... but now it's morning and it is what it is."

"We are what we are."

"Like I said I'm not an idiot, just a fool..." it seemed futile and pointless to her in the stark light of day to be anything other than what she was, to feel anything less than what she felt and to say it anyway other than how it was, "... for you."

"You're not a fool, Liv, you're just you..." crossing the room as he spoke he sat down beside her, bending forward and resting his chin on her shoulder, kissing it and murmuring, "...and I lo..."

"Yeah, yeah, okay, let's not make a Greek tragedy out of this..." dismissed Olivia, turning her head and focusing her eyes intently on Eve, "... just go, okay?"

"Liv?"

"Don't."

"But..."

"Go."

"I walk out that door now..." he tested uneasily, "... you gonna let me back in?"

"I won't stop you seeing Evie so just call when..." unable to deny the question written all over his face she shook her head in anticipation of regret and groaned, "... yes, _yes_, I will let you back in." Closing her eyes and inhaling slowly she turned her head, opened them again and stared at him intently, "I will let you back in."

"Yeah?" he murmured, gravitating a little closer as she nodded slowly.

"I hate that I'm the other woman again, El. I hate that we're living a lie _again_. I hate what we're doing to Kathy and the kind of person it makes me. I hate that I'm letting you back in because even though I _hate_ all these things..." titling her head forward and pressing her forehead against his she whispered, "... I love you more."

"Liv I swear if you want me gone I..." trapped between a wrong and an even bigger wrong Elliot shrugged quietly, "... because everything is just the same as it was. This didn't get any easier."

"I know."

"I'm looking at our baby. You're holding this incredible, adorable little marshmallow of a kid who is half me and half you and if things were different..."

"I know."

"I love you."

"I know..." she smiled lovingly, rolling her eyes and planting a tender but dismissive goodbye kiss on his lightly parted lips, "... now go."

"I'll call."

"We'll answer."


	25. Bulletproof Weeks In Your Arms

_**I am of course grateful to ALL you guys who read and take time out to review/comment... but I just wanted to say a special thank you to Becs for such a lovely note on last chapter. I'm so glad you're enjoying the ride so far and I really appreciated your suggestion on a beta reader... I havethought about it lots but honestly I'm such a novice on I guess I just wasn't sure about the ins and outs even after looking up info. I will definitely try to proofread better... think I get a little carried away sometimes wanting to share with you guys asap haha!**_

_**As for those frustrated with both Elliot and Olivia at the moment - I hear ya! Rest assured that I'm not unaware that we know nothing of Elliot's home life at right now. I'm also not taking the easy way out letting neither one of them really fully think through what they're doing... it's just how I honestly imagine they'd be, so swept up in the raw emotions and rose tinted glasses of all that's happened and especially having Eve etc... **_

_**Fear not, we're a long way from done and hopefully all will unfold... ! xxx**_

* * *

><p>"Something you want to share with the group Detective Tutuola?"<p>

"My girl's wearing my cap, and looking like a little peach in it. S'all." Shrugged Fin in reply to Cragen's wearily tolerant question, grinning from ear to ear after receiving a picture message from Olivia of Eve wearing his gift.

"She's got a head the size of a cantaloupe and you've already got her ready for chillin' with her homies?" mocked Munch drily.

"You're too cute doting on her the way you do..." smiled Rollins breezily, leaning over behind Fin for a peek at the photo, "... and dang does that kid make my womb ache!"

"A little much there, Rollins?" winced Munch, taking the cell phone from Fin and reluctantly allowing the lines of his face to fall into an adoring smile. "No, no actually on reflection you're probably justified on this one."

"She's like Christmas and 4th July all rolled into one." Grinned Fin, gooey eyed as he contemplated calling Olivia and arranging coffee with her and Eve sometime soon.

"Is she wearing a Yankee onesie there?" asked Cragen with a high arch of his brow. "I might have to have words with Benson about that."

"Well don't leave a guy out..." ventured Elliot, attempting desperately to sound casually indifferent as he held out a hand for the cell phone, "... let's take a look?"

"She's got Liv's looks that's for sure..." smiled Rollins warmly, "... hell fire is she gonna need locking up when she hits her teens!"

"Wow, yeah, she's cute." Acknowledged Elliot, his heart aching to see Eve wearing the outfit he'd bought her. A twisting in his gut standing as a painful reminder of the web of lies he was weaving.

"Give me strength!" muttered Fin under his breath as he took back his phone and deliberately turned away from his friend for fear of saying something he shouldn't out of sheer frustration and withering despair.

"So I'm thinking that we hit up the bar where all this went down and see whether we can't find at least one other person to confirm Jackson's story?" offered Rollins, bringing them all back to the task in hand with a tap of her pen on the desk in front of her.

"Sounds good to me..." nodded Elliot distractedly, typing on his cell phone as he sent a subtle text. _"Nice onesie, Mouse. Wanna wear it to the game Friday night?"_

"Fin and I will go see Warner, check if she has anything yet." Said Munch, grabbing his badge and weapon.

"Didn't she call you just before, Stabler?" asked Cragen, as Elliot's phone buzzed with a reply. _"Yes."_

"Yeah, yeah she was pretty slammed over there but she said she'd try put a rush on it for us..." nodded Elliot, his fingers dancing across the keys the moment he'd finished his sentence. _"Does your mom want to come with us?"_

_"Shout her frickles and a beer and she's there."_

_"Worst game snack ever!"_

_"Frickle you."_

"Are you with us, detective?" asked Munch, poking Elliot's shoulder and bringing him back to reality. "You're in your own little world there, Stabler."

"That's for damn sure." Replied Fin bitingly.

"Help! Help me! Help me please!"

"Dear God!" cried Cragen, as a waif figure fell into the squad room and collapsed against Benson's vacated desk.

"Carrie?" breathed Elliot, tossing his cell phone aside and leaping from his chair.

* * *

><p>"I ain't seen a kid beaten that badly in a <em>long<em> time and that's saying something in our line of work."

"She's not a kid, Fin." Forcing himself to admit it more than anyone else Elliot sighed heavily. He had seen a little girl where a woman once stood and allowed Carrie to feed them so many red herrings they had been powerless to help her. She had tied their hands and he had let her.

"It just don't make no sense. It's like every word that came out of her mouth was a lie right from the start. I was so sure we had this one in the bag but it turns out..."

"We were absolutely nowhere the whole time." Offered Elliot, jadedly.

"How the hell did we get it so wrong, bro?" asked Fin, with equal frustrated disbelief.

"I just don't know how we didn't see this coming. I can't believe I couldn't see she was playing us. I just don't know how I..." expelling air from puffed cheeks Elliot rubbed his face wearily, "... it just doesn't get any easier, you know?"

"Sure..." shrugged Fin without resistance, "... but that's life, man."

"I'm just not sure how long I can keep doing this..."

"Jesus, don't you start!"

"Why? Who else is feeling it?" asked Elliot flippantly, nothing preparing him for Fin's white hot response.

"If you could unplug your head from your own ass long enough to take a look around you'd know that there's a growing list."

"Fin..."

"Forget it."

"No, no come on? If you've got something to say then..."

"Ain't none of my business..." backtracked Fin, rolling his shoulders and biting his tongue for Olivia's sake. "Oh, hey doc! What's up with Carrie? How's she doing?"

"Not good. We're looking at several broken ribs, cuts, contusions and severe rope burns consistent with prolonged restraint. She was undoubtedly held against her will and did her damndest to break free."

"And the rape kit?" asked Elliot, with dread.

"Positive for hair and semen..." and then with regret the doctor added with a poignant sigh, "... and he did a real number on her downstairs too."

"What sick kind of world puts a kid through this sh-t twice..." murmured Fin, both men in agreement that in that moment Carrie was no adult, "... what the hell, Elliot?" as the doctor left them alone they looked at one another speechless for a few moments.

"Nathan George has been sat behind bars on Rikers Island for the past week and a half..." said Elliot finally, breaking their silence, "... so either we got a second perp or..."

"Or we got the wrong guy last time." Said Fin, because there was no escaping the grim reality of their situation and there was no point in pretending otherwise.

"I'll call Cragen."

* * *

><p>"How are you?" asked Alex Cabot with a decisive opening statement as she wandered through Central Park beside Olivia Benson, who was pushing her daughter in her stroller.<p>

"I'm fine." Was not exactly the response she had hoped it would incite. Bringing her coffee cup to her lips she took a slow sip, rolling the hot liquid around her tongue and narrowing suspicious eyes at the deliberately faraway detective.

"Fine?" arching a sceptical brow Alex noted the casual way Olivia set her own drink cup down in the convenient holder atop the stroller's handlebar. If she didn't know better she'd think her every bit the conventional city mom.

"What? Did you want to know how sleep deprived and sick of diaper duty I am? I didn't think you of all people would want tales from the new mom diaries..." flashing a wry smile Olivia tutted, "... honestly I expected more from you Alex."

"The novelty wore off already, huh?" comfortable enough to tease the ADA chuckled amusedly.

"Yeah..." though holding her face poker straight Olivia's warm brown eyes were filled with palpable, unconditional love, "... yeah, I'm pretty much over her at this point."

"So other than being mom to the hands down cutest kid on the planet..." smiled Alex, turning to her friend with genuine concern adding, "... you're really doing okay?"

"Yeah, yeah like I said I'm fine."

"Your face says you're a little more than fine..." twisting her lips to an impish smile Alex breezed, "... I've seen that look before Detective Benson."

"Look?" asked Olivia maintaining innocence.

"It's the same one you had the night you disappeared with Detective Stabler after the NYPD ball last year..."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"But you do, don't you precious girl?" cooed Alex, leaning into Eve's stroller and ticking the child's tummy fondly. "You know exactly what I'm talking about. Its how you got here isn't it?"

"Don't patronise me Alex..." snapped Olivia hotly, pushing the stroller a little faster so as to break her friend's connection with Eve and adding, "... and don't use her to do it."

"Olivia I wasn't..."

"I know what you're thinking and maybe you're right, but it's not your place to judge. Don't think I'm naive about what I'm doing here..." lowering her voice to a reluctant mutter Olivia confessed, "... and I can't stand your condescending pity."

"That's not what this is Olivia and you should know it."

"I'm not going into this blind the way I did before, no matter what you or anyone else thinks. I have my eyes _wide open_ and I know just how stupid and foolish and nigh on masochistic it is, but it's my choice."

"And you are? Going into this again?" hesitating for a moment, knowing just how tightly bonded the layers of Olivia's onion heart were Alex held her lips pressed together and waited. "With Elliot?" she added finally, breath baited.

"She's gonna need feeding soon so we should..."

"Olivia?"

"I'm only feel like me when I'm with him..." were the simple, vulnerable, completely honest words that broke Alexandra Cabot's heart as Olivia stopped dead in her tracks in the middle of the park and confessed that which she had held inside for what felt like a lifetime.

"Wow."

"I'm not deluded, Alex."

"No one said you were."

"It isn't perfect, it isn't even close and we don't even exist to the rest of the world. It might well be the biggest lie I've ever lived but the truth is I've never felt more honest about anything in my whole life. I've been without him and it was unbearable. It was lonely and empty and I _know_ that what we're doing is wrong but I'd rather have him this way than not at all."

"I wish I could make this different for you."

"He's married, it's an affair and people _will_ get hurt by it. Hell I'll probably be one of them but..." with the dam broken suddenly it was cathartic to allow her most hidden truths to escape, and shrugging her shoulders Olivia spoke into Alex's empathetic eyes, "... but I'm in love with him."

"I know..." in that moment Alex realised that not only had she always known it to be true, but in a strange way she had simply been waiting for the two detectives to act on what was obvious to all around them.

"I thought I could walk away. He was gone and David was there and it was all so easy. Up until it wasn't, up until I was holding Evie in my arms and feeling things that I can't even begin to..." gasping lightly Olivia held her breath before exhaling with powerless acceptance, "... and so now I accept that it won't ever be over, even if I wanted it to be."

"And do you?" asked Alex, fearing she already knew the answer. "Want it to be?"

"No..." whispered Olivia, faint in voice but firm in desire, "... no, no I don't."

"Olivia..."

"I want him." She shrugged, knowing exactly how hard Alex was having to work not to judge her in that moment. Meeting her friend's eyes and accepting that they had gone as far as the blonde's moral and emotional convictions would allow she quipped darkly, "So the prosecution can rest now ADA Cabot. I'm guilty as hell."

* * *

><p>"No."<p>

"Oh come on!"

"I don't do hats."

"Liar! I've seen you rock a bunch of different ones over the years. Your uniform one, that little beanie in winter and..."

"Okay let me rephrase..." twisting her lips to a wry smile Olivia pointed a dismayed finger at the baseball cap in Elliot's hand and added, "... I don't do _that_ hat."

"Huh, fine, spoil sport..." tutted Elliot with a dismissive chuckle, turning his eyes to the neon banner of snack options displayed above their heads and musing, "... okay, so what are we thinking Mouse?"

"You gonna buy her a corndog?" quipped Olivia, rearranging Eve's bib as the over stimulated infant beamed open mouthed at all the sights and sounds of her first ball game. "Maybe a side of garlic fries and a pint of orange soda?"

"We could go off you, you know that right?" groaned Elliot, shuffling down the line a little and moving out the way as a family a few before them shipped out clutching their refreshments.

"Oh they _do_ have frickles..." replied Olivia, eyes twinkling as her hands unconsciously gravitated to him and played with the buckle belting his jeans, "... you gonna get your usual fries and a brat?"

"Sure, sure that sounds good..." smirked Elliot, sliding his hand casually around her waist as they took another step forward and giving her a gentle squeeze, "... you want a beer with your frickles?"

"Yeah, yeah but make it a light." Nodded Olivia, narrowing her eyes to get a better read of the selection as Elliot stared down at her and realised he was in too far to ever get out unscathed now. Before there had been unconditional friendship and an insatiable spark, now there was love. A love that only strengthened with each hour they spent together and each stitch of thread which wove them ever deeper into each other's souls.

"You wanna take her and I'll grab the food?" offered Elliot, feeling the scrum of people tightening around them and worrying for Eve.

"Sure, sure we'll wait right over there." Taking Eve from him Olivia headed to the railings while Elliot moved to the front of the line and gave their order. As the vendor gathered their snacks Eve caught sight of Elliot across the crowd and wriggled excitedly in Olivia's arms. "What is it, baby girl? Oh, did you see Daddy? He's coming right back, baby."

"Hi Evie, I'm coming." Mouthed Elliot, waving his fingers at her and grinning as the vendor set their snacks one by one on a tray for him.

"Are you waving? Are you waving big girl?" laughed Olivia, as Eve open and closed her starfish fingers and held her hands above her head for Elliot.

"Does the lady want dipping sauce with her frickles?"

"No, no she likes things plain..." he heard himself answer without needing to pause for thought, "... thanks."

"That's an even 15 bucks then when you're ready!" announced the young vendor, loading the rest of their order onto his tray. Elliot, meanwhile, was somewhere else. A place beyond space and time in which he could only stare across a ball park crowd and lose himself in Olivia's glowing smile as she tickled Evie, and the divine sound of their daughter's giggles. "Sir?"

"Sorry, sorry buddy how much did you want from me?" he asked, snapping back to reality and reaching for his wallet.

"15 please..." repeated the boy with only mild irritation at Elliot's lack of urgency as he put a handful of bills in his hand and went to pick up their tray.

"Your wife is smokin' hot..." was the statement that came right out of left field and threw Elliot into a stunned silence as he felt the tectonic plates shifting beneath his feet, "...for a mom I mean." Realising he had overstepped the bespectacled youth gave an awkward laugh and waited nervously, half expecting Elliot to land a punch for his audacity.

"She's..." he began uneasily, but then seeing Olivia pull a comical face of impatience at him from across the crowd he flashed a jaw aching smile and sighed adoringly, "... yeah, yeah she is. Keep the change, buddy."


	26. When The Winds Of Changes Shift

"You still awake down there?"

"Seriously?" asked Olivia with a contorted expression of disbelief, lying in Elliot's arms on her sofa while she fed Eve. "You imagined I could doze off on this job?"

"Oh shut up, grouchy..." smiled Elliot, brushing a kiss against the sweep of bangs at Olivia's temple, "... what are we having for dinner?"

"I'm having reheated lasagne from yesterday..." turning her head toward him and flashing a smirk, "... what are you having?"

"Huh." Replied Elliot, a little thrown off and clearly taking a moment to process the notion and consider his reply carefully as he stroked idly at her arm.

"Don't let the sweat pants and baby fool you, Blue Eyes..." eyes dancing Olivia warned, "... because I am no housewife. I don't tame that easily." If there had ever been any doubt in his mind before that moment, it was made very clear that they would never achieve domestic bliss. She would never be the archetypal cook, clean, stay at home mom and, he realised after a while of quiet reflection, he only loved her more for it.

"I guess I could make some pasta happen?" he proffered, testing the easy equilibrium of their newly redefined relationship. "Crap, is that me buzzing?"

"Either that or you're just happy to see me." Quipped Olivia drily, the corners of her mouth lifting to a teasing smile that Elliot couldn't help but sink his mouth upon. Kissing her hungrily, arms locked tightly around her as Eve fed hungrily at her breast nothing had ever felt so normal, so natural, and so completely right. It was almost possible to ignore the interruption from the outside world.

"I should take it."

"Really?" she murmured, closing her eyes and falling back into his kiss as their tongues danced with an insatiable urge to be one.

"I'll be right back..." he groaned, sliding out from beside her and wandering into the kitchen before sliding the vibrating cell phone from the pocket of his jeans and answering the call.

"Well?" asked Olivia, now burping Eve gently on her shoulder as he returned grave faced and apologetic.

"I have to go."

"Oh."

"Eli is sick and Kathy was supposed to be taking Lizzie to this Junior/Senior party tonight but she can't get him out of bed to drive her so..."

"So now you have to drive her instead." Statement not question from Olivia brought an abrupt end to their surreal evening of cocooned bliss. He was leaving them, again, and even with her best efforts to delude herself otherwise she was naive hope that it would ever be otherwise.

"I'm sorry."

"Go, it's fine..." she lied, flashing a less than convincing smile, "... we understand."

"Liv..."

"El you have a wife and a family..." recovering herself enough to acknowledge the obvious reality they faced she kissed Eve's cheek and forced a broad but painfully false grin, "... so just go."

"I'll call you."

"I know you will." She replied simply, knowing there was nothing more or less to be said in that moment as he took up his jacket and made a quiet exit. Hugging Eve even tighter into her body and fighting back cruel tears Olivia reassured her daughter that, despite evidence to the contrary, everything was going to be alright.

* * *

><p>"She get there alright?"<p>

"Dropped her right outside." Replied Elliot, taking off his jacket and tossing his cell phone and keys down onto the kitchen counter. "She met up with Gabby and that little blonde one she's started hanging out with lately at the door."

"Good, she was worried she'd have no one to walk in with."

"I'm just glad she's not walking in with one of the gangly, saucer eyed boys I had to avoid hitting on my way out the parking lot. If that's the level of smarts our daughter is hanging out with then we've got bigger issues than the length of her skirt..." and then, with unsmiling emphasis on a point that despite his earnestness amused his wife Elliot added, "... they're all morons, Kath!"

"Oh they're harmless!" came the quiet, staid little laugh from Kathy Stabler as she finished up folding a mountain of laundry and shook her head with loving weariness at her hot headed husband. "Don't be so hard on them, Elliot. We both know no boy will _ever_ be good enough for your girls."

"I can just about hack that bookworm Maureen keeps bringing around." Offered Elliot, by way of some strange compromise.

"Well that's progress I suppose..." smiled Kathy, rolling her eyes, "...here's hoping Maureen has broken through the pain barrier for the other two then!"

_Three_.

Mentally correcting her statement Elliot fetched himself a bottle of water from the refrigerator and avoided Kathy's eyes. His thoughts were suddenly all of Eve. Her doll like eyes and her mother's thick, dark, just love me lashes. Those cheekbones and that smile, that all consuming smile of warmth, compassion and enchanting vulnerability he had fallen deeply in love with. There was little doubting that Eve could capture a room every bit as easily as Olivia, and that it would be his youngest daughter who posed far and away the biggest challenge to Elliot's protective paternal mistrust of men.

"El, you're phone..." called Kathy, after he had wandered off upstairs with his thoughts to get changed, "... it might be Lizzie. She probably forgot something, knowing her! Elliot?"

"In the shower!" came the distant call as Kathy furrowed her brow with concern, a million scenarios in which Lizzie might radio her father for help running through her mind in place of her initial fear of forgetfulness. Rationalising it as the lesser of two evil's she reached for his phone and saw instantly, to her initial relief, the message was not from her daughter.

"Mouse?" she asked herself, reading the sender's name. Unable to stop herself opened the message her face fell as she read it.

_"Having bath, wish you were here. Bedtime isn't as fun without you. Love, Mouse."_

"Having a bath? Bedtime _fun_?" winced Kathy, her heart thundering with horror struck fear, anger and humiliation. "What the hell are you doing Elliot?" and then narrowing her eyes disdainfully she murmured, "Or should that be _who_ are you doing."

* * *

><p>"Well?"<p>

"What?"

"Well?"

"You said that already..." replied Olivia, not caring one bit for the knowing eyes Fin was casting across the coffee shop table a few mornings later, "... was it an interjection? Or an enquiry into my wellbeing?"

"You know you'd make a sick poker player, Liv."

"I'd take _your_ money."

"Elliot seems to be doing better..." divulged Fin, showing just enough of his hand to gain her curious attention, "... he's got a dumbass grin on his face most days."

"He does?" she asked, attempting to fane casual indifference.

"And he doesn't twitch like a stroke victim when I bring you up in conversation so that says something I guess."

"You're sick and inappropriate and..." accepting a heated bottle of milk from the waitress and testing it on her arm Olivia handed it across the table to Fin and added reluctantly, "... so you've spoken to him about me?"

"Oh so _now_ momma wants to play ball, does she?" chuckled Fin, bending down and kissing Eve's brow and holding out the bottle teat until her hungry little mouth grabbed a hold of it. "Well we've taken our bat and ball home, haven't we Evie baby?"

"I'm sitting here with a chest like a loaded arsenal letting you feed her with a bottle so you better..."

"Oh quit bellyaching, you know Uncle Fin needs his Evie time..." she wondered, watching Fin's gooey eyed gazing at her daughter, whether in many ways he was making up for time not spent with Ken as a baby, "... she's my girl, aren't you Baby B?"

"Fin you know I wasn't serious, right?" softened Olivia, relieved when he lifted his eyes to see her sincerity. "She's so calm and good around you and that's no coincidence. You've been right here with us from that very first ultrasound and I won't ever forget that. I won't ever take it or you for granted."

"Liv you don't have to..."

"She's your girl, Fin..." affirmed Olivia, reaching across the table and squeezing the cuff of Fin's leather jacket as he continued to hold the bottle out for Eve, "... and I couldn't be more thankful for that."

"I know shit's going down between the two of you."

"Oh, I..."

"El is a man of few words..." shrugging matter-of-factly Fin clarified, "... but it don't take a detective to read what's written all over his face."

"It doesn't?" she would've killed him for being such a tease withholding his theory if she hadn't needed him to continue his role as spy and mediator.

"Anything you wanna tell Uncle Fin?" asked Fin, challenging her own withholding.

"Okay just so we're clear it is _really_ creepy when you call yourself Uncle Fin and you're not talking to the baby."

"You two are something again, aren't you?" he asked, shooting straight to the heart of the matter.

"I don't know..."

"Don't you dare lie to me Benson..." warned dark eyes, pinning her against the wall and forcing her to lay her cards on the table, "... that isn't how we roll and you know it."

"Maybe, I guess. It's a mess, it's..." she felt like an awkward school girl talking about such things in front of someone who had only relatively recently become party to her personal life, and awkwardly shifting in her seat Olivia mumbled, "... the truth is I don't think we ever _stopped_ being something."

"Huh."

"The worst part is that I'm not sure we ever will."

"Oh I'm damn sure of it."

"Wh..."

"Liv..." he quipped darkly, lifting the child in his arms slightly to highlight his point, "... meet Evie."

"I didn't mean..."

"I know."

"Nothing changed. Things only got _more_ complicated than the last time we were here. We're both still on the job. He still has Kathy and his kids..."

"He has _your_ kid too now."

"Yeah but..."

"No, no don't do that. Don't be that mom."

"I..."

"Don't ever let Evie be a 'yeah but' to him, Liv. If you choose to take her out of his life then that's your call but don't you dare let him take himself out of hers. I don't care what anyone says you don't ever get over that with your kid. I don't care what some jumped up shrink says, I look Ken in the eye sometimes and I know..." throwing his eyes sideways for a moment and cursing himself for letting it cut him too close Fin mumbled, "... you don't ever get over it. You don't ever get that time back."

"I'm sorry..." she said quietly, sharing in his sadness and regret, "... about Ken."

"I know you love him, Liv..."

"I love her more." Said Olivia firmly, unflinchingly, without a heartbeat's pause.

"I ain't judgin'..." reassured Fin, lest she be in any doubt, "... you know that, right?"

"I know, but wouldn't blame you even if you were. I've been an idiot."

"No, no you..."

"Yeah, yeah Fin. Don't defend me. It was one thing letting myself get blindsided by whatever the hell Elliot and I are before she came along, but this isn't just about us anymore. I could just about justify living in a powder keg with him before..." realising that she owed it to her child to raise her expectations of Elliot she vowed, "... but I can't play his games with Evie."

"Sing it, mama bear." Grinned Fin, his mission accomplished. Though he cared about both his friends he didn't underestimate Elliot Stabler's ability to deliver empty promises in a bid to both appease his conscience and his blazing heart.

"He's either in or he's out. He has to make a choice but..."

"What?" he asked, seeing a sudden paleness fall over Olivia's olive skin. "What is it?"

"I just don't know what I'd do if he..."

"If he didn't choose you?" asked Fin, bluntly.

"I can't think about that. I can't let that change anything. I can't let my fear of losing him make me so weak I let him hurt her. I let him keep me a dirty little secret for the sake of his kids..." she murmured darkly, a strange but potent fire rising within her as she held Eve tightly and rose up like a lioness protecting her cub, "... but now maybe it's time he told the truth for the sake of mine."

"You're really gonna do this?" he asked, afraid that had had perhaps started something a little more than intended.

"If he wants to walk away then I won't fight it. If he doesn't want to be a part of her life then I won't force him. I can be all she needs if I have to."

"But?"

"But if he wants in then he has to be all in. I won't let him treat her like a mistake he just wants to brush under the carpet. I won't let my daughter grow up feeling like she's worth less than Kathy Stabler's kids."

"Damn straight."

"I grew up ashamed of who I was and how I got here..." bringing Eve up to her shoulder, pressing their cheeks together and needing the closeness of the infant's tiny heart beating against her chest Olivia swallowed, "... and I _never_ want Evie to feel that way."

"What are you saying, Liv?" he asked, realising that he recognised this fighting talk in her more than he did her earlier girlish fretting over Elliot's intentions toward her. "What does this look like?"

"I'm saying that he and I were together, I got pregnant, and we had a baby. We're either acknowledging that it happened or we're not. There is no middle ground here. I'm saying either he's proud to be Evie's father and let the whole damn world know it or he's nothing at all to her. I'm saying..." beginning to falter she repeated, "... I'm saying..."

"Liv..."

"He tells Kathy..." finding her voice again Olivia set her price, "... or its game over."

"You can't deny the guy his kid."

"Yes I can, Fin. If _he_ denies_ her_..." gritting her teeth and steeling herself for a fight Olivia murmured, "...**yes I can**."

"Liv..."

"If he isn't man enough to own what we did, if he isn't man enough to stand up and say that this beautiful, smart, breathtaking little girl is his child..." pressing kisses against Eve's forehead as she murmured the affirmations of goodness into her daughter's soul so that she might always know them to be true Olivia added, "... then he doesn't deserve her."


	27. Almost Doesn't Count

_**My gosh this chapter has been a labour of love! I am uploading it now though since I feel like the more I tweak it the further away from the rawness of the original draft it gets. I want it right but I want it real too. Hopefully I've gotten somewhere close at least. Feedback adored more so now than ever since I'm attempting to sculpt where this will all end up and your reviews are so crucial to that process.**_

_**Many thanks and much appreciation for all those who have been R&Ring though. I try to take it all on board xxx**_

* * *

><p>"It really was his baby."<p>

"It's okay, honey..." soothed Amanda Rollins, reaching out a hand and laying it over the hospital bracelet on Carrie Eldridge's left wrist, "... take your time."

"It's all my fault."

"No, no that just isn't true and..."

"I _did_ plan to blackmail money out of him. Detective Stabler was right to think that. We were together when I was staying with his family right after I got out of juvi. He was so nice to me. No grown up had ever been so sweet and he didn't want anything..." for all the years behind here there was still a child in Carrie's eyes, thought Rollins sadly, "... it wasn't like that."

"It never is, honey." Came the warm, southern lilt from the kind eyed blonde at her bedside that prompted Carrie to go on.

"But then when Justin came to find me he got so mad. Not at first, but when he realised what was going on. He didn't used to be like that. He was a good kid when I knew him before, always so gentle. I guess we'd both changed..." ventured Carrie tentatively, lifting her eyes to the detective's as if to test her trust, "... and when he found out I was pregnant and it was Nathan's baby..."

"What, Carrie?" determined not to lead her victim, though seeing it already in her eyes Rollins waited patiently. "What happened?"

"I had to leave with him. I had to run away with him. It was getting worse each time he came around and people were starting to notice..." swallowing slowly Carrie confessed, "... the bruises."

"Justin was beating you?"

"He said I was his. That we were meant to be and we'd been through too much with each other to just give up now. I did love him before. I really did. It's just so much had happened and I wasn't the same person I was before my mom died. I guess he just didn't understand."

"So what happened next? After the two of you ran away together?"

"It was hard. Neither of us had a job and with my record no one would take me on. We tried to make it work for a while but I was so tired all the time with the baby and he'd be out drinking with his guy friends every night..." pursing her lips, as if reliving the period in her mind Carrie took a moment before continuing, "... and then one day he read about this rich dude getting a girl pregnant and having to buy her silence."

"So it was Justin's idea to blackmail Nathan George?" the answer, noted Rollins, was crucial to what happened next.

"He told me to set up the meeting in the hotel room and tell him that if he didn't pay up I'd go to the press. I'd expose our affair, shame his family, and ruin his career for good. Nathan had been trying to get a hold of me ever since I left to make sure I was okay so when I called..."

"He was more than willing to come meet you." Nodded the detective, piecing together the real truth in all its sad, desperate glory.

"I told Nathan I was pregnant and he was shocked at first. I didn't know what he'd do. He's a good guy though and he promised to look after me. He was so sweet and kind and he told me he'd get me a place to live with the baby and give me as much money as I needed..." finding that once the words had started to come, they fell with ease and relief from her lips to Detective Rollin's ears, "... then somehow he was hugging me and we started kissing..."

"Carrie?" entreating her not to stop now, when they were so close to the whole truth Rollins leaned forward and reached for Carrie's hand. "Is that when things turned nasty?"

"No! No things were great until..." turning her head away Carrie winced, "... until Justin showed up."

"And what happened then?"

"He found us..." almost swallowing the word Carrie added quietly, "... together."

"And he wasn't so thrilled about that, huh?" stated Rollins, unfailing in her open faced support and sincere empathy.

"He played nice until Nathan left. The betrayed boyfriend, all hurt and confused. Nathan left me his new cell number on the side and asked me if I wanted him to go. I said yeah because Justin was just looking at me with this face, this face that I knew..." closing her eyes as hot tears pricked at them Carrie whispered, "... but I didn't want him to go! I wanted him to stay and make it all okay. I wanted all the things he'd promised me but I knew it'd only be worse if I didn't tell him to go and pretend I meant it."

"Right, right because Justin was right there. Carrie did Nathan know that he'd been beating you? Did he know what would happen if he left?"

"No."

"You sure about that, honey?"

"Nathan loves me..." came the wide eyed innocence that stared Rollins down, "... he wouldn't have left if he'd known what would happen next."

"And what did happen next?"

"Justin lost it. He just freakin' lost it. He hit me over and over and then he..."

"It's okay, honey. It's okay..."

"When he'd finished he told me that I was his. That I was _his_ and he could have me whenever he wanted and I should never forget that."

"It was Justin that raped you." Needn't even be a question anymore, realised Rollins. They had had the wrong perp all along.

"When he tried to do it again I ran. I ran for the door but he grabbed me. He dragged me back. We fought and I struggled and it felt like time just wasn't moving. It felt like I'd been in there for hours trying to fight him off and I was so tired. I was so tired. We ended up out on the balcony and he said how no baby was ever going to take me away from him. The next thing I remember is..." voice trembling Carrie finished, "... waking up in the hospital."

"We're gonna get him, Carrie. He won't get away with it. I swear to you I will do _everything_ can to make that happen..." misty eyed and determined Rollins slid her hand into Carrie's and vowed, "... you're not on your own, honey."

* * *

><p>"I guess it just needed a little grease. It seems okay now."<p>

"Thanks..." replied Kathy with a quiet, reticent smile as Elliot wandered into the kitchen and threw down an greasy rag and his wrench onto the table, "... thanks for doing that."

"No problem." He shrugged, a little uncomfortable under the intensity of her gaze.

"I mean it, Elliot..." watching him wash his hands Kathy folded and unfolded her arms with an anxious poise and shared, "...I honestly don't know what I'd do without you."

"Yeah, yeah..." feeling a uncharacteristic and self conscious flush in his cheeks Elliot dried his hands on his jeans and swallowed with a tightly locked jaw, "... well tomorrow I'm gonna work on that shower. I just need to borrow a different size wrench from Mike next door."

"I know things aren't perfect, you know? The house is falling apart around us and we can't afford to fix it. The doors creak and the faucets leak and the shower is only hot for three seconds at a time but we're okay, right?"

"Sure, sure we are." He replied, not convincing either of them of anything.

"I mean I know you're back on the job and that hasn't ever been easy but we're doing better this time around. We're making it work. The kids are almost grown except Eli and now I'm managing to work part time things should start to get a little easier financially so..."

"Kath where is this all coming from?" he asked, a little unnerved by her verbal appraisal of their current lot.

"You've been happier lately." She replied, pale faced and burning from the inside out. Staring at her whole world in two blue eyes Kathy Stabler spoke the truth that was quietly, steadily, breaking them in two.

"I've been doing better..." acknowledged Elliot, taking a silent vow that he wouldn't lie, he might withhold but if asked directly he would not deny Olivia or Eve, "... it's been a long road back from the shooting."

"I know." She swallowed, willing herself to ask the question searing at her heart but terrified to hear the truth spoken aloud. As though what she didn't know for sure couldn't hurt her. "You've been wound so tightly for months and now it's like somehow..." she knew him so well, painfully well, he realised as she smiled, "... you can breathe again."

"Yeah." Was all he could bring himself to respond. It was weak and pathetic and she deserved more but he felt numb. Standing on the edge of an unimaginable precipice staring down at a yawning expanse of all that would unravel if he said what was in his heart and on his mind in that moment.

"Elliot..." sighed Kathy, and suddenly it was almost as though they both knew the power of words unspoken. Something was so deeply, profoundly, fundamentally wrong that neither one of them could bring themselves to take another step.

"I should go fetch Eli from Sandra's place." Shutting down the conversation he made a swift exit, grabbing his keys and stepping out onto the porch.

Releasing the lock vault on his chest he inhaled a lungful of air and held it a moment, exhaling it with the realisation that Kathy was right. She had said it all. He _was_ happier. He was healing at last and the weight that had been sitting on his chest for months was finally lifted. Olivia was back in his life, and he could breathe again.

"Thanks for having him, Sandra. I hope he wasn't too much trouble?"

"None at all, were you little man?" cooed the round faced, platinum blonde as she pinched at Eli's cheek and grinned. "No trouble at all."

"Good, good well let us know a good time to have Max over to our place and we'll figure something..." feeling his back pocket vibrate Elliot segued, "... excuse me?"

"No worries, sweet cheeks..." came the wink from an overly amorous pre-school parent, besotted with Elliot's roguish charm "... we'll arrange another play date real soon."

"Okay, buddy. We need to make a mental note to have your Mom pick you up from Max's..." his sentence stopped as suddenly as his heart as he saw the sender of the text, "... house."

_"Need to see you. We have to talk. Liv." _

"Hugry!" declared Eli, bored with his father's distraction and keen to press on with their homeward journey.

"Yeah, yeah I know bud we'll get you something to eat soon." Replied Elliot, searching his mind for a possible reason he could have to vacate the house this evening and find out the cause of Olivia's austere text.

* * *

><p><em>"I can't do this anymore."<em>

_"I made coffee but I couldn't find your half/half milk so you'll have to deal with..."_

_"Elliot I can't do this anymore." Repeated Olivia, hair mussed in a tousled crown around her flushed face. Radiant with a post-coital glow she sat wearing only a white bed sheet and a broken-hearted smile. _

_"Liv..." he began, setting the two mugs in his hand down on the dressing table and moving back to the bed still warm from their love, "... it's okay." Crawling across the bed to her in his boxers Elliot reached for her hand and held it fast, stroking her knuckles with his thumbs and soothing her with his eyes. _

_"No it isn't." She confessed with a small, but worryingly determined voice. _

_"What are you..."_

_"Elliot what are we doing?" whether it was a sudden rush of conscience or startling realisation that she had allowed her heart to disconnect her head from reality, Olivia was, in that moment, seeing their relationship as it really was. _

_"You're freaking out and I get that but..."_

_"You've got me, El." She shrugged, stating it as simple inalienable fact. "I'm yours."_

_"Liv..." he breathed heavily, his entire body flush with desire and hot with love as she spoke words that made him ache inside, "... oh Liv."_

_"But this is it, this is now, this is me sitting right here in front of you saying that I want this. I want you. I want us. I want us to be together..." something had changed, he knew, though quite what and when he wasn't sure, "... but I need you to be mine too."_

_"It isn't that easy and you know it..." he sighed, reaching out to her face and cupping her cheek as she inclined her neck and allowed him to take the weight of her head in his palm, "... it isn't that simple."_

_"It isn't easy." She replied, sitting upright again and moving slightly away from him. "But it __**is **__that simple."_

_"I..."_

_"It's as simple as you either stay here with me or you go home to her."_

_"Please don't..."_

_"I'm done with this. I'm done being your dirty little secret. I can't hide in the shadows anymore. It's cold and it is lonely and I am done waiting, Elliot. I am done."_

_"What happened? Things are so good right now."_

_"Good for you, maybe!"_

_"What changed? You were fine before, but now suddenly it's all so black and white?" he tested, knowing her better than to be so impulsively demanding. Something was different. Something had changed in her and he needed to know what. _

_"I need to know where I stand!" she replied, her hand unconsciously gravitating to her bare stomach. Holding her palm flush against her skin she protectively put a barrier between uncertainty and her unborn child. Something had indeed changed within her: they were not alone in this anymore. _

_"The same place you've always stood!" he half yelled in frustrated response. Then, softening, he reached his hands to the small of her back and dragged her toward him, "Next to me."_

_"El don't..." she flinched, brushing his hands from her and turning away. _

_"Olivia?" he entreated, reaching for her again and though she struggled lightly against him he attempted to turn her body back toward him. They needed to be face to face for this conversation. _

_"Don't! Stop it, you're hurting me..." and then employing a little more force she shrugged him away and yelped, "... you are __**hurting **__me Elliot!"_

_"I..." he stumbled, holding his hands in the air on seeing the rawness in her expression and pain in her eyes. _

_"You're hurting me." She repeated, devastatingly. _

_"I love you." He said, though it had never felt so powerless in the face of reality. _

_"We've been living in a fantasy since the ball and I let it go on. I let all this happen and I'm every bit as much to blame but it isn't real. It isn't real and we can't keep doing this. I can't keep doing this. It's too hard. I can't share you. I tried to fool myself that I could for a while but now..." closing her eyes and folding her arms across her stomach she peeled back her lashes and locked his gaze, "... it's too much. It's not enough. I need you to still be here in the morning."_

"I got your message."

"Good."

"I thought I should..." after over an hour of driving around her neighbourhood reliving the last time they had faced their reality together Elliot now found himself speechless at her door, "... come over."

"I should've waited. I shouldn't have sent that text I just..." closing her eyes and rubbing her throbbing temple Olivia swallowed, "... Evie's started teething and I'm exhausted and..."

"She okay?" he asked with concern, following a weary first time mom into the kitchen as she dragged her bare feet and nodded her head steadily.

"She's fine."

"And you?" he asked, instinctively reaching for her. Unable to stand back and not go to comfort her he reached one hand to her shoulder, and the other to her waist.

"Less so." She acknowledged with a quiet, faintly tearful shrug.

"You know I love you, Liv..." he shrugged, his eyes laced with emotion as he was moved by the true depth of the statement, "... you know that I can't live without you."

"So don't. Don't live without me. Live _with_ me." She implored, too burned out and emotional from sleepless nights and maternal hormones to even attempt a smokescreen of stubborn strength.

"Liv, baby..."

"Don't call me baby." She snapped, shaking him off her and folding her arms in a defensive stance. "And don't give me that look."

"You're making me nervous." Testing the water cautiously, Elliot read her face with apprehensive eyes and felt a creeping dread wash over him. "Are we really going there? Are we really about to have this conversation?" he asked, though that much was increasingly evident.

"We've already _had_ this conversation Elliot. We've already _been_ here once before, remember?"

"Are you giving me an ultimatum?" he asked bluntly, his body visibly tensing.

"I'm giving you a choice..." she replied slowly, before laying her soul bare and adding, "... and I'm asking you to choose me."

"Liv..."

"I deserve more. I deserve better. Our _daughter_ deserves better..." pushing aside wilful pride and her own heart's desires for a greater good she had to believe in Olivia insisted, "... she deserves a father who doesn't pretend she doesn't exist."

"I know you're angry but can't we just..."

"No, no we can't. Not anymore. I'm done. If you want to go back to Kathy and make out like this never happened then go. If we're saying that we were never together and my baby isn't yours then _fine_, we'll disappear..." laying her cards on the table she cautioned, "... but don't you dare come around here wanting to play make believe whenever it suits you."

"You can't keep me from Evie." He stated with mild panic but firmness of conviction.

"Yeah, yeah Elliot I can. I can and I will; and unless you're willing to acknowledge her as your daughter..." standing face to the wind in front of her child, a mother bared her claws, "... you can't do a damn thing about it."

"That's blackmail! That's a crock of shit and you know it!"

"Shit happens."

"I know I'm guilty in this but how dare you Olivia. How dare you threaten me now when a few months ago you were ready to let David Hayden raise her as his without even..." shaking his head in disbelief he murmured, "... who the hell are you to use her as a bargaining chip after what you did?"

"I'm not! I'm just trying to raise Evie in a world that is good and honest and safe. I'm trying to make a life for our daughter and you need to make up your mind whether you want to be in it or not. I can't raise my kid in a lie! I can't let her grown up in a world where her own father is ashamed of her!"

"I don't even know you right now."

"Elliot I..."

"I can't have this conversation with you when you won't even see this from my side. You aren't all innocent in this Olivia and I'm leaving before either one of us says something that can't be unsaid."

"What the hell do you want from me, you asshole?" she cried, holding out her hands emphatically as her eyes pleaded mercy. "What do you even _want_, El?"

"I want you, Liv..." he shrugged helplessly, loving her almost more than he could stand, "... I just want you!"

"No you _don't_!"

"I..."

"YOU **HAD** ME, ELLIOT!" came the desperate, all-consuming cry from somewhere so deep in Olivia's soul the whole world stopped for a moment.

"Olivia..."

"You had me for twelve years all day every day and then one day just left!" her voice breaking at a hoarse yell Olivia continued with impassioned determination, "You had me a year ago in that bed through there giving you my heart on a freakin' plate and you chose Kathy!" Shrugging desperately as her words fell to a tremble she finished, "You've had me all along but it's just _never_ been _enough_ and I'm tired of waiting for it to be! I can't live like this anymore!"

"I know you feel..."

"I feel like total crap, you patronising son of a bitch!" she scoffed with incensed disbelief, knowing they could never go back after this. "I** hurt**. Not sometimes, not just when you leave but _all the time_. It _**hurts**_ to love you this much and know that it will _always_ end in goodbye."

"Olivia..."

"You'll always leave."

"Liv?" he said gently, moving toward her and reaching for her shoulders so that he might bring her into his arms as her voice broke and trembled into a quiet sob.

"But I've kept quiet. I've let it go on because even though sharing you with her is _killing_ me..." burying her face in his shirt curling her arms tight around his waist she whispered, "... the thought of never seeing you again is just..."

"That won't ever happen." He reassured, with absolutely no basis in fact only a primitive gut instinct that he could not live without her. It was not possible.

"Yeah, yeah it will. If you can't look the world in the eye and admit Eve is yours..." pushing her own feelings aside with the full force of both hands Olivia spoke firmly through tears, "... then we're done. It's over."

"No, no..."

"You, me, our baby..." reaching to his face and stroking her fingertips along his strong jaw line Olivia breathed, "... all of it? It either happened or it didn't, either it's real or it's not."

"It feels pretty damn real to me."

"We've been living in a dream, El..." she whispered, rising to her tiptoes and planting a tender kiss against his lightly pursed lips, "... but it's time to wake up now."

"I love you, Olivia."

"I know you do..." she nodded steadily, "... and I love you."

"Then..."

"But it's not enough..." she shrugged, walking to the door and slowly opening it for him, "...and I have to protect Evie."


	28. Scarlet Letter

"How's Olivia?" asked Rollins, able to see the world in so many more shades of colour than her co-workers were yet able to give her credit for.

"Okay, I think."

"Could you get a little more vague?" came the laconic smile as Amanda tossed her eyes and flicked her pen between fingers at her desk.

"She's fine."

"Fine?" came the wide mouthed smile of incredulity as Rollins groaned. "Well, I walked right into that one. Turns out you can get more vague."

"What I mean is she'll be fine. She's still the same old Liv. She hasn't changed."

"But everything else has." Stated Rollins, a little too knowingly for Elliot's liking.

"I'm not sure I follow..." he tested, uneasily.

"I'm the new girl, Stabler..." her syrupy, lazy vowel drawl was as deceptive, he noted, as her shrewd mind and wry wit was blindsiding, "... not the village idiot."

"It's complicated." He confided, growing weary of deceit and ever more desperate to set down a little of the load burdening his troubled mind.

"Is it?" she shot back in quick challenge. "Only in my experience that's just what people say when they either can't or won't make a choice."

"You don't know what you're talking about." Elliot tested. Not accusing, nor patronizing, but more a question. He was genuinely attempting to ascertain the extent of Rollins' awareness of his situation before he said too much.

"The way you look at her?" replied Rollins slowly. "The look you get in your eyes when you talk about her? The way you're head is so _full_ of her that you can't even think straight let alone focus on this case with me right now?"

"I..."

"That's a once in a lifetime kind of deal Elliot." It was rare she used his first name, and it made her sentiment all the more sincere.

"I guess you do know a little of what you're talking about." He conceded, endearing himself to her with the bashful shrug he offered in apology. "You know you kind of sounded like you're talking from experience there."

"Maybe, maybe not."

"You never found a person who got to you that way?" he asked, because the moment seemed to lend itself to an unusually personal line of questioning. She didn't flinch, just stared back at him with sad eyes that said everything and nothing all at the same time.

"If I ever do I won't be dumb enough to let them get away. That's for damn sure. I'll hold onto them with both hands and cling on like my life depends on it..." and then, describing exactly the all consuming twisting in his gut she added wistfully, "... because it just might."

"You're wrong you know. I mean what you're assuming, what you think is going on; it isn't.

"Sure."

"Whatever you think you've seen..."

"You know you're the only one around here still living in denial, Elliot..." offered Rollins, unable to help herself but to shoot straight and put him out of his misery, "... everyone else knows full well that beautiful child is your daughter."

"I..."

"I might be speaking out of turn here, but Olivia Benson? She isn't the woman you walk away from..." pursing her lips and meeting his eyes with an intensity that was white hot and searing Rollins rasped, "... she's the one you run through fire to get to."

* * *

><p>"This precinct isn't big enough to handle the day job <em>and<em> your personal drama Detective Stabler..." announced Cragen with a taught faced, furrowed browed disapproval as he poked his head around the crib door with a resonating growl, "... your wife is in interview one."

"I'm on it." Replied Elliot, hastily clambering up from the cot he had been dozing on and grabbing his shirt.

"Are you, detective?" asked Cragen, leaning against the doorframe as Elliot buttoned blue cotton over his white tank top. Lifting his eyes to the older man Elliot hesitated, a little discomfited by the directness of the Captain's tone. "Only from what I can see you're just sitting back and waiting for the fall out. Every one of us can see how this is going to end."

"Due respect, Cap..."

"You can't take a backseat in your own life, Elliot. You can't please everyone all the time and you'll only hurt yourself and everyone around you trying. It's time to man up and take the wheel."

"I hear you..." nodded Elliot, with resigned recognition that there was little point arguing a moot point, "... and I'll fix it."

"See that you do, and hear me when I say that Kathy is a good woman whose put up with a hell of a lot from you and deserves better..." everything about him softening Cragen slid his hands into his pant pockets and shrugged warmly, "... but Liv is family."

"I know."

"You hurt her or that little girl and..."

"Yes Captain." Nodded Elliot, not needing to reduce either one of them to a threat situation. He understood, more than that he agreed. He didn't want to see Olivia hurt any more than Cragen did, and the thought of Eve as collateral damage was every bit as abhorrent to him.

* * *

><p>"What the hell, Elliot?"<p>

"Hey, hey what's going on?" he asked, entering the interview room and closing the door behind him.

"What's going on? What's _going on_, El?" scoffed Kathy incredulously. "I have no freakin' clue, that's what! You didn't come home last night and you're the one asking _me_ for answers?"

"I was upstate working a case. I left you a voicemail and a message with Lizzie."

"Lizzie is about as reliable as..." rolling her eyes at the flighty nature of their youngest daughter Kathy sighed, "... now how about you tell me where you really were?"

"Upstate, Kath..." persisted Elliot firmly, "... like I said."

"Don't you dare lie to my face Elliot!" came the impassioned plea, as Kathy shook curtains of blonde hair and implored the truth.

"I'm not, ask Rollins. She was right there with me in the car all night and Munch was here working it with us from the squad. We were looking for our victim's boyfriend and..."

"I don't trust you anymore." Was the single, devastating confession that blurted out of Kathy's lightly parted lips of desperation. She could deny it as fact with all the will in the world but she couldn't change it.

"Can we talk about this later?" he asked, hearing people outside the room and knowing that it was neither the time nor the place to release the worm can debris of their silently crumbling marriage. "Please?"

"No, no we're gonna talk about this now Elliot. Right here, right now. I'm done waiting to see how this one plays out..." she swallowed staunchly, "... we're gonna skip right to the closing act."

"Kathy..."

"I know, El."

"What?" he breathed, his chest contracting to a painful vice.

"About your bit on the side." Watery eyes narrowed, and froze over with bitter fury.

"I..."

"I know you've been screwing around behind my back and I want answers..." narrowing her eyes Kathy demanded, "... starting with this little Mouse tramp's real name?"

* * *

><p>"How big is Evie? How big is she?"<p>

"Blur, blur blur, OOF!" blowing bubbly raspberries as she stretched her arms up as high as they could possibly reach Eve's eyes sparkled.

"SO big!" laughed Olivia, leaning over the stroller and cooing adoringly. "Are you my big girl? Are you mama's big girl, Evie baby? Yes you are, yes you are sweetheart."

"Ma, ma, ma..." grabbing Olivia's hand and wrapping warm, podgy little fingers tightly around her mother's thumb she attempted to force it into her dribbling mouth, "... mama."

"Are you eating my thumb? Are you eating mommy's thumb with your drooly, gummy..." realising however maternally besotted she might have been it was not an entirely pleasant sensation Olivia laughed tenderly, "... kind of gross little mouth?"

"Mama."

"I hear what they say that you're too little to talk but I think you know. I think you know you get to eat my thumb because I'm all yours. You know I'm your mama, don't you Evie?" her whole face alight Olivia sighed contentedly as the elevator pinged to signal its arrival.

"Olivia?" came the startled exclamation as the elevator doors opened to reveal a flushed David Hayden.

"David." Was the only word she could even begin to attempt uttering as she stared blankly at him, and struggled to arrange her face in an expression that displayed anything other than startle. She ought not to have been overly surprised that the EADA might pay the 16th precinct a house call, but she was. Had she encountered him armed with her badge, weapon and the distance the job afforded her she might have been better equipped to handle the situation. However standing before him not as Detective Benson but as a mother, as a former lover, as just Olivia, was terrifying.

"Wow, she grew..." easing the tension with a warm smile and kind eyes David reached down and stroked Eve's cheek gently, "... you're so big now, Eve."

"Gah!" came the recognition of a repeated phrase in Eve's jubilant little face as she raised her arms above her head and waved them a little for emphasis. She liked her mother's game and she wanted to play again, whoever this smiling stranger might be.

"She's showing you how big she..." not even how painfully cute her daughter was could appease Olivia as she trailed off uneasily, "... well, anyways, we're meeting Fin. We're a little early but, well, anyway."

"Oh right, right sure. That's good. That's great..." using his hands gesticulate and noiselessly further a conversation in which words were not his friend David stumbled, "... that you two are still close I mean. Not that you wouldn't be. Gosh, wow. I am so awkward right now, aren't I?"

"I don't think either of us is feeling overly at ease." Quipped Olivia, managing to twist her lips to a wry smile before they both shared a self deprecating laugh.

"This is probably insane but..." furrowing thick brows David's eyes glinted as he asked, "... you don't wanna grab a coffee or something do you?"

"I..."

"I've been in red tape hell with Lucy and Ethel all morning and..."

"Lucy and Ethel?" asked Olivia, puzzled.

"ADAs Novak and Cabot..." watching her process the comparison, concur, and stifle an amused chuckle he flashed a puckish grin and clarified, "... respectively."

"I see."

"I could sure use a break and if you're early to meet Fin..."

"I really can't, D." Never had a single letter, uttered so many times in affection, frustration, passionate love and painful goodbye rendered him so moved.

"I miss you..." he rasped, whisperingly, meeting her eyes.

"I should go..." she evaded, pushing the elevator button and turning away.

"Olivia..." reaching out and grabbing her wrist he slid his hand over hers and swallowed, "... what I mean is I _really_ miss you."

"David..." she began, almost unable to bear the situation. She was unexpectedly rescued from it, however, as Fin exploded from the elevator and bear tackled her toward the door.

"We gotta go, Miss Scarlett!"

"Fin!" she protested, demanding he unhand her and watching in astonishment as Detective Tutuola began to bundle Eve's buggy toward the exit.

"I mean it, Liv. Let's move."

"I should probably go. I think I've more than hit my awkward quota for the day and it seems like Fin has a thing going on but..." still hopeful, David flashed a coy, cryptic smile at an overwhelmed Olivia and added, "... you know where I am if you change your mind."

"Yeah, yeah thanks, I..." but as David made a swift exit her floundering hesitance became frustrated irritation as she turned to Fin and stated bluntly, "... well that was rude!"

"We don't have time to smell the roses right now, Liv. It's Ashley's birthday and you're about to walk in there wearing a slutty red dress and too much rouge so..."

"I'm sorry Detective Tutuola..." closing her eyes, holding them a moment and then opening them with a fractious bafflement Olivia exhaled, "... but did you _completely_ lose your mind?"

"Kathy Stabler is in interview one spitting nails..." confessed Fin, his dark eyes reflecting a fierce need to protect, "... and I'm getting the two of you the hell out of here right now. You gonna fight me some more or are we good to go?"

"Does she know?" swallowed Olivia at an almost gasp.

"I dunno but shit is going down that's for sure. I'm all for El growing a pair and lighting the touch paper..." catching the diaper bag as it fell from her shoulder Fin slung it over his, grabbed the stroller handles and propelled it toward the doors, "... but I ain't letting baby girl stick around to watch the fireworks."

* * *

><p>"She's my daughter."<p>

"What?"

"The texts you read. I was writing to my daughter."

"And she was writing back?" scoffed Kathy with a bitter derision. "You're lying."

"I'm not. I should've told you. I know that, and I'm sorry. I didn't want you to find out like this."

"No, no you didn't want me to find out at all!" came the incredulous shriek, as Kathy held her head with her hands and brandished her elbows to the air as she turned from side to side despairingly.

"Like I said I'm sorry and..."

"How old is this kid anyway? This kid who can text you?" her tone was almost venomous, and Elliot was afraid anything he said from that point on would only make it more potent.

"She can't text, she..." mortified he pushed hard to starboard and vowed to just tell the truth, and hope the storm's wrecking was survivable, "... she's almost six months."

"Six months? Six..." breathing heavily Kathy attempted to take it all in, "... so this has been going on for over a year? My God, Elliot! You knocked up some little tramp over a _year_ ago and you've kept it quiet all this time!"

"It isn't like that, it's complicated and..."

"No it isn't. No it is _not_ complicated. It's not complicated at all from what I can tell. It's as simple as the fact that you got some home wrecking whore pregnant and you've been keeping her bastard kid a secret for..."

"She is _not_ a whore!" snapping like a dry branch somewhere so deep inside of him it startled them both Elliot stared at her. His blue eyes penetrative he barely flinched as Kathy protested with his name.

"Elliot!"

"You can be mad as holy hell at me Kath. You can call me all the names you want and I deserve every one of them but _not_ her..." every muscle in his body tensed and the veins in his neck protruding Elliot demanded, "... and I _will not_ have you talk that way about Eve."

"Oh my... oh my God..." came the stumbling, falling realisation as Kathy staggered back against the interview room wall and all the colour drained from her face.

"Kath..."

"Eve as in..."

"I..." it was too late, he released, to ever go back now.

"I've been such an idiot."

"No, no you..."

"How did I not see it? How did I not see what was staring me right in the goddamn face?"

"Please, please just..."

"You're the father of Olivia Benson's baby."


	29. The Better Angels Of Our Nature

_"Worried about you, bro. Give me a call, Fin."_

"What you still doing up, Dad?" came Kathleen's voice as she padded barefoot downstairs to find her father sat alone in the living room nursing a beer.

"Couldn't sleep." Replied Elliot, tossing his cell phone down onto the coffee table without replying to Fin's message.

"So mom never came home tonight. She didn't even call..." and then, unintentionally highlighting he was no longer a solid part of the family's rhythm and routine Kathleen added, "... and she _always_ calls."

"Yeah." He said, for want of any better utterance in reply.

"You two are in a fight, aren't you?" Seeing her, really seeing his daughter for the first time in a long time Elliot had to catch his breath. Gone were her wild child days of rebellion and little girl ideals. Kathleen Stabler was a bright, smart, and painfully sensitive young woman.

"When did you grow up?" asked Elliot with a sad sigh. "When did you all grow up?"

"While you were at work." Never had Kathleen seen five unthinkingly chosen words resound so devastatingly. Elliot looked more crushed than she had ever seen him all the years they had spent fighting bitterly with one another throughout her troubled teens.

"Wow." He managed, entirely disabled and unable to do anything but turn away burned by the white hot power and truth of her statement.

"Dad I'm sorry I didn't mean to..."

"No, no it's me who's the sorry one."

"You know I love you, right?" coming to sit by him on the sofa Kathleen reached out her hand and rested it lightly on the Marine Corps tattoo on his forearm. "Right?"

"I missed so much, Kathleen. I missed everything."

"You didn't miss _everything_ Dad. You were here for the important stuff. Always."

"I got into the police because it was what I was supposed to do. It was what was expected. What my Dad wanted. I turned into work every day because that's what a guy does, he supports his family. Yeah it was about the job, about the victims, but more than that it was about you guys..." whether he was still attempting to delude himself or not it was with genuine sentiment that Elliot added, "... I was doing it for you guys."

"And we knew that..." reassured his daughter, nodding with an intent gaze, "...we know that."

"It's like one day I just turned around and you were all grown. My kids weren't kids anymore..." speaking with the heartache of a million father's Elliot added wistfully, "... and I'd missed it all."

"Like I said you didn't miss it all. You might feel like you did but it isn't true. Besides, we're all still here. We've all got a heap tonne more growing up to do before your job is done! And then there's Eli still so little..." shrugging with the suggestion Kathleen offered, "...things could be different with him."

"Yeah, yeah they could be." Replied Elliot grateful but not noncommittal.

"It wasn't bad for us, you know that right? We still had you. We understood. Kids understand more than the world gives them credit for and they're stronger than grownups most of the time. It's never too late to make up for lost time..." suddenly Elliot was in a lost time, in a daydreamed delivery room, holding Olivia's hand reassuringly, comforting her as Eve was brought into the world, "... it ain't over till it's over."

"You're an incredible young woman Kathleen Stabler..." smiled Elliot, reaching an arm around her and hugging her into him, "... maybe I did something right after all."

"You did _a lot _right, Daddy..." cuddling him close Kathleen remembered how no matter how late he had gotten home, how tired he was, he had always made her feel safe by his simple presence, "... you're the best Dad a daughter could ever have."

"I wish that were true, baby." Replied Elliot, attempting to hide the choke in his throat as he thought of the blue eyed, dark haired little doll sleeping somewhere across the city having closed her eyes without his recital of Goodnight Moon and father's kiss.

"It'll be okay. Whatever is going on between you and mom you'll figure it out..." reassured Kathleen, innocently, "... you always do."

* * *

><p>"You know I was honestly naive enough to believe my life would be easier once Bleeding Heart Benson went on maternity leave but strangely no..." narrowing her eyes and crossing her legs Judge Donnelly sighed with exasperation, "... you two are more than filling the void."<p>

"I just don't think it's right, that's all."

"Oh you have _more_ than made us all aware of that fact Casey." Replied Donnelly, her lips pursed as though it were physically painful to tolerate to two legal ingénues sometimes. "And what about you Ms Cabot? It'll be a cold day in hell before you pass up an opportunity to delight me with your opinion."

"I'm with Casey on this one."

"Wow. Well, well, well..." unable to hide a genuinely surprised smile Donnelly leant over her desk, "... maybe there _is_ going to be a chilly front in the Underworld after all."

"I just don't think that the victim ought to be punished for the simple fact that she was in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"I agree."

"We've established that." Shooting Casey down Donnelly wait a beat, giving her chance to scramble back to her feet. To her delight, and in her opinion at the hands of an excellent teacher, scramble she did.

"What I mean is that I think we not only have a duty to push this right to the wire but that it would be legally reprehensible not to. I know Cragen is dragging his feet but that's only because he's terrified of 1PP after what happened last time."

"You mean when you and Wile E. Coyote came in here and blindsided me with this same crap? Asked Donnelly, recalling the occasion Benson and Novak had played her like a violin and fixing Casey with a pointed stare.

"Detective Benson and I were right and proven so by the 25 years Harold Jenkins will spend in Sing Sing."

"Touché, Casey. Touché. Only this time things are different. The stakes are higher and you don't have the inimitable Olivia Benson to fight your warrior crusade with you..." extending her index finger to the leather chair in which David Hayden had been a million miles away throughout the entire meeting Judge Donnelly sighed, "... you've got _him _instead."

"We can do this, Liz..." syrup tongued but fierce in expression Alex entreated of her superior, "... please, let us try?"

"Fine, fine you have my sign off if you have his..." raising her voice for all the good it did Donnelly coughed, "... Mr Hayden?"

_"Hey, look what I found!"_

_"D how many more pieces of trash are you gonna comb off this beach?" chuckled Olivia teasingly, standing a little further up the sand from an excitable David Hayden. Pulling down her shirt and smoothing it over her swollen baby belly with one hand she opened her other palm and held it extended, "I'm collecting trophies like a regular little Olympian over here."_

_"This one's a shell. It's got all different colors in it, see?" wandering over to her David held out the undeniably pretty shell and smiled adoringly. "You getting tired?"_

_"No, no I'm good." She replied, her yawn only an indication of the fresh air doing its job rather than any need or desire to end their day early. _

_"I guess it figure that any woman who can run around the city on a justice crusade with Casey Novak all week can handle a weekend in the Vineyard without too much trouble..." and then, having brought it up at every possible juncture in recent weeks David didn't miss an opportunity to add, "... when are you finishing work again by the way?"_

_"By the way?" she asked with a cynical eyebrow arch. "Is that your best attempt at casually weaving that one in there?"_

_"I'm not very subtle, huh?"_

_"I'll know when I'm done. I'll know when I'm ready to start my leave. Right now though I'm a calmer, fitter, saner mom to this baby at the 1-6 than I would be going out of my mind with boredom at home all day."_

_"I hear you, I do. I just worry about you..." shrugged David, as they ventured far enough down the beach to meet with the lapping surf, "... I guess I just want everything to be perfect is all."_

_"It will be." Came the quick reassurance, almost too quick, from Olivia as she allowed the water to hit her bare toes ever so slightly._

_"You okay? Only the sand right here can be pretty..." though confident she could handle herself in the lightly sinking sand Olivia also knew how he fussed, knew how he cared, and so with a warm smile she reached out for his hand. _

_"Better?" she asked. _

_"Much." He echoed, wading out a little deeper with her. _

_"Oh, wow, the water is pretty cold today! I hope it doesn't..."_

_"ARGH!" yelled Olivia in shock as a deep rolling wave of icy ocean crashed in and caught them clear up their calves. David couldn't have been warmer however, as her hand squeezed his so tightly he dared to believe just for those few seconds that she might never let it go. They might be strong enough to do battle with the seemingly insurmountable odds stacked against their surviving happiness and come out the other side still holding hands. _

"Are we boring you David?" returning suddenly to reality and to Judge Donnelly's chambers David attempted to hide his flush of embarrassment.

"Sorry, sorry I was just..." in another world, another place, another time. A million miles away in a moment where anything had seemed possible and everything was wonderful.

"Are you in or out, Mr Hayden?"

"Would you excuse me? I have to make a call." He replied, making his exit swift so as to avoid the wrath of three women staring daggers of infuriation at him.

_"Hi, hey, it's me, it's David. Look I know everything is insane and nothing about any of this has been easy but I can't walk away yet. I've tried but you're all I think about. I have to see you. I have to talk to you one more time before I can let this go. Call me?"_

* * *

><p>"You just missed Fin."<p>

"I didn't come to see him." Replied Olivia, having materialised in the doorway of Cragen's office with Eve laid sleeping in the nook of one arm and a two coffee tray in the other.

"You want a hand with those?"

"Thanks..." she smiled, relieved, fearing the diaper bag might fall from her shoulder any minute and send hot liquid flying, "... even if I have pretty much gotten this mommy juggling act down."

"You're a natural." Said Cragen with a warm smile and not even a hint of glib in his statement. She was a radiant mother and he couldn't have been prouder of the beautiful child she was raising, whatever the circumstances. "So what brings you two here then? What's up, detective?"

"Nothing..." she shrugged, taking a perch on the chair opposite Don's as he wandered back around his desk and took a sip of coffee from his plastic cup, "... we were just in the neighbourhood."

"You found something other than the 1-6 that brings you to this part of town with a baby at 3.15 on a Tuesday?"

"Huh." She murmured, realising she ought to have known better than to attempt to outfox a man who knew her all too well.

"You're bored out of your mind, aren't you?" asked Cragen, lowering his drink to reveal a knowing little smile.

"I adore Evie and every single minute we spend together..."

"I'm no expert Liv, but it seems to me that the world is full of women who love their kids..." pausing for a moment he chose his words carefully, "... but who love their lives too."

"I guess."

"You gave your heart and soul to this job for most of your life. How you feel about it and how strongly you identify with the victims hasn't changed."

"But everything else has."

"You're an outstanding detective, Olivia."

"I can't come back." She breathed quietly, but the words had strength and resonance in the way she delivered them with such certainty.

"No?" was the short answer in reply that disarmed her slightly. She had expected him to be a little more taken aback, a little stronger in his curiosity; to look a little less like he already knew her reason why.

"Not now Detective Stabler is back at SVU." She clarified, giving him her eyes and remaining unblinking and unashamed.

"I see."

"Fin hasn't told you?" she had to admit, she was a little surprised. Don Cragen didn't miss a beat and underneath all his bluster and bravado Fin was gold hearted and loyal to a fault. She had just assumed his loyalty to Cragen would outweigh his loyalty to her. She had assumed wrong.

"Fin is a better friend that you give him credit for, Liv..." and then almost prophetically he added, "... and sooner or later you're going to have to start trusting people for a change."

"You don't seem shocked."

"Shocked? Olivia I'm barely surprised. In fact, honestly, it's a miracle of seismic proportion that either of your will power held out this long."

"Captain I don't know what to do..." shrugging, misty eyed and with that rasping voice that took a hold of Don Cragen's heart and wrung it out, "... what should I do?"

"Stop playing the victim."

"I..."

"Stop pretending that you didn't know all along that it would be this way. Elliot has been emotionally unfaithful to Kathy for the best part of 15 years and everyone in this squad knows it. If I'm honest deep down I probably knew it the first time I tried to hold his attention on that Cambodian orphan case your first day at the 1-6."

"Cap..." she flushed, embarrassedly.

"He couldn't keep his eyes off you but it could never happen. Not so long as he had a ring on his finger and a wife waiting at home. He was _never_ yours, Liv."

"I knew that. I know that."

"He's hers. He was _always_ hers. You might've had an affair but she had a marriage. She _still_ has a marriage. Don't pretend like you didn't know the score when you became involved with a married man."

"I suppose I deserve that." She acknowledged, excruciatingly.

"He's her husband and he wasn't yours to take but you took him anyway: that's your cross to bear. The guilt..." though his eyes were kind his words bore the brutal truth of consequence, the aftershocks of the hurricane she had been at the very epicentre of, "...that's the price you pay."

"I don't..." she faltered, feeling suddenly painfully self conscious and frustratingly tearful.

"He's a good man. He'd move heaven and earth for every one of his kids but don't hold him to a higher standard than you're willing to hold yourself..." softening slightly in his manner as he reached out and stroked the back of Eve's palm, smiling as it opened for him like a flower coming into bloom, "... it took two of you to bring Evie into this world."

* * *

><p><em>"El I'm sorry for pushing you so hard. It was wrong and I know none of this is easy for you either. Call me so I know you're okay? Liv x"<em>

"I've been worried about you."

"It's a little late to be showing concern for my welfare now, don't you think?" asked Kathy, setting down grocery bags on the kitchen counter as Elliot leant against the fridge watching her.

"It's been nearly two days."

"I needed some time."

"We need to talk."

"I went to my mom's for a couple of nights to get my head together and if you dare give me a hard time about it I swear I'll go straight back there..." sighing exhaustedly Kathy added, "... I only came back for the kids."

"Right." Nodded Elliot, following her lead though they both knew her statement was far from the truth. "I'm sorry."

"How did I not see this coming? How could I be that blind? Maybe I wasn't, maybe I knew. I guess if I'm honest what should be really shocking to me is that this didn't happen sooner..." rubbing her forehead wearily Kathy fell over the line that ought not to be crossed and added darkly, "... it was only ever going to be a matter of time before you gave it to Detective Benson."

"Don't talk about her like that, Kath."

"She slept with my husband and had his child. I can't talk about her however I damn well choose Elliot."

"I'm the one with the ring, not her. This isn't on Liv."

"Isn't it?" asked Kathy, unconvinced and indignant at his seemingly unconscious instinct to protect Olivia. "You know what's funny? You know most truly pathetic part in all of this is I can't even hate her. God knows I've tried because this would make all this _so much _easier but I can't. Olivia saved my life and Eli's too. More than that..." continued Kathy with serene absence of bitterness when she spoke if her husband's former partner, "... she saved your life a million times over."

"She was my partner, Kath. That's what she was supposed to do." Was as pathetic out loud as it had sounded in his head but he knew nothing of what to say for the best in this situation. He couldn't deny his he felt for Olivia but neither did he care to elaborate on it to his wife.

"I don't just mean from the guys with guns. I don't just mean on the job..." everything about her ached as she acknowledged, "... she saved you from yourself, Elliot."

"We're best friends."

"She brings out your better angels..." smiled Kathy, able if nothing else to at least acknowledge the simple beauty of that fact, "... she always has."

"Kathy..."

"So you see the worst part is that I can't even hate her."

"I don't know what to say. I don't know how to make this any more or less than it is for you. I don't know how to help. It's like a part of me wishes you'd just get mad, scream, shout, hit someone if you want to."

"That's _your_ answer to everything..." smiling fondly, despite everything she shrugged, "... but it's not mine."

"Where do we go from here, Kath?"

"I don't know. You say you want to help but you can't. Nothing can. If this was just a one night stand we were talking about, some woman you'd met drunk in a bar one night then maybe I could think straight and see past it but I don't know how to fight this."

"I know..." he sighed, knowing they were stuck in some strange hell. In a no man's land between what had gone before, what was now, and what would never be again.

"I'm afraid that our marriage is strong enough to overcome anything and anyone but not this..." shaking her head sadly she added, "... and _not_ Olivia.

* * *

><p>"El?" breathed Olivia, squinting against the hall light as she stood in the doorway of her dark apartment wearing only bed hair and an old t-shirt. "What happened?" she asked, noting after a few seconds that he was soaked to the skin and looked grey faced and awful.<p>

"It's raining." Were the only two words uttered in reply as she folded and unfolded her arms over her chest and frowned with concern.

"I can see that..." she said softly, reaching out and stroking away droplets of rain from his cheeks and nose.

"It's really raining." He echoed, his hand inclining instinctively to the warmth of her touch as the icicles of his bruised heart began to thaw.

"Kathy?" she almost croaked, seeing the sadness in his eyes and already having imagined a million times in her mind the conversations that must have been playing out in the Stabler household.

"She knows." He nodded, reaching to his face and laying his hand over hers against his cheek.

"I'm sorry..." she whispered, not knowing what else to offer him.

"I'm not..." he breathed, turning his face so his mouth was against her palm and his lips could press kisses against it, "... I'm not."

"What can I do?" she asked, as he freed both of his hands and coiled them around her waist. Hugging her into his chest he pinned her tightly to him, stroking her back with his hands and burying his face in the nook of her shoulder.

"Me."

"Elliot..." she moaned, his kisses hot on her neck as one hand pushed up the material of her t-shirt and skimmed her bare back and the other teased the back of her panties, "... are you okay? I mean it. I need to know you're alright?"

"I will be." He replied, shrugging off his jacket as she played with the buttons of his shirt and gave the door a thorough shove closed so that they might have their privacy.

"We're so messed up, El." Came the groan in reply as she tipped her head back and messy waves of curls danced down her back.

"No, no the situation is messed up..." he countered, encountering no protest as he lifted up her t-shirt and dragged it over her head before impatiently grabbing at her waist and dragging her back into his arms, "... but we're just the same as we always are."

"Caught between a rock and an even bigger rock?" she replied with a sarcastic roll of her eyes, sensing she ought to feel vulnerable standing in the middle of her living room in only panties and uncertainty. She didn't, however. She was wearing him.

"Speaking of big rocks..." he grinned, as she felt his meaning pressing against her.

"Oh my God that was _so bad_ Elliot!" she cried, scrunching her face up but unable to deny him an amused chuckle.

"_You're_ so bad."

"Stop it!" she implored laughing, as he attempted to kiss away her protest and dance her toward the bedroom.

"I can't." He said simply, holding her slightly away from him with one hand at the small of her back while tracing the other along her collar bone. Stroking his fingertips down her chest he cupped the flesh of her breast and the curve of her hip. "I couldn't..." he murmured, returning his hand to her face and kissing her with an intensity of passion that conveyed that which his next words verbalised, "...even if I wanted to."

"And do you?" she swallowed, skin hot and pulse racing as they fumbled into the bedroom and quickly removed his shirt and pants. "Want to?" she pushed, as his hands kneaded her buttocks hungrily and he threw her down on the bed with a roguish grin.

"What'd you think?" his face fell sombre as he stared down at her, blue eyes intent and piercing as he stood between her lightly parted legs at the edge of the bed.

"Your marriage, the family you had, everything you've known..." physical and emotional intensity overcoming her Olivia's eyes misted over and her voice broke, "... it's a hell of a lot, El."

"And you're everything I want..." he rasped gutturally, his hands on her, over her, in her as he attempted to convey to this breath taking woman at his fingertips just how much she moved him, "... you're a hell of a woman Olivia."

"I..."

"My life is a pile of crap right now. A messy, complicated, devastating pile of crap. I don't know what happens next. I don't know what tomorrow looks like let alone six months from now. All I do know is that when everything is worse than I ever thought it could be..." straddling her, but not crushing her with his full weight his elbows held their bodies a breath apart and their skin just touching, "... you make it better. Everything is better when I'm with you."

"I think about you..." she confessed softly, closing her eyes and holding herself back as his hands caressed her and his intention pressed hard against the tenderness of her inner thigh, "... all the time."

"Me too. You're in my veins, Liv..." he murmured, kissing her hotly as she took him in her hand and they writhed slowly together, "... you're how I breathe."

"I need you." She said simply, no more verbose with her emotions than he was at times.

"I need you too." He echoed, knowing that though he was certain of nothing else that one statement would always be fact.

"No..." came the heavy, heady moan as she bit hard on her bottom lip and opened dark daring chocolate eyes to meet his longingly, "... no I need you _now_ Elliot."


	30. The Union We Propose Is Dangerous I Know

"Hey, hey how about you lie a little stiller there for your old man? Oi! Wriggle butt quit that!" pinning Eve to the changing mat with a broad palm Elliot employed years of experience to a swift diaper change. "You sure didn't make that easy Minnie Mouse."

"Gah!" Deliriously indifferent to his frustration Eve bathed in her father's undivided attention and held her mouth open excitedly as her rosy apple cheeks rounded in what couldn't be described as anything other than a smile.

"Come on then little dude, let's go get you a bottle and see what mom keeps around here for breakfast." Scooping her up onto his chest Elliot wandered into the kitchen and fetched her milk from the fridge. While it warmed he nosed around in the cupboards and retrieved a box of crunchy cereal to munch on while Eve fed. "These look good. I always had mom pegged as a juice and coffee kind of breakfaster, but these are so good."

"Oof." Blowing hungry bubbles between her lips Eve leaned out from his chest and grabbed for the milk he was testing against his wrist.

"Hang fire, baby girl. We gotta check this isn't gonna burn your little mouth off first. Nope, no I think we're good..." padding to the sofa he settled them between the nutty cornflake box and a wad of pillows, reaching for the remote before sliding Eve into the crook of his arm and letting her start to feed, "..._there_ we go. Now let's see what's on for us to watch at this ungodly hour of the morning."

As Eve hiccupped against the bottle teat he smiled amusedly, helping her settle again as he flicked through the channels of Oliva's television. "Oh here we go. The original Superman. This one is a classic Mouse we gotta watch this. Basically, since we're coming into this an hour or so in all you need to know is that we're team Superman and he's awesome. He goes around saving people and fighting the bad guys. I mean granted things get a little scary sometimes and kryptonite is as bigger pain in his ass as 1PP is in mine but you don't really need to worry. Everything comes good in the end. I'm just gonna give you that heads up now."

"I..." began Olivia as she wandered out the bedroom, but then held her tongue on overhearing the conversation taking place on the sofa.

"Oh and that lady there? That's Lois Lane. She helps Superman fight the bad guys. I guess a little like your mom helps me..." with that little boy smile that melted Olivia every time Elliot added fondly, "... in fact they're both pretty bad ass when you..."

"Lois Lane?" asked Olivia, lifting her eyebrows cynically. "Seriously?"

"What? You'd rather be Lex Luthor?" teased Elliot, his blood running hot as Olivia wandered over wearing only his loosely buttoned blue shirt. "I called you bad ass, didn't I?"

"You wanna tell her again how I just help _you_ fight the bad guys?" rolling up the sleeves of his shirt to her elbows Olivia flopped down onto the sofa beside them and kissed Eve goodmorning. "But Evie knows mama wears the pants really doesn't she?"

"Not right now she doesn't..." replied Elliot, running his hand up Olivia's thigh and realizing all over again just how lucky he had gotten.

"So I know why Daddy's shirtless..." she grinned as Elliot leaned over and kissed her smile, "... but what happened to you, baby girl?"

"I'm not a fan of poppers." Replied Elliot honestly, never in the raising of five children having had the patience to deal with baby clothes and all the nimble attention to detail they required.

"I see..." cooed Olivia, leaning over to stroke Eve's bare little belly as she suckled hungrily on her bottle, "... and I also see where you're eyes are right now Detective Stabler."

"Can you blame a guy?" defended Elliot, retrieving his gaze from Olivia's ample cleavage as his shirt gaped open in a low V.

"Not in front of the baby..." sitting upright she moved her lips to his, kissing them with a gentle but desirous affection and trying desperately to heed her own caution, "... it's weird."

"I think she can handle knowing how bad ass I think you are..." wriggling his arm free from between them Elliot reached it around Olivia's shoulders and drew her into a three way cuddle with him and Eve, "... can't you Mouse?"

"Because I'm the Lois Lane to your Superman you mean?" she mocked with playful derision, kicking her legs up onto the sofa and burying them beneath her. "You okay?" she asked cautiously, turning her head and murmuring against his jaw. "You don't have to talk about it I just need you to know I'm here."

"I know."

"Last night was..." closing her eyes and exhaling in remembered ecstasy Olivia opened them to meet his gaze and acknowledged, "... but it doesn't fix anything."

"I know."

"How did she take it? Kathy? How did she react?"

"Honestly?" sighed Elliot wearily.

"Always." Replied Olivia without hesitation.

"Like she'd been waiting for us to do this to her for 13 years."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"You know I've talked to Fin and to Cragen and it's like even when they didn't know they did."

"Rollins too, and Munch."

"Was it that obvious? That everyone else could see what was happening but the two of us? When did they all know we were more than partners?" she asked, turning over in her mind at what moment she herself had realised.

"Gitano."

"What?" she breathed, shuddering at an echo of terror from the past.

"That's when I knew." Shrugged Elliot, as Eve finished her bottle and he brought her up onto his shoulder to burp her.

"Sealview." She said simply, memories of sickening fear washing over her at an equally horrific memory.

"Yeah?" he asked, not really having ever gone there with her.

"I was terrified. Of what Harris was going to do to me, of never getting out of there, of not being able to survive it even if I did. Worse than all of that though..." she recalled, her voice at a rasping low, "... you know the one thing that scared me the most? The only thing I could think about?"

"What?" he asked, turning to her and searching her sad eyes.

"What if I never see you again?"

"I wish I could've been there. I wish I could've stopped it. I wish..."

"El tell me that it's gonna be okay?" she asked, knowing that she had overcome the terrors of her past and it was her present that scared her now. "Lie to me if you have to but make me believe that stand a chance?"

"You know how I make myself believe it?" asked Elliot, neither willing nor able to make her that kind of promise. Neither one of them knowing what lay ahead.

"How?" she asked, strangely appreciative that he didn't immediately offer profuse reassurances of their being able to achieve a fairytale happy ending.

"I look at her..." shrugged Elliot, tickling his fingers lightly against Eve's belly and watching her little face light up like a thousand grinning suns, "... and I figure there's still hope yet."

* * *

><p>"How about this one?"<p>

"No."

"This one?"

"Okay so you get that we're shopping for a wedding gift, right?" asked Olivia with a wry eyebrow raise at the bland items Fin was picking out and offering up as suggestions. "I'm not entirely sure what you think Ken and his partner are gonna do with that but I'm pretty sure they won't have a clue."

"I ain't never done this kind of thing before..." protested Fin, running his hand along a selection of coordinating towels and tutting, "... so stop sucking lemons Livvy B."

"Not a name that's gonna stick." She warned, lest he be in any doubt.

"So can I take the absence of Little Lady as a sign that progress is being made with dad?" asked Fin casually as they wandered into the next department of the colossal store.

"Evie's with Elliot if that's what you mean..." breezed Olivia with equal nonchalance, not rising to his bait, "... they've gone to buy a new garbage disposal for my apartment."

"Wow, Stabler really knows how to treat baby girl to a day out!" chuckled Fin sarcastically.

"Are you kidding me?" scoffed Olivia lightly, tossing her eyes with a fond smile. "Shopping with her dad for something that makes stuff magically disappear and makes a crap load of noise doing it?" tilting her head sideways and recalling Eve's excitement at every moment she got to spend with her father Olivia added, "It's my kids idea of heaven."

"Is she gonna put daddy's wife in her shiny new garbage disposal?" asked Fin with a kind but pointed delivery. "Make her magically disappear?"

"Fin..." warned Olivia, though she had to give him credit where it was due for his dark wit.

"Just sayin' baby cakes."

"Well don't just say _baby cakes_..." pinning him with her dark eyes she conveyed the sincerity of her warning to back off but softened it sighing, "... and I'm working on it, alright?"

"You couldn't get Kathy Stabler out the picture even if you _did_ have magic on your side..."cautioned Fin, eternally realistic, "... you do realise that?"

"He told her, Fin..." shrugging as the full realisation of just what Elliot had done at her request Olivia sighed, "... El told Kathy that Evie is his daughter."

"Dang, girl."

"It's a step in the right direction at least."

"That ain't a step, Liv. It's a giant freakin' leap..." and then came the next logical question, "... and how's she taking it?"

"How would you take it if you found our your husband of a zillion years cheated on you with his ex partner and got her pregnant?"

"That good huh."

"Honestly I have no idea where any of this is going but I'm pretty sure I'm no longer on the Stabler Christmas card list."

"Hey, what does this say?" asked Fin, holding up a culinary gadget hopefully. "Does it say your old man is supportive and accepting of this thing you're doing here?"

"Fin it's an apple slicer."

"Yeah, what of it?"

"It says your old man likes his fruit segmented."

"Its rainbow coloured."

"No, just no."

"I don't know what a person buys two dudes for their wedding present."

"Not an apple slicer. I can get you that far."

"Am I uncomfortable with the idea? Is that what's going on here?" suddenly in the middle of a crowded department store Fin's faltering confidence as a father resurfaced, and swept him up in a tornado of doubt, "Am I a lousy father?"

"No, no you're just a lousy shopper honey... " reassured Olivia, reaching out and squeezing his hand, "... Ken knows you're on his side. He knows he has your support and acceptance."

"Yeah?" tested Fin, unashamed to need the depth of reassurance their friendship brought him in that moment.

"Yeah, yeah you just need to stop looking for gift ideas in the food prep aisle..." linking his arm and propelling him forward Olivia smiled warmly, "... and you're good."

"That you?"

"No." Lied Olivia as a cell phone ring rang out and interrupted their moment.

"Your purse always vibrate and make that bring, bring noise?"

"It'll return it later."

"Hayden again?" guessed Fin. Knowing he was accurate from her pained expression he sighed, "You know you're gonna have to return his calls sooner or later. If it's only to tell him to stop trying. It's gonna be hell awkward the next time you need the EADA's stamp of approval otherwise."

"Back off Fin." She warned, watching him lift a foot to step over a line even he wasn't permitted to cross.

"Liv the dude deserves a conversation at least..." finding her Achilles heel, her conscience, he added, "... doesn't he?"

"You're a pain in my ass Odafin."

"Call him now..." scanning the store directory Fin narrowed his eyes to read the department floors and added casually, "... then come meet me in soft furnishings. Maybe I can get some nice throw cushions."

"Not a sentence I ever thought I'd hear you say..." she quipped drily, submitting to his guilt trip and grudgingly acknowledging he was right, "... but fine, fine I'll be right there."

* * *

><p>"I wish that you'd returned my calls sooner."<p>

"I'm here now aren't I?" replied Olivia, defensive and not knowing what else to say as she stood in David Hayden's office having finally responded to his summons two days later.

"Olivia when we first started dating we stood in your kitchen and do you remember what I said you?"

"I..." she remembered, but was a little uncertain as to where he was headed with the recollection.

"I told you that I could handle anything. I told you that I wasn't going anywhere. I meant it. I might have hesitated, I might have taken a moment to figure out how to swim to the surface again after everything that's happened lately but I'm here. I'm here now..." he spoke calmly, assuredly, with a sense of gravity the like of which she had never known before and it was captivating, "... and if you'll let me it's where I'd like to stay."

"David what are you saying?" she asked, never needing clarity more.

"I'm saying that for a few perfect but short-lived moments before Elliot Stabler came back into your life I had everything I ever wanted. Everything I'd been waiting for. A beautiful, bright, crazy smart little girl and the mother she inherited it all from."

"D..."

"I want it all again with you Olivia. I let you go without putting up enough of a fight and I'll never forgive myself for it if it means I lose you because I can give you things he _never_ can. I can give you a life. A house, a family, holidays together, vacations at the beach and the promise that along with my kids you will _always_ come first..." it was fighting talk, for sure, and the EADA was bringing his full arsenal, "... you and Eve."

"This is insane. This is crazy. It's..."

"I've just been offered a job in the DA's office in Boston. We can get you a transfer and we can find a place for three of us to live. They're crying out for experienced detectives in the SVU up there and this position they're offering me means I can work from home most of the time..." reaching for her hand he added softly, "... so I can take care of Eve while you go back to work."

"David I don't know what to say I..."

"Say yes, Olivia. Say you'll come to Boston with me. Say you'll start a life with me. Say you'll forgive me for hesitating and not doing this sooner..." taking her breath away as, still holding onto her hand David got down on one knee and retrieved a small black jewellery box from his jacket pocket that opened to reveal a modest but dazzling diamond, "... and say that you'll marry me?"


	31. It's All Push And Pull Collateral

_**Only a shortie since i've been soo busy lately, sorry! The next one will be a bumper chapter to compensate :)**_

* * *

><p>"How do we do this?"<p>

"I don't know."

"What are we even trying to do?" asked Kathy, shaking her head sadly and feeling as though she were dragging herself through tar. "What happens now?"

"I don't know." Echoed Elliot, equally at sea.

"I still love you. I love you, Elliot, and we have five kids. Neither of those two things are ever going to change."

"I..." began Elliot, as though shuffling ever closer to the precipice of a vast abyss.

"I would never take away a child's parent so I won't even go there with trying to stop you seeing the baby..." surprising him with her benevolent candour Kathy was quick to add, "... but that's where we draw the line."

"Line?" he ought, he realised, to have been expecting the other shoe to drop.

"You meet purely to hand over the baby for whatever visitation you agree on. You don't see her socially. You don't work with her in that precinct. You don't..."

"Kath..."

"Of course the kids will know about the baby. We'll explain it to them in words they understand and make it clear she's innocent in all of this. She isn't about to take their Dad away from them because I _know_ that's where their minds will go right off the bat, even the older ones. In time even Eli will get used to the idea that every other weekend you have six kids."

"I have six kids every second of every day Kathy..." cautioned Elliot, sensing they were venturing into uncertain and dangerous territory, "... and I'm not so sure we're on the same page here."

"I know I said things. I know I made out like it was all over but I was just in shock. Now I've had some time to think and process all this I realise that we can get past this. If we're both willing to do whatever it takes then we can survive this El. I know we can. We can just put the whole messy business behind us and move on."

"I was with another woman Kathy."

"I know that."

"I had a _child_ with someone else."

"Do you really think I might have somehow been able to forget that fact?" challenged Kathy pointedly.

"Do you really think we can be so clinical about this? Like if we plan it all down to the last letter somehow it'll change the facts? We can pretend like everything is fixed?"

"If you can I can."

"Kathy!"

"The question is do you want to?" it really, truly was the question and Elliot was far from ready to answer it. He had come at their marriage with a wrecking ball and somehow she had managed to piece together the shattered fragments almost miraculously. The cracks, however, were irreparable.

"I think I need some time to process all of this."

"Time isn't the problem here, is it Elliot? The problem is that you don't _want_ to fix this do you?"

"I don't know what I want right now..." was the truth, he realised, so confused was he by the emotional intensity of the past few months, "... this is a lot for us all to get our heads around."

"You were always too close."

"What?" he asked, knowing he had no right to be indignant at her tone but feeling so anyway.

"I knew it for the longest time but I said nothing. I did nothing. I understand this connection you have. I do. I get it. You were partners for so long and the things you saw together are unimaginable to everyone else."

"I..."

"I forgive you, El. I forgive you. It was one stupid, drunken moment of weakness that you regret and it's okay. It's okay. Everyone makes mistakes and God knows I have over the years. We're all human. No one is perfect and I understand."

"No, no you don't." Replied Elliot slowly, wishing it were all that simple. Wishing he could indulge her version of reality.

"People cheat Elliot. It happens at the time but it's not the end. I know I said we couldn't get past this but we can, a relationship as strong as ours can handle anything. It was just an affair but we have three decades of marriage and we can survive this!"

"It wasn't just an affair." He spoke slowly, gruff voiced and every word laced with poignant emotion and a tangible profundity of love.

"El..."

"It was weak and selfish and I'm not proud of the vows I've broken or the way I've betrayed our family but I won't hurt you anymore by pretending it was any less than it was..." and then, watching his wife's heart break reflecting in her teary eyes Elliot added, "... and it wasn't _just_ an affair."

"You're in love with her, aren't you?" asked Kathy, the beauty and the tragedy of it all in one uncomplicated question.

* * *

><p>"I got your message."<p>

"I wouldn't if I were you..." cautioned Olivia, as Elliot leant over the pram and went to pick Eve up, "... she's cranky as hell this afternoon."

"I haven't seen her in four days Liv..." ignoring her warning Elliot wrapped broad palms around Eve's little torso and hoisted her from the stroller, "... I don't care _how_ cranky she is."

"Fine, fine but if she won't settle again..." realising the baby was not the only one who was cranky Olivia sighed wearily and apologized, "... sorry, sorry that's not fair. She's just been awake for hours screaming two nights running and I'm losing my mind."

"Teeth can be a real bitch to grow, can't they baby girl?" pressing kisses against Eve's hot little cheek Elliot cuddled her empathetically.

"How are you anyways?"

"Honestly?" shrugged Elliot, not even knowing where to start as they set off at a casual stroll through the park. "Things are about as bad as they possibly could be at home. It's so complicated. Kathy isn't taking this the way I thought she was. I don't even know where we stand anymore. The kids are starting to panic ever since Dickie overheard us talking at the weekend. He started stirring things up with the girls and Eli's been wetting the bed every night."

"I see." Swallowed Olivia, culpability crippling her.

"I guess it was only a matter of time before the reality started to sink in for all of us." Acknowledged Elliot, seeing her struggle but knowing there was indeed blame to share. They had done something that couldn't be undone and however they looked at it there was no way of escaping that. He couldn't love Eve enough to absolve his kids of their pain, nor Olivia enough to lessen what they had done to Kathy. There was no way to pay this one forward.

"I guess."

"I think I'm gonna have to spend some more time at home this week. Just until things calm down a little. I hate not seeing Mouse ever day but this is _destroying_ my other kids and I need them to know the world isn't over. I need them to know I haven't brought the sky down on them..." then, pensively, he added, "... no matter how much I know they feel like it is and that it's all my fault."

"They believed their family was invincible..." pursing her lips and taking a long, steadying breath Olivia murmured, "...we proved them wrong."

"What is it? Liv talk to me..." stopping in his tracks he turned to her and, watching her lean heavily on the stroller as she gathered herself he added hervously, "... what's in your head right now?"

"My apartment is too small."

"Okay..."

"As soon as Evie starts to crawl and walk it'll be hell. There's no room for her to grow there and it's no space to raise a toddler in. The kid's bedroom is a glorified closet and I'm not even sure I can fit a full sized bed in there for her."

"So you find a bigger place?" offered Elliot, knowing things could not be so easily resolved but needing to say something at least.

"On a NYPD wage?" doubted Olivia bleakly.

"You'll find something."

"Not unless I go straight back to work and start bringing in money again and who the hell is gonna pay for child care. What child care could even handle SVU hours?"

"Where is this all coming from, Liv?" he asked, sensing there was a deeper issue at hand.

"I grew up alone and it was fine but maybe I want things to be different for Evie. Maybe she could have a sibling or..."

"Okay seriously, what is this all about?" pushed Elliot, overwhelmed with a drowning sensation that was unaided by Olivia's frank reply.

"David Hayden wants me to marry him and move to Boston."


	32. Boston Ain't Her Kind Of Town

"What the fuck?"

"El watch your language in front of her." Warned Olivia, as Elliot staggered backward a little from the stroller and held his forehead in thunderstruck disbelief.

"You tell me you're gonna marry David asshat Hayden and I get to say fuck!" he challenged with a dark anger, a brooding burning resentment of her spurning of his strangled love.

"I never said I was going to..."

"You really think I'm just gonna sit on my ass while you take Mouse off to live happily ever after in Boston? You're cracked, Liv. You're insane and..."

"Elliot for God's sake just hear what I..."

"No!" he yelled, holding his hand out to her in a firmly silencing motion. "No, no I can't talk to you about this right now. How dare you, Olivia. How _dare_ you pull this crap with me after the hell I've been through with my family for you."

"That isn't fair, El! It was for _both _of us that you..." flustered by the intensity of his obvious rage Olivia swallowed hard, "... and I'm only telling you this now because I wanted to..."

"Blackmail me? Force me even more into a corner than you already have? I have _five_ children who are having the crap beaten out of them by what we did and now you have the **audacity** to threaten me with marrying the douche you've been keeping on the sub bench just in case?"

"That isn't fair!"

"Isn't it?" he spat, reality howling in her ears. Deafening her with its brutal truth as Elliot bore into her soul with blue eyes white hot with zealous rage "Isn't it?"

"I..."

"I'm taking Mouse to feed the ducks alone..." cutting her brusquely from their playdate plans Elliot took hold of the stroller handles and added, "... we'll be back at your place for six as usual."

* * *

><p>"I didn't know where else to go. I'm sorry."<p>

"Don't be sorry, baby..." assured Fin, ushering a visibly stricken Olivia into the privacy of the crib and closing the door firmly behind them, "... what's going on?"

"I..." she faltered, setting Eve's car seat down on the floor and then leaning against one of the bunks and forcing herself to take a breath.

"Liv?" moving over to her and resting his hand on her back Fin rubbed soothingly. "What the hell?"

"David proposed."

"What the fuck?"

"I wish that was the first time I'd heard someone say that today." She half exhaled half groaned as she turned back around to face Fin with misty eyes and confusion. "I don't love him the way he loves me but what's more is he _knows _it. He knows it and he asked anyway. Worse he knows as well as I do that it has _always_ been Elliot."

"Huh." Buying himself time before he truly had to opine Fin simply huffed.

"It's just too complicated to ever work out. He's a married, catholic, father of five and it's all just completely impossible on so many levels."

"Nothing is impossible." Ventured Fin, but deep down knowing any chance of a happily ever after for Benson and Stabler was a reality as close to impossible as anything could come.

"In a perfect world where that's true it'd be Elliot asking me to start a new life in Boston but..."

"What? Wait..." a little startled Fin's dark brown eyes widened sadly, "... Boston?"

"David took a job in the DA's office up there."

"Boston, are you for real?" marvelled Fin, shaking his head regretfully.

"Look at her, Fin..." gesturing to the floor where Eve slept soundly in her car seat Olivia tortured herself, "... she's perfect. She's so bright and smart and funny. What if I kill that? What if I ruin her with my tiny single girl apartment and all my abandoned bitterness?"

"That won't ever happen."

"She has no idea how cruel this world can be yet. She hasn't got a clue about pain and loss and living day in day out wanting the one person you care most about in the world to be happy but knowing she's just too crippled by her ghosts and loneliness to ever break free and..."

"You're not your mother, Liv..." cutting to the quick Fin's kind smile reassured her as he added, "... and Evie isn't you."

"I used to dream of a slamming screen door, a busy kitchen and a back yard full of screaming kids to play with. I wanted that life so badly and I made myself swear that if I ever had a child of my own they'd have the family I never did. That I wouldn't raise them alone in a shoebox in the city."

"That's pretty powerful stuff, doll..." acknowledged Fin before challenging, "... but is it enough to sell yourself in marriage to a man you don't love?"

"David is a good man. He loves me and he loves Evie."

"He's not the one _you're_ in love with though."

"The one I'm in love with already has a wife. He has five kids and a family, a whole life. He has the slamming screen door and busy kitchen and yard full of screaming kids..." it physically pained her to add, "... with Kathy."

"El is her father. You can't change that."

"Nor would I ever want to. I would _never_ stop him seeing Eve and..."

"You can't move to Boston."

"I'm not naive I just..."

"Do you even know how freakin' far Boston is from the city?" asked Fin, no longer caring for her soul searching only his own wounded heart.

"Not so very far it's..."

"200 miles."

"Yeah, yeah I guess that's probably..."

"That's four hours on the road with no traffic or on a plane I can't afford. How often d'ya reckon I'm gonna get to see baby girl if you haul your asses up there?"

"Fin..." melting at the rawness in his hurt expression Olivia poured apology from her eyes.

"Forget it, okay. Marry him or don't marry him, move or don't move..." sloping to the door and snarling his capped teeth to hide his bruising Fin shrugged, "... ain't nothing to me."

* * *

><p>"You already knew, didn't you?"<p>

"She talks to me, bro..." shrugged Fin, refusing to make it an issue, "... you know that."

"I did everything she asked. Ever since I found out Mouse was mine I have jumped through _every_ hoop she's set and this is what I get?" asked Elliot with weary disbelief as he sat with his friend on the end of a bar a few days later, "A casual announcement she's gonna marry Hayden?"

"Ain't nothing casual about any of this."

"No?" asked Elliot, doubtful.

"Don't be idiot enough to think for a minute she's doing this to spite you. Be pissed as all hell at her for considering it because I know I sure am..." speaking the truth no matter how much it pained him to acknowledge it Fin took a swig from his bottle and added, "... but this ain't blackmail. She ain't no game player. She wouldn't ever have gone looking for Hayden if he hadn't come back into her life with all his dreams of fairytale happy endings and lifetime security for that child."

"He didn't kidnap her though. The hesitation is all Liv. She's _seriously _thinking about marrying that sack of hot air."

"And can you blame her?" asked Fin, surprising himself along with Elliot.

"I thought you were on my side?" joked Elliot, though it packed a deeper punch.

"I'm on _her_ side, bro. David Hayden might be a little douchey but he's also a calm, rational, mild mannered guy offering her a life of security, stability and normalilty. It's the golden trifecta for any wrung out single mom..." then poignantly Fin paused before adding, "... let alone Liv."

"She isn't a single mom. I'm _right there _and she knows it."

"Dude you're not right there at all, you're at home with Kathy and your other kids."

"That isn't fair."

"Life isn't fair."

"Thanks, thanks that really helps." Muttered Elliot with a dark quip.

"Are you ever gonna leave Kathy for her? Have you even thought about how you would even make that happen? Are you even down with the idea in all your catholic self righteousness?"

"Fin..." warned Elliot.

"When you look into the future are you living together and raising that baby as equal parents or do you still just swing by on weekends? In the five years time you're imagining does Liv have a family?"

"I..."

"Because in the one Hayden's imagining she does." Was the brutal, devastating reality that took hold of Elliot's heart and squeezed it till he thought it might burst out from his chest.

"I love her."

"So fight for her. Fight that lily ass lawyer and go get our girls..." then, because he loved them too, more profoundly than he was even himself able to comprehend Fin added, "... but only if you've got follow through."

"It's complicated..."

"No it isn't. I hate the thought of Liv taking baby girl to Boston every bit as much as you do but I'll stand back and let them go if it makes her happy. She deserves the family she never had bro and if you ain't _never_ gonna be able to give her that then maybe you gotta think real carefully before standing between her and a guy who can."

* * *

><p>"Thanks for coming out. I would've come met you but I didn't want to drag Evie across town in this state."<p>

"She's still fussy?" asked Elliot with concern, entering Olivia's apartment and removing his jacket.

"Good hours and bad hours. I put a fan on in her room and she's managed to nap a while this afternoon but she's a sad, sad little thing trying to cut these damn teeth."

"Anything I can do?" asked Elliot, their previous fighting and tensions melted away with the sheer strength of the love they both shared for Eve.

"I'm open to suggestions..." shrugged Olivia, opening herself up to the vulnerability of recognizing he was the vastly more experienced parent, "... her gums are red raw and her little cheeks are so hot and flush."

"We used to run a flannel under cold water and let the kids suck on it when they were going through this..." smiling slightly Elliot added gently, "... it helped."

"Great, great thanks I'll try that next time she's screaming."

"I can help, Liv."

"I..."

"I can do this with you. I can. All you gotta do is call and I swear to God I'll break laws and land speed records to get here. I might be far from perfect but I am a _good_ father."

"I have never doubted that Elliot. Not for a second."

"I can't move mountains. I can't melt away an entire lifetime over night."

"I know that."

"I can't promise you the white picket fences and picture perfect family that David Hayden can."

"El..."

"I have five other kids and that isn't ever going to change. I gotta think about them too. I won't let them feel like one day I just ran out on them to start a new family. It's too cruel."

"I never wanted your kids to get hurt in all of this I swear..." and then because it needed stating, it needed overstating Olivia ducked a little to catch his eyes on hers, "... I swear it."

"But I'm not pretending things are ever going to be anything other than they already are between Kathy and me. We were over a long, long time ago but we've just been clinging onto some sad, sorry dream of yesterday. Now we're nothing but two tired old friends who are too scared to let their family start unravelling at the seams."

"Oh El..." closing her eyes and realising for the first time the profound, devastating sadness that was the state of the Stablers' marriage.

"But you and me, Liv?" he murmured, reaching for her hands and feeling them tremble as he held them. "You and me?" he echoed, shaking his head and staring at her with a hopeless, helpless love beyond time and space, "That's something you only get once in a lifetime."

"What are you saying?"

"I know you Olivia Benson. I love you more than I will ever be able to say, more than I will probably ever even know. What's worse is I know you so well that it's killing me. It's tearing me apart inside because I know just how badly you want, how badly you _need_ that I might never be able to give you. I have no idea how long it'll be before Kathy and I are really over, before I can manage anything more than what we have already."

"Then I'll wait." She said boldly, though her voice quivered as she spoke.

"I'll do every other weekend with Evie as a bare minimum. More whenever I can. I'll take her to the beach, around the park, to ball games. I'll slowly introduce her to my other kids and be there for everything I possibly can."

"El no..."

"But the rest of the time she'll have the white picket fence and picture postcard family she deserves..."

"Elliot!" she gasped, knowing what he was about to say before the words escaped his lips.

"Go to Boston, Liv."

"No."

"Go to Boston."

"No!" she cried hoarsely, a choke in her voice but unwavering determination in her eyes.

"Go to Boston you stubborn ass woman. Go get the family you always dreamed of..." his teeth and jaw were clenched so tightly Elliot could feel his pulse in his gums, and his head throbbed as he staved off tears and managed, "... go get your life."

"You are my family..." she whispered ever so quietly, her hands gravitating to him as she lay one over his heart and allowed the other to stroke gently at his neck, "... you and Evie."

"But..."

"I don't want any life without you in it."

"Liv..."

"David Hayden left for Boston on the red eye this morning..." she half laughed half cried, "...alone."

"You turned him down?" asked Elliot incredulous, searching her face for that which had been there all along if he'd only looked long and close enough to really see. "Why?"

"I guess because when my head finally caught up with my heart I realised..." fumbling to verbalise the turmoil she had endured since David's proposal Olivia finally achieved clarity, "... that I'd rather raise our daughter in a shoebox here with you than a mansion in Boston with him."

"I'll leave Kathy."

"El I swear that isn't what I..."

"I know, but I will. I don't know how but I swear to you as soon as I can stop that house falling in around my kids' ears I will leave her..." reaching to his face for her hand he held it tight, drawing her into his arms and hugging her as he murmured the vow in her ear, "... I will leave her for you."

"I was wrong to push you Elliot. You're the one with everything to lose here and I should never have even told you about David's proposal. I guess I just forgot for a minute that I need to just trust you. Trust this. Trust us and..." lowering her eyes with sad acceptance Olivia sighed, "... and that we're strong enough to walk the long, long road ahead of us."

"Are you really ready for that?" he tested uneasily. Holding her at the small of her back and staring deep into her eyes he questioned, "Can you honestly handle how long it might take me to get even _close_ to being able to give you what Hayden could?"

"Yes."

"Liv..."

"Because you and me?" as he recognized his own words being echoed back at him Elliot's lips drew to a smile, and she traced it with her fingertips adding, "That's something you only get _once_ in a lifetime."


	33. The Shape Of Things To Come

"Her name is Eve."

"You have _got_ to be kidding me?" scoffed Maureen Stabler, her face the picture of disgust as she sat around the dining table with her parents and siblings.

"I know you're gonna have a lot of questions and that's okay because..."

"I have one. I have a question. Where were you in sex ed class?"

"Maureen!" cringed Lizzie, her cheeks flushing.

"No love without the glove unless you're Elliot Stabler looking to ruin his family, huh Dad?" continued his eldest child, eyes white with hot fury as she pinned her father to the wall for his weakness.

"I knew it." Said Dickie slowly, having taken a few moments to process all that Elliot had told them of his situation with Olivia and the existence of a half sibling. "I knew it _years_ ago when I was at your work. I saw you two. I knew. I was just too much of an asshat kid to realise..."

"Buddy that was a long time ago, things were different." Attempting to appease his son and to prevent his daughters from spiralling into panic that their entire childhoods' had been a lie Elliot added, "It wasn't the same back then."

"I'm not surprised either."

"I know you would never have done this with anyone else but Olivia." It was touching to both parents to see that, despite her teenage years, Kathleen had come out the other side of rebellion the most empathetic and grounded of all five children.

"Is that supposed to make us feel better Katie?"

"At least it wasn't just some hooker he met in a bar Maureen!" prickled the middle sister, not appreciating her elder sibling's tone.

"Watch your tongues girls..." cautioned Kathy, gentle yet firm, "... it's still your father we're talking about here."

"It's okay, Kath. I think given the circumstances they get a free pass. Say what you want, guys. Let it all out."

"Well I'm fine." Stated Kathleen, both Kathy and Elliot quite believing she really was. Moving from her seat at the table she came to stand behind Elliot and, draping herself around his shoulders hugged his neck tightly, "I forgive you and I love you."

"Thank you, Katie..." swallowed Elliot, forcing past the choking ball of emotion in his throat, "... you have no idea how much that..."

"Why? Why do you forgive him? Why does he get off so easily?"

"We should probably ask Olivia that..." quipped Maureen darkly, shooting her brother a cynical glance.

"Maureen!" came Kathy's voice from the sidelines, still able to acknowledge a line crossed even in the circumstances.

"We all make mistakes, isn't that right Dad?" asked Kathleen, as Eli charged down the stairs and threw himself into Kathy's knees as she stood leaning against the wall.

"So now what?" asked Dickie. Watching his younger brother wander around them, weaving in and out of his family until finally clambering up onto Elliot's knee he sadly added, "What happens now?"

"Do we have to play happy families with Olivia and your little brat?" asked Maureen tartly, as Elliot's heart ached.

"Okay rein in it Maureen..." narrowing her eyes warningly at her first born Kathy added, "... the baby didn't cause any of this."

"No, no Dad did." Came the curt reply as Maureen shoved her chair out from under the table and stormed from the house.

* * *

><p>"It's open!"<p>

"Jeez..." marvelled Fin, twisting his face into a disgusted expression as he entered the chaos of Olivia's apartment to be hit by the the heady scent of colic and maternal desperation, "... Good Morning Vietnam!"

"Don't..." groaned Olivia, her hair falling out of a messy pile at the nape of her neck as she toted a screaming Eve across a cluttered kitchen to retrieve a newly cold teething ring from the refrigerator, "... _do not_ even go there Odafin."

"What the hell is going on in here girls?" he asked, picking his way across the living room and collecting up a handful of discarded bibs and onesis as he went. "And where do we keep the laundry detergent?"

"Fin you don't have to..."

"She okay?" he asked, ignoring her protest and loading the washing machine. "Only you both look like you're having kind of a rough time."

"She's been like this for days. I took her to the paediatrician yesterday and apparently she's been blessed with an ear infection as well as new teeth..." explained Olivia with a sarcastic tone as she pinned Eve to her chest, held her fast against her heart and rocked her with a firm tenderness, "... so yeah, yeah we're having a swell time aren't we baby girl?"

"They give her some meds?" asked Fin, tidying things away in the kitchen before removing his leather jacket and throwing it over the couch. "Give you something to help her?"

"Yeah, yeah she was great we've just gotta ride it out now apparently. She does settle eventually but..."

"Okay..." rolling up the sleeves of his long sleeved tee Fin flashed a smile and demanded, "... hand her over."

"Thanks but I'm fine..." insisted Olivia, as a fractious Eve chewed miserably on her teething ring and blew sad little bubbles from pursed lips, "... I'm handling it."

"Hey, hey Liv..." grabbing at her elbows and forcing Olivia to stand still Fin caught her tired eyes on his and spoke with a gently, gruffly tone, "... I know that. I know you can do this on your own. I just figure I could make it so you don't _have to_ for an hour or so."

"I..." began Olivia, before melting into his arms and groaning wearily into his shoulder, "... gosh I'm just so damn tired."

"I know, doll..." taking Eve in the crook of one arm and hugging Olivia into him on the other side Fin rocked both of them from side to side and soothing, "...I know you are."

"Oh my God..." mouthed Olivia, breathing the words as she peeled herself from him and took a cautious step backward, "... that's the first time she's been quiet in like twelve hours."

"Liv I gotta tell you that you look like hell..." observed Fin, wrinkling his nose and adding, "...and you smell kinda funky too."

"Hey!"

"I got things covered. I can take care of baby girl just fine..." pushing her lightly at the small of her back Fin attempted to urge her toward the bathroom, "... go take a bath, heck take a nap if you want. Just relax and Uncle Fin will look after cranky pants for an hour or so."

"I honestly don't know what I'd do without you Fin..." sighing with profound gratitude Olivia leant forward and pressed an affectionate kiss against Fin's cheek and added, "... thanks."

"Any time, doll..." he swallowed, feeling his skin prickle with heat at the warmth of her lips on his cheek, "... any time."

* * *

><p>"Amaro? Amaro you in there? It's me..." rapping hard on Nick Amaro's front door Amanda Rollins adjusted her weapon and chewed on her cheek, "... it's Rollins."<p>

Seeing curtains drawn and no sign of life Amanda may have walked away were it not for the innate instinct of a detective that pushed her to persevere. Repeating her knocking call she coaxed, "Nick are you in there? Just open up, yeah buddy?"

"Go away." Came a gruff, hoarsely rasping voice from within as Rollins pressed herself against the door and willed it to speak again.

"Nick? Nick is that you? Can you open the door just so I can see that you're..."

"Go away, Rollins..." as the door peeled back she drew sharp breath on seeing the man on the other side. His olive cheeks were sallow and pale, his eyes hollowed and bearing a purplish hue around the sockets. Unshaven in what looked like weeks his hair had grown into a strange mass of half curls and the smell from inside was almost unbearable.

"My God..." she breathed, instinctively stepping toward him and watching him recoil as though allergic to the light she brought into his darkness.

"Leave me alone."

"We've been trying to get a hold of you for nearly two months. We tried calling, we came around but you were never..." but clearly, she realised now, he had been home. He had been home the whole time slowly destroying himself while they had only tried so hard to reach him in his grief.

"Just go Rollins..." he sighed, shoving the door at her and slopping back down the hallway, "... let me be."

"Nick, wait." Kicking her foot between the door and frame she held it open, stepping inside and following him tentatively several paces behind. "I can't leave before I know you're..." the words caught in her throat as she entered what had once been the immaculate home and garden beauty of the Amaro living room, and now looked closer to something she might witness on the job, "... but you're _not_ alright, are you bud?"

"I don't want you here." Said Nick, though the statement packed little punch as his sad eyes watched her from across a sea of empty bottles and take out packaging.

"I don't care." Replied Amanda, her gaze dancing across the debris of his life and focusing on suspicious pill bottles of strips of foil. "Nick where's your daughter?" she asked in a sudden flash of panic, "Where's Zara?"

"Not here."

"But where..."

"Maria's parents have her."

"Okay, okay good..." nodding slowly, the blood rushing back into her dizzied head Rollins exhaled relieved, "... that's good."

"Okay we're done here. I want you out. I want you out right now..." moving as swiftly across the room as his addled body would allow Nick attempted to manhandle Amanda back into the hallway, ploughing his full weight into her and grappling with her writhing arms and elbows, "... out! Get out! GET OUT!"

"Nick stop! Don't! Goddamn it Nick STOP!" moving with a swift agility he no longer possessed she fought him off, freeing herself from his grip and ducking out of his reach. "Let go of me! Let go! Nick please, please just..." with one final push for freedom she shoved him hard and yelled, "... LET GO!"

"HELL!" he replied. One strange, sudden, involuntary word that came out of nowhere along with the punch that landed hard against Rollins' left cheek. As she was thrown by it's force into the wall opposite and the world faded in and out of black, white and the horrifically cruel Technicolor of Nick Amaro's grief she cradled her face and stared at him.

Hell was his wife's death. Hell was the loneliness crippling him. Hell was this empty house full of memories and an inability to drown it out. Hell was seeing the lightness, the life and the hope in Amanda Rollins' face as she'd stood in his doorway radiating all the things he knew he'd never feel again.

"Go away. Please? Leave me alone?"

"No..." she protested, tasting metal in her mouth as she realised just how hard her teeth had clamped down on the inside of her mouth when he'd hit her, "... no Nick you'll have to beat on me harder than that before I'll..."

"I..." he stumbled, staggering slightly and holding his hands out to steady himself, "... I just..."

"I know, buddy. I know, I know..." she repeated softly, clambering to her feet and rushing to him as he collapsed to the floor, falling into her arms and crying, truly sobbing in a way she had never seen in a man before, "... it's okay. It's okay Nick. I've got you. I'm right here. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

><p>"They'll come around."<p>

"What if they don't?" asked Elliot broodingly, as he and Kathy stood in their usual opposite corners of their kitchen and bathed in the awkward aftermath of their family meeting.

"They will."

"You heard Maureen, she hates me." His statement was punctuated by the loud bleeping of his phone from on top of the microwave.

"No, no she hates change. She hates the fact that her world is going to turn upside down and she has no control over it the way she likes to control everything in her life. She hates the fact that her little girl ideals of her father are being challenged by the reality of being a grown up. She could never hate _you_ Elliot. You know that." As his phone continued to buzz Elliot could only pray that was true.

"I don't think I'm making this easier for anyone and especially the kids by staying here."

"Are you gonna answer that damn thing or can I turn it off?" snapped Kathy hotly, no longer able to bear the repetitive shrill of his ring tone.

"It's fine, turn it off..." nodded Elliot, attempting to give his family the undivided attention they deserved, "... this is important."

"Sorry, you were saying?" promoted Kathy, turning off the handset and attempting a measured smile as she turned back to her husband.

"Dickie asked what happens next and I want to be perfectly clear when we answer. Things aren't going to change. I want them to know that. I would never have started this if I thought there was even a chance I'd change my mind so..."

"El..."

"I think we need a clear break. It's gonna hurt like hell to rip off the band aid but I want every one of us to know where we stand."

"I know I for one am under no illusion." Muttered Kathy bleakly.

"I'm gonna move out, Kath."

"What?" she asked, not having been naive of their final destination but not having believed they would ever reach it so quickly. "So soon?"

"We have to start somewhere and it's only making it worse giving the kids false hope."

"False hope? Is that what you're calling it?" she asked, certain now if there had ever been doubt before that there was no chance of saving her marriage. She had lost him to Olivia and every muscle and sinew in him was visibly aching to be with her as soon as humanly possible.

"I love you Kathy..." he said quietly, poignantly, cocking a loaded gun.

"I know that, Elliot."

"I will _always_ love you and everything we've shared over all these years. You're an amazing mom to our kids and..."

"Just say it, El. Say it out loud..." she challenged, knowing one he did there was no turning back, "... make it real."

"I want a divorce."

Though she had known it was coming from the moment he had told her Eve was his child there was nothing that could've softened the final body blow. Falling back against the refrigerator she struggled to catch her breath. It were as though their entire marriage, a lifetime together was coming at her in waves of overwhelming and no matter how desperately she tried to swim to the surface the current was too strong. As Elliot held her she sobbed heavily, her breathing shallow and shaky as the mourning began. All the battles and bitterness, all the passive aggression and quiet resentment faded to a wretched grey in that moment in their kitchen as Elliot held her and they both knew it was surrender. She wouldn't fight it, she wouldn't fight him. The most truly brutal part in all of it was she knew it would do no good. She had lost him the moment Olivia Benson walked into his life and were it not for the depth of his affection for her and the profundity of his love for their kids their marriage would've been over a long time ago.

* * *

><p>"Liv?" struggling to knock on Olivia's apartment door without a free hand Elliot called out her name. Clutching a modest but elegant bouquet of flowers in his hand he wrapped his knuckles once more and repeated, "Olivia, it's me. It's Elliot."<p>

"No use hollering, sugar. She ain't home." Came a voice from behind him as a woman emerged from a neighbouring apartment in a well worn apron and rollers.

"I..." transferring the flowers into his other hand, the one holding tightly onto the holdall of possessions he had managed to grab on his way out the house Elliot fished into his jean's pocket for his phone.

"Left about a half hour ago."

"Damn it." He cussed under his breath, turning his phone back on and seeing several missed calls from both Fin and Olivia. "I must've just missed them."

"Course it might have been a little more or less. I lost track of time after all the commotion and sirens."

"Sirens?" blue eyes flew up to meet the gossip's curious gaze as she eyed him suspiciously. "What sirens?" he pushed, fighting a growing urge to strangle the details from her.

"No clue, alls I know is the paramedics came and wouldn't let me see what was..."

"No..." breathed Elliot, the holdall in his hand crashing to the floor only moments before Olivia's flowers as he stumbled his way full throttle down the corridor dialling numbers frenziedly into his cell, "... no, no, no, no."

"They headed for Mercy!" hollered the woman after him.


	34. Sleight Of Hand And Twist Of Fate

"Nick, Nick wake up..." peeling her eyes opening and massaging at her aching neck with her one free hand Amanda realised the other was still clutching tightly onto Nick Amaro, "... wake up, wake up we fell asleep."

It had only been hours since she had first walked into the hell that had become Nick's world though it felt like days. Giving her co-worker a gentle shake she urged him to wake a little more forcefully, her half numb wrist buried underneath the heavy weight of his torso where he had finally surrendered to sleep while still sobbing in her arms. Long work hours that week must finally have caught up with her she realised, as somewhere amid the soothing and the gentle rocking she too had accidentally drifted off. In truth, despite the trauma and the tragedy surrounding her she had never felt safer than she had with Amaro clinging tightly to her.

"Buddy we gotta get this place cleaned up and fix you some food or..." shaking him more instantly she recoiled in horror as his torpid body rolled from her lap and lolled against the sofa cushions, "... oh my God! Nick!"

Slapping at his face with trembling hands she murmured under her breath and reached to her belt for her radio, "This is SVU portable to central. I need a bus..."

* * *

><p>"Hi, hey, hi there my name is Elliot Stabler and I need to find an Olivia Benson? I'm not sure..."<p>

"El? Hey Elliot!" came Fin's voice from a little further down the corridor as Elliot hurriedly gained permission to advance from the woman on the reception desk.

"You family?"

"Yeah, yeah I am." He replied without hesitation.

"Go on through..." gestured the woman, knowing further questions would be asked before he got to see the patient and falling hard and fast for his panic struck baby blues.

"What the hell happened? Where's..."

"Elliot?" came a familiar voice as Olivia emerged from the ladies' room a little further upt he corridor from Fin and broke into a run on seeing him stood waiting for her. "Oh _thank God_ you're here!"

"I'm here, I'm right here..." he soothed as she flew into his arms, and then hugging her tight he murmured, "... what the hell happened? I just got your voicemail to come down here. Where's Mouse?"

"El she just started shaking, she was just _shaking _in my arms and..."

"Jesus!" breathed Elliot, horrified.

"Then she went like a little rag doll, she went all floppy and she wouldn't look at me properly and oh God it was..."

"They're doing a full workup of tests and there's a regular army of doctors and nurses in there with her. They've been really great..." meeting his friend's eyes Fin nodded, "... they're doing everything they can for baby girl, dude."

"I'm sorry it took me so long to get here, I'm sorry I wasn't there I..."

"I tried to call you!" cried Olivia, too lost in trembling fear to manage anger.

"I know, I know and I'm sorry I missed you. I just got into something and..." shaking his head and dismissing the continuation of his sentence Elliot sighed, "... as soon as I got done I came right over but you were already gone."

"Done with what?" My marriage, he silently answered.

"I'll tell you later. Right now it isn't important..." and the tragic irony was that it truly wasn't, "... we'll talk once we know Mouse is okay."

"El what if she isn't?"

"Don't even go there..." he warned gently, stroking at her neck and shoulders reassuringly, "... we have no idea what we're dealing with yet. It might just be a scare."

"It's working." She replied darkly, leaning against him and burying her face in his shirt.

"Fin do you..." as Elliot turned around to speak with their friend he found them alone now in the corridor.

"Where'd he go?" asked Olivia, still clinging to Elliot but leaning away from his chest just far enough to give the corridor a full scan.

"The bathroom?" offered Elliot doubtfully. "To get a coffee or something?"

"That's my cell..." forcing herself from his arms Olivia wandered over to her purse and checked the message, "... it's him."

"And?" asked Elliot, closing the gap between them and instinctively stroking at the small of her back with the reassurance of his presence.

"I guess he left. He says to call him as soon as we have news..." she replied with a slightly puzzled shrug, "...and to tell you to look after Evie and me."

* * *

><p>"I don't know! I don't know!" yelled Amanda, her hands trembling as she held them over her tear stained face in the back of a rapidly moving ambulance. "I just woke up and he was out cold. He was upset, he was <em>devastated<em> and I was trying to..."

"Did you see him take anything? There were signs of drug use in the apartment detective and it would be really helpful if you..."

"I swear to God I didn't _see_ him take anything. I was only there a couple of hours. We talked a little, he broke down and I held him. Then I must've fallen asleep and..." scooting forward and grabbing Nick's right hand as the paramedic plunged an IV into his left Rollins choked, "... it doesn't make any sense."

"Does he have a history of drug use?" asked the female paramedic from behind her, flipping through a chart and scribbling furious notes.

"No! He's a good, decent guy..." realising she was unprepared to defend his character to strangers she quietly finished, "... no, no he doesn't do drugs."

"We found a considerable amount of Vicodin in his possession along with enough cocaine to have him charged with..."

"Hey, hey how about you just do _your_ job buddy..." snapped Amanda hotly, blue eyes wild, "... and leave that to the police."

"He _is_ the police." Noted the blonde who Amanda had increasingly little time for.

"What Jane means is that we need to know all the facts, detective. Flying blind will only take longer and every second counts when..."

"His wife died." Blurted Amanda, trusting the kind eyed older paramedic and meeting his eyes to add, "Several months ago. I have no idea how long he's been using but he's in pieces. He's in a real bad way and you gotta help him. Please, please you gotta help him?"

* * *

><p>"Are you Eve's parents?"<p>

"Yes, yeah, yeah that's us..." yanking Olivia up from her chair, her hand held tightly fast in his Elliot rushed across to meet the doctor as he emerged from the room opposite, "... how is she?"

"You did the right thing bringing her here straight away."

"Please doctor?" begged Olivia, unable to bear the unknown a second longer.

"We've started treating for bacterial meningitis. We're still waiting on the hundred percent diagnosis but since time is so vital in fighting back against this disease we always advocate to start treating before waiting for the final tests to..."

"Meningitis?" swallowed Olivia, her fingers gripping so tightly onto Elliot's palm it was starting to tingle.

"That's serious." Stated Elliot, far from a medical expert but an experienced enough parent to know that was no diagnosis any father wants for his child. "That's _really _serious in a kid her age."

"Elliot!" came the strangled stifle from Olivia as she looked between him and the doctor in bewildered desperation.

"And we're treating it accordingly. Your daughter is in good hands and there we are doing everything we possibly can to help Eve fight this. We're coming at it with everything we have and what we need from you, what she needs, is for you to stay as strong as she is right now..." breaking a warm smile the salt and pepper haired doctor acknowledged, "... and your girl is one tough little cookie."

"You hear that, Liv?" swallowed Elliot with a rough edged rawness to his voice as he put his arm around Olivia, drawing her into his side and kissing her hair protectively. "That's what we've got to hang onto."

"I'm just going to check in with the nurse taking care of Eve now but I'll be back very, very soon with an update for you. In the mean time just sit tight. I know this is an impossible situation for any parent but please, please if you can at all just try to stay calm. I'll let you know as soon as we can get you in there to see her."

"Thanks, doc. Really..." nodding with profound gratitude for the doctor's honesty and empathy Elliot added, "... thank you."

"I should've known it was more than just teething and a damn ear infection."

"No, no Liv you _do not_ get to beat yourself up about this..." replied Elliot firmly, setting a hand on either of her shoulders and forcing her to face him square on even if her eyes were on the floor, "... you hear me? Are you listening to me? You couldn't have seen this coming. Neither of us could."

"She's just a baby, El. She's so tiny and..." losing her ability to hold it together Olivia's face crumbled as Elliot drew her into his arms rocked her gently, "... she's in there all by herself. She's so sick and she must be so scared and..."

"The doctors are taking really, really great care of her and..."

"She needs **me **Elliot!" choking on her tears Olivia had to fight to catch her breath. Then staring at him with devastation eyes she shook her head and whispered, "The doctors are strangers to her. She needs us in there, El. She needs her mom and dad."

"And we will be in there just as soon as we get the green light from Dr Walsh..." as he reached down and took her hands in his she interlaced her fingers in his, "... in the mean time we just gotta sit tight and..."

"Oh my God..." running her thumb across the empty finger on his left hand where his wedding band had once sat Olivia stared at him open mouthed and dumbfounded, "... El?"

"It's fine."

"No, no it is _not_ fine Elliot..." she spoke firmly, holding his hands tightly and searching his face with profound concern, "... are you alright? What happened?"

"We don't have to talk about this now it's..."

"Elliot?" she insisted, knowing that perhaps the only thing they could do for Eve at that moment in time was to be as strongly united as they possibly could be.

"I left her."

"Oh my..."

"I moved out the house and I told Kathy I want a divorce."

"My God, Elliot!" she gasped, her mouth falling helplessly around words she couldn't form for several seconds before she managed to add "Your kids?"

"Kathleen is handling it really well but the others..." closing his eyes and feeling relieved to be able to admit his sadness to her he sighed, "...well, it's gonna take time."

"I love you." They were the only three words she could manage to find, and they were the only ones he needed to hear.

"Liv you should know that this is gonna be a rough ride. My kids are pissed as hell and it's gonna take more than me packing a bag to really leave that house. Kathy is hurt and sad and angry and I don't know how we're gonna..." shrugging powerlessly Elliot added, "... well and then there's Eli. I have no clue where to start with him."

"I don't even know what to..."

"But Liv? Liv?" he repeated, needing her to look him in the eye as he spoke.

"What?"

"No regrets."

"No?" she tested, only able to imagine the wreckage he had left behind at home.

"We're gonna make this work. I'm gonna find a way to end things with Kathy and make it right with my kids. Mouse is gonna get well again and you and me?"

"You and me?" she half laughed, half cried, it tasted still so foreign on her tongue.

"I am in this, Liv. It's complicated and messed up and sometimes it feels like we're running through friggin' tar just to keep our heads above water but you my word that I will _fight_ for us. I just got in this all the way and you can tell Evie Grace from me that she..." his voice breaking as her hands rushed to his chest, stroking soothingly as he choked back tears, "... that she doesn't get to bail on me now."

"She knows..." closing her eyes and squeezing fresh tears from the corners Olivia leant forward and pressed her lips against his jaw, murmuring, "... she knows, sweetie."

"I want Yankee games and little league. I want birthdays and beach trips and I want to give her that stupid yellow duck waiting for her in my bag in your hallway. I am _all in_ she can't, she can't..." throwing Olivia off him and throwing his first into the doorframe behind her Elliot yelled, "... DAMIT IT where the HELL is that doctor?"

"Elliot!" cried Olivia, grabbing at his forearms and hauling him toward her. Resisting his struggle she held him fast, hugging him tight into her and kissing at his neck lovingly, "El it's okay, it's okay, just take a breath. Take a breath."

"What if she..."

"Don't..." snapped Olivia fiercely, "... do _not_ finish that sentence, do you hear me?"

"I'm sorry."

"So you bought her a duck?" in a desperate attempt to distract him Olivia relaxed their embrace slightly in the hope he'd take the bait.

"It's yellow..." he managed, through grit teeth anger at the world for what it was doing to his little girl, "... so were your flowers."

"I had flowers?" relieved to watch him slowly unwind she flashed a brave smile. "Carnations?"

"You're hilarious... " he groaned, rolling his eyes and kissing her cheek lightly as he relaxed into a sigh, "... you hate carnations. They were tulips."

"Are tulips in season at this time of year?" she heard herself ask, before cringing at how critical it sounded.

"No, no they are not it turns out. In fact what I bought you was probably the worst bunch of flowers ever. It was really just a handful of really ugly little green buds that would probably never have opened so..." finding himself laughing, despite the whole world falling to pieces around them Elliot leaned forward and this time planted a warm, tender kiss on Olivia's lips, "... anyways they were ugly tulips to say I love you and can I crash on your sofa since I just left my wife to be with you?"

"As soon as Evie is well enough to come home..." smiled Olivia, feeling as though finally after years of searching she had found her due north, "... you can sleep someplace better than my sofa."

"Liv she will be okay, won't she?" he asked, this time the one in need of reassurance.

"Yeah, yeah of course she will..." and then, with them both feeling the truth of her words resounding painfully within them she added, "... she has to be."


	35. Echoes, Silence, Patience and Evie

_"I say the flight attendant in the coat check with the candlestick."_

_"You're not funny, you know that right?" groaned Olivia Benson with fading tolerance of her jocular partner's approach to the case in hand. _

_"Brianna had the means and the motive."_

_"Yeah but we don't have any actual, you know..." lifting her eyes from the case file in her hand Olivia met Detective Tutuola's gaze and quipped drily, "... evidence."_

_"I bet if you hold still I could balance my coffee right on top of..." biting his tongue between his teeth in concentration Fin leant forward and precariously balanced his paper coffee cup on top of his friend's heavily pregnant belly, "... there!" _

_"Odafin..." _

_"Check it out! I'm getting the mom eyes, you're a natural already!" he teased, as she shot him a withering glare. _

_"You want a coaster for that?" twisting her mouth to a wry smile Olivia couldn't help but soften at Fin's impish grin. He brought her a lightness that acted on her like a tonic. Her pregnancy had been no easy ride but he had been there every step of the way bringing the kind of unconditional love and support she had never known from anyone before. _

_"See, you love me really."_

_"Even when you're a giant pain in my ass?"_

_"Even when I'm a pain in your giant ass."_

_"Fin!" with a sharp intake of breath the self conscious in Olivia winced. _

_"Oh you know I'm just messin' wit'cha..." reaching out and bumping her jaw playfully with a knuckled fist Fin flashed his teeth, "... you're one hot mama."_

_"A hot mess more like..." tilting her head back and closing her eyes exhaustedly Olivia confessed, "...and absolutely no where on this case."_

_"Feet."_

_"I wasn't hinting..."_

_"Gimme..." demanded Fin, gesturing with his hands for Olivia to kick her heels up onto his lap, "... now run it through for me from the top. Where was Brianna when our perp enters the party?"_

_"Fin can I ask you something?" lulled by the intimacy of the moment, with Fin rubbing at her feet Olivia tilted head and found his eyes. "Something personal?"_

_"You can ask but I ain't promising I'll..."_

_"If you could go back and change anything in your life..." it was a question she herself had grappled with many times, and more so lately than ever, but she could see in his face it was not one he had to think hard on, "... what would it be?"_

_"Ken."_

_"Huh." She nodded, having honestly been able to guess his answer before he gave it. _

_"I should've been there. No crap, no excuses, no letting life get in the way." Shrugging with the full weight of his culpability Fin sighed, "I let my boy down."_

_"Oh my God..."_

_"What?" pulling a puzzled face Fin added, "Don't tell me you didn't see that answer coming? You can't really be surprised..."_

_"No, no it's not that..." she laughed breathlessly, taking back her feet and sitting forward in her chair while holding both palms flush against her rounded stomach, "... here, give me your hands?"_

_"Baby B kicking again?"_

_"You gotta feel it this time though..." leaning off her seat and grabbing his hand she brought it up to her belly, tucking it just under her ribcage and holding it fast until a tiny limb packed a punch against it, "... there! You feel it? That's gotta be like a whole elbow or foot or something."_

_"Yeah well she's getting hella strong now, ain't she?" beamed Fin with reflected pride. "She's getting all set to come out and play with her Uncle Fin."_

_"You don't know it's a girl and..."_

_"I have a sixth sense about these things."_

_"Sure you do."_

_"You know what else I have a sixth sense about?" his hand still under hers, pressed against the warmth of her stomach Fin trusted their relationship was strong enough to withstand his next comment. "You can't keep this up forever."_

_"I don't know what you're talking about." She lied, badly. _

_"If he was just some dumb mistake, some drunk one night stand or..." shaking his head and shrugging matter-of-factly Fin finished, "... but it's El."_

_"Don't go there with me, Fin..." she warned sharply, "... don't go there."_

_"I have to, Liv. Not just because I'm the only one who knows the truth but because I'm the only one in your life with the balls to tell you you're being an idiot."_

_"I think I preferred you using my baby as a coffee table." She replied, shutting down the conversation but he could see in her eyes it had resounded the way he had intended it to. _

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"You didn't..." lied Olivia, gently stirred by the repetitive stroking of Elliot's hand through her hair, "... it's fine."

"Sleep if you can. I'm right here." He soothed, rubbing her arm lightly as she lay with her head in his lap dozing. They had been sat in the relatives room for what felt like days now, just waiting and watching the door for the attending in charge of Eve to reappear with something new to tell.

"I can't sleep until I know she's okay..." hauling herself upright Olivia rubbed at her face and surrendered a wide yawn, turning to Elliot and asking doubtfully, "... can you?"

"No, no I closed my eyes just now but..." shrugging exhaustedly Elliot sighed, "... its impossible to switch off. I keep trying to figure out if there was something I missed. Something I should've realised was more than just teething."

"You know what I've come to realise? I have had _no clue_ what the hell I've been doing this whole time."

"How'd you mean?" he asked, his hand instinctively gravitating to her and falling to rest on her thigh.

"From the moment they put that tiny, bright pink bundle of chubby little arms and legs in my arms I've been winging it. Just making it up as I've gone along. Right from the start all Evie and I have had to go on was blind love and learning from my rookie, first time mom mistakes."

"You've done amazingly." He acknowledged, perhaps for the first time aloud.

"Because she's amazing. I got so insanely freakin' lucky to wind up with the most patient, tolerant, happy little girl..." marvelled Olivia, closing her eyes as the pain set in once more, "... not even I've managed to screw her up yet."

"And you're not going to either..." smiled Elliot with the warmth of a profound love flooding his veins, "... not in the many, many years you're going to have the opportunity."

"I'm not done loving that kid yet..." choked Olivia at a hoarse whisper, "... I'm only just getting started."

"Don't do this to yourself, Liv."

"Did I deserve this, Elliot?" were the raw, cut straight to the bone words that made the hairs on Elliot's neck prickle. "Is this my punishment?"

"Olivia..."

"You weren't mine, El. You were still _very_ married to Kathy when I took you home with me the night of the ball and..."

"Stop it, you hear me? Just stop it..." grabbing her shoulders and physically giving her a light shake Elliot implored, "... quit torturing yourself, okay?"

"I just..."

"Go call him."

"What?" she asked, blinking misty eyes and frowning puzzled.

"I know you've not stopped thinking about Fin since he left here kinda suddenly earlier. You can't do anything about what's going on with Evie but you can fix that. Go call him and talk this out with him."

"It's fine. He's fine. I need to stay here with you and..."

"He's the best friend you've got and he can get you out of your head better than I can sometimes..." leaning forward and pressing a light kiss against her amazed lips Elliot smiled, "... so go, call him."

"Okay, okay thanks." She yielded, accepting he was right and grabbing her cell phone from the arm of the couch. Standing to leave she straightened her shirt and raked a handful of hair back from her face with a deep, rallying breath.

"I'm gonna go grab us both a coffee and we'll meet back here?"

"Sounds good..." she nodded steadily, then turning back spoke softly, "... oh and El?"

"Yeah?" he asked, rising from the couch as she came back across the room and wrapped herself around his neck and hugged him tightly.

"I love Fin..." she murmured, pulling back and meeting his eyes, "... but he isn't the _best _friend I've got." Then, leaning in for a lingering kiss, she closed her eyes and allowed the world to melt away for a few moments before heading out into the corridor to place her call.

* * *

><p>"Make mine a long black."<p>

"Hey..." repeated Elliot, turning from the coffee cart to embrace his friend in a warm, back slapping man hug, "... man is it good to see you back here."

"Yeah, yeah sorry about that dude. Guess I got a little freaked earlier..." were honest words from Fin as his eyes narrowed anxious to know, "... how's baby girl?"

"Not good. No worse but no better either. They're hitting it hard with the meds but its tough when she's so little and..." pausing for breath, and taking a deep lungful of air Elliot shook his head sadly at Fin and sighed, "... and Liv is just going out of her mind up there."

"Sounds like you both are and with good reason."

"She's in pieces, Fin. I can barely stand to watch her and I don't know what to say or how to..." holding quiet for a moment Elliot met his friend's eyes, "... but you're the one whose usually pretty great at talking her down from the ledge."

"Yeah well I've had practice."

"That a dig?" asked Elliot, knowing it wouldn't be unjustified.

"Not really. No, no not at all bro..." fisting his palm and punching the airspace between them Fin motioned with his eyes for Elliot to mirror the gesture, "... we're all good."

"We're all good." Echoed Elliot, bumping fists with Fin and swallowing a lock of emotion lodged suddenly in his throat. "We're all good."

"I'm gonna sit down here a while and clear my head..." said Elliot, his eyes open-handed and honest as he gave a little nod of encouragement to Fin, "... she's waiting for you. Go see her."

"El you gotta know that..." biting on his bottom lip Fin considered his words carefully, "... what I'm tryin' to say is..."

"You were there."

"I..." faltered Fin, a little stunned by Elliot's bluntness.

"You held her hand through all of it. I get it, I do."

"Elliot..."

"You loved my daughter before I even knew she existed..." feeling right from wrong more acutely, more unambiguously than most Elliot stated plainly, "... you're a part of this Fin. Don't ever feel like Liv and Evie don't need you here because they do. More than you know."

* * *

><p>"Hey pretty lady..." called Fin down the corridor to where Olivia was sat in a plastic bucket chair, leaning forward with her head cradled in her hands, "... wanna frickle?"<p>

"Fin..." she murmured, with wide eyed elation on seeing his familiar smile headed toward her.

"It got a little cold in transit..." retrieving the fried pickle from his pocket Fin casually explained, "... but this it's the real deal right here. No downtown fakery."

"You didn't serious go all the way to the ballpark to fetch this for me?" asked Olivia, amazed.

"I know a guy."

"You have frickle connections?" it might well have been the first time she had allowed herself a full smile in days, and it created enough appetite in her allow her to sink grateful teeth into her snack.

"And just so's you know the Red Sox were freakin' _owning_ the Dodgers."

"Fin about earlier..." swallowing hard Olivia met his eyes, "... you should know that I..."

"I do. I know. He's your guy and I get that. I gotta let go of how many kinds of crazy it makes me worrying he's gonna hurt you and baby girl again..." rounding his shoulders in a candid shrug Fin added, "... I'll get over it."

"I don't want you to get over it." Replied Olivia steadily. "I didn't stop needing you on my side just because El and I are together."

"No?" doubted Fin, not entirely sure where his puzzle piece was supposed to slot in anymore.

"I still want be your plus one to Ken's wedding. I still want take Evie to Disneyworld with you someday. I still want our movie nights and midnight drives when I can't get her to settle. I don't want our friendship to change Fin..." hesitating a moment, unable to read his expression she added, "... if you don't?"

"Whatch'you think?" he scoffed, but with eyes that sang relief and gratitude. "Now how's about you tell me the full story on where baby girl's at. Talk me through it hour by hour since I was last here."

* * *

><p>"Excuse me? Hey, hi there?"<p>

"Everything alright?"

"No, no not really. I just came back from grabbing a coffee and she was just here. She was just right here when I left and my daughter she was in that room but now she's gone and..."

"Oh! Oh did no one tell you? Gosh, I'm so sorry honey. We moved her, the baby has been moved. She's up on the next floor in a special isolated incubation room. The antibiotics we dosed you with should have set in now and Eve was safe enough for visitors..." glad to see the relief wash over the panicked father's face the nurse added warmly, "... your wife is up there with her and they're waiting for you. Let me take you there."

"God, she looks better..." staring through the windowed room to where Olivia was sat cuddling Eve he breathed euphorically and turned to the nurse, "... doesn't she look better?"

"The drugs have stabilised her for the time being. She's hasn't seized in a while and she's regaining a little of the strength in her neck and limbs. We're a long way from declaring a victory but..."

"Look baby girl, look whose that come to see you?" whispered Olivia, tilting her arms slightly so that Eve's eyes could attempt to focus on the figure staring at her through the glass. "It's your daddy, sweetie. See him? He's right here."

"Can I?" asked Elliot, reaching for the door handle.

"It's one visitor at a time in these special wards I'm afraid but maybe later..."

"Mouse, I'm right out here. Hey baby, it's your dad, how's it going?"

"Oh hell, if they fire me I'm blaming that angel child's precious little face..." throwing the door open the nurse made a wide sweeping gesture for Elliot to proceed to the vacuum glass doors and suit up for a visit, "... I challenge anyone to deny those baby blues her Daddy."

"I'm sorry I was gone so long..." murmured Elliot, approaching carefully and bending to plant a gentle kiss on Olivia's cheek, "... how is she?"

"They said sometimes it helps them at this age to have someone hold them..." managed Olivia with a strained hoarse in her voice, "... you want a turn?"

"No, no I'm good..." though he wanted desperately to hold Eve he couldn't move her from Olivia's arms, not when the two of them looked so exquisite to him sat just as they were, "... I think Mouse is exactly where she needs to be right now."

"She's not okay, El..." swallowed Olivia bleakly, reaching out her hand and sliding it into his so that the three of them might be physically connected, "... she's not even close. It was easier to block it out when we were the other side of a closed door, but now? She's just really, really sick and I..."

"Here, here get up a second..." tugging at her hand and gently encouraging her to her feet for a brief moment long enough for him to sit down on her chair Elliot settled them both back down on his lap and hugged them close, "... right, carry on, you were saying?"

"Tighter..." whispered Olivia, the words barely audible but heavily resounding in Elliot as he wrapped his arms more securely around her and kissed her hair lovingly, "... that's better."

"I'm here. I've gotcha."

"El it hurts."

"I know."

"I don't think I've ever known pain like it."

"I know."

"This button nose, these chubby little cheeks and tiny fingers were inside me. I did this. All those years I worked so closely with kids and thought I understood. I was wrong. I didn't understand a damn thing. Even with Calvin I kept it at arm's length. I came close but it wasn't the same. I never let it all the way in. I might have mothered him for a while but I wasn't his mother..." shaking her head with the devastating realisation that the tiny life in her arms held the power to end her own Olivia whispered, "... he wasn't part of me the way Evie is."

"I know."

"I waited my whole life for this little girl Elliot..." closing her eyes as warm tears escaped down each cheek Olivia gasped breathlessly, "... and I _can't_ lose her now."

* * *

><p>"So you do you see now? All this? It was meant to be Evie Grace. It was all written in the stars a long, long time ago."<p>

A gurgling murmur came from the weak little body in Captain Don Cragen's arms, as though despite how sick she was somehow she understood his meaning. Arriving late at night, after an impossibly long day in his painfully short staffed precinct he had spent the past half hour recounting the story of Eve. Attempting to convey to her the providence that had brought her into all their lives, and that her leaving now was not part of the plan.

"I was meant to hire an overly empathetic rookie detective into my squad. She was meant to be partnered with a rough diamond. She had the pretty face to charm him, the strength of will to tame him and enough patience and love to balance out all his rage and thunder."

"Umph." Burbled Eve, twisting fractiously with more energy than she had displayed in days.

"You gotta stick around little girl. You're only just beginning. There is _so much_ you still have to see and do and those two people watching us through the glass? They're gonna help you. They are going to be there every step you take, and trust me when I say that I've seen _a lot_ of parents in my time and you hit the jackpot, kid."

Settling suddenly Eve's vivid, aqua eyes stared up at him from behind dark lashes and held his gaze. Blinking repeatedly she truly focused on Cragen's kindly eyes, the gentle lines of wisdom around them and the affection they cast down on her.

"Your mom? She's world class. She might just be the strongest, bravest, smartest, and the most completely kind person I've ever known. She has more love to give than you have even _begun_ to realise. You've only skimmed the surface of knowing how many kinds of incredible your mother is, little girl..." tearing up and choking a little on his whispered words Cragen added, "... so you listen to an old man when he tells you to _fight_ Evie. You gotta fight the way she does. You gotta use a little of that strength Liv has given you and you have to _fight_ to survive this, you hear me?"


	36. Every Minute From This Minute Now

"After that I guess it just all fell apart. Nothing was the same. I had to get out, escape, evacuate..." sighing, exhausted by the recollection of the road to New York City she had walked Amanda Rollins leant over Nick Amaro's bedside and murmured, "... so I transferred up here."

"You know it sounds stupid, it sounds so dumb but sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for something the whole time. You know?" he couldn't even hear her, she knew that, it was how she felt free to pour out her heart and ask rhetorical questions that neither she nor anyone else could answer. "As a kid all I wanted was the hell out of that life. I was just taking one breath after another waiting to get old enough to leave. It was always all about her. All day, every day, year in, year out everything any of us did was for her. She was all we talked about. She was the beginning, the middle and the end of every goddamn conversation and it wasn't that I loved her any less than mama and daddy did I just..." shaking her head sadly at the memory of her sister's tragic childhood Rollins sighed, "... well there was just no room for me in that house is all. She took up all the space. She filled every room. She sucked all the air out of it."

"My sister isn't a bad person..." her conscience demanded she clarify, smearing stains of mascara from under her eyes as she smiled with love, "... she's just too alive for this world. That's what mama always used to say. She's just too alive, Mandy. That's all. She's just too alive."

"M... mm..."

"Nick?" shunting forward in her seat she clutched at his hand, patting it lightly and giving it a gentle shake. "Amaro? Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Squeeze my hand if you..."

"Mmmmm..." came the gurgling, groggy stirring from Nick Amaro as he gradually began to stir his muscles to movement, "... Maria?"

"What? What's that you say, honey?" leaning over the bed and stroking at his face with one hand, while pressing urgently on the nurse's call button with the other Rollins' heart thundered in her chest.

"Maria?"

"No, no honey it's..." tears flooding her eyes she blinked them away defiantly, sniffing in a staunch refusal to envy a dead woman, "... it's Amanda. It's me. It's Rollins."

"Rollins?" peeling open his eyes and struggling for several long moments to focus Amaro finally managed to force words from his sandpaper dry throat, "What happened?"

"You've been through hell. You've _literally_ been through hell Nick, but you made it back..." clutching his hand tightly she gave it a firm squeeze and smiled whisperingly, "... you survived it.

* * *

><p>"Excuse me, I'm sorry I'm just a little lost I'm trying to find..." glancing uneasily around the hospital reception a windswept blonde pulled a face, "... actually you know what it's fine. I'm gonna just..."<p>

"Kathleen?"

"Olivia." Stated Elliot's middle daughter, feeling already traitorous just saying her name out loud after already having lied to Kathy as to her whereabouts.

"You looking for your Dad?" asked Olivia, watching the young woman the middle Stabler daughter had become shifting weight awkwardly between her feet. "He's right upstairs with Eve..." then, seeing how difficult this was for her Olivia offered, "... but I could ask him to come down here if you like?"

"No, no it's fine I..." hesitating a moment before lifting her eyes and venturing uncertainly, "... do you wanna grab a coffee or something?"

"Me?" asked Olivia, quite startled by the suggestion and the nervous warmth in Kathleen. "I mean sure, sure we can get coffee."

* * *

><p>"I know they always tell you it's the worst thing you can do but I did some research online. I looked up what the baby, I mean your baby..." swallowing with a suddenly dry mouth Kathleen held her coffee mug like a crux and corrected, "... my Dad's baby."<p>

"Just call her Evie." Suggested Olivia, attempting to ease Kathleen's obvious discomfort.

"It's pretty serious isn't it?" the visible concern in Kathleen was heart rending to Olivia, realising that despite her cynical suspicion there was no ulterior motive to her hospital visit.

"Yeah, yeah it is."

"But even if the treatment works, even if she survives this then I read that there's like a sixty percent chance that she'll have something wrong with her brain or her hearing or..." as a potential biology major, even contemplating a medical direction to her future Kathleen was fiercely smart and more able than her siblings to deal with life's realities, "... sorry, is this weird? Is it too much?"

"No, no it's..." bizarre, she wanted to add but couldn't. Nothing about the situation was familiar, and trying desperately to do and say all the right things in order to retain the goodwill of at least one of Elliot's children was a pressure Olivia was in no state to handle.

"You make him happy, Olivia."

"What?" refocusing on the conversation, having spent several moments in some distant hell in which Eve's future was marred permanently by her illness Olivia stared hard at the suddenly composed blonde across the table.

"They tried to hide it. Maureen had the best years so she doesn't want to see it and the twins were too young to. I knew though. I've known for years that things weren't right between my mom and dad. I love my little brother but all having Eli did was make the pretending harder for all of us."

"Kathleen, sweetie..."

"He's smiling again. My dad smiles again now. For the past few years he's just been walking around in this cloud of anger and resentment. Like he was so freakin' mad at the world but he couldn't let it out for our sake or in because he'd go crazy or something. Then about a year ago it was like he was suddenly his old self again and then these past few months before the baby got sick he's just had this stupid, cheesy grin on his face the whole time..." realising that which her siblings were yet to Kathleen saw the world not in black and white, but in the grey that had saved her father, "... and it's because of you."

"I'm sorry that it all had to play out this way. I'm sorry for what's happening to your family." Were the words that Olivia needed to say, and despite what she might have thought, were the ones Kathleen still needed to hear.

"I'm sorry for what's happening to yours." She replied, choking Olivia with the sudden realisation that for the first time in her life she had one. It might have been on its knees but she had a family to call her own. "I brought this..." reaching into her satchel bag Kathleen produced a plush pink rabbit with floppy ears and oversized feet, "... for Evie."

"It's adorable, thank you..." her smile broadening, deeply touched by the gesture Olivia tentatively ventured, "... you know, if you wanted to, we could go up and find your dad and you could give it to her yourself?"

"Yeah?" buying herself a little thinking time Kathleen furrowed her brow and held Olivia's gaze. Though it still weighed heavily on her conscience that she was in some way betraying her mother there was a maternal warmth that radiated from Olivia and it was intoxicating. She could not hate her. Worse than that, she couldn't help but like her.

"Only if you want to."

"I think..." swallowed Kathleen, drawing the bunny back into her chest and hugging it lightly, "... I think I'd like that."

* * *

><p>"Most mothers would be climbing the walls right now but she's sat in there building bridges with a girl who has every right to resent the hell out of her..." tuning his head to Elliot a glowingly proud Don Cragen nodded knowingly, "... that's love, son. That's one hell of a woman you're calling yours."<p>

"I know." Replied Elliot simply.

"How's it going?" asked Cragen, to the detective who had become closer to a son than a co-worker over the years. "Liv mentioned you have one foot in the door at her place now."

"I left Kathy and hired a lawyer..." clarified Elliot, knowing his captain's protective instinct toward Olivia required it of him, "... so I think it's fair to say that I'm in with both feet."

"That's a big step..." realising he had perhaps leaded a little too far toward understatement Cragen added with a touch more empathy, "... that's huge."

"I want out of SVU, Cap. I want to transfer back to narcotics."

"Back to the drug squad?" asked Cragen, with surprise. "How come?"

"When all this is over and Evie's well again Liv needs to go back to work. We can't both be at the 1-6. Not now we're..."

"And this return to work, you've just decided that for her have you?"

"She won't decide it for herself and you know it. She'll guilt herself into staying home with Mouse until she graduates from college. It's in her veins to give her whole self to that kid and I might need a tyre iron to prise them apart but she'll lose her shit being in that apartment day in day out..." laughing with a heart achingly loving chuckle Elliot shrugged, "... so I'll carry her ass all the way back to your squad room if I have to."

"Wow."

"What? You think I'm wrong?" asked Elliot, valuing his opinion immensely and though he might denying it even to himself he needed his approval. Especially when it came to Olivia.

"I think that I've spent a lot of time talking about how lucky you got when Detective Benson decided to tolerate you as her partner."

"Geez Captain, don't hold back..."

"But what has gone unsaid by all of us is how lucky _she_ got."

"Huh." Breathed Elliot with gruff self deprecation.

"It was always going to take tough guy to exorcise the ghosts that haunt her..." acknowledged Cragen with a shrewd nod, "... but to gain her trust the way you have? I wasn't sure it was even possible."

"I haven't always deserved it." Admitted Elliot, in a tense jawed me culpa.

"You know when to kick her ass and when to hold her hand, and that kind of understanding between two people doesn't come along that often. Don't screw this up, Stabler."

"I don't believe in divorce. It isn't in my nature to go against my faith. I never thought I'd even consider either but this is different, this is..."

"This is Liv."

"I want it all with her, Captain."

"They're big words, they're fighting words. You got any weight to throw behind them?"

"I guess it feels like this is the scene in the movie where the guy finally gets the girl. Only in real life you don't just get to walk off into the sunset and have the credits roll, you know?"

"That'd be too easy."

"I told my lawyer I want this quick and clean. I won't fight Kathy for anything but my kids. She can keep the house, the car, anything she wants. I don't want to make this any harder than it already is for any of them. All I want is to be able to be there for my kids..." shrugging his shoulders and fixing his eyes on Olivia through the glass he murmured, "... and to wake up next to her every morning."

"So this is real then..." noted Cragen, with a rush of warm hope for two people he cared so deeply and dearly for, "... you're really all in."

"I haven't been this sure about anything in my whole life..." replied Elliot unflinchingly, "... I wouldn't have turned my kids lives' upside down if I wasn't."

"Well then."

"She was right there, Cap. All this time. Everything I ever wanted and all I ever needed was sat behind the desk opposite me and it took me over a decade to realise it."

"You realised it."

"What?" asked Elliot, twisting his face curiously as he turned to Cragen in question.

"You realised it a million times over, and I should know..." eyes twinkling Cragen smiled, "... because I was the one fielding all the crap from IAB every time the pair of you let it get in the way of doing your damn jobs."

"Yeah, yeah I guess I'm sorry about that."

"I'm not. It was worth it. It was worth it because look at her..." tossing his gaze toward Evie as she lay gently clutched in Kathleen's trembling arms on the other side of the glass Cragen beamed, "... just _look_ at that child, Elliot."

"I know."

* * *

><p>"Detective Rollins?"<p>

"No."

"I'm old, detective..." chuckled Cragen with a laconic smile as he stumbled upon one of his newest recruits sat on a low wall outside the hospital, "... not blind."

"Please..." entreated a red eyed Rollins, turning away in shame as she hiccupped back a sob and insisted, "... please captain, just let me be."

"Everything okay?"

"Fine."

"Only it wouldn't take a detective as long in the tooth as I am to observe that..." tugging up his slacks and taking a perch beside her he added kindly, "... that isn't really true, now is it?"

"This isn't me being coy, captain. This isn't me not wanting to tell. God knows I'm pretty much an open book to you at this point but this isn't about me..." rubbing her tired eyes and sniffing staunchly Amanda sighed, "... at least mostly it isn't."

"I understand."

"I have this friend."

"I see."

"He's really in trouble right now."

"Do I know this friend?" asked Cragen calmly, searching her face for the whole truth.

"No." She lied proficiently, without so much as flinching. "No, no you don't. He's an old friend from the South just moved to the city."

"Adjustment issues?" prompted Cragen, fully committed to the conversation.

"He's been going through some stuff. A lot of stuff. Life's been pretty rough on him for a while now and he's suck lower than I've ever seen a person go..." flicking her eyes away from him she added softly, "... and I know what rock bottom looks like."

"It's not pretty." Nodded the captain, having been there himself more than once. "But from what I've learned this guy already has the greatest thing a person who's fallen down can have."

"Yeah?"

"Someone willing to give him a hand up."

"I can't."

"No?" asked Cragen, brow furrowed curiously as he attempted to understand a woman he was learning was every bit as complex as all the other detectives in his squad. "Because of your own struggles?"

"No, no that's not..."

"It's okay, you don't have to..."

"I don't know all that much about him. A rough history maybe. We were on the job together for a while but he kinda keeps himself to himself, you know? He was just there. We got along. Between the badge and his family he was off limits, he was just a friend..." lowering her eyes and confessing out loud that which had been torturing her every minute she had sat at Nick Amaro's bedside she added quietly, "... until suddenly..."

"He wasn't?" offered Cragen, knowing the picture she painted all too well. "You're not the only one who's ever been there. You know that, right?"

"I know. I know that but still, you won't say anything? I don't want the guys at the squad to know you saw me."

"We all have something, Rollins."

"I get that."

"I haven't told anyone this. In fact I don't have to read the fine print to know it's breaching just about every code of conduct and ethics in the book even thinking about it but..." shaking his head, seeming suddenly to be somewhere else, somewhere other, somewhere darker and bleaker than she dared to go with him, "... well I don't have a lot of people in my life Detective Rollins."

"Captain..."

"And the ones I do are in _no place_ to hear what I have to say right now." Thinking of Benson and Stabler huddled at their sick child's bedside his heart ached for the selfishness that so desired to confide in either one of them right now.

"Everything alright Captain?"

"No, no not really."

"You wanna go to a meeting?"

"No I want to drink."

"Cap..."

"You wanna know the sick irony? The reason I want to drink..." lowering his eyes and hesitating a moment before lifting his gaze and trusting Amanda Rollins' he swallowed, "... is because I have second stage liver cancer."

* * *

><p>"She's going to make a full recovery."<p>

"Oh my..." so all consuming was the relief in Olivia she fell back a little, clutching at Elliot's arm and swallowing, "... oh thank God."

"We've done a full work up of tests and though she's still a little out of it from the meds she's fully audio responsive. We'll continue to monitor her over the next few days and check for any abnormalities in cognitive behaviour or neurological reactions but so far so good guys..." smiling broadly, heartened to be delivering good news for once the doctor added, "... your daughter is a real fighter. It's a very small percentage of kids her age who can take this illness on and come out unscathed. She's a special little girl."

"Yeah, yeah she is..." choked Elliot, draping his arm around Olivia and drawing her into his chest to press a loving kiss against her temple, "... she really is."

"I'm gonna leave you two to take this all in but as soon as the nurses are done they'll let you back in there to see Eve."

"We owe you everything doc..." proffering his hand and shaking the doctor's hand vigorously Elliot affirmed, "... thank you."

"El tell me that actually just happened?" mumbled Olivia, a little numbed by it all. "Tell me I didn't imagine that she's gonna be okay?"

"You didn't imagine it. She's gonna make it. She's gonna be just fine. She's gonna be back to her old self in no time..." lifting his hand to her face he grazed her cheek lightly with his knuckles, "... and we're gonna get to take her home. Both of us."

"I can't breathe. I daren't. In case I wake up and none of this is real..." closing her eyes and holding them tightly shut Olivia murmured, "... it can't be real."

"You're wide awake, partner..." sliding his hand to the nape of her neck he stroked softly at warm skin and breathed, "... and this just got _very_ real."

"We're really gonna do this?" she swallowed, still holding her breath a little. "You and me?"

"You and me..." he nodded affirmatively, his lips twisting to a grinning smile, "... and Evie Grace."

"Don't say it, El. Don't make me promises you can't keep. I couldn't bear to lose you now. I couldn't handle it. So don't, please, _don't_..." lowering her eyes to the floor and feeling a flood of every emotion she hadn't allowed herself to over the past week Olivia murmured with a wilful tearfulness, "... unless you mean it."

"My lawyer is drawing up divorce papers as we speak. Kathleen is gonna fetch some more of my stuff from home and bring it over to your place. We're gonna live in a shoebox and spend the whole time falling over each other and all of Mouse's baby crap. She's gonna be stunted in her growth from not being able to get a full sized bed into the closet we're calling her room. We're gonna fight and argue and it's probably gonna be hell most of the time but I swear to you that we are promise I can keep."

"You're such an idiot!" she half laughed, half cried. Beating at his chest with lightly clenched fist before falling into his arms and hugging him tight.

"Sure, sure and more fool you because now I'm _your _idiot."

"I think I can handle it."

"This is real. This is real, this is us and it starts right now..." kissing her deeply he pulled away only fleetingly, to broker a devilish grin and add, "... from here on out you're stuck with me Detective Benson."


	37. Brick By Brick

**_FOUR MONTHS LATER_**

"I just can't see it."

"Are you looking?" asked Rollins, surprising her fellow detectives with her increasingly emboldened stance within their dynamic. She was not the rookie anymore, and she was not willing to be treated accordingly by any of them. Especially an increasingly obstinate and disagreeable Detective Benson.

"Excuse me?" asked a battle weary Olivia, twisting her face to a disgruntled frown at her younger co-worker. "What was that?"

"I just think you've got your blinders on..." shrugged Rollins, sinking a little deeper into her office chair and refusing to be intimidated by Olivia's dominant role within the group, "... that's all."

"Okay, okay ladies let's just all chill out..." appeased Fin, calmly placing himself between the prickling women and holding his hands in the air in a bid for an early ceasefire, "... we're all on the same side here remember. We all wanna catch this rat bastard."

"I just..."

"You just need to pull your neck in a little Rollins..." replied Detective Tutuola quickly, all for confidence but having no patience for cat calling, "... and as for you, Benson? You've been a pain in the ass all week so how's about instead of just sitting there popping pills and grizzling you just give in and go home to bed."

"I'm fine."

"Like hell you are." Offered Munch, knowing eyes drifting back into the conversation and settling on a green faced Olivia. "You're sick a as a dog."

"I just need some air. I'll be right back."

"Fin go after her..." instructed Cragen, having been stood at the coffee station observation deck watching the scene play out, "... and manhandle her into a cab uptown if you have to."

"I ain't so sure I wanna..." frowning hesitantly Fin knew better than to attempt to force his friend into doing anything she wasn't overly keen on, "... I mean she can get scrappy when she's..."

"Make her go home and make her stay there. Call Stabler and have him play hardball with her if you have to but I don't want to see her sorry ass in my squad room again until she's fit for work..." rolling his eyes with a fond weariness Cragen added, "... are we clear, detective? I can make it an order if I have to."

"No, no it's all good. I'm on it, Cap."

"As for the rest of you, let's wrap this up for tonight. It's late and we're all fried. We're not gonna gain any traction until we've get word back from ballistics and until Cabot secures us that warrant we can't go anywhere near this guy's office..." taking a sip of coffee Cragen instructed, "... so all of you - go home."

"Can I get a word first captain?" asked Rollins casually, her light eyes searching for his.

"No, no not tonight Rollins. We're calling it quits on today."

"Please, it's real important?" she persisted, as Munch failed to bat an eyelid at the exchange.

"Fine, fine come on through..." surrendered Cragen, gesturing her toward his office, "... but make it brief."

"How are you?" was about as succinct as Amanda Rollins could manage once the captain's office door was closed.

"Is _that_ what was so important?" he scoffed dismissively. "You're keeping me from my bed to enquire after my health _again_, Rollins?"

"No one else is gonna." She replied, perhaps a little too frankly for that time of night.

"You know I hate this."

"I do..." nodded Rollins steadily, sliding her hands deep into the pockets of her jeans and pushing past the discomfort, "... and you know I don't give a damn."

"I start chemo next Thursday."

"When?"

"Next Thursday."

"Yeah, no, I'm gonna need an actual time..." retrieving her cell phone from her pocket and scrolling for her planner Rollins added, "... and location."

"You're not coming with me."

"I know that there are a heap tonne of other people you'd rather have watching your six right now..." she sighed tolerantly, "... but I'm all you got so suck it up and quit belly aching."

"I'm not sure that you get to talk to me in that tone, detective." Redefining the boundaries of their relationship Cragen retained his command and dignity with a grateful grace. "You know exactly how much I appreciate what you're doing here but there is a line. There is a limit. I can only tolerate this to a certain point before..."

"Then you gotta tell them, captain. You gotta tell Fin and Munch. You gotta tell Stabler and..." seeing his heart breaking in his eyes as she spoke his reality Rollins added softly, "... and you gotta tell Benson."

"I know..." he nodded, slowly, steadily, with a measured smile of acceptance, "... I know, and I will."

"You gotta trust that she can handle this. You gotta trust that she's tough enough to have _your_ back for once. I know you want her in the room on this captain..." pushing the boundary once more Rollins ventured boldly, "... and she deserves to be. She deserves to know. They all do."

* * *

><p>"Hey..." called Olivia with a seesaw tone as she staggered through the door of her apartment with a brown bag of groceries in one hand and her cell phone and wallet clutched in the other, "... El? Evie? I'm home." When she got no response after several moments she added with a note of frustration, "A little help out here would be great if you guys aren't to..."<p>

"Check us out!" grinned Elliot, emerging from the bathroom with his entire face painted in orange and black stripes. As Olivia's eyes widened they moved from his face to Eve's, who was resplendent in a grey elephant costume. A chubby, pink cheeked grin revealed two lone bottom teeth as Eve reached up a hand to admire the long grey trunk protruding from the hood on her forehead. "Don't we look awesome?" asked Elliot, rearranging the droopy pink and grey ears falling about Eve's shoulders.

"You're a tiger and an elephant..." noted Olivia, her bad mood slowly evaporating as she flashed an amused smile, "... and you're both insane!"

"Grrrr!" replied Elliot, bouncing Eve jovially on his chest and crossing the room to kiss Olivia in greeting.

"Hey, hey you'll get that stuff on me!" she protested, as the orange and white around his lips transferred onto her.

"Stand still..." demanded Elliot, the only thing having been missing from his day now returned, "... I said _stand still_ grouchy."

"What?" she demanded, but when she settled momentarily he simply took the opportunity to lean in for a longer, lingering kiss that made her forget quite entirely about the tiger print he might leave on her.

"So can I take it that you two had fun with Eli at the zoo?"

"Man you should've seen him, Liv. His little face! He knew all the different animals and these crazy facts about where they came from and what they ate in the wild. He's gotten so smart this past few months and I didn't even notice till..." sighing with a shade of sadness creeping in Elliot shrugged, "... well it was just really great to spend some quality time with him is all."

"I bet it was." She smiled warmly, knowing just how important it was to him that Kathy was being so biddable with regards access to the kids.

"I saw this suit in the gift shop and just had to get it for her..." smoothing out the pink belly of Eve's costume over her rounded little tummy Elliot beamed, "... isn't it just the cutest thing?"

"You lose your shit around that kid, Detective Stabler." Replied Olivia with a loving but weary laugh as she rolled her eyes at Elliot's childish side. "But she's adorable..." was an easy admission from Olivia as she leant over to kiss the end of Eve's button nose adoringly, "... did you two eat already? Was there a feeding time at the zoo?"

"Very funny..." he groaned, setting Eve down on the counter and playing with her hands as they talked, "... but no, no there wasn't. I could make pasta? I think there might be salad from yesterday?"

"I'm not hungry..." for the first time he noticed how pale she looked, and when he thought about it how not herself she was, "... you guys have something. I'm gonna take a bath."

"You okay?"

"Just tired..." she shrugged, "... oh but before I forget we're not gonna get away with not going the whole nine yards for her birthday next week. Fin is planning a whole thing."

"Go on..." chuckled Elliot, "... kill me with it."

"I have no clue. It's a surprise apparently. All we have to do is get everyone together and he'll do the rest."

"He wants us to host a party in our shoebox?" asked Elliot with a cynical twist of his lips. "Is he serious?"

"You didn't see his face when I suggested we all just go out for ice cream instead."

"You know Mouse would probably rather just do that..." he laughed, stroking a hair from Eve's eyes, "... but then again you do only turn one once. So maybe we'll humour Uncle Fin for now."

"Can you believe she's almost a year old?" marvelled Olivia with an exhausted, yet awestruck sigh as she came over to them for cuddles.

"We've come a long way in that year." Noted Elliot, poignantly.

"Yeah and there were moments where I wasn't so sure she'd _make it_ to her birthday..." nuzzling Eve's cheek with her nose Olivia breathed, "... but you're a little ass kicker, aren't you baby girl?"

"Get at an early night, Liv..." stroking her face and realising just how tired she had been since returning to walk Elliot added softly, "... I'll try not to wake you when I come to bed."

"It's okay..." she smiled with tired, loving eyes, "... I don't mind."

"Yeah?" he asked curiously.

"Yeah..." shaking her head slowly she pressed her lips lightly against his and kissed him gently, "... yeah I like knowing you're there."

* * *

><p>"Four months, one week and six days ago I did something I'm not proud of. It was the darkest and the lightest moment of my entire life. It was selfish, it was desperate, it was a cry for help. It was me finally admitting that I've lost my way. I thought I had gained clarity but I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things. Four months, one week and six days ago I realised what I came here today to say..." rising from the plastic chair he had been sat on an unshaven, dark eyed figure confessed, "... my name is Nick Amaro and I'm an addict."<p>

"Hi Nick." Chorused the assembled group, all looking with eyes of empathy and compassion.

"Hang on!"

"Take your time..." not hearing the voice on the other side of her door as she staggered down the hallway in sweat pants and a old tank top splattered with magnolia emulsion Amanda Rollins fumbled with slippy hands at the lock, "... if it's a bad time I can..."

"Amaro?" with a sharp intake of breath she dragged wisps of blonde hair back from her eyes with a paint covered hand, smearing thick cream across her nose and forehead.

"Hi."

"I was just..." she stumbled, brow furrowed and feeling everything she was feeling with a painful acuteness, "... painting."

"I can see that..." came the lazy, tired but charming smile from her former co-worker as he reached out and wiped the paint from her nose, "... and getting more on you than the wall evidently."

"It's been _months_ Amaro." She managed finally, with a small voice but furious concern and confusion.

"I know."

"You just went MIA!" came the almost yelp from her as she attempted to mute her disbelief in light of his potentially still delicate state of mind.

"It all just got a little..." pausing for a beat he met her eyes and finished, "... much."

"I thought you were freakin' dead! I thought you had gone and _died_ on me Nick!" she cried, unable to hold back as memories of that day came flooding back and besieged her.

"I'm sorry."

"I..."

"That's what I came here to say. That I'm sorry for what I put you through Rollins. It was a lot, it was too much, it was..."

"You clean?" interjecting because anything other than the answer to that question suddenly was of supreme irrelevance to her.

"Four months, one week and six days."

"Well okay then."

"Okay then." He nodded awkwardly, suddenly a little unsure as to quite what was happening or what might happen next.

"You want coffee?" answered his question with the one he realised he had been hoping she might ask.

* * *

><p>"I thought you'd gotten past this."<p>

"I have." Replied Olivia through the midnight gloaming, as Elliot appeared in the doorway of Eve's tiny bedroom.

"I understood you coming in here to sleep when we first brought her home from the hospital but it's been months now. She's stronger than ever..." padding barefoot across the room Elliot knelt beside the rocker Olivia had been sat in for hours, "... and you're gonna burn out if you're not careful."

"I'm fine."

"God if you say that to me one more time I swear..."

"El don't bug me..." she implored of him, turning her head and reaching down to stroke at his face lightly with her fingertips, "... okay?"

"You're not right, Liv..." he spoke softly, so as not to wake Eve, "... and I'm worried about you."

"I don't come in here because I'm scared the way I used to be." She said after a short while of comfortable silence. "I just..." shrugging with a hopelessly adoration of the child sleeping on front of them Olivia smiled in wonderment, "... she's just incredible. She's my little miracle."

"Yeah, yeah she is."

"I'm not just being cute, El. From the outside looking in I was just a dyed in the wool cop who fell pregnant accidentally but the truth is I waited forever for her. I wanted to be a mother _so badly_ but the older I got the more impossible it seemed. The chances of women my age falling pregnant are slim enough but..."

"Where is this all coming from, babe?" he asked, sitting back on his ankles and reaching for her hand.

"You're in the middle of a messy divorce, three of your kids still aren't really speaking to you and these walls are practically buckling under the pressure of all the crap we've crammed into my single girl apartment."

"It's just gonna take time is all, we'll figure it out eventually..." knowing her all too well Elliot pressed, "... but what's really bothering you?"

"Time, time _is_ what's bothering me. It's like forty years of my life were at a regular, normal persons pace and then all of a sudden things started happening at warp speed. One minute I'm a single, middle aged SVU detective cooking meals for one and watching re-runs of Ellen each night and the next..." shaking her head, the notion making her quite breathless Olivia whispered, "... and the next I have _everything_ that I spent an entire lifetime wanting."

"You kinda make it sound like a bad thing!" he laughed softly.

"It's just overwhelming is what it is."

"It's lucky..." he corrected, holding her hand fast, "... is what it is."

"I never in a million years thought I'd get as lucky as I have which is why..."

"Liv? Seriously? Seriously..." he exhaled desperately, "... what the _hell_ is going on with you?"

"I'm not some naive teenager, I'm in my mid forties for crying out loud. I'm stressed as hell, I eat all the wrong things and I've barely slept in months with everything that's been going on so it's practically impossible that I..."

"Olivia?" asked Elliot, sensing they were no longer on the same page and that what lay on hers was much more than a rush of insecurities.

"Only it's not impossible El it's happening. It's happening to me. It's happening to us..." she clarified, sliding a hand to her stomach and swallowing hard in anticipation of the slightest face flicker of reaction from him, "... again."

"Are you saying what I think you are?" he asked, his breath baited as his eyes stared at her wide and disbelieving.

"Hell if you aren't the most fertile man on the damn planet Elliot Stabler."

"I should probably be freaking out right about now."

"Yeah."

"I should probably be scared out of my mind about how the hell we're gonna figure this one out."

"Yeah."

"But then I look at you and..." he choked, sinking his lips onto hers and kissing her hungrily, his arms coiling around her waist and hugging her in close, "... come here."

"Elliot!" came the gasping exclaim as Olivia threw her head back breathless and entreated, "Not in front of the baby!"

"Babies..." he murmured, lowering his hands to her stomach and holding his palms flush against her shirt as he met her gaze with eyes of heart stopping intensity.

"El..."

"I know..." he swallowed, closing his eyes with the enormity of it all and still at her feet lowered his head onto her lap and sighed, murmuring, "... I know, Liv. I know."


	38. The Locks And Walls And Peace It Buys

"So are they all set? Did they finally book that place we saw by the park?"

"Yup, it's almost a done deal..." arching a brow Fin quipped, "... you bought a hat?"

"I don't do hats."

"So you keep telling me but..."

"I've bought a dress though..." she interjected casually, watching a broad smile of appreciation spread across Fin's lips at her staunch support for both him and his son, "... it's purple."

"What kind of purple?"

"I dunno." She shrugged, leaning against the counter top in Melinda Warner's lab where they were waiting for DNA results. "Maybe eggplant?"

"Nice."

"You got your suit?"

"I was thinking that I could just..."

"You working next Thursday?" asked Olivia, tilting her head toward him with a wry smile.

"Nope."

"Pick us up mid morning..." she instructed, reaching over to pick a piece of lint from the collar of Fin's shirt, "... we'll get your suit and then you can take us out for lunch to that Italian place you and Evie go insane over."

"They do the best puréed veggies in all the land!" laughed Fin, his heart rushing with warmth at the prospect of a day out with his favourite little girl.

"I'm pretty sure El's on a late that day so we're all yours for as long as you can hack us."

"Sweet..." and then, because he couldn't help but ask Fin added, "... so how's it going bunking in with Stabler? You haven't killed each other yet so that's somethin' I guess."

"It's..." there were so many words and then suddenly none at all came to Olivia, so instead she simply shrugged, "... it's like I've never known any different."

"Sorry for the wait guys, we're having a little trouble getting going this morning."

"No worries, we're not in a mad rush." Shrugged Fin, as Warner re-entered the room.

"Excuse me..." gesturing down the corridor before making a subtle exit to stage left Olivia added, "... bathroom."

"You know this is the part where you're all smiley and happy for her Detective Tutuola."

"I am..." flashing her a toothy, exaggerated grin Fin added, "... see."

"After all the drama and chaos she's been through doesn't she deserve a little domestic bliss?" asked Warner, that instantly charming wry smile lighting her face and teasing him gently.

"With Elliot Stabler?" scoffed Fin. "Those two have always lived in a powder keg just waiting for the next spark. That won't ever change."

"Damn..." she surprised him with a wistful, near lustful exhale, "... what I wouldn't give for a relationship like that."

"Trouble in paradise?" her strange familiarity tempted him into prying.

"My husband is a meteorologist." Collecting up a handful of used swabs Melinda Warner attempted valiantly, but without success not to sound ungrateful with her lot. "He determines the weather conditions required to grow peanuts."

"Peanuts are good." Stated Fin, never having felt more like an idiot.

"Yeah, yeah they are..." she replied longingly, "... but then you eat them every day for a decade or so and, well, oh I dunno. They're just not a kernel you get excited about, you know?" Not for the first time Fin saw past the lab coat to the woman wearing it. The dark enigmatic eyes that, just occasionally, twinkled with a devilish suggestion that given chance she could be wilder than anyone would ever imagine.

"Unless you're allergic." Offered Fin with a poker straight face. As they both dissolved into silly, senseless, cathartic laughter Olivia returned from the bathroom with a puzzled expression. "That's pretty exciting."

"Did I miss something?"

"No, no not a thing..." dismissed Warner, glancing dancing eyes at Fin, "... but dang girl, you look a little green this morning."

"Yeah, yeah I guess the seafood I had last night isn't sitting so great..." equally dismissive Olivia plunged the room into an even more tense stale mate of the known and the unknown, "... but I'll be fine."

"You gonna be able to get those results for us then, doc?" asked Fin, attempting to break the tension. "We could call back later if not?"

"We could?" asked Olivia, not having thought a second drive by the lab was possible amid the lengthy list of tasks Cragen had set them before a regroup at the squad later that day. Then, not fully understanding Fin's strange expression but sensing she ought to go with it she added, "I mean _you_ could I guess, but I've got Evie from four."

"No, no just give me five minutes and I can get them for you now. Honestly..." with a tight, measured smile Warner battened her hatches, "... it's not a problem."

"Okay seriously, what did I miss?" asked Olivia, once Melinda was safely out of the room fetching their results.

"Don't pull that face at me, pretty girl."

"Face?" she asked, innocently.

"And don't think I haven't noticed you puking your guts up every day this week either..." narrowing his eyes suspiciously Fin added, "... seafood my ass."

"I..."

"The headaches, the yawning all the time, the fact that you've been a real treat to work with lately?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Stabler needs castrating..." quipped Fin darkly, "... _that's_ what I'm talking about."

"Fin!"

"So what? Do you guys think that the facts of life don't apply to you or something? Did you miss the birds and bees talk? I mean I know he's all Catholic and free love but you? I thought you had more sense."

"Okay you need to back off right now because..."

"I'd take a bullet for Evie and you know it but seriously? Are you _kidding_ me? Who's that dumb that they let this happen twice in..."

"Me." Replied Olivia with a brutal flatness and wall pinning glare.

"I..."

"Me, that's who Fin. I was _that_ dumb."

"Liv I didn't mean..."

"Yes you did and I don't care. Maybe we weren't as careful as we should've been but do you have any idea of the statistical likelihood of me getting pregnant _once_ at my age, with the level of stress you jackasses put me under every day?"

"Hey, hey I..."

"So you can judge me all you want but I _was _careful and it happened anyway. I don't know whether I screwed up or whether just for once someone up there decided to throw me a rope. They thought you know what? Let's just have her be _that_ dumb one more time before she dries up. Let's just roll the dice and see whether how much she loves that kid can stretch to two."

"Look all I'm sayin' is..." knowing she was no longer just talking to him, but to every other person who had yet to react to her news and perhaps even in part to herself.

"It is unexpected and inconvenient and I have no idea how this one is gonna play out but what I do know is that the last thing I need is a hard time from you." That one, he knew, was shot straight at him.

"How long would it have been before you fessed up if I hadn't guessed?" asked Fin, shutting her down.

"I..." she had missed the point, she realised suddenly.

"Forget it..." sloping toward the door Fin sighed sadly, "... I'll meet you in the car."

"Where'd he go?" asked Warner, remerging with a sheet of DNA breakdown.

"He, he ermm..."

"You know even as I'm looking at these something is a little off. I'm not happy with how this comparison is reading. I think I wanna run them again..." said Warner, with a deliberate tone and steady smile of attempted nonchalance, "... does he want to come back later after all?"

* * *

><p>"If I worked any other job I wouldn't be doing this for a long while yet but I can't take any chances so..."<p>

"You're not usually one to use ten words when two will do..." smiled Cragen, intrigued by Detective Benson's uneasy body language and languorously winding dialogue, "... so out with it. What's up, detective?"

"Two words, huh?" asked Olivia, nodding steadily. "I can do that."

"Liv?" he asked, growing concerned.

"I'm pregnant."

"No you're not."

"Excuse me?" she asked, a little stunned by his rapid retort.

"You wouldn't be that stupid twice."

"Captain!" she balked, her hands finding their way to a defensive stance at her hips. "I didn't come here to..."

"Fool you once, shame on him..." said Cragen with a brutal and unflinching delivery that floored her stomach, "... but fool you twice?"

"You don't mean that."

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Benson?" he asked emphatically. "You're shacked up in that tiny apartment with a man who is a _long_ way from divorced struggling to raise the _first _child you accidentally had with him."

"Okay we're done here..." holding her hands up to him she took backward steps, her eyes still imploring mercy of him as she made a steady retreat.

"What's it all been for, Olivia?" he called, the words removing her hand from the door and causing her to turn back with an expression that twisted from hurt to confusion. "If you give it all up now?"

"Cap I'm not giving anything up. I never said..."

"I saw it the first day you walked in that door all wide eyed and oh so green. Even then, even that first time I spoke with you I knew."

"I'm not sure _I know_ what you're..."

"You were so beaten up by the world, so young and unbending. You hadn't realised yet that it was those _exact_ scars you tried so hard to hide from the world that would make you great. That would make you one of the best detectives the 1-6 has ever seen. You've got a better gut instinct than anyone I've ever worked with."

"Yeah, yeah well I think this past year we've all seen how that isn't true..."

"All these years I've watched you, taught you, given you all the ammunition you'd need to one day..." pausing mid sentence Cragen rolled his shoulders and frosted over a rawness, a pain and a fear with an icy pitch, "... and you're just gonna throw it all away on a fairytale that will _never_ come true."

"I don't know what I did to deserve you being such a cruel son of a bitch but..." gasping in dumbstruck disbelief Olivia held a hand to her mouth and felt physically sick to her stomach.

"What happens now? What about the job that used to be your whole life? What about this squad? What the hell is gonna happen to this place when you're not here anymore?" she had no idea why he was talking this way, or how to even begin to wrap her comprehension around the utter devastation in Donald Cragen's eyes. "How can you even _think_ about leaving the 1-6?"

"I never said I was! I'm having a baby not _dying _Captain!" were words that resounded deeper in him than she could ever have known.

"You leave this time and I can't guarantee you a place at SVU when you come back."

"What?" blindsided by even the suggestion let alone the reality Olivia shook her head in amazement.

"I need this place to mean _everything_ to you Detective Benson." He challenged, the need coursing through every vein and thundering in his heart.

"You _know_ that it..." folding her arms across her stomach and refusing him her tears Olivia swallowed hard, gathered as much composure as she could manage and spat, "... I don't have to justify myself. Not even to you, captain."

"Get back in here, detective!"

"Go to hell!"

* * *

><p>"Baby? Well hey there, come see your momma..." dropping her bag at the door and tossing her keys long distance onto the work top Olivia didn't wait to remove her jacket before dashing across the room and scooping Eve up from her play mat, "... hey Evie baby, did you have fun with your Daddy? I missed you <em>all<em> day _long_ sweetie, did you miss me?"

"Course she did." Came a voice emerging from the bedroom as Elliot dragged a clean white t-shirt over his head and tossed an oil stained dirty one onto a pile of laundry he had evidently been collecting up. "And so did I."

"Hey..." smiled Olivia with a loving sigh, knowing she would never tire of coming home to him at the end of a long day, "... how's it going Mr Mom?"

"Well, we fixed the bathroom faucet..." wandering past Eve and Olivia as they cuddled he ruffled the baby's hair dotingly, "... didn't we Mouse?"

"Did you get to go to the hardware store?" cooed Olivia, making smiling bright eyed faces at Eve who just adored her mother wordlessly in reply.

"You know people just give her things? An old lady with blue hair? Two homemade cupcakes from her purse. This old dude with creepy Hoover glasses on the cash desk? A mini wrench, no charge. I tell you that kid is gonna be a nightmare when she hits her teens..." so spoke the voice not only of a protective father, she recognized, but of a seasoned SVU detective, "... that face ought to be illegal."

"You're just too gorgeous for your own good, aren't you Evie baby?" chuckled Olivia, dancing Eve on her hip as she removed her cell phone from her pocket and checked it for messages.

"I wonder where she gets it from..." forcing her to stand still a moment Elliot grabbed Olivia's elbow and held it fast, leaning in for the kiss he demanded of her every night they were all returned to the fold, "... rough day at the office?"

"No, no it was fine."

"Olivia..."

"Okay, okay, no using the 'f' word..." tossing her eyes at Eve she groaned, "... it was... liveable."

"Fin called."

"Yeah?" she asked, testing his potential bluff.

"And the Captain..." added Elliot, testing one toe in the water at a time, "... can I take it you did a little sharing today? Might it have something to do with your 'liveable' day?"

"I didn't expect people to jump for freakin' joy..." she sighed, setting Eve down on the counter and pinning her there with her stomach while she removed her jacket Olivia added, "... but they were pissed, El. Both of them."

"You didn't tell Fin..." knowing just exactly how hard he could push Elliot added, "... he guessed."

"Same difference."

"Not to him."

"I..."

"He's not pissed your pregnant, Liv..." taking her jacket from her and draping it over the back of the couch Elliot reached for her hand and lead her to sit down, "... he's pissed he had to figure it out for himself."

"I'm barely ten weeks gone! If that!" cried Olivia, muting her outrage a little for Eve's benefit as the precious little girl's ears pricked curiously. "We've not even gotten the first scan yet and he has no right to bust my balls on this one. And as for Cragen? Elliot you should've heard him today."

"He didn't give an inch when he called but I guess he panicked. He's holding that place together by a thread right now and he's already lost me. He just got you back and now you'll be back on restricted duties and then leave..." attempted to ease her obvious distress at what was a seemingly out of character reaction from their superior Elliot soothed, "... you gotta give the guy a break on this one. Give him a minute to catch his breath."

"This was bigger than the squad, El..." she mused, shaking her head with a faraway gaze, "... something isn't right. I don't know what but everything about that whole conversation I had with him felt way, way off."

"I guess you talk to him again. Try make sense of it."

"Here we go..." she sighed, closing her eyes and realising just how tired she was, "... running through tar again."

"No one ever said what we're trying to do here was gonna be easy..." smiled Elliot empathetically.

"I don't need easy..." she replied with a detected sigh, "... I just..."

"I gotta run and meet Kathleen but call Fin. Go round to his place and tell him he's on Mouse duty for the evening..." instructed Elliot, stroking her arm with the back of his hand before wrapping his fingers around her wrist and dragging her into his arms, "... you need a night off."

"Yeah, yeah I'll guess I could..."

"I mean it, Liv. I'm serious..." he spoke firmly, searching her face for accent with intent eyes, "... you gotta take your foot off the gas a little."

"I'll try."

"No, no you'll do better than try. I know you're stressed to hell and you won't relax till we get the first scan over with next week but you're not helping anything winding yourself up this tight. Fin's pissed because he doesn't like sharing his girls and who knows what's going on with Cragen but you wanna know the one thing we all have in common?"

"Bugging me?" she offered, with a mordant smile.

"We're all on your side..." he corrected, with a roll of his eyes, "... even if you are a giant pain in the ass."

"El doesn't it scare you?" asked Olivia simply, startling him a little with the boldness and stark vulnerability of her statement.

"Doesn't what scare me?" he asked with a gentle smile.

"All of it..." she shrugged, smoothing her blouse over the yet to become visible baby in her belly and closing her eyes overwhelmed, "... everything."

"Yeah, yeah sometimes."

"Really?"

"Some days it scares the crap out of me. You're working on my sixth kid and that is one hell of a responsibility. I'm not proud that we didn't see this one coming. I'm not proud that I can't say without a single doubt in my mind that we can give Mouse and whoever else we're waiting on everything they ever wanted but I can live with it. You know why?"

"Why?" she asked quietly, as he pushed a curtain of hair back from her face and nodded confidently.

"Because they're gonna have us and we're gonna love them and that's all we can do..." stroking her cheek lovingly Elliot affirmed, "... so get scared, freak out, it's okay. I got your back, partner."


	39. Try To Bow Out Gracefully

"I was wrong."

"Damn straight."

"Oh come on Fin!" cried Olivia with an emphatic roll of her eyes as she stood in Detective Tutuola's hallway clutching Eve and her dented pride. "You not even gonna meet me half way you stubborn son of a..."

"Oh!" rounding his mouth to a silencing gasp Fin grabbed at Eve who, recognising him instantly, sent up a delighted little giggle. Pinning her high up on his chest Fin flashed the animated little girl a toothy grin, "Let's not cuss in front of the little lady, doll face!"

"Doll face?" ever amazed by Fin's ability to come up with fondly teasing pet names for her Olivia followed him into his living room with a weary smile. "That's a new one."

"I was wrong too..." yielded Fin, the heady combination of Olivia's familiar perfume and the sweet baby smell in Eve's hair as he kissed it softening him, "... and I got way out of line at the lab earlier."

"So we're okay?" she tested, apprehensive. She couldn't bear it when they weren't.

"We're always okay..." holding Eve on one arm Fin reached out and pinched Olivia's cheek between his index and middle fingers, "... it'd take more than Stabler's super sperm to change that."

"I would've told you. We're at the hospital later this week for the first scan and after that I swear I'd have..."

"I know you would."

"So..."

"Can't you just let me admit I was an ass and drop it?" asked Fin, not seeing the need to delve further into the rhyme and reason of their earlier spat. "Why do women always need to start shrinking heads?"

"Did you seriously just play the 'women' card on me?" twisting her face in a disproving wince Olivia helped herself to an apple and laughed. "Only in case you didn't notice I'm a long way from being one of the delightful 'women' to which you refer."

"Yeah, yeah you are..." his words clung in the air between them for a moment, his dark eyes caring more than he dared to admit even to himself.

"Fin I'm not saying that me having another baby right now is the best idea in the world. I'm not even sure it's a _good_ one on paper. It wasn't planned and we were clearly not quite as careful as we should've been but somehow I don't really care. I trust Elliot. I trust what we have..." meeting his intensity and raising the bar as they moved to sit together on the couch Olivia added, "... and I wish you would too."

"Trust is earned, Liv."

"I guess."

"You trust him cos' you're in love him and love is hella blind even when you're _not_ a hormonal..."

"Careful." She warned, poker faced.

"I don't have to trust him yet..." replied Fin with a slow, steady determination, "... not with you, not Evie and not with whoever else you're working on."

"Always looking out for us, huh?" smiled Olivia, entirely accepting of and profoundly grateful for what he was saying.

"Always." He replied, unflinching.

"I need you, Fin."

"Yeah?" he asked, allowing himself to be honest in the insecurity that had led him to a harsh tongued display of feathers in Melinda Warner's office earlier that day.

"Don't ever think I've forgotten the way you were there for me when I was pregnant with her. You had our backs and I know still would even if things hadn't turned out the way they did with Elliot. Don't ever think for a minute you'll ever stop being a _massive_ part of her life..." tilting her head and saying that which she knew he desperately needed to hear Olivia moved her hand to touch lightly at her stomach and add warmly, "... and whoever else I'm working on."

"Yeah well just don't you forget it, doll face..." as she tossed her eyes at the repeated moniker Fin kissed Eve's temple and grinned, "... because I got the biggest, bestest first birthday _ever_ planned for your girl this weekend. Haven't I Evie baby?"

"Does it involve pink taffeta?" asked Olivia with a cynical eyebrow slope.

"Do you want it to?" shot back Fin, effortless able to match her dark humour with his quick wit.

"You do remember the size of my apartment, right? I mean you can get like six people in there at a time before you start needing to operate a one in one out door policy so..."

"Then it's a good job your momma ain't got more than six friends..." smirked Fin, pulling faces at Eve, "... isn't it bubba gump?"

"Seriously Odafin..." asked Olivia, a little ill at ease with what he was capable of dreaming up, "... should I be worried about what you're planning?"

"Just be at your place with little lady all dressed up for a party at lunchtime on Saturday..." he instructed cryptically, "... and you let me worry about the rest."

* * *

><p>"The guys said you've been out here a while."<p>

"Yeah, yeah I wasn't sure when you'd get done with your shift."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"No it's not, Kath." Said Elliot, emerging from the narcotics precinct and taking a seat beside his wife on the steps outside. "Only I don't know how to make it okay. Any of it. I just keep making it worse. With Maureen, with Dickie. Elizabeth. Lizzie just keeps telling me over and over on the phone how she's cool with everything but it's a lie. If it wasn't she'd see me and she won't. She won't see me. My own kids can't even bare to look at me."

"If you're looking for my sympathy..." began Kathy slowly, carefully, diplomatically.

"I'm tired of not being able to do anything but stand in front of you all apologising. I've said I'm sorry so many times that it doesn't even mean anything anymore. Only it doesn't change a damn thing. It doesn't make it hurt any less for any of you and..."

"And you might be sorry that we got hurt..." said Kathy quietly, "... but you're not a bit sorry that you're with her."

"No, no I'm not." Answered Elliot honestly, refusing to taint what he had with Olivia with any suggestion that he had given up his family for anything less than what he hoped was forever.

"I'll talk to Maureen."

"Kathy..."

"If she caves then the twins will follow. You know how they idolise her."

"You don't have to..."

"They need their father, Elliot. You left me not them and..." the words caught in her throat as she continued to struggling with the enormity of her reality Kathy sighed, "... they need to realise that."

"I got a letter today."

"Me too..." forcing a smile, remembering the shredding at her heart as she'd opened the divorce papers she had retrieved from their family mail box that morning Kathy winced, "... me too. That's why I came."

"This is real. This is really happening. We're getting a divorce."

"Yeah."

"I didn't think it would feel so...or that I would feel so..." he struggled, knowing he had no right to grieve what he had given away Elliot dropped his head into his hands to conceal the tears at his eyes.

"I feel numb." She stated, her heart in her throat.

"Yeah?" he asked, turning to her with a glassy red eyed gaze.

"I feel like I've been falling. For months now. Free falling. It's just all been so loud, it's been deafening. Like all I could hear all day every day was screaming and then it stopped. Everything stopped. You were gone and the kids won't talk. No one talks, Elliot. We're all just stuck in this space. I was falling and then I landed. I landed in this giant white space where there's no sound. It's silent and it's empty and I can't think or feel anything at all..." catching her breath and realising hot tears were escaping involuntarily Kathy gasped, "... except lonely."

"Kath..."

"I feel lonely, El."

"I..."

"It's over."

"Yeah."

"Everything we had. Everything we were. Our family?" and there it was. In one tiny, bullet that had shot out of a gun a year ago and blown a hole clean through Kathy Stabler's heart and soul. "It's all over."

"Kathy I don't know what to say."

"I hope it's worth it..." said Kathy, reaching into her purse and retrieving a brown envelope she handed to him with a look of abject desolation and heart broken loss, "... I hope _she's_ worth it."

As she walked away, growing smaller with each step she took away from him down the sidewalk Elliot reached into the envelope and finally surrendered to tears on seeing her copy of their divorce papers. Her signature scrawled on the dotted line ending their marriage.

* * *

><p>"You coming back?" asked Rollins, coming up behind Nick Amaro as he cleared a few possessions from his locker at the 16th.<p>

"No, no just tying up a few loose ends with the captain. I'm taking some more time."

"Sure, sure that makes sense." Was not quite the sentiment that Rollins' had held in her head, and she winced slightly at the words falling from her mouth. "Well, what I mean is I can see why that's a good idea. I mean it's good. A good thing."

"Are you okay?" asked Nick, a little more colour back in his cheeks every time she saw him."

"Fine." She lied, wondering whether it was as painfully obvious to him as it was painful to her how ill at ease she felt.

"Only I know things were pretty dark for a while back there and you were in the firing line for most of it..." lowering his eyes Nick took a moment before adding, "... and I don't think I ever really got around to thanking you for what you did."

"You don't have to..."

"Yeah, yeah I do."

"Nick I don't want you to. I don't want you to thank me. I can't stand it unless you can look me in the eye and..." and then, as it was ever wont the truth found a crack from which to illuminate, "... forget it..."

"No, no wait?" he called, stepping forward and grabbing at a handful of her jacket sleeve. "What is it? Rollins?"

"When they admitted you to the ER they called it an accidental overdose."

"Yeah, yeah they..."

"In the ambulance they asked a whole bunch of questions and I evaded every one like I was in the freakin' interrogation room. They assumed you were on pain meds and you just got confused. You doubled a dose by mistake. It was an accident."

"Like I said I am so grateful that you..."

"It wasn't an accident..." she stated, before stealing his breath with a unyielding stare from ice blue eyes, "... was it Nick?"

* * *

><p>"I wasn't sure you'd come."<p>

"Me neither." Replied Olivia honestly, sliding her purse from her shoulder and setting it down beside her chair as she took a seat opposite Cragen in a regularly frequented coffee shop near the precinct.

"I'm sorry, Liv."

"What the hell was that, captain?" she asked, having known from the moment she had stormed from his office that there had to be more to it. Donald Cragen was many things but a cruel man wasn't one of them. "You just came at me out of nowhere. I know my being pregnant again is inconvenient but..."

"No, no it is not."

"I..."

"It's wonderful Olivia. Nothing less. There was no part of me that meant those terrible things I said about you, Stabler, or Evie the other day. I was just pissed off and I took it out on the easiest target..." it was the most exposed she had ever seen him, and when she ought to be comforted by his apology this only made her more uneasy, "... the one I could most trust to forgive me."

"Captain you know I'm not one to pry but..." gratefully accepting a steaming mug of coffee from the waitress Olivia took a loaded pause before asking, "... is there something I should know?"

"Don't give your whole life to this job, Liv."

"Cap..."

"It sucks you in. You start out a safe distance from it all. There's a line. A clear, defined line between where you end and the job begins. Going in you know it'll change you. No one with a soul works SVU and comes out the same person they went in. Only you let that line blur? You start pulling doubles, triples, you lose touch with even your oldest friends because they get all too used to never once coming first. No one person in your life ever seems to be more important than catching just one more perp, than taking just one more child molester, just one more rapist off the streets. What started out as a job becomes an obsession. What began as a noble crusade..." he was scaring her now, he in all his wisdom and sadness, "... becomes a disease. It eats you alive."

"Are you trying to tell me you quit?"

"I'm trying to tell you that I have cancer."

"What?" choking on a gasp Olivia stared dumbstruck.

"Liver. Stage two. Treatment aggressive and hopeful." He summarised with a succinct maintaining of the barrier he required to remain composed.

"I don't know what to..."

"Don't ever let me hear you talk about you having a baby as being inconvenient Olivia..." then, softening to a loving eyed smile Cragen sighed tritely, "... no matter how much of a jackass I am."

"Captain you..." realising her grip on the back of the chair she was propping herself up with had grown so tight her knuckles were white and her fingers beginning to ache, "... you have cancer?"

"Yes."

"Liver cancer." She stated, no longer needing clarification but understanding perfectly.

"You dare cry on me Benson..." he warned, more desperate love than menace in his voice, "... God knows the look on your face right now is worse than the diagnosis itself."

"I'm sorry..." she managed quietly, it being all she could find in her to say in that moment and knowing it covered so many of the million emotions both of them were enduring, "... I'm so sorry."

"Me too."

"What happens now?"

"The same thing that always happens when we take a hit..." shrugged Cragen pragmatically, loosening the knot of his tie a little and exhaling, "... we take a breath, we get back up, and we walk on."

"What can I do?" she asked, her dark eyes vowing to him unconditionally that whatever he answered she would do.

"Take your sergeants exam."

"I... " it was not, by any means, what she had expected in reply.

"Then right after you nail it take your lieutenants exam."

"No." She replied firmly, suddenly understanding where this was going.

"You were born for this, Benson. Becoming a mother will only make you better. It's what'll take you from Detective to..."

"One minute you're telling me not to let the job become my life and now you're telling me to go for promotion?"

"I..."

"And don't think I don't know what you're doing because I do..." she replied calmly, steadily, and with a steely stubbornness in her eyes he knew all too well, "... and I want no part in it."

"You can't stare down the barrel of a gun anymore, Liv..." he had wisdom, she realised, beyond which even she could ever predict or comprehend and he knew her better than she knew herself at times, "... it isn't fair to your kids."

"You want me pushing paper behind a desk because it's safer?" she asked, hostile only in fear. "Because it's easier?"

"You think my job is easy?" he challenged quickly.

"I knew it. I knew it..." she spoke with a cut glass fragility, shaking her head and staring at him through misty eyes, "... this isn't about my kids. It's about you. It's about you setting me up to step into shoes I can't and won't fill."

"Times are changing Detective Benson..." said Cragen, "... things move on."

"And people die?" she snapped hotly. "Is that where you're going with this one?"

"It isn't..."

"Only I'm gonna get ahead of the curve and tell you I won't be sitting any exams. I'm just gonna take some time, have this baby and then go back to work when I'm ready. The same way you're gonna get treatment, get better and do the exactly the same.

"Liv..."

"Times change, things move on and I get that. I'm not naive..." leaving her seat and shutting down the conversation resolutely Olivia added, "... but if you think I'm gonna plan you funeral you can forget it."

* * *

><p>"Hey."<p>

"Hi."

"You're late." Noted Elliot, as Olivia slid under the comforter beside him and allowed her head to fall back onto the pillow with an exhausted exhale.

"Sorry."

"My day sucked too..." murmured Elliot, gently teasing his arm under Olivia so he might drag her gently into his arms, "... you wanna talk about it?"

"You saw Kathy?" feeling the light bristle of his six o'clock shadow against her cheek as he nodded to the affirmative Olivia closed her eyes. "It went really well then, huh?"

"Divorces don't go well..." he warned, never wanting to deceive her of just how long and painful the road ahead would be, "... that's why include the whole till death us do part clause."

"Go figure." Chuckled Olivia, understanding his dark humour and relaxing back into the cocoon of his arms.

"You saw Cragen?" echoing her question he already knew from her mood and the tense grip the day held over her body that it hadn't gone any better. "That went really well too, huh?"

"I'll tell you about it tomorrow."

"Sure."

"Evie?" asked Olivia, twisting her neck and finding his eyes.

"Fed, bathed, down for the night..." smiled Elliot, coiling his arms around her waist and laying his palms flat against her stomach, "... how about you, you doing okay? You look tired."

"I am." She admitted, in a rare confession of mortality as he simply fell quiet and they drifted off into a comfortable sleep.


	40. Hold My Hand And It's Better Than Love

"There it is..." beamed the redheaded midwife, her cheeks sprinkled with endearing freckles and her smile wide as she looked down at relieved parents, "... one strong, healthy little heartbeat."

"You hear that?" grinned Elliot, his elbows resting on the bed beside Olivia. Clutching her hand tightly with both of his he kissed her knuckles and felt his face ache from the muscle stretching grin he couldn't help but pull from ear to ear, "Healthy and strong..." he echoed, "... that's all we needed to hear."

"Your little one is looking a good size for 13 weeks as well. Now if you guys want to sit tight a second I'm just gonna run out and grab a couple of things before I give you a predicted due date so..." looking down at her patient and seeing how Olivia's eyes hadn't left the ultrasound monitor since the baby had first appeared on it the midwife smiled, "... you two take a minute and I'll be right back."

"El?" it was the first time since they had arrived at the hospital that Olivia had spoken, and it showed in the low husk of her voice once they were alone in the exam room.

"What?" he asked, as she turned her head and met his gaze with her unfathomable brown eyes glistening with tears. Reaching to her face he stroked away a tear from the corner of her eyes with his thumb and cupped her face tenderly, "Huh?"

"I love you."

"You getting soft in your old age Detective Benson?" he teased gently, his own eyes misting in an involuntary response at seeing her cry.

"You're an ass!" she baulked, rolling her eyes and dabbing away the gel smeared across her stomach. Rolling down her blouse she swung her legs back over the side of the bed and pretended to ignore his hands on her knees, sliding possessively up the thighs of her jeans and dragging her straddled around his middle. "What are you doing?"

"Look at me?" he requested, moving his hands to the small of her back and sliding her to the very edge of the bed until her legs were hugged around him. "Hey, hey I want your eyes?"

"Really?" she quickly retorted. "Only it's not my _eyes_ you're grabbing at right now so..."

"Olivia?" he persisted, finally achieving her full attention. "We're having a baby."

"Huh." She smiled, softening instantly.

"We're having a baby..." he repeated, broad hands stroking at the base of her spine, "... together."

"You do realise we already did that? Brown hair, blue eyes..." twisting her lips to a wry smile Olivia asked sardonically, "... you met our daughter Evie right?"

"You're funny."

"I'm hilarious."

"And I'm serious, Liv because we _didn't_ do this once already." He had her attention now, and she was hanging on his next words. "You might've been carrying my daughter but you were having a baby with Fin."

"El..." she sighed, shaking her head sadly.

"No, no I'm not raking over old ground to pick a fight or guilt trip you I just..." falling forward he closed his eyes and pressed his mouth against hers, kissing the soft, warm familiarity of her lips and claiming her all over again as his before murmuring, "... this just means everything to me. That's all."

"I wanted you there."

"Yeah?" he asked, softly.

"You have no idea how badly."

"Yeah well I think Fin did a pretty awesome job filling in for me." Acknowledged Elliot, forever grateful of his friend's loyalty in his absence.

"And I love him for everything he did..." smiled Olivia lovingly, before closing her eyes and buying herself in Elliot's arms inhaling, "... but he was never you."

* * *

><p>"You going to Evie's party?"<p>

"The kid is twelve months old..." replied Nick Amaro, distractedly stacking sugar cubes on his kitchen work surface, "... what the hell does she care who goes to her damn party."

"Do you have any idea how much effort Fin has put into organising this crazy thing?" shot back Rollins, prickling at the backwards steps he had taken of late.

"None at all."

"There are jungle masks."

"Like gurkas?"

"Like elephants..." replied Rollins, refusing to give his self indulgent petulance an inch in which to expand, "... and tigers, and bears and..."

"Lions and tigers and bears..." dark eyes widened mockingly, "... oh my!"

"You're an asshole."

"I didn't invite you here."

"It isn't just about Evie..." she began, before seeing that all too familiar faraway look in Nick's eyes and sighing, "... but what the hell do you care, huh?"

"I don't."

"Go figure..." throwing her head back and exhaling loudly Rollins gave up folding his laundry and retrieved her keys and purse from the breakfast bar, "... go fucking figure."

"Rollins..."

"You know you're gonna have to leave this house someday Nick. You're gonna have to hang out with people other than me and..."

"I wouldn't even be hanging out with you if it wasn't a rehab mandate."

"Nice..." she nodded slowly, ice blue eyes stinging with the burn of his venomous words, "... real nice Amaro."

"Amanda..." he called, as his door thudded behind him and his heart fell ten stories. For the entire hour she had been there he had wanted for nothing more than her to leave him alone in his wretched misery. Now the silence of her absence was deafening. He wished her back. He wanted her back. He needed her back.

* * *

><p>"I've heard it said that I'm the least maternal creature on this planet. Darwin roles in his grave when I glare disapprovingly at kids ruining a fine dining experience with sticky fingers and ketchup. Mothers shoot pitying, disapproving glances at me as I politely decline to hold their snotty, drooling little darlings..." peering over dark rimmed glasses at her old friend Alex Cabot smiled wryly, "... and yet..."<p>

"And yet?" challenged Olivia, taking a sip of tea and daring the ADA to finish her sentence with a glimmering smile in her eyes.

"And yet your daughter is singlehandedly reprogramming my genetic predisposition to avoid babies at all costs..." the dozy, drooping eyed little doll in her arms lolled against her Chanel blouse and pressed a warm set of chubby fingers against her chest, "... aren't you Evie Grace?"

"You should consider yourself one of a chosen few she'll still be a baby for..." noted Olivia, impressed with Alex's counter intuitive baby whispering skills, "... she won't even be a baby like that for Elliot some days."

"Be a baby?" queried Alex with a curious smile. "What exactly does that consist of?"

"See how she's not trying to stand up in your lap and trample you like a herd of cheetahs pounding the plains? The way she's not trying to gnaw off your fingers or any other outer laying limbs?" offered Olivia with a shrug of kudos. "You're a regular little mother earth and you didn't even know it ADA Cabot."

"What can I say..." replied Alex, pausing for a enigmatic little sigh before confessing, "... she gets to me."

"Yeah well you can trust me when I say that you have _no idea_ what's coming for you in the space of a year..." marvelled Olivia, hugging her green tea and desperately wishing it was a strong black coffee.

"There's someone."

"A guy?" they were not, ordinarily, two girls who did lunch and exchanged boy drama. Their shared meals were usually consumed while hotly debating their latest mutual case or the current hot button issue in the precinct but times were indeed changing.

"We met online. Don't judge."

"Not judging."

"He's cute, funny, smart..." ever a little buttoned up with regards her personal life Alex shrugged lightly, "... we're a good fit."

"Do you like him?" asked Olivia, implying something deeper than his being passable company.

"There's something else I haven't told you. Something I've been meaning to mention but there never seemed a good time and then before I knew it things had gotten way more serious than..."

"Oh God..." said Olivia, leaning forward slightly, "... you're not..."

"No! No not me!" assured Alex, realising she had inadvertently made her news pale in comparison to what Olivia was obviously now assuming. "Not me..." she repeated, waiting for Olivia's face to fall before adding quietly, "... David Hayden."

"What about him?" asked Olivia, not entirely sure what she felt at the mention of his name.

"He got engaged to one of his old law school friends about two weeks ago..." rushed Alex, almost falling over the words in a bid to expel them as quickly as possible, "... they're set to marry in Sag Harbor in the fall."

"Wow."

"Are you okay? I mean I thought it was better you heard it from me than..." pausing for a moment, her eyes narrowing in concentration as she attempted to decipher Olivia's expression Alex held her tongue."

"Alex I'm fine."

"You are?" tested the ADA, not doubting anything until she had irrefutable proof.

"It's great news..." it heartened Alex to realise just how sincere Olivia was in her sentiment, "... good for him."

"Yeah, yeah good for him."

"I mean it Alex. I'm glad he's moving on. I think we both knew by the end that we weren't a right fit, maybe part of us knew it from the start we just weren't ready to admit it..." shrugged Olivia honestly, "... we got blindsided by how easy it was. In one time and place for a little while there we were good for each other. It was easy."

"Life with Detective Stabler isn't quite so easy, huh?"

"Are you kidding?" laughed Olivia dismissively. "He's the most obstinate, angry, pig headed, infuriating man I've ever known let alone shared a crib with!"

"And you couldn't love him more..." stated Alex with a knowing smile, not really needing to clarify, "... could you?"

"I'll keep him around a little while longer." Replied Olivia, with what Alex could only describe as a fleeting moment of coy from a usually imperturbable Olivia.

"You know if I could bottle that sickening glow you've got going on right now I could give up the ADA gig and retire to Palm Springs on my ill gotten gains."

"You'd hate palm springs." Replied Olivia with an instant, dead pan retort.

"Touché..." smiled Alex warmly, not realising the instinctive rocking motion her arms had been involuntarily making had lulled Eve into a contented slumber, "... touché Detective Benson."

* * *

><p>"Look baby girl, what can we see?"<p>

"Mama!" blowing teething bubbles between little pink lips Eve's big blue eyes stared saucer like at her mother. "Mama!"

"Yeah, yeah I'm your mama but look..." reaching up and tugging lightly at the collection of colourful balloons strung up from the kitchen cabinet Olivia made excited faces and encouraged, "... what colour are these balloons Uncle Fin made for you? And see how they all have your name on them? E-v-i-e, what does that spell baby girl?"

"Mama..." batting at the blue balloon in Olivia's hand Eve turned inward and wrapped her arms possessively around her mother's neck, "... my mama."

"You really nailed your first word, didn't you smart girl?" laughed Olivia, cuddling her close and kissing at chubby little cheeks that proudly repeated.

"Mama."

"That's me, kiddo. You got it in one..." heart fluttering at the adorable little face Eve pulled as her kisses ticked her nose Olivia joked smilingly, "... but you know we should probably start working on dada now because your Dad is pretty competitive and we're not gonna hear the end of it until..."

"So this is where my girls have been hiding!" cried Fin, tossing a packet of cheesy chips onto the counter and presenting his hands to Eve. On seeing his bear like frame enter her eyeline Eve's face lit up, and with impressive force she began to lean out of Olivia's arms and wave her hands toward Fin. "Come see your favourite uncle, baby girl!"

"We were just checking out all these awesome decorations, weren't we sweetie?" and then, purely for Fin's benefit Olivia noted earnestly, "The blue ones are her favourite."

"Did you see they all got her name on them, right there?" proudly pointing out the carefully etched letters on each of the balloons and along the ribbon Fin was almost too lovable for Olivia to handle. "See?"

"Fin it's amazing..." she stated simply, her hand falling to rest on his forearm with a gentle squeeze, "...all of it. All this for her? It's incredible. Thank you."

"Yeah well, she deserves it..." jiggling Eve lightly up and down Fin pressed a kiss against her dark hair, pulled back into a pink bowed little pineapple at her crown and added, "... don't you princess?"

"Did you see Cragen rocking his tiger hat?" asked Olivia, gesturing into the lounge where Captain Cragen was engaged deep in conversation with ADA Cabot, both sporting a pointy jungle themed chapeau.

"I still can't believe the Cap came. He was on the fence right up until this afternoon..." furrowing his brow slightly, still puzzled quite as to what had changed Cragen's mind Fin shrugged, "... but you got some serious pull with the chief, ladies. Both of you."

"You talked to him lately?" asked Olivia, attempting her best nonchalance.

"Should I have?" asked Fin, reading between her lines effortlessly. Then, seeing she was either unable or unwilling to venture any further down that particular line of conversation he changed direction, "So can I assume no news is good news from your appointment yesterday?"

"Oh God I meant to call you..." winced Olivia, turning back from the nibbles spread and popping an animal shaped cookie into her mouth.

"I'm bruised but I'll get over it..." rolling his eyes drily Fin added, "... so long as you're bun is cookin' the way it's supposed to."

"Did you just..."

"Liv!"

"Strong heartbeat, healthy baby..." said Olivia with a soft voice so as not to break her news to anyone she wasn't ready to hear it, "... and we have something to show you don't we Evie?"

"Something to show me, baby girl?" he asked, as Olivia beckoned him mysteriously toward Eve's bedroom.

"It's all El's doing..." explained Olivia, opening the door to Eve's modestly sized nursery and shutting the door behind them, "... he's gotten a little nutty."

"Our new baby..." read Fin, his eyes following the large letters stuck in a rainbow shape on the back of Eve's door, "... well now, what's this all about Evie baby?"

"Apparently he did it for all his other kids." Explained Olivia, running her fingertips over the scan of her unborn child pinned under a banner of '13 weeks'.

"So your Daddy's gonna stick one of these up every time your momma has a scan huh?" asked Fin, holding the attention of a bright eyed Eve effortlessly. She was in awe of him.

"Something about making her feel part of having another baby..." smiled Olivia, remembering the excitement in Elliot as he'd told her all about it, "... instead of feeling like she's being usurped from her Queen Bee throne."

"He gets that she's like 1 year old, right?" asked Fin, as they wandered back into the party. "Does she really have a clue what's going on here?"

"I have no idea but I bow down to the higher parenting power on stuff like this..." shrugged Olivia, flashing a smile, "... he's got seven to my one so I figure..."

"Are my ears burning?" asked Elliot, moving over to join them and rearranging the elephant hat on his head. "Also I'm not seeing any hats happening on this side of the room. Are Fin and mommy being boring?" he asked of Eve, who's eyes danced on his every word.

"We ran out so we're taking one for the team aren't we Odafin?" replied Olivia, as the three sank into conversation in one corner of the lounge.

"Look at the lovesick dude..." tossing his eyes in faux derision Rollins turned to Munch and sighed, "... he can't keep his freakin' eyes off her."

"Stabler just hit the female jackpot..." smirked Munch, watching Elliot unable to keep his hands from Olivia as she juggled Evie on one hip and poured virgin punch with her free hand while bantering with the two men in her life, "... he gets a free pass on the puppy dogs for a while."

"You know sitting here looking at all this is the strangest thing. It's like I can't even remember a time where things were anything different than they are right now. Where those two ever _not_ the Ricky and Lucy of SVU?"

"For about five minutes when Benson first arrived at the 1-6..." twisting his mouth to a knowing smile of recollection Munch sat back in his seat and gestured his hand toward Elliot, "... and then Stabler walked in and the rest, as they say, his history."

* * *

><p>"Dickie..."<p>

"It's Richard."

"I..."

"I don't go by Dickie anymore..." repeated a sullen faced young man where Elliot's little boy had one sat, "... it's Richard."

"When did that happen?" asked Elliot with a soft laugh.

"While you were off screwing your partner." Replied his son, eliciting a widening of eyes from his twin who sat on the opposite side of the Stabler's dining table with her heart in her mouth.

"I'm really sorry for the way things have turned out for you guys..." began Elliot quietly, realising he had neither a roadmap nor an intrinsic sense of direction to gain his bearings on the new territory they were attempting to chart together, "... but you should know that..."

"No you're not." Stated Dickie flatly. "Not now you've got your new famiy."

"Dickie that isn't..." feeling as though no matter what he said he was simply swimming against an ever strengthening tide Elliot simply stared at his son and shrugged, "... you _are_ my family. Nothing will ever change that."

"Fine. Fine, whatever. I don't even care anymore. Nothing is ever gonna be the same again now you've screwed it all up. Everything is ruined so what's the point in even trying." Shrugging his shoulders with tangible distain Dickie swallowed hard against rising bile and looked to his sister for support. "Well? Aren't you even gonna say anything Lizzie?"

"I have to go meet my friends..." was all she could manage, quietly and forlornly as she rose from the table with a tensed body and pounding heart, "... I'm sorry Dad. I have to go."

"That's okay, that's fine maybe we can do this again..." as the screen door slammed hard behind Elizabeth he sighed, "...soon."

"Don't count on it..." stated Dickie flatly, rising from the table and throwing his plastic beaker into the sink with a clunk before sloping out of the room without further word to Elliot.

"Dickie wait?" called Elliot, rising from his chair and realising he hadn't thought through what words could come next.

"When you wake up in the night you can hear her crying..." stated the boy who would to his family always be Dickie, and breaking his father's heart he added poignantly, "... mom cries all the time now."

"Dad?" asked Maureen, arriving home ten minutes later with Eli in one hand and a bag of groceries in the other.

"Daddy!" went up a jubilant cry as Eli ran to his father, stemming a little of the devastation flowing from the open wounds Dickie had carved in Elliot.

"Eli! My little man! How's it going?" as Eli proceeded to tell his Dad of the dinosaur project he was completing for preschool Maureen went back out to the car. Returning a few moments later with the rest of the groceries, and Kathy.

"Come on upstairs with me Eli..." said Kathy, unflinching at Elliot's presence in their kitchen as she held her hand out to her son, "... we need to go pack a bag for your sleepover so I can run you over to Josh's place."

"You changed your hair." Noted Elliot, when he and Maureen were alone in the kitchen.

"Yeah."

"It suits you."

"Please don't make me do this with you Dad?" entreated Maureen, twisting her face in recoil at Elliot's attempt at pleasant small talk.

"I was just..."

"I know what you were doing and I want no part of it."

"Neither do the twins..." sighed Elliot, unable to maintain his facade of brave indifference and caving to the deep sadness inside, "... they can't even seem to stand being in the same room as me let alone..."

"If you can't figure out why the twins can't stand being around you then you're an even bigger idiot than I thought Dad!"

"Don't talk to me like that Maureen..." cautioned Elliot with a firm kindness, "...whatever else is going on, whatever I've done I am _still_ your father."

"And that won't ever change." Conceded Maureen with a helplessly sad little smile.

"So..."

"Nothing will ever change that you're our dad or how much we love you..." interjected Maureen boldly, "... but everything else? Everything else has changed. Especially for them."

"I know."

"Their whole world has been turned upside down and they couldn't do a damn thing to stop it. They just woke up one morning and you were gone to live with her!"

"I know that."

"They don't remember what I remember about you and Olivia. They don't know what Kathleen and I have _always_ known..."

"Maureen..." he began, her awareness of the longevity of his relationship with Olivia and her ability, even in anger, not to trivialise it was stunning to him.

"And now all they can do is sit on the wrong side of a closed door listening to mom crying. You made their mom cry..." stated Maureen with the brutal truth of it all, "... and that is _all_ they can think or feel when they look at you right now."

"Them..." he asked with a husky voiced apprehension, "... or you, baby?"

"You broke her heart, daddy!" came the emphatic cry from Maureen as she allowed the raw heat of her pain to melt away years of maturity so she was simply his little girl again. Kathy's was not the only heart breaking and he could see it in her eyes in that moment.

"I know, baby..." reaching out and attempting to comfort her Elliot was met with a sharp flinch and white hot eyes not ready to forgive or begin healing, "... Maureen..."

"I **idolised **you."

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry to get her out of bed..."<p>

"Don't even..." began Olivia, the driver's door of her car still swinging open where she'd swerved to a halt at the side of a suburban Queen's street, "...come here."

"I couldn't drive..." managed Elliot, his jaw wired so tightly in suppression of emotion's he couldn't even begin to process that forcing out words without breaking was nigh on impossible.

"It's okay." She stated assuredly, smelling beer on his breath.

"No it isn't, Liv..." he managed quietly as she settled beside him and draped herself around him with arms that felt like home, "... no it isn't."

"But it will be. It's just gonna take some more time."

"You didn't see her face. Maureen she..."

"Shh, shhh I'm right here..." soothed Olivia, whispering reassurances as she pressed her forehead against his and held him fast, "... I gotcha."

"I should've taken a cab..." cursing himself for not thinking more before he instinctively dialled her cell Elliot rubbed his eyes and allowed them to focus on Eve sleeping in her car seat a meter away, "... look at her out in the middle of the night in her PJs!"

"Elliot stop it, just stop it okay?"

"I..."

"You call me. You've had a drink, you're sick, you're hurt or you're in trouble and you call me. It doesn't matter if it's late or Evie has to come out in her PJs or I have to drive across the freakin' country..." reaching out and laying her warm palm against his cheek Olivia smiled determinedly, "... you call me."

"A guy shouldn't drag his pregnant partner out of bed to come..."

"You said it, El..." she interposed, eyes filled with love and unwavering loyalty, "... we're partners. We're in this together, that's how it works. That's how it's always worked."

"I should've fought for you, Liv."

"What?" she asked, a little thrown.

"After the shooting, after the ball, when you were shacked up with Hayden..." shaking his head wistfully Elliot choked, "... I should've fought harder for us."

"Yeah, yeah you should've..." nodded Olivia steadily, sliding her free hand into his and holding it tightly, "...we both should've."

"It wasn't that I ever loved you any less than I do right now I just..."

"You were terrified of the way Maureen looked at you tonight."

"She hates me, Liv."

"No, no she's mad as holy hell at you. They all are. But they don't hate you..." shaking her head with absolute certainty Olivia assured him, "...they never could."

"Did you ever think we'd be here?"

"Did I think I'd be sat on the sidewalk at midnight wearing a t-shirt, your old socks, a coat and not a lot else?" quipped Olivia with a wry smile. "Not really."

"I'm certain of us Olivia." Was, she realised as she was suddenly unable to catch her breath, the single most powerful statement anyone had ever uttered.

"Yeah?" she pushed, almost needing to hear it again.

"Maybe I didn't fight for us when I should've done but I always knew it'd be you in the end. I didn't know when or how but it was always you. It will always be you. I need you to know that. No matter how long it takes for my kids to forgive me it won't change anything. I'm gonna be hauling your pregnant ass out of bed and making you drag our kid across town to bail me out for the rest of our lives..." draping his arm around her he pressed a kiss against her cheek and affirmed, "... that sound like something you could be okay with?"

"Well I dunno..." she teased, feeling only slightly guilty at the concern washing over his face, "... who's gonna clean up all the party crap still decorating our apartment?"

"I am."

"Right answer, cowboy..." hauling herself up from the curb Olivia held out her hand and waited for Elliot to drop his into it, "... let's go home."


	41. At Last We Meet On No Man's Land

"I just can't see it."

"Are you looking?" teased Fin, heartened beyond words to have Detective Benson back at the 1-6.

"Why does a guy with looks, football and girlfriend who knows Victoria's Secret need to be hanging around in some dive bar at some ungodly hour in the morning picking up a hooker twice his age?" challenged Olivia, scanning an expert eye across a back catalogue of their potential perp's bank statements.

"Playing football and having a hot girlfriend doesn't make you any less liable to wander off the beaten track..." mused Munch, never having cared for the particular profile himself, "... in fact you could argue it's spoiled little rich girl syndrome."

"Maybe _you_ could..." said Fin, not following, "... and then maybe we'd know what the hell you were chattin' old man."

"It's never the poor kid who steals the Fendi purse on a Saturday afternoon..." proffered Munch with a shrewd arch of his eyebrow, "... they're too busy pulling a double at Taco Bell. It's the bored, ignored, Upper East Side princess screaming 'pay me some attention daddy' who didn't actually _need_ to steal but does it anyway for the thrill."

"Rudi doesn't need to go to a dive bar to pick up women..." nodded Fin, understanding Munch's point and finding it strangely plausible, "... but he does it anyway. Because he can."

"Boy are you guys gonna wanna get Warner a better Secret Santa next year."

"Results back already?" asked Olivia, turning to greet Amanda Rollins as she joined the discussion.

"I want Liv again next year..." interjected Munch, away in his own world momentarily, "... and I request another pair of the snuggliest PJs known to man."

"You don't get to pick your _Secret_ Santa, John..." smiled Rollins fondly, "... or what they're gonna get you as a surprise gift."

"And did you just say _snuggliest_ PJs..." cringed Fin, pulling a horrified face, "... dude we need to start hanging out more again."

"I'm not the one who abandoned the nice thing we had going for play dates with a certain blue eyed..."

"Okay seriously girls! Can we hash out this little bromance drama another time..." silencing their bickering Rollins held up a hand a tossed her eyes, "... because between Warner's findings from the first girl and the results from Jane's rape kit I think we've got enough to get a warrant for Rudi's apartment."

"Cragen isn't due back for another hour or so..." said Olivia unflinchingly, before lifting her eyes to the pained expressions on her colleagues faces and adding, "... at ease soldiers, he's at 1PP and he'd kill you all if he saw those looks of pity."

"He can't blame us for being human." Defended Rollins, receiving nods of supportive approval from Munch and Fin.

"Speaking of which..." began Munch, a little tentative as he looked to Rollins, "... you heard from Amaro lately?"

"Yeah, yeah he's doing good."

"He coming back to work anytime soon?" asked Fin, it being seemingly the next obvious question.

"Not that good." Replied Rollins, before quickly deflecting "So I saw your boy Ken stopped by earlier. It can't be long before he ties the knot soon, huh?"

"This time next week." Nodded Fin, still brooding over the fate of Nick Amaro and Rollins unwillingness to divulge details of it.

"I've had my best suit dry cleaned for the occasion..." declared Munch with a muted pride, "... I hope the smorgasbord is up to par."

"Seriously?" smirked Olivia, kicking one leg over the other and leaning back in her chair. "Fin's son gets married and you're excited to see the snacks?"

"What's a smorgasbord?" asked Fin, dark brows knotted curiously.

"Oh before I forget I had them dump the pay phone outside the bar and there were two outgoing calls the night Jane was attacked..." remembering another detail from her busy morning Rollins revealed, "... one of them to an untraceable cell and the other to a taxi company in midtown."

"You've been busy little blonde one." Said Munch, but Rollins let it go unchallenged. From anyone else it would've been both patronising and condescending but strangely from him it was kindly and felt only to acknowledge the growing esteem in which he held her. She had won him over and it was in his eyes.

"We know where the taxi dropped off?" asked Olivia immediately.

"Not yet but it's only a call away."

"Hey Rollins how about you let the old folks handle that..." setting down his pen Munch waited for the blonde's attention before asking, "... what's say you and I head downtown and talk to some faces down at the bar? See if Rudi made any friends?"

"Sure, sure sounds like a plan..." nodded Rollins, relieved she had evidently not been wrong in her reading of the veteran detective.

"Looks like it's just you and me workin' it from the crib doll face..." sighed Fin, wandering back to his desk and shooting a grin in Olivia's direction, "... you want the taxi company or the lab results?"

"I swear to God if you doll face me at work one more time I'll..." cautioned Olivia, trailing off mid sentence as Fin fished out a stapled document from under a pile on her desk.

"What's up with this?" he asked with flat indifference to what was undoubtedly snooping on his part. "Prep for the sergeants exams?"

"It's nothing, it's..." thinking fast and managing not to lie but only distort Olivia muttered, "... it's just a favour for a friend is all."

* * *

><p>"Which one is yours?"<p>

"Second up to bat..." turning to the woman sat beside him on the bleachers Elliot smiled proudly, "... Dickie Stabler."

"Mines the little peach applying lotion over there..." extending an immaculately manicured scarlet claw the woman flashed Elliot a toothy, veneered grin and added, "... he's just the _best _ at being sun smart."

"Yeah?" said Elliot, for want of something less inane to respond. "How's his baseball?" He couldn't help but add, his smile charming her into ignoring the light mockery.

"God awful."

"Gotcha."

"But he's my only one, my little miracle. So I spoil him..." she confessed, twisting a curl of platinum hair around her finger and sighing sadly, "... you got others?"

"Sure, sure I've got six little miracles..." nodded Elliot, watching her eyes widen at the notion, "...soon to be seven."

"Dang sugar, maybe if I'd had you for a husband instead of my deadbeat old man then I wouldn't have spent all those miserable years trying!"

"I'm pretty blessed." Acknowledged Elliot, a little bashful and mildly uncomfortable at the proximity the woman was now keeping to his right side.

"Then again maybe if I'd had you for a husband all those years of trying wouldn't have been quite so miserable!" she had amused herself, evidently, and a wild cackle went up causing heads to turn around them. "I spy a ring though. That's a shame. I have the worst goddamn luck!"

"Well I..."

"I was gonna buy you a snow cone in the hope of more..." as Elliot's eyes popped slightly the woman sighed with a shade of melodrama, "... but all the good ones are taken."

"It looks like they're wrapping up so I should probably..."

"Your lady is a lucky woman, blue eyes."

"I'm the lucky one..." replied Elliot, but the lady in his mind was not his wife, "... would you excuse me?"

* * *

><p>"Dad?"<p>

"You've been working on your low pitch swing."

"You always did bug me about it." Replied Dickie, removing his cap and squinting up against the sun to look his father in the eye. "What are you doing here, dad?"

"The same thing I've been doing since you were old enough to hold a bat..." replied Elliot with a quiet, steady calm, "... watching you play ball."

"You never missed a game." Said Dickie, for the first time feeling something stronger than the anger and disappointment that had barred him from civility with his father for so long. "Well I guess you missed a few if you know, you like got shot or held hostage or something..."

"We all have a margin of error." Smiled Elliot, the words resounding on multiple levels in Dickie.

"Do you love her?" asked Dickie, quite suddenly and with an uncharacteristic propensity to delve into the emotional realm.

"I..."

"Detective Benson..." he did not need to clarify to Elliot, and it only intensified the moment as he added, "... are you in love with her."

"Honestly? Man to man?" Testing as to whether this was baiting and they were simply building to a blow out, or whether Dickie really wanted to know Elliot waited a moment.

"Yeah."

"Then yes..." replied Elliot, believing his son deserved nothing more or less than the absolute truth, "... I'm in love with her."

"Are you gonna stay with her?" bringing his full arsenal Dickie eyeballed Elliot demandingly.

"Yes."

"You've loved her for years." Was not a question, realised Elliot, and so he held his tongue. "I saw it even if no one else did. I was there. I was at your work. I watched the two of you and I knew it was more than partners."

"I'm sorry."

"If you've loved her all this time then what took you so long? You were miserable at home with mom so why did you stay?"

"It was complicated, Dick."

"That isn't an answer..." pushed a young man, no longer satisfied with the deflections he had been offered as a boy, "... you must've had a reason."

"I had five of them." Replied Elliot, stunning his son into a long, staring silence.

"You watch our guys get creamed in Tampa last night?" asked Dickie, and with that there it was. The tide turn. His face was softer, his body language relaxed, his reluctant but loving forgiveness tangible to Elliot.

"Yeah but they'll comeback against the Mariners on Friday. I've got a good feeling."

"It should be a good game." Nodded Dickie, attempting nonchalance and unable to say that which hung unsaid in the air between them.

"I could maybe grab us a couple of tickets, you know..." waiting, watching, testing a toe in the water Elliot added quietly, "... if you wanted to go?"

"I've got a thing on Friday..." lowering his eyes to the grass for a moment Dickie took a pause, drew a long breath and then lifting his eyes to Elliot silently brokered a tentative ceasefire, "... but I can get out of it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm in."

* * *

><p>"This one?"<p>

"Sure."

"Elliot..." scolded Olivia, running a hand through her hair and throwing the dress she had held against her onto the bed before looking at the one she was wearing in the mirror again, "... seriously, you're not helping."

"They're all good."

"Good?" raising an eyebrow in frustration Olivia groaned. "Good is not really the adjective I'm trying for here El. This is Ken's wedding we're talking about not an afternoon in the Park."

"Isn't the wedding right by the park?"

"I will hurt you."

"Look you're asking the wrong guy okay..." clambering up from his prostrate position on the bed Elliot rubbed his head and yawned, "... the fashion world is not really my scene."

"I'm asking you to pick between three different dresses..." scowled Olivia with a sardonic quip, "... not become Tyra's next Top Model."

"You want my vote?" he asked, hauling himself up from the bed and moving to stand beside her, his hands coiling around her waist possessively. "Because honestly the whole time I've been watching you put on this little line up the number I wanna pick..." nuzzling at her neck and pressing kisses against the warm skin of her clavicle she felt his lips spread to a wide smile, "... is no dress at all."

"El..." she half heartedly protested, reaching to her stomach where his muscular arms were holding her fast, "... I'm serious I only fit into three dresses and even though I was gonna wear this purple one I..."

"Wear this purple one."

"Are you just saying that because you think it's the right answer?" she asked, looking at his reflection sceptically in the mirror in front of them.

"No, no I'm just saying it..." loosening his hold on her he reached for her hands, holding one in each of his and extending her arms so that they might have a more complete view of her dress, "... because you look incredible."

"El..." she swallowed, turning to face him and held his left hand in hers with wide eyes and lightly parted lips of uncertain surprise, "... your ring?"

"Not a big deal." He shrugged, as she ran her thumb across the white ring of pale skin where his wedding band had once sat.

"Elliot it is a _huge_ deal..." she breathed, waiting for his eyes to return to hers and echoing, "... it's a huge fucking deal."

"Maybe."

"El!"

"I was her husband for the longest time. She gave me five amazing kids and I will never stop loving her for that and for everything we were..." locking Olivia's eyes with everything he was, every part of him and all the brooding intensity that captivated and terrified her, "... but we're not together anymore."

"Wow." Said Olivia, when all other words failed her.

"Kathy isn't the reason women in velour shouldn't buy me a snow cone at ball games. She isn't the reason I'm taken anymore..." shrugged Elliot, the simple gesture of commitment meaning more to her than he could ever have known, "... you are."

* * *

><p>"Pick a hand, princess."<p>

"Mine!" asserted Eve with a two toothed little grin as she splattered a hand on each of Fin's closed fists. Not wanting to take her chances and pick she squeezed the back of his hands with warm, doughy fingers and exclaimed, "Ee-vie."

"You're no fool baby girl but you gotta make a choice..." instructed Fin, trusting her enough not to give in to the baby blues and hold his ground, "... do you want this one, doll? Or this one?"

"Hi-ya!" misusing the oft heard greeting Evie toddled back on her bare feet and tilted her head puzzled. Watching Fin repeat the gesture, pointing to each of his hands she lifted her eyes to his smiling face and poked out her tongue with profound concentration.

"Booboo..." tested Eve, flashing him her best smile and offering a pathetic little whimper while clutching again at both of his closed hands, "... mine booboo."

"What's booboo?" asked Ken, lolling back in his chair and watching the scene play with amusement out from across the room.

"Who's booboo, baby girl?" asked Fin of the little girl, whose face lit up at the notion and who promptly ploughed into his chest and clambered up onto his lap.

"You're kidding me, right?" laughed Fin with a eye rolling scoff. "Odafin Tutuola is letting some little rugrat call him Booboo?"

"It's something we got goin' on just the two of us, ain't it baby girl?" without giving her any assistance Fin watched Eve negotiate the climb up to his seat on the sofa. Settling herself on his knee she hesitated a moment, eyeing both of his hands carefully.

"You do realise it's cruel to tease something that cute. She could sell diapers to Pampers..." smirked Ken with a gentle teasing that, despite his best attempts at denial, denoted a slight envy at how clearly besotted his father was with Eve, "... just give her whatever's in your hand, dude."

"She knows she gotta pick just one. Evie's smarter than you're giving her credit for her, aren't you kid?" meeting Eve's eyes and challenging her Fin only had to wait a moment longer before the child plumped for his right hand and turned it palm up.

"Ta-dah!" she declared with euphoria as Fin's fingers unfurled to reveal a small, red wrapped cheese.

"Whatcha got, Evie baby? What's Uncle Fin got for his best girl?"

"All that work for a Babybel..." smirked Ken, less impressed than Eve with her prize, "... and what were you planning to do if she picked the wrong hand?"

"Shut yo' face..." shooting Ken a withering stare, coupled with a wry smile Fin tutted, "... don't be such an old woman."

"You know you're pretty damn good with her dad..." acknowledged Ken quietly, much to Fin's surprise and muted delight, "... you've fallen pretty hard, huh?"

"She's my girl." Shrugged Fin, as Eve wrapped herself around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder while she waited for him to peel the wrapper from her snack.

"And her mom?" asked Ken, knowing he was probably the only one who would dare to. "You not ever think about making Olivia your girl too?"

"Nope."

"She's cool, she's really cool..." nodded Ken with a face of approval as he remembered all the times Detective Benson had come to his aid, or run much needed interference between him and his father, "... and bang tidy too."

"Ken!" hissed Fin, his eyes shooting protectively to Eve as he handed her the tiny cheese.

"You talk about her _all_ the time, you spend more time with her kid than you ever did with me and..." eyes glittering with the loaded intensity of his statement Ken ventured, "... and I've seen the way you look at her, bro."

"I'm your father not your bro, playa..." shot back Fin with rapid fire, "... and I don't look at her."

"You'd taken a bullet for her that's a given..." shrugged Ken, before moving in for his second attack, "... but don't tell me you've never gone there in your head."

"I've never gone there..." stated Fin with an almost vulnerable candour, on the one hand shutting down the conversation and answering his son's question and on the other, as he kissed Eve's temple lovingly and stared with faraway eyes, prompting Ken to ask a thousand more in his mind.


	42. To Have And To Have Not

"Evie no."

"Hi-ya!" came the cheery, seesawing little voice at Olivia's feet as Eve emptied out the contents of her mother's purse for the millionth time that morning.

"Evie mommy said no..." leaning down and retrieving her lipgloss and a packet of gum Olivia forced herself to use a harsher tone, "... stop it. Eve Grace Benson I said **no**!"

"Uh-oh!" thick, dark spidery lashes batted guiltily as Eve understood all too well that she had done wrong and that her mother was unimpressed with her.

"Yeah, yeah uh-oh is right kiddo..." gathering up her belongings and replacing her purse on the dressing table beside her Olivia shot Eve a warm smile and softened her delivery, "... now are you gonna play nice for mama while she finishes getting ready?"

"Have you seen my purple tie?" asked Elliot, emerging from the shower wearing only a white towel and a light dew of steam.

"You can't wear a purple tie, it'll match my dress."

"That's bad?" he inferred from her pained expression.

"We are so _not_ becoming that couple."

"Is Mouse wearing lipstick?" squinting slightly and rubbing a little shower gel from his eye Elliot tilted his head to get a better look at Eve who, realised Olivia with a weary sigh, was indeed modelling her mid brown gloss.

"She's driving me insane." Groaned Olivia, abandoning her hair and makeup and instead began routing around in her draw for a decent pair of panties. "And since when did all my underwear start screaming 'she's a mom, she's just given up!' when I wasn't looking?"

"You're damn sexy and you know it." Chuckled Elliot dismissively as he wandered across the bedroom and gave her backside a playful slap as she leant over the chest of drawers.

"Seriously?" as contentedly ensconced in domestic bliss as they may have been Olivia had lost none of herself in the relationship and was not about to start doing so that morning or any other. "Smack my ass again and I'll have you against that wall."

"Is that a threat or a promise?" grinned Elliot, the notion and the fire in her eyes turning his blood hot.

"You're a asshole..." she snarled, before surrendering to her own feral desire and grabbing at the folded knot of towel at his waist and tugging him toward her, "... but you look _damn_ good in a towel."

"I think Mouse is wearing your bra as a hat." Choking back a giggle Elliot forced his eyes away from Eve and settled them on Olivia, staring down at her and truly drinking in her immaculate makeup and loosely tousled hair for the first time. "And dang, you look amazing."

"I'm nervous, El." She confessed, stroking her fingertips lightly across his strongly defined pectoral muscles before holding her right palm flat against his heart unconsciously.

"About today? The wedding?" he asked, encircling her waist with his arms and pecking a kiss against her lips before asking, "How come?"

"It's nothing, it's stupid it's just..." closing her eyes and inhaling slowly Olivia opened them and sighed, "... it's just the first time we've gone to anything, you know, together."

"It is?" he asked, realising she may be right.

"_Together_, together yeah. We're not just showing up as Benson, Stabler and some random ass kid we picked up along the way. We're going as us, as you and me with our daughter..." shrugging with the still quite breathtaking reality of it all Olivia added amazedly, "... as a family."

"There won't be a single person at that wedding who isn't on our side..." he reassured, missing her forehead and landing a loving kiss on her eyebrow, "... just trust that, okay?"

"Okay."

"Now are you gonna tell me what to wear or?" he ventured casually, as though it would be the most natural thing in the world. It was only the same question he had asked before every other major event he had attended in the past few decades.

"Why would I do that?" replied Olivia, genuinely asking the question.

"You don't have a favourite shirt? A jacket that hangs better? Shoes you prefer?"

"You're a grown man Stabler..." she scoffed, retrieving her bra from Evie and laughing on her way to the bathroom, "... dress yourself!"

"You hear that, Mouse?" grinned Elliot, bending down a hoisting Eve up off the floor and onto his chest.

"Dada." Said Eve, having lately taken to naming everything she encountered that she knew the name of including her parents.

"That was the sound of every hen pecked man in American wanting to know how the hell I got so lucky... " jogging Eve up and down on his way to the closet Elliot sighed contentedly, "... because boy did we get lucky with your mom, Mousey."

* * *

><p>"You look very distinguished, sir."<p>

"I feel like an idiot."

"Well you _are_ an idiot..." smirked Munch, adjusting Fin's tie much to his partners disgruntled displeasure, "... but you _look_ very distinguished."

"Are we in the right place?" came a light knock at the door as Elliot peered into the designated dressing room with Eve on his arm.

"This is where the actions at." Confirmed Munch, donning his own suit jacket and smiling warmly at their friend as Fin continued to fuss with his outfit.

"You doing okay there, bud?" asked Elliot, noting the light beads of sweat about Detective Tutuola's forehead.

"Yeah, yeah no i'm cool..." turning around and fully appreciating Eve's outfit for the first time Fin's nerves eased to a wide smile, "... and _there's_ my girl!"

"Booboo!" grinned Eve, throwing her weight away from Elliot and toward Fin with starfish hands waving a greeting.

"Well don't you just look like a little princess, baby girl."

"I'd liken her more to a tiny marshmallow." Noted Munch, his eyes dancing across a sea of pink ruffles, pink buckled baby shoes and a matching bow in Eve's wispy hair. "Or the poor kid Barbie threw up on. Who knew Benson would turn into _that_ mom."

"My kid is adorable Munch..." defended Elliot shamelessly, turning the corners of his mouth to a smile and adding, "... don't even try to pretend she doesn't get you."

"Touché." Surrendered Munch, without protest.

"That easy?" asked Elliot, with surprise.

"Sure, sure only the one thing I can't figure out is how she turned out such a happy little thing. I mean look at her, she's the only kid on the planet who could smile through wearing that outfit in public."

"I..." began Elliot, but it was futile when Munch was on such good form.

"In fact I'm starting to wonder if she can be the daughter of detectives beautifully tortured and chiselled and brooding at all!"

"Are you two done or are you planning on getting another round in before we join the party?" interrupted Fin with a critical eyebrow raise.

"We're done, aren't we Munch?" smiled Elliot, as the two detectives followed the father of the groom out of his dressing room.

"Stabler?" called Munch, as the two hung back slightly.

"What this time?" asked Elliot, ready and willing to take whatever tease was coming next.

"Eve is happy, smart, social, and quite possibly the least irritating child I've ever known..." patting his friend heartily on the back John Munch smiled with a warm sigh, "... you just keep doing what you're doing."

* * *

><p>"How you holding up in here?" asked Olivia, wandering into the neighbouring room in which Ken was sat alone.<p>

"Olivia, hey..." rising to greet her Ken wrapped her in a warm embrace and smiled, "... you look incredible."

"You flatter me..." came the self deprecating reply as Olivia brushed the air with a dismissive hand gesture, "... but you? Wow do you look a million bucks. Alejandro better realise how lucky he's gotten."

"I'm the lucky one." Replied Ken, without hesitation.

"Did everything get set up okay?" asked Olivia, gesturing somewhere behind her to where she assumed the room where the ceremony would take place might be. "No last minute glitches?"

"You mean other than the giant walking glitch that is my father?" smiled Ken, fondly teasing.

"He's a fish out of water on so many levels on this one..." and then, because he listened to her Olivia added, "... give him a break?"

"He's trying so hard. I really do appreciate it. I know all this doesn't sit so well with him."

"Wearing a dress suit?" she asked, attempting to deflect the obvious.

"I know he loves me and I know he cares about Alejandro and he's happy for us..." shrugging with a resigned acceptance, "... but a gay wedding is _so far_ from anything he has ever known or been a part of."

"People are changing all the time Ken. He's a million times more comfortable with it now than he was when you first came out and he's only going to get more so with time. He's taking this all on board and it'll come as easy to him as it does you eventually..." knowing with absolute certainty that what she was saying was true Olivia entreated, "... trust me?"

"Olivia can I ask you something?" ventured Ken, not having planned to take this moment to ask the question on the tip of his tongue.

"Sure, what's up?"

"You and my Dad are pretty close, huh? I mean he tells you stuff he never told anyone and you had him there the whole time you were having Evie..."

"We're good friends..." nodded Olivia, before thinking of Fin and adding poignantly, "... we're great friends."

"Only he's really been there for you and..."

"Ken I think I know what you're going to say and maybe you're right."

"I am?" asked Ken, a little startled by her easy candour.

"Fin has been incredible this past year or two and I will never forget all that he's done for me and for Evie. I don't think I could've handled those first few months alone and just because Elliot and I are together now it doesn't change anything. Not for me at least. Fin is the best brother I never had."

"Brother?" swallowed Ken, realising his father was the oldest cliché in the book with a sad smile.

"Your Dad is of the most important people in my life Ken. I won't ever take him for granted..." then, flashing a warm smile Olivia asked, "... that is where you were going with this, right? Watching his six?"

"Yeah, yeah I was..." fumbled Ken, with quick nod, "... yeah I was just making sure."

"Well okay then..." reaching for Ken's jacket on the back of a nearby chair Olivia asked, "... shall we go get you married?"

* * *

><p>"Hey Ken, you've not seen Liv have you?"<p>

"Not in the last half hour or so..." replied Ken, nursing a glass of wine in one hand with his hand gently fallen over Alejandro's as they sat on neighbouring bar stools, "... she MIA?"

"Nah, nah no worries..." smiled Elliot casually, heartened by the newlywed bliss radiating from the couple in front of him, "... she'll be around somewhere."

"Dad's making origami birds with Evie through there..." gesturing to the main reception room at the hotel Ken smiled fondly, never even for a second able to begrudge the adorably close relationship his father had with SVU's youngest associate, "... maybe she joined them."

"I'll check it out, thanks."

"Hey Evie..." reaching across and brushing a fallen eyelash from Eve's cheek Fin smiled at Elliot and pointed, "... who's that?"

"Daddy!" waving open handed arms from her cross legged seat on the floor a tired, but ever enthusiastic Eve grinned up at Elliot. "Dada!"

"Hey baby, you having fun with your Uncle Fin?" waving back Elliot blew a kiss, acknowledging and making a fuss of his daughter before returning his mind to his search. "Hey Fin you haven't seen Liv have you? I wouldn't care only she's got the keys and she should probably get Mouse home to bed before too long."

"Course, no worries, little lady is sleepy for sure." Nodded Fin emphatically before adding, "Liv went to the bathroom a while ago but I guess she got distracted on the way back."

"Sure, sure, probably..." replied Elliot, unable to make the notion sit right on his lightly churning stomach. He could not have said what but something wasn't right. "Watch her five more minutes till I find her?"

"Absolutely." It was a given, both men knew.

"Liv? You in there?" wrapping lightly on the door of the ladies room Elliot flashed charming smiles to passing hotel guests moving through the side lobby with disapproving glances. "Olivia? It's me..." speaking louder this time he repeated, "... it's Elliot I just wanted to check you..."

"Elliot?" came the sudden strained yelp from inside, that was all the incentive Elliot needed to burst inside uncaring of whose modesty might be offended.

"Liv? Liv are you alright?" he asked, but the heart stopping sight of her hunched over the washbasin that met him was enough to answer his question. "Are you alright?"

"No, no I don't think I am..." came the small, terrified voice as she reached out and grabbed his hand, her own trembling, "... how many beers did you have tonight?"

"Just one..." he breathed, never in his life more sober than watching her grey faced attempts at hiding horror struck discomfort, "... and I only drank half."

"Then I need you to go out there and lie through your teeth."

"Liv..."

"Thank Ken and Alejandro for an incredible day but tell them and Fin that something I ate at dinner didn't agree with me and you need to drive me home..."

"Liv you need to see a doctor..." he pleaded, as she clutched her stomach and leant heavily on both him and the wall.

"Ask Fin to keep Evie tonight..." and then, never having been more grateful for him than in that moment she realised, "... he has stuff for her at his place. Diapers, fresh clothes, formula."

"Okay, okay whatever you need. I'll go tell them." He nodded unquestioningly, leaning forward to press an anxious kiss against her lightly sweating forehead before asking. "Then what?"

"Then get me to Mount Sinai. As fast as you can fly, El." Pulling him back and not wanting him to leave her, ever, but especially then Olivia held a fistful of his shirt for a moment to gain her strength. Pressing their foreheads together for just a second, she closed her eyes, took a long steadying breath and kissed him quickly before instructing, "Go."


	43. A Sudden Glance And Then A Stare

_**Hey guys! Going on vacation for a week today so I've got an extra, admittedly slightly shorter, chapter to bridge the gap! So appreciative of all that are reading and reviewing, I take on board all your comments/critique/requests so don't hesitate to speak up. Like I say, short but hopefully in parts sweet this time ;)**_

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><p>"Well hello there..." breezing into the squad room and brushing a light sprinkling of rain from her tight brown curls Melinda Warner flashed a smile on seeing the face that greeted her, "... you working solo today Detective Tutuola?"<p>

"Nope..." replied Fin, his lips drawing back to a toothy grin as he pushed his chair lightly back from the desk to reveal Eve sat cross legged at his feet, "... got me a new partner, haven't I?"

"Oh bless her..." tilting her head fondly Warner chuckled, "... if it isn't The Littlest Detective. Are you doing some background research down there, darling?"

"She's just drawing me up a little history on our guy, aren't you baby girl?" gazing down at Eve, who shuffled the blank sheets of paper spread like a blanket around her and proudly mimicked her Uncle Fin.

"I heard what happened at the wedding..." sighed Warner, wandering across the room and taking a perch on the edge of Benson's desk to talk to her friend, "... so they kept Liv in overnight, huh?"

"Yeah." Said Fin, mostly because he had no more information than anyone else did at this point.

"She'll be fine, Fin." Assured Melinda, with nothing more than a desire to comfort him.

"Stabler sounded like he had his stomach in his throat on the phone..." sighed Fin sadly, "... I don't like where this is going Melinda."

"Medicine can do amazing things nowadays. All they need to do is keep her stable long enough for the foetus to be viable outside the womb..." though he knew she meant well, her words only struck a deeper fear in an already sick Fin, "... and then they can do an premature c-section."

"You busy this morning?" asked Fin suddenly, not wanting to talk about Olivia anymore.

"I came to drop off those rush results Cragen wanted on the Henderson case but..."

"Can Evie and I shout you a coffee?" seeing he had already grabbed his coat and gathered up Evie and her diaper bag Melinda suspected even if she had been busy she would need to vacate her schedule.

"I can un-busy myself." She smiled warmly. "Coffee sounds like a welcome distraction."

"You wanna hit up that place we went to on the Montgomery case? Next to the vacant lot we..."

"Excavated four bodies from?" smirked Melinda, her humour absolutely as dark as his and her wit just as sharp. "Sounds delightful."

"Mel can I ask you something?" said Fin quietly as they neared the door, clutching an oblivious Eve a little tighter.

"She's just about the strongest woman I know, Fin..." reaching out and giving his forearm a light squeeze Warner nodded, "... if Liv throws her full weight at something anything is possible. I know. I've seen it."

"You know you could've faxed those results over to Cragen." Said Fin, as they held each others' gaze just that fraction too long.

"Yeah..." she nodded steadily, her hand still on his arm, "... yeah I know."

* * *

><p>"You okay?"<p>

"Please stop asking me that." Begged Olivia as she stared at the same ceiling tile she had been focusing her attention earnestly on for the past half hour.

"Liv..."

"I don't want to talk El..." she swallowed hard with a rawness in her throat as the words stung to sound, "... please?"

"Fin called. Mouse is fine. They ended up spending the whole day with Warner at that new soft play centre somewhere near her place. He said she crashed as soon as they got home tonight."

"Great." She replied, not even picking up on the intriguing notion of Fin's play date with their medical examiner. In truth she only replied because she knew that for all his usual quiet brooding on this occasion he needed dialogue. Though it pained her she knew he needed to hear her voice to believe she was okay, and so she talked.

"I thought she might fuss like last night without her binkie but she didn't even notice this time he said. He's running out of fresh clothes so she's sleeping in a diaper but it's so warm at his place with all that rising heat that..."

"Damn it Elliot if you want to talk then let's talk..." she breathed, turning to him and giving her eyes, "... but let's _really _talk. Let's talk about what's going on here."

"Okay." He nodded steadily.

"I give up work. I take it easy. I stay in bed every day if that's what it takes and I..."

"No." He interjected flatly.

"What?" she asked, hair falling into her face as she turned to him.

"I said no."

"I heard you." She stated, not appreciating his tone.

"This placenta abruption, these tests they're running, the fact that you're bleeding like a stuck pig..."

"Elliot!"

"If they can't fix it..." almost choking on the words as he leant heavily against his knees, rubbing his face desperately Elliot swallowed, "... then we're not doing this."

"Not _doing this_? Did I hear you right?" wriggling upward in the bed and rising up onto her elbows Olivia glared at him with white hot disbelief.

"You heard what that doctor had to say! If they can't get this under control then you're losing way too much blood and the clotting and the risk to your organs and the..."

"I was here too, Elliot! I heard all the same horror stories that you did but none of that is going to happen so..."

"You don't know that!"

"I can get through this!" attempts to mute her cry were in vain, and it came out as a helpless wail despite her defiance of mortality.

"Are you serious? You honestly think you can front this out with all your 'I'm Olivia Benson and I can handle anything' bullshit!"

"You're an ass! How _dare_ you..."

"I could lose you!" yelled Elliot, startling her heart into holding a beat as he shot up from his seat and propelled his plastic chair into the wall behind him.

"El..." gasped Olivia, reaching to steady herself on the bedrail with an IV drip tugging at the back of her hand.

"I _can't _lose you. _I_ _won't_ lose you..." repeated Elliot, lowering his voice locking her eyes, "... this is non negotiable."

"I love you Elliot, but you have to know that this is _my_ body and it is _me_ carrying this child and you of all people should understand th..."

"I can't live without you, Liv." He stated simply, with no shade of grey or extenuating circumstance.

"That is _not_ your call..." she challenged, moving a hand to her stomach, "... it is **our** decision to make, we have to make that choice _together_ Elliot."

"In a choice between you and anything else in this world..." his voice was rough, guttural, unequivocal, "... there_ is _no choice."


	44. It's Just A Feeling And No One Knows Yet

_**This chapter seems to have been playing peek-a-boo with you guys and I have no clue why! Apologies anyways, I've just re-uploaded it so maybe this time we'll have more sucess? Thank you to those who inboxed me to flag up the problem, my appreciated! Xx**_

* * *

><p>"Mama!"<p>

Never had there been a cry so emphatic, urgent or devoted as that which burst from Evie as Fin brought her into Olivia's room and she set sight on her mother. Hands waving wildly, and a strong willed little body struggling with all her might to fight her way out of his arms and into hers Eve used every word, every syllable and heartfelt utterance she could manage to convey just how desperate she was to feel the unique intimacy a child feels with its mother.

"Someone's been missing you..." smiled Fin warmly, parcelling Eve onto the bed beside Olivia and watching her instinctively curl herself into Olivia's chest and wrap chubby little arms possessively around her mother's neck, "... can you tell?"

"And _God_ did I miss her..." breathed Olivia, inhaling the familiar scent of Eve and all her baby shampoo and devotion, "... you hear that baby girl? Mama missed you _so much_, so very, very much."

"We're so grateful for you having her this past couple of days..." came a voice from the corner of the room, as Elliot stood with one arm folded tight across his chest and the other leant against it, drawing strokes against his stubbled chin, "... it's been a real weight off knowing she was being taken care of."

"Any time..." shrugged Fin, genuinely convincing both parents of the sincerity with which he adored their child, "... you know that. You both do."

"Thanks." Smiled Olivia, but it was a tired, troubled, faraway smile that did nothing to appease Fin's concern.

"So what's the deal? What's going on?"

"Well..." began Elliot, looking to Olivia almost as if seeking her permission before continuing down what was undoubtedly a highly personal road, "... they've stopped the bleeding. For now. That's a good thing, for sure, but we're not done with this."

"This?" asked Fin, hanging off his every word and watching every facial movement and body flexion. "I'm no good at women stuff. Break it down for me, bro."

"The placenta is separating itself from the uterus." Said Olivia with a flat, blank detachment from the situation. As though she were talking about someone else. Not her uterus, but that of some other woman to whom she bore no emotional connection. "The pains, the cramping, the bleeding are all part of the deal but they're gone now. The doctor said sometimes it can be a one off thing that doesn't happen again and the pregnancy can go on as normal."

"And the other times?" asked Fin, sensing that Elliot's obvious tension and thick set jaw was not based on the percentile of the best case scenario. "What happens then?"

"You don't wanna ask that question." Said Elliot, with more pain than Fin had ever witnessed in his friend dripping from every word uttered.

"He wants me to terminate..." said Olivia with a black distain, pinning Elliot to the wall with eyes a swirling, troubled chocolate and adding, "... the one with all the Catholic guilt wants me to get an abortion."

"This is _not_ my fault." Muttered Elliot with that low, biting whisper adults use in the presence of their children under the naive assumption that toddlers cannot sense unease. "Don't paint me the devil for wanting you alive."

"Dude..." interjected Fin, tipping his head at Elliot and gesturing toward the door, "... let's you and me take a walk? Huh?"

"You gonna be okay with Mouse on your own?" conceding he probably did need some air Elliot moved toward Olivia and waited a moment for her to nod tiredly in reply.

"Yeah, yeah we'll be just fine." She nodded, snuggling Eve a little tighter into her side and pressing a kiss against her daughter's temple.

"Hit the nurse's button if you need anything. I'll be right back."

"Okay."

Despite everything and still feeling the unbearable burden of the unknown weighing on them Elliot and Olivia met each others' eyes, smiled with unspoken understanding, and exchanged an affirming kiss. Danger and uncertainty were no strangers to them and despite rising odds they would face this battle the way they had every other; head on, head strong, and together.

* * *

><p>"You got a minute, Captain?"<p>

"Sure, sure of course..." replied a grey faced Donald Cragen, as he clutched at a glass of iced water and attempted to halt the spinning behind his eyes long enough to focus on Detective Rollins "... come on in. What's up?"

"We got a lead from the two girls Munch interviewed this afternoon. Follow up is slow since they're all locked up and tied down in their Daddies' money and defence attorneys but we should be able to..."

"That's great Rollins..." never having been one to oversell a situation, and no longer enjoying the same luxury of time as he once had Cragen asked, "...but what did you really come in here for?"

"It's Nick."

"Amaro?" clarified Cragen, though if he was honest he needn't. The look in her eyes said all he needed to know.

"He hasn't left the house in over a month except to attend rehab mandated NA meetings. He has Zara visit him at home and only then when I bully him into it. Poor kid just winds up sitting in front of the TV all weekend. Hell I spend more time playing with her than he does."

"I see."

"What?" a little startled by Cragen's deadpan two word response she swallowed hard. "That's it?"

"You didn't ask me a question yet." Said Cragen slowly, deliberately, obviously giving careful measured thought to every word. "And I'm not in the habit of passing comment on detective's person lives unless expressly..."

"If it were Benson in my shoes you'd pass comment quickly enough."

"I don't know what just happened Detective Rollins but whatever it was it was an ugly shade on you..." said Don, his brows knitting together in a confused twisting of pity and empathy, "... so we'll just move on, shall we?"

"Yes Captain." She conceded, knowing that envy did not become her but unable to suppress the waves of green she felt at how the squad treasured Olivia. They were they family she had never had and it was plain for all to see. Rollins longed for that kind of belonging, and it smarted unbearably to know she was a long way from attaining it.

"If you want me to reassure you that this is a normal or even close to being a good idea then you'll be waiting a long time."

"He needs me."

"He needs help." Replied Don, all too knowingly. "That doesn't have to come from you, and it certainly doesn't _all_ have to come from you."

"I can't just walk away now."

"I know you can't."

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, forgetting herself for a moment so slighted was she by his tone.

"Don't think I haven't played in this scene before, detective. I have, all too many times. I have sat in this very chair and despite what you think to the contrary I will pass comment _exactly _the same way I did to Detective Benson."

"Captain I was out of line earlier when I..."

"I looked at a kind, compassionate, giving, and fiercely loyal detective and I told her that her partner's darkness would consume her if she let it. He was lost and tired and so angry he didn't know where to put all the blind rage he carried around with him. Every time she got close she got burned and I watched it. I watched time and time again as she went back for more when a lesser partner, a lesser woman would've walked away."

"But you kept them together? You let them stay partners, you let her help him and Stabler is a _one hundred percent _better guy for having her in his life so..."

"He loves her."

"I..." began Rollins, uneasy in her footing on the new territory the conversation was now charting.

"Sometimes she's his sponsor, sometimes his facilitator. Sometimes she's his ally, sometimes his enemy. They play cat and mouse like no two people I've ever seen and she has taken more crap from him than she ever should've had to. But yeah, yeah I kept them together because they're partners in the truest sense of the word and no matter how angry, how dark or how deep into himself Stabler goes she will _always_ bring him back..." realising that somewhere in his words, behind the inflection and between the lines there was an sad envy in Cragen too as he sighed, "... she's the love of his life. She's his soul mate."

"You knew for years, didn't you?" asked Rollins, neither needing nor wanting a verbal answer from Cragen's tired, wise, detectives eyes that had foretold more than anyone would ever know.

"I know you think you're helping him Amanda. I know you think it runs both ways but you have got to draw a line. You need to draw a line over which you _will not_ cross for him. Getting clean is only the first step. He has to learn how to live not only with his grief but with his addiction too."

"I understand."

"Can I tell you something?" asked Cragen, stunning her a little by asking her permission. "Something you might not want to hear?"

"I, sure, of course you..."

"It's not personal. Right now he'd be loyal to a dog that did all the things you're doing for him. He isn't capable of anything else, anything more. You make it possible for him to function in a world he barely wants to be part of."

"He..."

"You're standing between him and disaster and he can be grateful, he can be admiring and he can be indebted but he cannot be what you want him to be..." not saying the words, sparing her that vulnerability at least Cragen held his tongue for a moment and spread his lips to a kindly, empathetic smile, "... at least not yet."

"I just want him to be okay." Flashing a smile of denial, confusion and utter overwhelming Rollins rushed a fumbled show of thanks and appreciation before bowing out of Cragen's office with a final, "Thanks, Cap."

* * *

><p>"Everything alright?" asked Melinda Warner, having initially been startled by the presence of someone else in her late night lab. Relaxing and allowing heart to fall back to a comfortable beat she stared, eyes glistening, at the familiar face slumped against the door as it closed.<p>

"Not really." Replied Fin Tutuola, his hands thrust deep in his pockets and his face arranged in a heavy set frown.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she replied, slowly, reading in his body language and expression that the answer would almost certainly be no.

"Not really."

"My daughter is at her dad's tonight..." changing approach she removed her lab coat and offered, "... do you want a beer?"

"You guys still separated?" asked Fin, forgetting himself for a moment and allowing sheer unthinking curiosity to take over.

"Yeah, yeah you're right..." smiled Warner, pulling her lips to a wider, sardonic grin and answering in the statement, "... we're gonna need something stronger than beer."

"Let's roll." Tossing Warner her cell phone and car keys from beside him Fin flashed a toothy grin and allowed his eyes to smile with anticipation.

"They for me?"

"No, no the flowers are for Mouse..." quipped Elliot with a wry smile, returning to Olivia's hospital room bearing a beautiful bouquet and a baby doll, "... you get Princess Ariel in her pink sparkly shell bra."

"Funny." Pulling a face Olivia tossed her eyes at Elliot as he arranged her flowers in a vase beside her bed, the Disney doll tucked tightly under his arm.

"I wished they'd had a Flounder or that insane crab thing she loves."

"Did you just diss Sebastian?" smiled Olivia, shuffling over in the bed to make space for him. "You're lucky baby girl is sleeping or she'd have your ass."

"You guys did okay while I was gone?" asked Elliot, always checking in. "How you feeling?"

"We did great. We played eye spy and I learned Evie has _no clue_ on her ABC's yet. We played that pop up game Fin bought her and Evie learned that her mom has worse hand-eye coordination than a one year old..."

"That bodes really well for the NYPD..." smirked Elliot, sliding his arm around Olivia's waist and drawing her close with for a cheek kiss, "... just sayin'."

"Then we both crashed out and napped for a while..." turning her head and resting her cheek on Elliot's shoulder Olivia smiled tiredly, "... which is about when you showed up bearing gifts."

"I stopped off at the gift shop after I waved Fin off."

"He doing okay?"

"Actually yeah, yeah he was uncharacteristically cheery..." recalled Elliot, having been so anxious to get back to Eve and Olivia that he had almost let the spring in Fin's step go unnoticed as they'd parted, "... and now I think about it almost freakishly smiley."

"He say where he was headed?" asked Olivia, with curious suspicion.

"Nope, no only to tell you to call him when you were back home."

"Huh, then I dunno." Shrugged Olivia, using the free arm that wasn't under a sleeping Eve to examine her new toy. "She's gonna love this, El."

"_The seaweed is always greener, in somebody else's lake..."_

"El!" with a muted little yelp Olivia writhed at his hot lips on her neck and gave a not in the slightest bit complaining laugh.

"_You dream about going up there, but that is a big mistake. Just look at the world around you, right here on the ocean floor."_

"You really think you have that accent nailed, don't you babe?" she had started lately, he had noticed gladly, that she had started adding casual, relaxed but undoubtedly sincere 'babe' epitaphs into their everyday dialogues. He liked it, more than that he adored the easy familiarity with which it slipped from both of their tongues. It fit; and so did they.

"Yeah 'mon!"

"You're an idiot..." she groaned with a contented smile, kissing his shoulder.

_"Such wonderful things surround you, what more is you lookin' for?"_ and for a moment she paused, meeting his eyes and realised nothing. She was looking for nothing more at all than what she had right there in bed with her in that moment.

"Did I hear them say visiting hours were almost over? You should probably leave now." The words were offset, however, by the way her hand fell with a guarding tenderness across his thigh, stroking unconsciously as she leant against his chest.

"_Darlin' it's better, down where it's wetter..." _

"Elliot!"

"I love you..." he said huskily, his suggestive grin fading to a tender smile, "... no, no I'm being serious now."

"So you're done making The Little Mermaid dirty?" she quipped drily.

"I meant what I said earlier."

"Which bit?" she asked, seeing the anxious sincerity in his face and dropping her sarcasm to really listen to what he was about to say.

"Please don't ever hate me for wanting you alive..." reaching up and touching his fingertips lightly against her jaw, tracing it's line and choking, "... what you're putting on me isn't _fair_ Liv."

"This isn't fair on either of us, El." She swallowed quietly.

"I know."

"You and Fin look at me like I'm just casually considering checking the hell out of here and leaving my daughter, leaving my..." the breath caught in her throat she added powerfully, "...you."

"I guess all we can do is figure that we made it through today. You're okay, the baby is okay and we just pray God that it stays that way."

"Elliot?" she asked softly, nuzzling her face into his shirt and sinking into the nook of his collar bone.

"Yeah?"

"I could never hate you..." with one hand still on him she wrapped the other lightly around Eve's ankle as she slept and murmured, "... it isn't possible."

* * *

><p>"You never wished you'd stayed in?"<p>

"I had a husband. I had a child. I had..." shrugging her shoulders in the cooling night air Melinda Warner's eyes misted slightly, "... I had a whole life, Fin."

"You could've had a better one."

"I..." there was something as intoxicating as it was startling to her about the way he saw the world. It made sense. It was refreshingly honest and almost scientific in its ability to call things by their proper name and avoid unnecessary words and placating emotions.

"I'm not saying I think the army is all that. I don't. I just hate that you left it because you thought you had to."

"Army life is _no life_ for a child..." and then catching the judgement in her statement, coffee eyes softened to add, "... at least not for my child."

"You're the most intelligent woman I know." He stated frankly, with not a single shade of flattery. It was simply a fact. Novak was canny, Cabot book smart, and Benson quick witted and shrewd but there was a depth of knowledge in Warner that fascinated him. "You're better than making choices based on a dude."

"Even if the dude is my husband?" she asked, honestly. Curious to know how deep his loyalties ran and whether he might make similar choices if the situation forced them. "I love my job. It's always challenging, there's always something new to learn or discover. My field evolves faster than any I know. Science is _always_ changing. It's always providing answers..." shrugging her shoulders with a weighty gesture of dedication Melinda sighed, "... sometimes to questions we haven't even thought to ask yet."

"Huh." Said Fin, marvelling at not only at the richness of the content of her words but at how he simply enjoyed listening to the sound they made.

"Well this is me..." removing her hands from her coat pockets and gesturing to the tall standing brown stone now before them Melinda smiled, "... thanks for tonight. I really needed it."

"Back 'atcha." Nodded Fin curtly, feeling his body tense slightly as the real world penetrated the comfortable strolling haze of the long walk home.

"Okay, well..."

"I stayed in."

"Sorry I..." she began, watching a strange and heartbreakingly vulnerable tide wash over the usually unflappable Detective Tutuola.

"I made it sound like I didn't respect you choosing your family but honestly..." lifting his shoulders and then allowing them to fall with the weight of the world upon them Fin sighed, "...that couldn't be further from the truth."

"Fin..."

"Don't matter that your husband is a jackass, don't matter what I think of him. It doesn't ever matter that I know you're trying to convince yourself more than me that being an ME lights all your candles. You put your family before the job... " as they stood a few steps apart he unconsciously inclined slightly toward her, his dark eyes catching the glow of the streetlights and flashing daringly, "... you're a class act, Dr Warner."

"Being an ME doesn't light all my candles." Melinda heard herself say, her already lightly gravelled voice falling to a low husk as she stared at him unable to look away.

"I don't even think that's an actual..."

"Fin?" she said, before stopping and then forgetting whatever it was she had thought she might say.

"I should probably..." the leather of his jacket made a soft creaking sound as he threw a hand gesture back down the street they had walked together and his eyes searched her face for words he was no more able to find than she was, "... get home..."

"Sure, sure of course. Absolutely. I guess I'll see you..." willing her mind to work as fast as her thundering heart Warner cursed the almost teenage butterflies dancing the tango in her stomach and added near triumphantly, "... at work!"

"Chances are we'll be knocking on your door soon enough."

"Knock any time..." desperate now for the conversation to end before she imploded under ijts heady weight of tension Melinda turned on her heel, looking back only to offer a little wave and a loaded, "... well, goodnight Detective Tutuola."

"Night, Dr Warner."


	45. Feel The Magic In The Making

"You gave us all quite a scare there."

"My apologies, counsel."

"It was..." began Alex, sipping cautiously at her peppermint tea, "... just a scare, right?"

"Yeah." Nodded Olivia steadily, not wanting to commit too much in either direction. "Apologies for the venue. I would've met you half way but Detective Stabler has me under house arrest."

"Don't give him a hard time for loving you too much Olivia..." rebuked Alex Cabot softly, always with that slightly scolding tone in her eloquent voice, "... he just terrified of something terrible happening is all."

"He _wants_ something terrible to happen Alex..." confided Olivia, running a finger around the rim of her tea mug and sighing, "... he wants me to think about terminating. He thinks its too big of a risk."

"Maybe he's the only one who's dared voice it but..." it seemed, realised Olivia with a pointedly arched brow, that Elliot was not the only one with the courage to verbalise, "... you've both thought it."

"I won't do it."

"Can you make it to term? Have you had that conversation? Do you know what is and isn't medically possible?"

"I can't do this with you Alex." Said Olivia, feeling that she owed it to her friend to be honest at least. "I can't do this with anyone right now but least of all you. You fix things. You work around the logic, the facts, you process all the information and then you pick a side. You fall down on either black or white and this is all just _so grey_... " her lips tightly pursed Olivia held herself together by a thread and shook her head quickly, before adding, "... so I'm sorry but I can't have this conversation."

"What about Evie?"

"Do you _honestly _think that I haven't thought about that?" asked Olivia dumbfounded, staring with incredulity at her friend.

"I..."

"Don't you ever question that Eve is absolutely my number one priority Alex. Don't you dare. She is my first, my last and my _every_ thought."

"Olivia I'm so sorry I only mean that..."

"Talk to me about the new EADA." Said Olivia suddenly, keen to sweeten the sour in the air between them. "Tell me how sickeningly young and attractive Hayden's fiancé is. Tell me what chaos Judge Donnelley is causing from the comfort of her chambers this week."

"I'm on your side Olivia..." said Alex, needing to have the final word in their earlier conversation, "... please don't ever doubt that."

"I know you are..." nodded Olivia in reply, drawing her lips to a gentle smile, "... I know you are."

* * *

><p>"Tell me that I'm seeing things."<p>

"You're seeing things." Offered Olivia with a deadpan stare as Elliot came home early, catching her and Eve with rollers and paint brushes in hand.

"Tell me that my fragile, delicate, pregnant partner is _not_ playing painter/decorator."

"When the hell has your partner ever been fragile or delicate..." and then, with only a pause for breath Olivia rolled her eyes disparagingly, "...jackass."

"You're painting Evie's room?"

"She wanted a princess room..." the words she spoke, and the tableau of her stood in a white tank and old jeans beside a paint covered Eve was almost too cute for Elliot to remain angry at as Olivia looked down at their daughter, "... didn't you, baby girl?"

"Pin-cess Evie!" declared the toddler, still terribly shaky on her own two feet and with paint smeared across her face from each time she'd pushed back her hair unthinkingly with a pink splattered hand. "Look-a-me Daddy!"

"I _am_ looking at you, kid." Sighed Elliot, bending at the knee and wrapping his hands around her little torso to hoist her up onto his chest. "And it is quite a sight!"

"You get your warrant on the Henderson offices?" asked Olivia, casually breezing past the issue in hand and allowing him an outlet through which to vent his work stress. "Alex said she'd call you when I we left her at lunch."

"Yeah, yeah she made it happen thanks. Hey, Liv?" he asked, helping Eve paint a fresh strip of wall. "If I ask you something will you swear to God you'll answer honestly?"

"Yes." She said simply.

"Are you up to this?" said Elliot, turning to lock her eyes and force the unflinching truth. "None of your superwoman, beat yourself up for being human, vaguely masochistic bullshit..." sighing desperately Elliot entreated, "... are you pushing yourself too hard?"

"No." She said, brown eyes swirling with sincerity and gratitude for his profound concern.

"Well okay then." He nodded, mildly placated for now at least.

"El trust me..." moving to stand behind him she rubbed a palm across his shoulder soothingly, and then gave a reassuring squeeze, "... I won't do _anything _that my body or this baby tells me is a bad idea."

"I trust you." At her word, with his children, and with his heart came the unspoken clauses not from words but his eyes as they gazed at each other for a lingering moment.

"Babe look at her, check it out..." whispered Olivia, darting her eyes indicatively down at Eve who was staring so hard at the wall and concentrating so intently her little eyes were almost crossing in determination as she stoked the paintbrush up and down, a tiny pink tongue poking out between lightly pursed red lips, "... she does that weird tongue thing you do."

"It's called concentration..." replied Elliot with a slightly defensive tone, "... don't mock an artist at work."

"Your highest theatrical billing was a carrot and the kids at work openly laugh at my attempts to draw stick people..." twisting her lips to an amused smile Olivia looked back up at him and arched a brow, "... what makes you think she stands a chance at being an artist?"

"Humph." He conceded, without further discussion. "I tell you one thing though..." initially on the small of her back Elliot's hand sank south a little, sliding just under the elastic of her lace panties as he flashed a mischievous grin, "... if she grows up to be as hot as her mom she won't need any actual talent."

"Oh you did _not_ just..."

"Negate the entire women's lib movement and objectify my woman all in one sentence?"

"Your _woman_?" balked Olivia, eyes widening in horror.

"God I love it when you get your claws out." He growled, disturbing Eve's painting session to lean heavily into Olivia and steal a hot kiss against her jaw. "Hey, hey come here!"

"Your woman?" she repeated, not releasing her grip on this one just yet. "Seriously?"

"Yeah." Loving how comfortable he was to push her to the very limits of her patience Elliot held his ground, grinning with a raise of his forehead in challenge.

"I..." moving her mouth but not actually forming words Olivia stared mutely at him with eyes that betrayed hungry desire behind her righteous indignation.

"What?" he tested, setting Eve down on the old sheets laid out to protect the carpet and watching her instantly crawl off, distracted, into the living room and plonk herself in front of the television. "What you thinking right now?" he asked again, once he and Olivia were alone.

"What am I thinking?" she swallowed, dark lashes batting slowly over dark eyes.

"Yeah?" he asked, a little nervousness creeping into his voice as between her usual penchant for the dramatic and her pregnancy hormones he wasn't entirely sure what was about to happen next. It was exhilarating.

"I'm thinking that..." taking a step toward him she reached up and played with the open collar of his shirt and danced across his mind with her slow speech and suggestive eyes.

"Liv..." he half choked half laughed as she knowingly allowed the back of her hand to graze his crotch on its way up to land palm down on his chest. She was teasing him and he was blissfully powerless.

"I'm thinking that I don't know whether to kick your ass for being such a backward, sexist son of a bitch..." feeling her breath warm on his neck Elliot swallowed slowly, attempting to ignore the rising in his jeans as her hot mouth pressed against his upper lip and murmured, "... or take you next door and make you a plea bargain."

"Olivia..." he rarely used her full name, and it melted her to a molten shiver to see the intensity in his piercing eyes as he stared down at her.

"That show she's watching goes for another half hour at least." Whispered Olivia, tearing her eyes from his just long enough to see Eve dozing on the sofa in front of her cartoon.

"Detective Benson is selling out the sisterhood..." grinned Elliot, coiling his arms around her waist and lifting her effortlessly clear of the ground, "... and it's the biggest turn on I ever..."

"I'll be right there..." breezed Olivia, attempting to be sexy as she wriggled herself free from his arms and ducked toward the door ahead of him.

"Wait, what did I say?" asked Elliot, quite adorably confused.

"Nothing babe..." assured Olivia, flashing an apologetic but unembarrassed smile, "... but you can't squeeze your pregnant _woman_ and not have her need to pee so..."

"Dang Liv that's impressive..." following her he grabbed her face, planting a warm lingering kiss on her smile and chucking, "... you can stand there telling me you need the bathroom in that outfit and still be the hottest goddamn woman on this planet."

"Hold that thought I'll be right with you."

* * *

><p>"So it's conclusive?"<p>

"Almost."

"Almost ain't gonna cut it doc, we need foolproof to make this one stick..." sighed Fin, leaning heavily on the counter at Dr Warner's lab and looking to Munch in frustration, "... am I right old man?"

"I hate to agree with you but..." echoing his partners sigh Munch narrowed his eyes and opined, "... there's a margin of error there that Landry's attorney is gonna drive a snow plough through."

"Maybe there's one more thing I can try." Pondered Melinda, wandering over to her computer and tapping proficiently at the keys. "It's a long shot but if we could find a third point of comparison, say another sibling, then we might be able to present a body of evidence rather than just the two DNA samples we've got as of right now. What if I could connect the brother, the father and the perp. Would that prevent the snow plough?"

"It just might." Shrugged Munch, processing the information with a encouraging nod. "Only we might not have time to wait around for that, how long would it take?"

"Running the test will only take minutes but mine is the easy part..." she advised with an almost apologetic smile, "... first I'm gonna need DNA from the brother. He's not on file."

"Crap." Said Fin, tired of jumping hurdles on what had been a frustrating and exhausting case.

"I think I have an idea." Said Munch cryptically, unfolding his jacket from his arm and sliding in slowly up onto his shoulders. "Leave it with me."

"Where are we going Sherlock Holmes?" asked Fin, amusing Melinda with a sarcastic eye roll as he made to follow his partner toward the door.

"This is a solo mission I'm afraid, Watson..." said Munch, giving little thought to abandoning his partner and taking their car, "... I'm not sure my source is open to a crowd."

"Two's a crowd?" asked Fin doubtfully.

"It is if you're one half of it..." said Munch drily, then revealing, "... I'm going to see Anna and she's as good as said she can't stand the sight of you so..."

"So I guess I'll hang back on this one." Agreed Fin grudgingly, before suddenly realising without a shade of displeasure that this situation would leave him abandoned at the lab with one Dr Warner. With a shift in body language and a casual smile he shrugged, "Fine, fine whatever gets the job done."

"I'll have them send a squad car to pick you up?"

"Oh sure, sure or..."

"He can hang around here if he likes. I've got a few cold cases to run through the system and given how slack your guys are with your so called filing systems."

"What filing systems?" asked Munch, deliberately missing the joke as he gave a jovial wave and headed out the door to follow his potential lead.

"So I'm gonna be an ME for the afternoon, huh?" grinned Fin, removing his jacket and peering into a petri dish beside one of the lab's numerous microscopes.

"Not in this lifetime detective..." there was a note of genuine alarm in Dr Warner's tone as she retrieved several implements and a sheet of confidential DNA results from an eager Fin's hands, "... you're gonna be a lab assistant."

"You're making that sound more fun than it is, aren't you?" he muttered sceptically. Then, following her across the room to where she continued to test samples he took up a perch on a nearby stool and announced, "So when you said the other night that your kid was at her dad's place you made it sound like he was sitting for her."

"Did I?" she asked casually, her eyes narrowing slightly to get a closer look at the swirling daubs of biology under her scope.

"Since when does a bio-chem PhD student at Columbia need a sitter?" asked Fin, betraying to her his far deeper knowledge of her family background than anything she had ever divulged.

"The shield isn't for nothing..." suddenly not entirely sure how she felt in herself, other than lightly flushed, Warner reached for a sardonic smile, "... is it detective?"

"I stood in line behind someone from your office. We made friends." He grinned, not willing to admit but unable to deny to himself at least, the relief he had felt on hearing Melinda's daughter was fully grown and living her own life.

"Ken's mom..." the doctor heard herself say, before even her quick mind could catch the words flying from somewhere behind her heart, "... she's..."

"A pain in my ass." Smiled Fin, delighting in her having asked the question and even more so in the relief he thought he detected in her expression as he clarified. "Ken is the only good that ever came out of the two of us being together. I mean don't get me wrong she's a great lady..." he quickly added, defensive of his son's mother despite everything, "... but she's not my lady."

"Turn that on for me will you?" asked Warner, soaping up her hands and then gesturing to the sink behind him for him to turn on the water.

"Sure." He nodded, leaning over and doing as she asked. Then, as she crossed the room and stood beside him at the sink their arms grazed as she reached in to the water. "You want a coffee?" he asked, almost lurching backward as though the heat of her skin had burned him.

"I..." she fumbled slightly, the sudden offer coming like a bolt out the blue and shattering the strangely heady tension that had built between the two.

"No milk one sugar, right?" he was indeed right, she noted with a smile of surprise.

"Fin?" she said, then panicking internally when he turned around and she couldn't remember what it was she had intended to say. It pained her. Melinda Warner did not get flustered. Never once in her life could she remember a moment like this, staring blankly with a wide eyed speechlessness. She was first to the post with a witty quip, a sarcastic line, hell anything if only to break the silence now binding her.

"Sugar or sprinkles?" he asked, the time moving far faster in his world. "You're fighting your conscience on a doughnut, aren't you?"

"Yeah, yeah..." she nodded, emphatic in her relief, "... yeah and make it a sprinkles, thanks."


	46. I Don't Love You But I Always Will

"Morning beautiful."

"Were you watching me sleep again?" asked Olivia, yawning with her eyes still closed as Elliot slid his arm under her shoulders and dragged her into his underarm nook. "You know I hate that."

"I know you don't hate this though..." growled Elliot, nuzzling at her neck and sliding his hand up her thigh, teasing momentarily at her hipbone before moving past it to rest on her lightly swollen abdomen, "... do you?"

"I don't hate it..." unable to resist a smile Olivia wriggled her hand under the duvet and laid her hand over his on her belly, "... no."

"I wish I could keep you two here, safe, for the next five months."

"You're sweet..." groaned Olivia, opening her eyes and looking at him warily, "... but you do realise that sounds like my idea of hell on earth, right?"

"Yes, yes I do..." nodded Elliot, indulging their easy banter but unable to hide his profound concern, "... but you do realise I don't give a damn if it means I don't have to make an impossible choice, right?"

"El..." she breathed, rolling closer into him and stroking reassuringly at his chest, "... don't."

"Okay, okay I'm sorry." He sighed, coiling his arms around her and hugging tight.

"It never stops being strange to me..." her voice was soft, warm, like the sweet summer breeze he remembered dozing too on his mother's porch in childhood. She sounded like home.

"What's that?" he asked, gently coaxing out the obvious depth of thought sitting on her furrowed brow as she lay half awake on his chest.

"You said the two of us."

"You and the baby?"

"I see Evie and she's such a little person now. She likes pink but I never have. She eats broccoli and I never will. She might have your eyes and my nose but she knows her own mind and isn't afraid to tell us what she wants."

"And you think that didn't come from you too?" chuckled Elliot fondly.

"She came from me..." looking up at him from behind thick, dark lashes Olivia murmured, "... she grew inside me. She was a part of me just like this baby is."

"She's still a part of you..." he smiled, reaching out and stroking at her cheek with his fingertips, "... that's how this works, that's the deal."

"All those years and I never understood..." shrugging with a wistfully tearful smile Olivia acknowledged, "... until now."

"Understood what, babe?" asked Elliot, brushing bed ruffled hair from her eyes.

"Why my mother drank."

"Liv..."

"I'm fine..." whispered Olivia, a hot tear escaping and soaking into the shoulder of Elliot's t-shirt as he pressed his lips against her forehead and kissed her repeatedly.

"The hell you are." He sighed desperately as she prized herself from his arms and, turning away from him, wiped her eyes with the back of her wrist.

"I just need a minute..." she sniffled, padding barefoot toward the bathroom.

"Olivia?" he called, fearing her being alone in that moment he sat up and slid to the edge of the bed. Staring at her staring back at him he simply shook his head helpless.

"I have..." she began, her voice trembling, "... a part of you... inside me... and it is so..."

"Sweetheart..." he had never called her that before and, though it should've been sickly to her, instead it moved her profoundly as he walked quickly, quietly, across the room to take her hands, "... don't do this to yourself?"

"I have to... it's in my head... it's... please..." never in his whole life had he experienced something so painfully erotic as the way she needed him in that moment, "... please let me say it?"

"Okay." He nodded slowly, his mouth dry and the pounding of his heart throbbing a pulse in his temples.

"Elliot carrying your child was the best thing that ever happened to me even when I didn't know if I'd ever see you again. Having this baby with you even knowing that it might kill me feels_ right_ because..." lowering her eyes and swallowing hard she allowed her gaze to drift up to his as she breathed, "... because I am _so_ in love with you."

"I..."

"Knowing that we created something that I'm..." there were no words, and so she simply looked at him with a unspoken love for a few moments before allowing the darkness in, "... but her?"

"Your mom?" he said, almost because he was afraid her pain had stolen his ability to speak.

"He violated her and then for next nine months she had to feel him inside her. A piece of him, part of her, growing stronger and stronger every day. Every time Evie moved in my belly I pictured your face and I loved her more and more but she saw him and..."

"Your mother loved you Olivia but..."

"No, no she didn't."

"Liv..."

"She wanted to..." choked Olivia, hoarsely, "... desperately. She told me. She tried so hard, she did. She did everything she possibly could to forget what he did..." holding his hands so tightly he could no longer feel the pain of her fingernails in his skin she whispered, "... and then she'd look at me: his daughter."

"Her daughter."

"She tried to drink herself numb to make it easier but the truth is it only made it harder for her to pretend. Sober she could lie, she could convince us both that it didn't matter who fathered me but after a bottle of Stoli..." her face crumbling with the agony of a lost little girl Olivia gasped, "... she just couldn't.

"Oh Liv..."

"My mother hated me."

"No..."

"Maybe another woman, a stronger woman could've gotten past it but she never did. She never could."

"I wish I could change things for you but I can't..." murmured Elliot, as she massaged the pads of her thumbs over the tiny half moon circles her nails had left in the back of his hands, "... and it _kills me_ to see this tearing you apart."

"Sometimes when I'm brushing Evie's teeth she laughs and swallows the paste and she pulls a face. She pulls your face."

"Yeah?"

"When we walk past a hotdog stand she goes crazy and starts looking around for you because it's what her Daddy eats at the ball games he takes her too."

"Is that right?" smiled Elliot, flushing with paternal love.

"When our kids grow up they're gonna tell people that their dad is Elliot Stabler and he is a _good_ guy..." tears streaming down her cheeks in an uncharacteristic and breathtaking avalanche of emotion Olivia strained, "... and..."

"Shhhh, shhhh come here..." pulling her into his arms Elliot pinned her to his chest and rocked her gently from side to side, "... take a breath, come on, take a breath, I've got you."

"All the things I feel when this baby moves inside me? All the things I feel when I see you in Evie?" lifting her face to look at him Olivia shrugged, "All the reasons my babies make me love you even more, are all the reasons that my mother climbed into a bottle to cope with the guilt of hating me."

"I love you, shhhhh, I love you, okay? I love you, I love you, I love you..." the strong, simple repetition of the phrase was the only tonic that could've acted on the searing rawness of Olivia's pain as they stood together and he simply held her and continued to say, "... I love you."

"I'm gonna take a shower." She said finally, feeling a little of her strength coming back through him.

"Yeah?" he asked, testing her solvency.

"Yeah..." she nodded slowly, pulling away until only the tips of their fingertips were holding on, "... El?" she asked, when they had finally parted and she was looking back from the bathroom doorway.

"What?" he said quietly, as she leaned with one hand between her cheek and the doorframe and the other resting over her stomach.

"You _are_ changing things for me."

* * *

><p>"Captain?"<p>

"Humph." Came the quiet, brooding response from Donald Cragen as he sat with his chair back turned to the doorway. Visitors not welcome.

"Can I get a minute?" asked Rollins, her eyes scanning the dark room where he had sat with the blinds drawn since around noon. On his desk, amid a sea of unread paperwork, sat a half empty bottle and a glass holding a generous measure of its contents.

"I can feel your judgement from here."

"No judgement." Only concern, she added with her tone.

"I suppose you're here to tell me how you've distanced yourself from Detective Amaro? How you've gotten a healthy balance back in your totally screwed up relationship and are wholly dedicated, once again, to the pursuit of freedom and justice for all?"

"I can come back another time..." swallowed Rollins, not in the slightest bit comfortable in her own skin in that moment let alone sure as to whether she had the emotional capacity to be the safety net onto which a precinct Captain could fall.

"Sit down."

"Captain..."

"I said _sit down_ detective."

"Yes sir." She swallowed, doing as requested and breathing a hefty sigh of relief when Cragen turned round and proffered an almost warm smile.

"So I hear you were a star turn in court this afternoon" he asked, changing direction entirely as he leant back in his chair and rolled one thumb around the other in clasped hands. "Cabot called to say it was a bittersweet win on her part, but we got our guy right?"

"Yeah, yeah we did."

"You sound almost disappointed?" noted Cragen, a strange affect in his body language and inflection.

"I'm just not sure the punishment fit the crime is all..." shrugged Amanda, allowing herself to feel not only tired but exhausted for the first time since they had started out on what had been a truly trying case to work, "... but that isn't my call."

"You didn't distance yourself from Amaro at all, did you?" asked Cragen with a boldness that usually resounded in truth. His usually astute perceptions however were a little off that evening as, without flinching Rollins responded confidently.

"Actually I did. I haven't seen him in three days and he took Zara to the Hamptons to visit his sister this weekend so evidently he does just fine without me changing his diapers..." stepping entirely out of line she added acerbically, "... you happy now?"

"Delirious."

"Oh Captain I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that was out of line and..."

"The chemo isn't working."

"What?" she asked, the sudden admission startling her into silence for several long seconds.

"The chemo isn't working and I lied to you earlier..." the darkness that had always lain just beneath Donald Cragen's skin seeped to the surface, oozing from every pore as he almost smiled and added, "... that bottle was full three hours ago."

"I..." but she couldn't think of anything appropriate to say, and so instead she simply made mouth shapes at him and cringed at the way he laughed at her in reply.

"So you see, detective, you're not the only one who's being totally screwed over."

"I should leave now..." desperate to be anywhere but there Rollins leapt toward the door, her hand trembling on the handle.

"You're addicted to him, Rollins."

"No, no you're wrong I..."

"You need him to need you the same way you needed the thrill of the win..." despite his drunken haze Cragen had not lost his wits, "... and if you don't make some changes you're not only gonna lose your job, you're gonna lose your shit."

"Like you have?" she asked boldly, so entirely uncomfortable that it felt there was nowhere further to fall.

"I'm a tired old man about to lose everything..." said Cragen slowly, narrowing his eyes and staring her down, "... and you're a lost little girl about to throw it all away."

* * *

><p>"Can she walk yet?"<p>

"Yeah, yeah she's a little wobbly but she's getting there." Nodded Elliot, unable to believe he was not only driving in a car with both of his twins and holding a warm conversation, but that the conversation was about Eve.

"Is she talking?" asked Lizzie, leaning forward and changing the radio station.

"Hey, hey that song is awesome!" protested Dickie from the back seat, pounding his fist against the headrest.

"Don't do that, asshole!"

"Don't call your brother an asshole..." warned Elliot, feeling suddenly as though they were children again and not the supposedly mature young adults they pretend to be most days, "... and put that last station back on I was listening to it too."

"You got their album yet?" asked Dickie, always having shared musical taste with his father. "If you haven't I could burn you a copy?"

"That'd be great, buddy, thanks." Grinned Elliot, as Lizzie rolled her eyes.

"So you didn't answer my question..." she cut in, attempting to head off an inevitable conversation about rock music she had no interest in, "... is the baby talking or not yet?"

"She can make herself understood but she's not as chatty as you were at her age..." said Elliot, knowing just exactly how to make all of his kids feel good, and remembering how despite her other issues Elizabeth had been far and away his brightest child with Kathy.

"I thought Maureen was the big geek in the family?" asked Dickie, surprised.

"Maureen was always book smart but you two were too quick for her most of the time..." recalled Elliot with a smile, "... don't you remember all those times you drove her crazy playing that dumb game you guys played with Henry from next door?"

"Oh _God_ she used to get so pissed at us!" whooped Dickie with delight. "I guess the Stabler family just have kick ass genes, what can I say!"

"What are Olivia's family like?" asked Lizzie, innocently.

"They, ermm..." stalled Elliot, making a right and using the distraction to buy himself time enough to formulate a comfortable reply, "... well her mom died a few years ago."

"Oh God that's awful." Offered Lizzie, with a genuine expression of regret that touched Elliot.

"And I guess she never knew her father." Shrugged Elliot, attempting as much nonchalance as he could muster while remembering Olivia's heartbreaking tears a week earlier.

"Wow, that really does suck. I mean you might be a cheating..." before Elliot could interject Dickie added quickly, "... but we're pretty lucky we got you for a dad."

"Thanks buddy, that really means..."

"You're so late!" called Kathy, running out onto the porch as they arrived home a half hour after their estimated time.

"Sorry mom, we'll change quickly!" called Lizzie, rushing a kiss against Elliot's cheek and careering into the house to change for their evening meal with Kathy's family.

"I blame Liz, she takes _forever_ in ever store!" laughed Dickie, slapping Elliot fondly on the shoulder before following his sister into the house.

"I did everything but run lights to make up time..." smiled Elliot apologetically, hanging off his doorframe as he climbed out of the driver's side to pass cordial pleasantries with his ex wife, "... sorry Kath."

"Hey, you know what they're adults now..." she chuckled with a shrug, "... they can take the rap from my mom and dad all on their own."

"I guess so, well I guess that's me gone then." Giving a friendly wave he was about to get back into his car when she called.

"You know you've been waving at me like that since you were nineteen years old Elliot Stabler..." shaking her head wistfully Kathy added, "... where the hell did all those years go?"

"I think sometimes I still feel nineteen in my mind..." then, with a laugh Elliot confessed, "... I just wish I felt it in my lower back."

"Don't we all!"

"I guess I'm still making the same mistakes I did then, still as wound up and pissed off."

"You won't ever change." Said Kathy lovingly. "You want me to wake Eli up to say hi?"

"No, no let him sleep it's late for him. I'll see him at the weekend."

"You still planning on taking him to the zoo again? It's all he talks about you know."

"Sure, sure we're still going."

"Everything alright El?" asked Kathy, catching something a little off in his expression and behind his eyes. "You look like you've got something going on?"

"No, no I'm fine." He sounded like Olivia, he realised, missing her suddenly and realising he had been gone since dawn.

"You wanna talk about it?" asked Kathy, generously.

"No, no but thanks."

"Anytime."

"See you Saturday..." waving again Elliot climbed back in the car and, driving away from Kathy and their house, headed to the apartment that was now home.

* * *

><p>"I'm going out of my mind Fin."<p>

"You get no sympathy from me, doll face. I'm with El on this one. You don't budge from this apartment until we have a cast iron guarantee that no harm will come to you or that baby."

"No one can give that kind of guarantee..." rolling her eyes Olivia tossed her chosen card into the pile in the centre of the table and added, "... and you do realise this is house arrest don't you?"

"I do..." rolling a toothpick to the other side of his mouth Fin chewed on it broodingly as he studied his hand, "... and I'm comfortable with it."

"So..." playing her turn Olivia hesitated a moment before venturing, "... Dr Warner?"

"That wasn't a question..." said Fin drily, "... so you can stop staring at me for an answer."

"I've been hearing things."

"Don't do this, don't play me. Don't make like I'm one of your girlfriends you can get all pink and giggly with."

"How many pink, giggly girlfriends have you ever known me to have?" shot back Olivia with a wry smile and defensive eyebrow arch.

"Melinda is married with a kid and I'm, well, I'm me."

"Her 'kid' is a grown woman with a life of her own, her marriage has been as good as over since the day I met her many, many years ago..." tilting her head curiously Olivia tested, "... and what's so wrong with being you Odafin?"

"Drop it, cheekbones."

"You can deny it all you like Tutuola but you're a good guy. You might be a rough diamond but you're a real man and they're pretty rare..." shuddering at the memory of her time as a single woman in the city she pulled a face, "... and _trust me_ I dated enough losers to know."

"You're killing me, you do realise that don't you?"

"Guys like you deserve to get the girl..." not really one for this kind of talk, but comfortable enough with the right people Olivia shrugged, "... that's all I'm saying."

"Only they don't." Was that tart reply from Fin that threw her completely and soured the mood in the room instantly.

"Don't what?" she asked, taking his temperature and feeling quite ill at ease with the inscrutability of his expression.

"I'll let you off since you're all jacked up on baby hormones but you're talking a whole lotta hot air right now Benson."

"I..."

"I'm an overweight, middle aged son of a bitch who spent his whole life disappointing everyone he ever cared about..." twisting his face dismissively Fin huffed, "... guys like me don't get the girl."

"Fin..." she said, a little exasperated as he tossed his hand down onto the table and got up to leave.

"Angry, pig headed, messed up, blue eyed ex-marines with their heads up their own asses?" he snarled, turning suddenly chill. "_They_ get the girl."

"Fin what just happened?" asked a dumbstruck Olivia who, with a stomach turning unease was becomingly increasingly aware that she may well be the girl in question, rose from her chair to meet his eyes.

"Forget it..." came the heavy, loaded exhale as Fin grabbed his jacket and swaggered toward the door.

"What the hell?" cried Olivia exasperatedly. "You can't just throw that shit out there and then _leave_ Fin!"

"I'm taking baby girl to the aquarium on our next date..." one hand on the door he instructed, "... so text me her schedule."

"She's eighteen months old, she doesn't have a schedule! She goes wherever I..."

"Tuesday work for you? Can I take her then?"

"Yes, yeah sure you can but..."

"Great, great then I'll pick her up first thing."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"You could do a hell of a lot worse than Melinda Warner, you asshole!" yelled Olivia, as the door had almost closed behind him. Waiting for him to push it back open and reappear she added, "She's smart, she looks great, her humours as messed up as yours and she's just about the only woman I know with the balls to put up with your crap so..."

"Go take some vitamins and go to bed, it's late and you look tired."

"It's not that late and we're not done here."

"Hell yes we are."

"You son of a bitch don't you walk out on me like this! What happened just now because hell if I know!" throwing her hands in the air Olivia raised her voice to ask desperately, "What has gotten _into_ you Fin?"

"You have."

"What?" she half asked half gulped, as the words shattered all the tension and left her only with a heart stopping stillness.

"Don't play dumb, Liv..." he instructed with a bittersweet adoration, "... it doesn't suit you."

"Fin!" she insisted, but he was already gone. "Fin!" she repeated, to no one in particular as she stood in the stunned silence of her living room.

"Mama? Mama? Mama!" came the eventually impatient cry from Eve's bedroom. Started back to reality from her far off, misty eyed haze Olivia attempted to gather herself and pick her jaw and stomach back up from the carpet.

"Coming, baby girl..." as she spoke the words she heard Fin's voice playing them back to her and winced, "... I'll be right there, Evie. Mommy's coming."


	47. Mortal Fear

"I've booked in to take my sergeants exam at the end of the week."

"No, no Liv, not now..."

"Someone's been telling tales on me, huh?" asked Olivia, seeing profound concern etched across Cragen's ashen and rapidly aging face.

"Stabler cares about you more than I've ever known any man care about any woman..." stated Cragen, not sure if it really was incredulity or just envy he felt, "... it's almost wrong."

"I think I can handle taking a test Captain..." assured Olivia, her hand still resting on his hand as he sat through another strong cocktail of chemotherapy, "... we don't have to think about anything beyond that yet."

"It was quite a scare you gave them all after Ken's wedding."

"I'm fine."

"No one is invincible, detective..." cautioned Cragen, having seen her attempt to disprove the reality too many times, "... not even you."

"I know that."

"Do you? Do you or do you somehow think that you can defy mortality by blind stubbornness and this sheer force of that iron will that sustains you?"

"You not getting well again isn't an option." Stated Olivia, realising what it was for the first time to know reliance on a parental figure and to fear the absence of their solid foundation under her feet.

"Stop it, Olivia." And then, not for the first time, she heard her name spoken with the tone of a scolding father. "I have cancer. I have cancer in my liver that isn't going away. The treatment isn't working and it denial of that fact helps no one."

"I..."

"You are five months into a dangerous pregnancy with _no way_ of controlling the way the next four will go."

"Due respect Captain, but do you have a point or are you just..."

"Sometimes being strong means admitting that when all is said and done we are powerless to some higher power that calls the shots. We're weak and we're human and we're very, very mortal and we can't do a damn thing about it."

"Don't you think I know that the good guy doesn't always win? Don't you think I've seen enough crap, enough of your so called weakness and humanity to know how _painfully _true that is?" snapped Olivia hotly, refusing to be patronised on hurt or loss or any of the million tiny fragments of loss she carried around inside of her.

"No."

"My mother kept me."

"Liv..."

"Every day for four decades she saw the face of the man who raped her. She raised me in the shadow of the very worst thing that ever happened to her but she did her best. She did the best that she could, because that's what we do. We do the best we can, and we don't just give in. Hell you of all people should know that, you taught me it for Christ's sake!"

"And look at you now, the student has become the teacher." Smiled Cragen with a bittersweet pride.

"I don't give a damn about your higher power or whatever condescending crap you just spouted because I have _seen_ the people I love deft mortality time and time again. I _will not_ give up on this child I'm carrying until someone can look me in the eye and tell me that it is a physical _impossibility_ for us both to survive..." shaking her head slowly she added, "... and I'll ignore all your grim reaper bullshit until a doctor declares you the lost cause you already seem to think you are."

"Yes boss."

"Captain..."

"Hand me a popsicle..." glancing over at the selection he nurse had brought earlier Cragen pondered a second before adding, "...grape."

"Sure."

"Now tell me something. Something that has nothing to do with the job, the 1-6 or this damn cancer."

"Ermmm..." faltered Olivia, realising just how completely, almost unbearably full her mind was with all of the above."

"Oh come on, detective! I could've believed this of the Benson I knew a decade ago but you're not just your badge number anymore so..."

"See that popsicle stick you're holding?" cut in Olivia, her eyes playful and alive with a love he now recognized in her as a mother's.

"Yes."

"Evie got a chick pea stuck up her nose the other day and we had to take her to the emergency room to get it out."

"Wow."

"It was Elliot's fault."

"Sure, sure of course it was." Grinned Cragen, catching her guilty smile.

* * *

><p>"You asshole!"<p>

"Watch your language detective..." scolded Elliot with a poorly hidden grin and mocking tone as he splashed water at his partner again and heckled, "... there are _children_ in the pool."

"Are you giving your mama kisses, baby girl?" smiled Olivia, radiating an almost effervescent maternal glow from her seat on the edge of the pool. Water up to her knees she wore a turquoise bathing suit that made her olive skin sing, and displayed the increasingly prominent swell of pregnancy. "And snuggles too..." as Eve wrapped her soft, creamy white arms and legs around her mother Olivia carefully guided a wayward little foot away from kicking her stomach and shifted her daughter's weight up slightly, "... careful baby, be gentle."

"Hey Mouse how about you come swimming with daddy and give your mom a break?"

"No!" cried Eve, eyeing the water almost fearfully and clinging around Olivia's neck.

"She's not really scared." Said Olivia, having taken her to newborn swimming classes many times and knowing her daughter was more than comfortable in the water.

"Oh I know..." smiled Elliot wryly, "... you're just having a mommy day today, aren't you Evie?" Rolling his eyes Elliot waded through the water towards them and wrapped his broad palms tightly around Eve's body, meeting her eyes and bidding her to trust him "Come on, baby, come swim with me."

"Mama!"

"I'm here sweetheart. I'm watching you be a big, brave girl..." assured Olivia, before a rush of her own insecurities prompted her to add with a hushed whisper, "... El those water wings are totally inflated, right?"

"If they were any more inflated you'd be taking off..." chuckled Elliot, gently introducing Eve to the water before indulging her curiosity and setting her down inside her pink inflatable princess ring, "... wouldn't you kiddo?"

"Evie baby don't drink the pool water..." sticking out her tongue and pulling a disgusted face at her daughter Olivia added emphatically, "... eugh, bleugh, yucky! Keep your mouth shut, like this, sweetie."

"Now it's your turn..." smiled Elliot, holding out his hand beckoningly to her, "... get in here."

"No, no thanks I'm good."

"Get _in_ here!" insisted Elliot, keeping one hand firmly on Eve while reaching out and grabbing at Olivia's wrist with the other.

"El, no..." said Olivia with soft resolution, before adding a slightly more urgent, "... no, Elliot!"

"No?" he tested, his blue eyes reflecting off the pool and catching her breath. He could see in the warm lines her face was fallen into, the lack of insistence in her tone and the way her arm gave little or no resistance to his tugging that she wasn't seriously intent on sitting tight. "Mouse free style a second for me will you?" smiled Elliot, not taking his eyes off his daughter for a moment as he reached out and grabbed at Olivia's waist, sliding her to the edge of the pool and waiting for her to coil her legs around him before dragging her into the water.

"Hi, hi baby..." cooed Olivia, tickling her fingertips against the lycra of Eve's purple bathing suit as she floated in the water, supported gently by Elliot's strong arms, "... are we all swimming? Are you kicking your little legs? You're so clever, you're so smart baby girl."

"You okay?" asked Elliot, still holding his arm snug around Olivia even when her feet were safely touching the bottom of the pool.

"El check her out..." catching her breath at just how adorable Eve was, blowing gurgling bubbles with her mouth and button nose just under the surface of the water, "... could she _be_ any freakin' cuter?"

"Okay..." swallowed Elliot, the blood rushing suddenly from his head and leaving him feeling quite dizzy, "... you win."

"I usually do..." shooting him a wry smile Olivia played pat-a-cake with Eve and lifted a curious eyebrow, "... but what specifically did I win this time?"

"We do this your way."

"What?" she asked, not yet realising the enormity of what he was saying.

"One day at a time..." murmured Elliot with a heady combination of resolute calm and understandable trepidation, "... but I swear to God the second your life is in danger the game changes."

"El..."

"I mean it, Liv..." he warned, fixing her with a don't push me gaze only equalled by her own, "... I won't budge on this one."

"Okay."

"You don't mean that do you?" he sighed, seeing her loving him but defending her cub like a guarded lioness.

"Stop it..." She warned, slapping his hand away as it reached for her belly, "... you know that drives me insane."

"Man I love it when you pretend to be mad." Grinned Elliot, grabbing at her waist again under the water.

"Who's pretending?" asked Olivia with raised intonation.

"You know you're carrying lower this time."

"Is that your medical opinion, doctor?"

"No, no it's the wisdom of a pro-father and I definitely think we've got a little guy in here so..."

"Elliot get off me!" splashing him away Olivia shook her head with loving impatience. "Stop talking about me like I'm one of Warner's exam subjects and stop _pawing_ me!"

"Babe it's my kid too..." protested Elliot, a little hurt by her frustrated distancing, "... don't I get to be in on the action?" she realised, for the first time, that she had not had to share the absolute intimacy of pregnancy with anyone last time. Fin had been close, but he had not breathed it with her the way Elliot now did.

"Trust me..." she breathed, sidling her body up close to his and pushing her rounded stomach into his abs, "... you get to be _very much_ in on the action."

"Oh yeah?" he growled, as she cupped the nape of his neck with a wet hand and pressed her lips against his in a warm, teasingly drawn-out kiss.

"Yeah..." she purred, before breaking the tension and flashing a wicked smile, "... but I'm not an animal in a petting zoo and I will kick your ass every time you act like my stomach isn't attached to the rest of me."

* * *

><p>"I like Mexican food."<p>

"What?" asked Warner, signing her name at the bottom of the document with a flourish before giving him her full attention.

"And pizza, I like pizza."

"Okay..." she faltered, unable to read his expression of the strangely defensive stance of his body language.

"Do you?" he remembered having felt like this once before. He was thirteen years old stood in front of a rundown Taco Bell asking Martha Franklin to the movies.

"Sure, sure it's actually one of my favourite..."

"Do you maybe wanna eat some together someplace, sometime, you know..." wrinkling his nose lightly Fin tested, "... if that isn't weird?"

"Someplace, sometime, do you want to be a little more vague there Detective Tutola?" she teased, knowing full well she would say yes but enjoying the adorable way he squirmed. She had never seen him squirm before, in fact she had never seen him quite so human as she was in that moment.

"It's a dumbass idea, forget I..."

"I get off early on Fridays. How about you swing by around seven and pick me up?". As he nodded in agreement she smiled, "I know a great little family Italian about three blocks from my place."

"Huh, so Friday then." Said Fin, realising there just always seemed something so easy about his interactions with Melinda.

"See you Friday."

* * *

><p>"Is he watching this too?"<p>

"Who?" asked Olivia as she absentmindedly tapped at her iPhone while lying in the spoon of Elliot's body on the couch.

"There's only one other person but me you text at this time of night..." smiled Elliot with a fond tolerance of his partner's friendship with their fellow detective, "... tell Fin hey."

"Okay." Smiled Olivia, grateful that he had never once raised issue with the close relationship Fin had with not only her but Eve too. It must bother him sometimes, she mused quietly, and for that she felt culpable. Not so much for the present, but for the past memories she had kept from him and allowed Fin to claim instead.

_"You wanna come early to pick Evie up tomorrow? Think we should talk."_

"You doing okay?" asked Elliot, as she set her phone down on the coffee table and snuggled back into his chest.

"Yeah, yeah I'm good..." she nodded honestly, pausing a beat before checking, "... you?"

"I've been thinking..." came the lazy, pondering thought as Elliot stared at the television, "... what about Sean for a boy?"

"Or James?" raising an eyebrow at the movie character escaping by speedboat. "We are _not_ taking baby name inspiration from Bond, babe. No matter how big of a fan you might be."

"He's a pretty good role model, you gotta give him that?" defended Elliot jokingly. "And he always sounds so smart."

"You think anyone with a British accent sounds smart."

"True but..."

"I'm not even gonna take the bait on this one. I don't want to name this baby until I'm holding it. Besides you do realise there's a fifty percent chance we'll need a girls' name anyway?"

"Did you ever think of naming for your mom?" asked Elliot, undeterred and willing to indulge the possibility of another little girl.

"No." She said, far too quickly to be sincere.

"Okay..." he nodded slowly, sensing he had touched a nerve.

"I already did..." she backtracked casually, before sobering and turning to look up at him, "... she was Serena Grace Benson."

"Evie Grace..." murmured Elliot, feeling compelled to press a kiss against her cheekbone at the realisation.

"I can't believe I never told you..." said Olivia culpably, not hesitating to add a heartfelt, "... I'm sorry."

"It's okay. You know you could've named that kid Watermelon and I'd have fallen for her just as hard."

"I know..." she smiled broadly, fine lines appearing at the corners of her eyes and making her whole face appear alight, "... you got a middle name?"

"Richard."

"Huh, so that one's gone too. In fact you've used up all your options on Eli and Dickie so if it's a girl I think we'll just have to call her Olivia and be done with it."

"Yeah because that wouldn't be confusing ever."

"From the guy who named his kid Elliot?" shot back Olivia, matching him effortlessly every time and delighting in the knowledge their back and forth banter could and would go on eternally.

"You know maybe we've just got to think outside the box here. Maybe a little Ellchard or a baby Olliot..."

"You're insane." Dismissed Olivia as she so often did with his penchant for childish amusement before a few moments later finding herself drawn into the fun. "Richot?" she postulated with an almost regal affect to her voice, before thinking for a moment and adding "Or Ellia?"

"Wait..." shifting slightly against the cushions and drawing together two thick brows Elliot replayed the suggestion in his mind before raising a grin.

"Wow..." as if reading his mind she smiled, a little breathless, "... that's actually really pretty."

"Evie and Ellia."

"You're rethinking that boy you reckon I'm low slinging now aren't you?" she teased gently.

"Carrying. Slinging is for guns, babe."

"Get back to me in four months time and we'll have this conversation again."

"It'd have one 'l'..." said Elliot with a decisive finality, "... it'd be E-l-i-a."

* * *

><p>"Mama!"<p>

"Hi!" beamed Olivia on opening her apartment door to a beaming Eve.

"Uh-oh look..." leaning out of Fin's arms and extending a chubby finger Eve identified her left knee and pulled a face, "... imma gotta boo-boo, mama."

"Oh no, baby..." soothed Olivia softly, kissing her fingertips and then running them lovingly over the light graze, "... there, all better?"

"No..." said Eve flatly, leaning even further over to re-examine her knee and declare quite rightly, "... boo-boo."

"Yeah, yeah sweetie you're right... " chuckled Olivia, "... it's still there."

"Nothing gets past this kid..." marvelled Fin, pressing a kiss against Eve's temple as they followed Olivia into the lounge, "... and jeez can she run fast nowadays."

"Have you been giving your Uncle Fin the run around today, baby?" settling the tired toddler in front of the television and handing her a bottle of milk and her favourite blanket Olivia waited to see she was okay before turning to Fin.

"I should hit the road..." he said, not wanting to hear what she was obviously about to say.

"Can we talk first?"

"No."

"Fin..." feeling suddenly as though she were persuading Eve to eat her processed vegetables or keep her shoes on Olivia tilted her head and pulled a face, "... come on?"

"I don't wanna do you..." he stated frankly, lifting his shoulders and then shrugging them down and shaking off her greatest fear, "... if that's what you wanna talk about."

"Okay, okay I just..." uncharacteristically flustered Olivia rubbed a hand over her makeup free face and threw her eyes to the heavens with mild mortification, "... well now I feel like an idiot."

"Don't."

"I didn't dream the other day though..." she persisted, knowing she needed absolute clarity on this if nothing else, "... and I know what I heard. I know what was said. I understand what you..."

"No you don't." Cutting in Fin shook his head, slowly, deliberately, as if holding her silence simply by the intensely emotive penetration of his kind eyes. "You don't know or understand a damn thing, doll face."

"So tell me, explain it to me..." she challenged, refusing to back down or cower away from what was obviously stood between the two of them and that would threaten their friendship until confronted, "... make me understand?"

"You changed me."

"I did?" she asked, so used was she to the men in her life forcing her to extract information by nigh on interrogation it came as a startling surprise that he would be so blunt.

"I'm an ass. Nature and nurture made it that way and I never did much about it. I was a lousy husband and an even worse father. I put the job before my family and I stayed under as long as I could because it was easy. I was someplace else. I was someone else. I didn't have to think or feel or do anything real. I lived in a parallel world with no consequences and no responsibilities." Wandering into the kitchen Fin picked up an orange and rolled it between his hands broodingly, "And then I joined SVU."

"You're not an ass, Fin."

"I joined SVU and I met this stubborn, self-righteous, pouty little piece of skirt who believes in justice and a greater good and second chances and..." holding the orange in his right palm Fin wrapped his fingers around it and stared at Olivia, "... and who might just be the most truly kind person I have ever known."

"Wow..." she breathed, her heart held steady in her chest for a few moments before in sheer desperation she was forced to inject a dark shot of comic relief, "... did you just eulogise me?"

"I was there with you in Sealview. I was there all the times Simon was a dick. I was there after El shot Jenna. I was there when you first saw Evie Grace on that ultrasound..." hearing the rawness in his voice and seeing the shining emotion in his dark eyes Olivia was moved unspeakably, "... and I have been there with her for her first bottle, her first trip to the park, her first words, first steps, first birthday. I haven't let that kid down once."

"And I'd trust you with her life." Stated Olivia unflinchingly.

"And I've earned that trust." Said Fin with an almost lion like pride and confidence. "I didn't miss a single scan the whole time you were having her. I gave up football tickets to go to Lamaze classes. I turn down poker games to watch Disney movies with my girls and there is _nothing_ that I wouldn't do or give up for you or for Evie."

"And I appreciate..."

"This isn't me looking for a freakin' medal. This is me telling you that you changed me, you got inside my head, you didn't realise it but you did. You made all the things that used to scare the crap out of me just normal, just every day, just part of life. Part of a life I used to run like hell away from but now..." shrugging Fin pushed out his lower lip and proffered, "... well I guess I wouldn't mind so much."

"So the other night when you said..."

"You're hot stuff, cheekbones..." smiled Fin, flashing his teeth, "... but did you really think that's what I meant? That's messed up."

"Well I just..."

"I love you so much it's sick but you belong with Stabler..." he chuckled, allowing her respite from her embarrassed discomfort, "... for your sins."

"Warner scares the crap out of you, doesn't she?" asked Olivia, finally understanding just where this was all coming from and why Fin had gone so completely off the deep end when he had.

"No."

"Liar."


	48. Say It's Possible

"Shit!"

"You okay?" asked Elliot, not lifting his eyes from his cell phone where he was responding to increasingly frequent and warm toned text messages from his twins.

"No, no I'm pretty sure that I've just gotten a green elephant embedded in my left foot and I'm wearing underwear that could take a bullet..." hopping slightly and massaging her toy related injury Olivia wearily chucked a low kitten heel on each foot and declared, "... but I think I'm finally ready to roll."

"You've gotta relax and just..." physically unable to continue forming words as he ceased breathing Elliot stared, feeling his heart pounding in his chest at the self deprecating vision emerging from the bedroom, "... holy mother of..."

"What?" asked Olivia uncomprehendingly, "Am I wearing odd shoes? Did Evie sharpie a stick person family onto my hemline again?" this provoked a chuckle in Elliot, as he remembered the toddler drama that had played out earlier in the evening. "Am I amusing to you?"

"No..." said Elliot simply, "... you're breathtaking to me."

"Oh is that all?" she smiled, unclenching her palm and pinning a small gold diamond in each ear. "Well come on then Romeo, we'd better hit the road before we miss our dinner reservation."

"Did I tell you that I got a call from Lizzie earlier?"

"She okay?" asked Olivia, draping a light shawl around the shoulders of her dress and heading for the door.

"She's had this idea she wanted to run by me. See every year since Maureen was little we used to spend my birthday out at Coney Island. We'd ride the ferry out and spend the day just messing around and then sit on the beach eating the unhealthiest crap we had for dinner."

"You're asking me to sign off on you doing the same thing with Kathy and the kids this year too?" prickled Olivia, employing none of her detective instincts and only a jealous heart to jump to a conclusion.

"No."

"Because I do realise that there are compromises to be made if you're gonna maintain a relationship with your other kids and..."

"Liv she wants me to bring you and Mouse along."

"What?" blindsided by his childrens' increasing capacity for forgiveness and ability to bend Olivia shook her head in disbelief.

"Kathy is going upstate to visit an old friend from school and Lizzie's convinced her that I can take Eli for the whole weekend..." it was so far beyond anything he had been gifted before, and the final puzzle piece would have been almost unthinkable a few months earlier, "... at your place."

"Wow."

"So what I'm asking you to sign off on is shoehorning my six year old into our already insane lives for a weekend and spending the 20th at the pier with Lizzie, Dickie and Kathleen."

"No Maureen?" noted Olivia sadly.

"Honestly I feel like I've won the birthday lottery getting five out of six kids on board..." and then, with a hesitation that was very sweet to her Elliot tested, "... well, four out of six until..."

"El of _course_ she'll be there..." smiled Olivia softly, walking over to him and pressing a reassuring kiss against his jaw, "... and so will I."

"It might not be the easiest couple of days. Eli is a real handful and this place is a squeeze as it is. As for the kids, well they've never hung out with us as a couple before and even though Kathleen has met Evie the others..."

"Elliot at what point do you remember _any_ part of what we're doing here being easy?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.

"I guess you got me there."

* * *

><p>"Thanks for that, detective."<p>

"You not got the stomach to ride with the big guns Rollins?" smirked Munch, stepping out from the driver's side and flashing a smirk at his partner for the evening.

"I nearly lost my carbonara." Confessed Rollins looking a little green around the edges as she donned her leather jacket and they headed at pace into the emergency room at Mercy.

"What are we looking at?" asked John Munch for felt like the millionth time as a nurse emerged from behind the reception desk to greet them.

"She's ten..." would never lessen its acid bite as an opening statement no matter how long a detective has been on the job, "... we admitted her just over an hour ago with severe bruising, a broken collar bone and a mild concussion."

"Jeez." Muttered Rollins, steeling herself for what was still to come as the nurse opened up a flip chart.

"We're still working on her and the consultant is in with her right now so we can't let you see her yet but this is definitely a case of abuse."

"Sexual?" asked Rollins, no longer hesitating before driving straight to the heart of the matter but no less hesitant to put her own on the line.

"We have some concerns..." evaded the nurse, not willing to commit in that moment to what was unthinkable but sadly not impossible to her mind, "... but I want to wait and have you speak with the doctor to confirm."

"But you don't think she broke her collar bone accidentally?" asked Munch, always keen to take the temperature of a nurse's gut judgement before the medical conclusion of a doctor.

"She's a cool liar and a wicked smart little girl..." replied the nurse with quiet consideration, "... but she forgot she used the very same explanation when she was admitted for a sprained wrist a month and a half ago and no kid falls over her grandmother's cat twice in one..."

"Wait, did you just say..."

"Mandy!" came a strained but euphorically relieved cry from inside the room from which the consultant emerged in that moment. Reaching to hold open the door Rollins looked between the little girl and her partner.

"Detective?" asked Munch, sensing he needed to be briefed before entry.

"Mandy?" went up the repeated entreat, as dark eyes pleaded with Rollins and motioned beckoningly with a drip pierced hand.

"You know her?" pushed Munch, seeing the agony in Rollins' face.

"Yeah, yeah I know her..." she swallowed, her ice blue eyes misting over as they met his gaze and swallowed chokingly, "... John, that's Zara Amaro."

* * *

><p>"Coming!" called Melinda Warner from the bedroom of her brownstone as the doorbell chimed for the second time. Smoothing her tight, corkscrew curls she admired her reflection in the mirror and decided that, all things considered, she didn't look half bad. Her figure was well maintained despite her insane working hours, her skin was blessedly presenting a more youthful outside than she felt internally and her eyes were alive. Her eyes were more alive than they had been in almost a decade and she knew in her heart, though she was yet to fully allow herself to admit it, that it was entirely thanks to the man now ringing at her doorbell.<p>

"See here's the thing..." said Fin, dressed in a dapper suit and brandishing a beautiful bouquet of Fall flowers, "...when I said I had a surprise I made it sound like a good surprise."

"And you're about to tell me it isn't?"

"Dang..." he muttered, his dry mouth clicking slightly as he felt a slight acceleration of his pulse, "... you don't look like you usually do."

"Huh." She said, not entirely sure what to do with his statement.

"Oh..." he said quickly, "... these are for you."

"They're gorgeous, thank you."

"I wanted to do this right. Flowers, candles, wine and stuff. You're a classy lady Warner and this was meant to be a classy evening."

"Why do I feel like we're winding up to a 'but' here?" smiling through the anticipation of disappointment Warner held her breath.

"They're like an old married couple. They work in shifts and when they're not working they're at home with baby girl and it's only gonna get worse when the new baby comes so when she got her good news this afternoon I kind of..." lifting his shoulders and holding them for a second Fin's face fell into adorable lines of helpless affection as he released his shrug and confessed, "... well I kind of said I'd Evie-sit this evening."

"You're telling me that you staged an intervention on the telanovela that is the Benson/Stabler crazy train and invited an eighteen month old on our date?"

"We're on a date?" gulped Fin, not having thought of it let alone said it in as few words.

"Not yet we're not."

"Are we going to be?" asked Fin, allowing the idea to settle and realising he wasn't nearly as intimidated by it as he had thought he might be. "Or did I blow my chances?"

"Will there still be pizza?" asked Melinda, playing with the keys in her hand.

"Yeah, yeah and I have a takeout coupon..." announced Fin with a gleeful flash of teeth, "... we can get two free sides and a to-share dessert."

"Well if you have a _coupon_..." she teased with a light mocking, and an impish smile. Then, seeing how he truly was being tortured by her hesitation she laughed, "You know you really are very sweet sometimes, even if you do need to work on the timing of your generosity. I hope Liv and Stabler realise how lucky they are to have you around."

"Does that mean you're gonna come eat pizza with Evie and me?" he asked hopefully, noting the way she often used more words than he would to get to the same conclusion.

"No, no it does not..." replied Warner with a warm, but firm determination, "... because I'm wearing Prada and Manolos."

"Oh."

"Evie is going to come eat pizza with _us_..." chocolate eyes curtained by thick fans of curled lashes batted lightly as Melinda added breathily, "... and then I'm guessing she goes to bed at some point?"

"Well she likes to have a bath with Ducky and read Goodnight Moon first but..." silenced by the intensity of her gaze and a sudden flush of hot desire as her smooth coffee skin caught alight in the glow of the streetlamp Fin swallowed, "... but I can cut her a deal this one time."

"You do that..." smiled Warner, locking her door and tossing her keys into her purse, "... let's go."

* * *

><p>"It killed me you know..." confessed Elliot, two glasses of wine into the evening and staring across the table deep into Olivia's warm Hershey kisses gaze, "... every single minute you were with that Hayden jerk."<p>

"He wasn't a jerk, Elliot..." said Olivia, tossing her eyes lightly as she lay a fork across her finished plate and smiled, "... he was sweet and kind and generous and..."

"So why aren't you in Boston with him if he's so freakin' perfect?" his heated jealousy drove her wild, she realised, and it was so much fun to watch him take her deliberate bait.

"Because of the one thing he wasn't..." she replied casually, dangling him painfully somewhere between her plunging neckline and the tantalising reminder of how close she had come to committing to a life with someone else.

"What's that then?" he asked, knowing he was being played and not giving a damn. It was all words and he knew it. He knew it in the way her hand gently stroked against the grain of the hairs on his forearm as they talked. He knew it in the way her eyes danced across his face and read every line there effortlessly. He knew it in the way her tongue dripped with a hunger for him as she spoke the words.

"You."

"Huh." Smiled Elliot, wanting to grin but holding his jaw around it.

"Could you _be_ any smugger right now?" she laughed derisively.

"I wasn't so smug when I found out you were having his kid. I wanted to castrate the guy."

"El..."

"You think I'm kidding!"

"I know you're not."

"I heard him outside the courthouse one day bragging to his DA office buddies about how you were gonna give up your shield and stay home with the baby in a place he'd picked out over the river in Jersey and I put a hole in the wall of Novak's office because I was so desperate to beat the living crap out of him."

"Why didn't you?" she asked quickly, not giving him chance to think on his answer.

"You." Came the instantaneous response, before he relaxed slightly and elaborated, "He made you happy. He could give you want you wanted and I had no right to..."

"He could give me what I _thought_ I wanted, what I convinced myself I needed, but I wasn't happy. I never would've been. I never could've been."

"No?" asked Elliot, as her hand found his and their fingers danced with one another until finally sinking into a tight clasp.

"Not when the one thing I really wanted, the one person I really needed..." breaking the intoxicating tension between them her lips twisted to a smirk, "... was busy punching holes in Casey's walls."

"You think you're cute, don't you detective?" he groaned with a chuckling shake of his head.

"What was that?" she tested, leaning forward in her seat and beckoning with her index finger for him to do the same. He knew this look in her eyes. He loved this look in her eyes.

"You're new rank is sitting pretty comfortable already, isn't it?" he teased, in truth incredibly proud at her having aced her exam earlier that day.

"Should I get the check?" he murmured, as she leant far enough forward for him to smell raspberry sorbet on her breath.

"Just leave the cash..." she whispered, leaning forward and kissing him with summer fruits and a promise of more, "... consider that an order from a Detective Sergeant."

* * *

><p>"Imma gotta na-na for you!"<p>

"Another banana..." beamed Melinda Warner, sitting with her shoes kicked off and her long curls released from their earlier chignon as she accepted another piece of fruit from a bright eyed Eve Benson, "... wow, thank you Evie. You're so good at giving presents, aren't you sweetie?"

"I wish she was as good at going to bed." Grumbled Fin, wishing for the first time in his memory that Evie would hurry herself through the goodnight process.

"Hey Evie? Hey, hey baby, how about you show me where you go to sleep at your Uncle Fin's?" coaxed Melinda gently, watching as the child's wide blue eyes settled curiously on her own. It was as if she knew all too well what the adult was proposing, but she had kind brown eyes that held shades of her mother and there was something about her that she trusted implicitly.

"Issa big girl bed..." confided Evie, taking several moments to hoist herself from the carpet and align two chubby legs either side of her diaper before thrusting a chubby hand into Melinda's, "... shhhh."

"You gotta be quiet in her bedroom..." explained Fin, introducing Warner little by little into the tiny, cocoon world he created for Evie when she stayed with him, "... so the bedtime fairies don't get scared."

"The bed time fairies?" she asked, blown away time and time again that evening by the breathtaking tenderness that lay beneath Detective Tutuola's gruff and at first glance almost intimidating demeanour.

"She used to wail like a little cat every night she didn't have mom there at bed time..." recalled Fin with a casual, matter of fact shrug, "... so I told her Liv sent the bedtime fairies to look after her."

"You ever think about having another kid?" was a question that flew like a curve ball across the living room and struck Fin so hard against the left side of his chest that it left him quite winded for several long moments. Staring hard at Warner, their lives suddenly mirroring back at one another as the sands of time held steady long enough for them both to realise the terrifying enormity of what could potentially lie before them he swallowed slowly.

"Yeah..." he said, neither able nor wanting to lie to her in that moment or any other, "...yeah lately I guess I do sometimes."

"I could really take a beer when she's down for the night."

"I have beer." He said, encouraged, as he crossed the room to join her.

"No, no it's okay you hang out..." insisted Melinda, bending own to scoop Eve up into her arms and remembering how good it felt to have a little body cling lovingly to her own, "... we've got this, haven't we Evie?"

* * *

><p>"You know I only took that test because Cragen asked me to."<p>

"Yeah?" tested Elliot, lying in the gloaming with Olivia lying on his chest.

"He's scared. He won't admit it but this cancer has him backed into a corner the way he's never been before. With the drinking he lost control but he took it back. He got sober. You can't control cancer and so he's doing his damndest to control everything else."

"You could do it though, you know that right?" lifting a lazy hand Elliot stroked gently at Olivia's hair just above her ear. It was warm and silken soft to the touch and he knew he would see her whole face melt at the repetitive, soothing motion. "You could be captain of the 1-6 someday if you wanted to be."

"I don't want to be."

"I just meant in theory not..."

"If Cragen dies?" it was the first time she had said it out loud and her capacity to do so surprised him a little. "Because that's the reality, isn't it? That's the control he's taking. He can't beat the cancer so he's taking care of things in case it beats him."

"He's not giving up yet babe..." holding her a little closer Elliot added softly, "... and neither is anyone else."

"What's with the gnocci?" she asked suddenly, after a few moments of quiet to digest their earlier conversation.

"Is that a trick question?" puzzled Elliot, his hand finding her hip bone under the duvet and amusing himself by provoking a very different reaction in her expression. "Or some kind of FBI code you learned as Penelope Jones."

"Persephone James..." she corrected with a smirk, "... and no, no I'm really asking. You've hated gnocci for over a decade and then tonight you ordered it. Did it stop being weird balls of wet potato?"

"I don't know." He shrugged, realising he honestly didn't. "That guy next to us had it and it looked kind of good..." with a reflective upturn of his lips Elliot bent down and found her lips, kissing her ever so softly and then pinching her lower lip gently between his teeth, "... I guess a lot of things I used to ignore are tasting pretty good these days."

"Did I _miss_ the part where you used to ignore me?" quipped Olivia with a wry smile. "Because from what I remember less ignoring and more annoying. You were a pain in my ass the whole time you were pretending you didn't want to eat gnocci!"

"From what I remember... " he growled, sliding his arm out from under her and towering over her, eclipsing her view of anything but the broad width of his muscular torso and bending down for hungry kisses as he murmured, "... there were a lot of things I was pretending I didn't want to eat."

"Elliot!" he loved it when he horrified her and, no matter how adept she was at teasing him, his smut could bury her every time.

"Shhh..." he commanded at a low growl, "... don't talk, don't move..."

"I..."

"Shhh..." he repeated arrestingly, moving down her body and breathing hotly against the skin as he travelled south, "... just lie still."


	49. Put Your Hands Into The Fire

"I'm going in there whether you like it or..."

"Are you high right now?"

She glared so intently at Nick he felt his stomach rolling churns of bile that rose in his throat and prevented him answering her. Prevented him lying to her. His conscience bit hard and staring at Amanda Rollins for the first time he saw himself looking back. The reflected image was not one he recognized, and it was not one he liked.

"Then the _hell_ you are."

"She's my daughter for Christ's sake Rollins!"

"Yeah, yeah and you are father. That won't ever change. What's changed is how capable you are to actually **be** her dad. This is it thought, Nick. I swear to God. We've been here before but we won't ever be here again. This is the moment, right here, right now that you make a choice. You choose to get clean and to stay clean, you choose to kick the pills once and for all..." shaking her head emphatically Rollins sighed, "... and you _choose_ Zara."

"Who do think you are to stand there judging me? Who the hell do you think you are to say these things?"

"Who the hell am I?" she scoffed, with bitter heart clenched disbelief. "I am the detective working your daughter's case Amaro..." she spat sourly, before twisting with an indissoluble loyalty, "... and I am the best goddamn friend you have right now."

"You're the only friend I have right now." Acknowledged Nick, giving her that inch that allowed her to hold out hope she one day might see a mile.

"Look, it's getting late and she's had one hell of a day. Let her sleep tonight. Go home. Go home and figure out how you're going to help her get through this. Go home and figure out how you're going to get _yourself_ through this. Think about what she needs right now..." realising nothing short of strong arming tough love would talk him down Rollins added, "... because it sure as heck isn't you going in there high as a kite and freaking her out even more than she is already."

"Okay, okay fine you win..." he relented, turning on his heel and running a hand through visibly unwashed hair.

"Nick?" called Rollins, her eyes kind but unflinching in their resolve. "No one won here. Not today. Not tonight."

"I'll go to a meeting."

"You bet your ass you will..." she nodded steadily, "... you want company?"

"No, no I'll go alone." He swallowed with a gravelly depth to his voice as he stared at her, lingering in his departure partly because his little girl lay only a few doors away and he couldn't see her and partly because he felt safer in Amanda Rollins' presence. As though somehow in her presence, just for a few moments, the ground that shifted so relentlessly under his feet was held steady. He could catch his breath.

"Fine."

"I'm sorry, Rollins."

"Don't be sorry Amaro..." she said, hearing the voice of her old captain echoing in her head, her heart, and finally finding her lips, "... just be better."

* * *

><p>"I feel like there's a hidden camera in here watching us all sat around like morons."<p>

"Did he not say anything when you spoke to him?" asked Olivia, leaning with an elbow against Munch's desk as she sat with Stabler and Fin almost as though it were old times. "All I got was a two second get your asses down here right now."

"We pretty much just threw Mouse out the window at Alex as we drove past her place." Added Stabler with a grin as he stirred his coffee and tossed Olivia a sachet of herbal tea to add to her boiling water.

"What happened to black and bitter?" asked Fin, noting Benson's changed beverage order.

"No caffeine..." lifting a perfectly sculpted brow Olivia quipped drily, "... it's why I'm so perky."

"Damn I forgot how much fun you had doing this last time around."

"You should try living with her!" teased Elliot, forgetting how close Fin had come to doing just that while Olivia had been pregnant with Eve. "We're not allowed ketchup, red meat or Easy Mac anymore..." retching slightly at the mere mention Olivia did not deny the allegation, and could only attempt to defy a smile as Elliot added fondly, "... but there aren't enough apples and peanut butter in the tri-state area to keep this weirdo happy."

"Is this you being professional at work, _babe_?" asked Olivia, shooting her partner a withering stare. The three realised, all at once and with a sudden rush of reality, that while it might look and at times feel like old times almost everything was different. They could pretend all they wanted but the closeness of all their relationships would forever change how they related to one another in the squad room. Fin had been with Olivia through all the intimate highs and lows of her first pregnancy and he had borne his soul about everything and nothing to her at 4am too many times to count. Where Elliot had once looked at Olivia with the forbidden longing of a married man he now wore a comfortable, indulgent, unconditionally loving smile of a man who proudly called her his.

"Speaking of professional at work..." deflected Elliot, taking a slurping sip from his steaming mug, "... how was your date with Warner the other night?"

"It wasn't a date."

"You wore a pant suit didn't you?"

"Yeah, yeah and your nineteen month old covered it in barbeque sauce while she sat in my lap eating her fries." Though his words were disdainful there was nothing but fondness and recollected amusement in Fin's eyes or smile.

"So what you're saying is that our toddler salted your game?" grinned Stabler. "Remind me to try harder to get a different sitter next time."

"You dare..." warned Fin, "... you know I don't share her with just anyone."

"Wait, hang on..." frowning lightly Olivia rejoined the conversation from where she had been briefly buried deep in Zara Amaro's case file, "... did you just say you gave Evie fries and barbecue sauce?"

"No." Fin's eyes were impish and shining as he told a very poor lie.

"Did you remember _nothing _from our little chat about what you can and can't feed her Odafin?" sighed Olivia, increasingly resigned to the idea that the men in Evie's life would most likely ruin her no matter how hard she fought.

"So there's really nothing in this thing with you and Warner?" asked Elliot, a little disappointed he had to admit. There was something that, even though he had never entertained the notion previously, felt just kind of right about the idea of Fin and Melinda getting together. Almost as though it had been staring them all in the face for years and they just hadn't seen it. He wondered, perhaps, whether others had felt that way about him and Olivia at one time.

"I can't tell you what a relief it is to see a full house here again..." joining the group with the sweeping gravitas he radiated so effortlessly Munch reached out to Olivia and Elliot's shoulders and gave them an unusually expressive squeeze, "... good to see you back, old friends."

"What's going on John?" asked Olivia, reminding him of just how hard it was to even begin to try and lie to those eyes. Lowering his gaze Munch took a moment to take in the Detective Benson now sat at his desk. Though her face remind unchanged it had lost a little of the edgy, tormented beauty it used to carry. Though she was still undeniably attractive, the lines of her jaw and cheekbones had softened slightly and it was not just, he mused, as a result of recent motherhood. It was that thought which brought him to the unmistakable bump that she failed to hide under a loose fitting blouse and well cut jacket.

"How are you doing?" he said, deliberately answering her question with one of his own. "Better than the last time we were all together I trust?"

"I'm fine, thanks..." it was a swift but sincere response that allowed her to quickly return to her original quest, "... now do you know why we're all here? Cragen was giving nothing away on the phone and he's even got him here?"

"So he _must_ be desperate." Quipped Stabler, the corners of his mouth twisting wryly at Olivia's ability to talk with fond irreverence about him, as if he were the ball and chain she had been toting around her ankle for decades.

"I mean because you're narcotics now, don't be an ass." Said Olivia with an eye roll.

"We need cover for Nick..."

"I thought he was back on reduced hours?" asked Elliot, finishing off his coffee and setting his mug down as Olivia got up from her chair and subtly arched her back to alleviate it's dull ache.

"He was but, ermm, well..." composing himself and looking directly at them all through dark rimmed glasses John Munch sighed, "... well he can't work this one."

"El I think we're gonna need to call Alex and warn her that we might be in this for the long haul," murmured Olivia, just loud enough that Elliot alone could hear. Taking a step back from the group, consciously ensuring their personal exchange would go unheard by Munch and Fin as they engaged in their own conversation at Fin's desk, she added, "I hope she didn't have dinner plans."

"Did you pack enough stuff for Mouse to stay the night if she has to?" asked Elliot, realising that the negative implications of he and Olivia working together went further than office politics. If they were both in the squad room, where was Eve?

"I can't do that to her, El. She's a trooper but that's not fair she didn't sign on for a sleepover."

"Hey you two, care to share with the group?" heckled Fin, forcing them to rejoin their co-workers.

"Childcare..." confessed Olivia, realising that however much they might try to avoid the elephant in the room there were moments in which she was both unable and unwilling to pretend she and Elliot were anything less than they were, "... we're just figuring out a contingency plan so we can both stay here tonight."

"Who's got baby girl?" asked Fin, as protective as they were of their daughter.

"Alex."

"As in Cabot?" asked Munch with surprise. "She hates kids!"

"She doesn't hate mine."

"She doesn't _hate_ any!" scoffed Elliot dismissively. Then, as they all turned like soldiers rising to attention he added under a cough, "Captain, incoming."

* * *

><p>"Should you be sitting up there Benson?"<p>

"Why? Do you think the altitude is going to the baby's head?" flashing her Captain a derisive smile Olivia stole her eyes away from the collage of events she had been staring at for the past half hour, trying in vain to make sense of the Amaro case.

"I thought I'd lived through all the shades of hell this squad room had to offer..." heaving a heavy sigh Cragen took a perch beside Olivia and shook his head at the devastating pictures of Zara pinned up in front of them "... and then this happens."

"It's always worse when it's one of our own. It shouldn't be but it is."

"Where's your head at?" he asked, valuing her opinion immeasurably.

"I haven't had a chance to speak to either the victim or the grandparents yet..." it figured she would say that, he smiled, her gut always leading her first to the people and only afterward to the backgrounding and environment Munch prefered, "... but I can't see the physical and sexual abuse being connected."

"No?"

"The bruises, the broken collar bone, the sprained wrist last month. It's all haphazard, sloppy, it feels like tragic collateral damage from a bad situation at home."

"You like the grandparents for it?" he noted.

"I dunno, maybe. They've just lost their daughter to a war by Nick's own admission they didn't believe in the first place. Next thing they know they're in their seventies taking on a ten year old full time while their son in law goes totally off the rails..." tapping a pencil against her thigh Olivia rolled her tongue around her mouth, and her mind around her theory before voicing it, "... but I don't like the grandfather for the rest of it."

"Why?" pushed Cragen, testing her.

"Totally different MO. According to the rape kit Rollins faxed over there was no penetration. He held back. It's all so premeditated, controlled, almost clinical..." wincing and feeling her stomach roll with nausea Olivia added, "... like in his own sick way he was trying not to hurt her."

"Now there's a tragic irony if I ever heard one." Closing his eyes and looking every one of his fifty odd years Cragen took a moment before announcing, "We've got to be damn sure we've got cause to suspect the grandparents before we even think about moving forward on this one. Nick isn't exactly in great shape and they're the only family that little girl has besides him."

"So how do you want to do this? Do you want Fin and me to work on a potential perp profile? Let Munch and Stabler handle the grandparents and canvassing the neighbours?"

"How do you want to do it?" he asked, bouncing her question back at her like a ball she wasn't at all prepared to catch.

"I have no problem working with Detective Stabler if you think we'd work this faster with Fin and Munch free to..."

"How do _you_ think we'd work it faster?"

"I don't know." She answered, more because she hadn't thought about it than because she couldn't.

"Well go into my office and figure it out. I don't want you briefing your guys until you know _exactly_ what you want from them. You're not just on this case anymore Sergeant..." turning to her and throwing down the gauntlet Cragen declared, "... you're running it."

"No..."

"Is your health up to it?"

"Yeah, but..."

"I want you making Captain by Christmas and that isn't just going to come from passing exams on paper. You have to prove yourself to the commissioner and you have to prove to me that you can do my job."

"I don't want to do your job."

"Really?" he tested, seeing her battling her own conflicted interests.

"Fine, fine okay just let read through all this again and I'll be right there."

"I'll let the guys know." Nodded Cragen curtly, as Olivia gathered up the files scattered across her desk and headed for his office.

* * *

><p>"Everything okay?" asked Elliot, rolling up his shirt sleeves to the elbow and leaning against the doorframe of Cragen's office.<p>

"Yeah." Answered Olivia, knowing if she attempted anything other than a one syllable answer in reply he would see straight through her lie.

"Are _you_ okay?" tested Elliot, not needing more than one word anymore.

"I'm fine" had almost become code between them for her being anything but. "I'll be right there, just give me a minute."

"You want me to go?" he asked simply, waiting for a moment to genuinely give her the option of being alone to deal with whatever it was that held her face gripped in such twisted turmoil.

"No." She said with a calm detachment, making a determined effort for several moments to make as though they were just two detectives working a case together. "No..." she repeated, her voice breaking ever so slightly as she failed to deny all that he had become to her, all that he had perhaps always been to her, "... no I do not."

"Okay..." he nodded slowly, kicking at the door with the side of his foot and waiting for it to close behind them before crossing the room and pulling her into his arms, "... then I won't."

"Thank you..." she murmured burying her face in his shirt and, when he moved to pull away urging, "... no, no not yet."

"Sure."

"He trusted them, El. They're her freakin' grandparents so _of course_ he trusted them. How the hell was he supposed to see this coming? How is anyone? How can you protect your child from a danger you can't even..." unconsciously holding a hand against her stomach Olivia batted her eyelashes, staving off even the slightest hint of unwanted tears and breathed, "... so Cragen made me acting Captain for this one."

"Yeah?" he asked gently, turning the pendant of her necklace the right way around and stroking lightly at her neck with the back of his knuckles.

"You don't have to do this to yourself, Liv? You know that right? I'd happily back your play if you wanted to watch this one from the bench because I'm not even sure I'm comfortable with the idea of you back at work so soon after..."

"Do you think I can do it?" she asked, trusting his judgement above all others. Even her own.

"Yes, yes I absolutely do..." he replied honestly, "... so long as your body can handle it and it doesn't affect the baby. But the question is do you want to?"

"Yeah, yeah I think I..." hesitating for a moment she looked him dead in the eye and asked, "... but only if you'll do something for me?"

"Name it?"

"Promise that you won't wait for me to tell you that I need to stop..." she spoke calmly, deliberately, trustingly, "... promise me that no matter how much of a bitch I am to you, you'll drag me the hell out of here when _you_ know I need to stop."

"Okay."

"Yeah?" she tested, knowing just how much she was asking not only of him but of their relationship.

"Yes."

"Okay, okay then let's do this..." tugging her blouse down over her rounded stomach and holding Zara's case notes in front of it she gave her hair a determined shake clear of her shoulders and gathered herself, "... starting with letting Cragen know that if I have to play Captain then he has to play detective. He can go with Munch to Maria's sister's place in the Hamptons."

"Where do you want me, Cap?" he teased with a teasing but undoubtedly proud smile.

"Don't call me that..." she instructed with a dismissive eye roll, "... but grab Fin and head to the grandparents brown stone. I'll have Novak put a rush on the search warrant and call you when we're green lit."

"Where are you headed?" he asked, the question part professional need to know and part personal curiosity.

"To Mercy."

"To see Zara?"

"That..." said Olivia, her earlier doubt fading to the composed resilience that had gotten her this far, and would continue to sustain her against odds insurmountable to a weaker character, "... and to tell Rollins to get her shit together and her ass back to my squad room."

"Oh, wow."

"I won't have her playing cowboy and making this any harder for Zara. There's a line..." and it was one she had ignored so many times in her greener years on the job, "... and I think it's time she knew there are consequences to crossing it."

"Yes m'am." Grinned Elliot, unable to resist landing a mischievous slap on his new Captain's backside as she left to brief her squad.


	50. All I Need Is A Little More Of You

"I can keep my head."

"No you can't."

"You know what I don't get?" asked Amanda Rollins, hands resting lightly on her hips as she challenged her co-worker defiantly. "I've spent the last two years hearing stories about an Olivia who would break every rule in the goddamn book for her partner. An Olivia who saw beyond the case, beyond all the red tape bullshit, black and white, right and wrong..." sometimes Olivia felt as though she were seeing the world through the eyes of her ten years younger self when she spoke with Amanda Rollins, "... and who would do whatever it takes to help a friend. What the hell happened to her?"

"She grew up." Replied Olivia coolly, the air con catching a hair lifting chill on the back of her neck where her hair was now pinned in a casual clasp. Inside she may have been a bundle of hormones but she was determined that it not show in her appearance or demeanour.

"Oh great so that's where we're at now is it? You're gonna patronise me like one of the rat squad's little..."

"The bus terminal was packed out. It was rush hour and we'd lost control of the sting. Gitano was spooked and when I ran him down he pulled a knife."

"I heard about that case. What you and Stabler did was incredibly brave."

"No, no it was incredibly stupid..." said Olivia with a quiet, deliberate calm, "... and I know that now."

"I..."

"Stabler should _never_ have taken his eyes off that boy. If he hadn't he'd be a teenager now. I should've taken the shot..." hearing Elliot's own words coming back to her with haunting clarity Olivia truly felt what she was saying for the first time, "... I should've taken him out the second I had the chance because we had _no clue _how long we had to save that little girl. I put my partner's life before the victims and I was wrong for that."

"You were in love with him."

"I had no right to be..." stated Olivia unflinchingly, "... because it meant I could no longer do my job."

"Can you seriously look me in the eye and say that?" asked Rollins with hostile disbelief. "Are you honestly gonna stand there pregnant with his second child and try to sell me this crap?"

"You're off the case, Rollins."

"No!"

"That wasn't a suggestion..." replied Olivia with a husky command rushing in her tone, "... you _will_ recuse yourself or..."

"Or what? You'll make me?" challenged Rollins, shaking her head incredulously. "Who the hell do you think you are Olivia?"

"It's Sergeant Benson..." holding her ground, feet lightly parted and her shoulders square and head held high Olivia held her voice steady, "... and the person in charge of getting Zara Amaro justice is who the _hell_ I think I am Detective Rollins."

"You're a hypocrite."

"We're done here..." said Olivia, staring at Rollins with an impassioned, unblinking gaze, "... you can go now."

"Fine, fine I'm gone." Yelled Rollins, unable to hide the blind rage and indignation she felt as she turned on her heel and stalked across Cragen's office to seize the door handle as if it were a weapon.

"Rollins?"

"What?" came the snapped reply, as the incensed blonde stared white hot daggers at her new superior.

"Hand over anything you learned from Zara's school this morning to Fin before you leave."

"Fin?" asked Rollins, a little thrown despite her ire. "I thought Stabler was..."

"Detective Stabler transferred back to narcotics first thing this morning."

"I..." began Rollins, her mouth struggling to keep up with her racing mind, "... I thought..."

"How close would you come to influencing a line up if it helped Zara sleep at night? How far would you be prepared to push a potential suspect to get a confession? What are you going to tell her when she wants you to sleep over at her Dad's place so she feels safe and you know you can't because of a rule she will _never_ understand?"

"She..."

"How fast would you pull your weapon if you came face to face with the guy we liked for abusing the little girl who calls you Mandy?"

"It was your idea, wasn't it?" realised Rollins, regretting ever having doubted her co-workers integrity. "Having Stabler transferred back out?"

"I can't watch him feed my daughter toast soldiers on a morning and then watch some lunatic hold a gun to his head by lunch..." rounding her shoulders and shoving her hands into the pockets of her slacks Olivia softened her body language and relaxed her face to a warm smile, "... and I can handle you thinking I'm a bitch but not a hypocrite."

"I just feel so damn helpless."

"We'll find the bastard who hurt Zara..." warm brown eyes indomitable Olivia vowed, "... we will."

"You're really benching me?"

"You can either be the friend who keeps trying to help him get clean once and for all and reads his daughter bedtime stories at night or you can be a detective on this case..." delivering a this time much softer ultimatum Olivia added, "... but I can't let you be both."

"I'm owed some time..." removing her weapon from its holster on her belt Rollins lay it on Cragen's desk with a trembling hand, "... will you let the guys know I decided to take it?"

"Of course."

"And for the record? I don't think you're a bitch, Liv..." sighed Rollins, shaking her head wearily and flashing a fond smile of admiration and unreserved respect, "... you're a bad ass but not a bitch."

* * *

><p>"We got 'em."<p>

"The grandparents?" asked Warner, inclining a spot lamp onto the Petri disk she was holding up to the light and then lowering it to give Fin her full attention as he entered the lab. "What happened?"

"They confessed." Said Fin with a plain detachment from the profound implications of the situation. "They couldn't cope. The grief, the strain, the stress..." shaking his head bitterly he almost spat, "... pretty much every self pitying piece of bullshit in the book."

"You charge them?" asked Warner, laying her feet gently down on the eggshells layered over Fin's onion skin heart.

"Yup."

"I wish I could offer you some equally good news..." sighed Warner, removing her latex gloves and rubbing her forehead tiredly, "... but still no joy on anything you sent me this morning. This guy is a pro."

"The kid loses her mother in Iraq, her father to grief..." his eyes boring holes in the floor to prevent confessing just how badly the Amaro case was getting to him Fin swallowed, "... and then her grandparents beat the crap out of her for twelve months."

"Come here, come over here and look at this slide..." directed Warner, donning a fresh pair of gloves and knowing that though he was ever reluctant to let her to use words and dialogue to talk him down from the ledge he would often allow distraction, "... I'll hold it steady and then you tell me what you see."

"A tonne of swirly little sperm." Grinned Fin, flashing his teeth and feeling his spirits lift instantly as she rolled her eyes.

"They're not sperm..." she chuckled, with fond amusement and relief at seeing his smile return, "... they're..."

"Can you put anything under this thing?" asked Fin, lifting his eye from the rest and pulling a curious face. "Can I magnify my finger? Can I see the little hairs on my arms? What would happen if I put my..."

"You are four years old sometimes, you do realise that don't you Odafin?"

"Benson took Rollins off the case and sent Stabler back to the drugs squad..." he informed her, having become somewhat of a carrier pigeon for the sixteenth precinct's latest headlines on his increasingly frequent after work visits to the lab, "... she's a bigger ball buster than Cragen. I think the power is going to her hormonal head."

"If I thought you meant that..." rolling her eyes and shooting Fin a withering stare Warner locked a new specimen under the scope and gestured for Fin to take a look, "... this is the STD present in Zara's rape kit."

"Kid has an STD as well?" winced Fin, not sure how much more he could take that day. "Great, more good news."

"Sick as it sounds this actually might be good news..." mused Warner, as Fin peered down the microscope lens, "... if you can find me a specimen from a potential perp?"

"Why do those pink bits stay still but the blue and black ones keep swishing around in there?" asked Fin attentively, feeling Warner's body press up against his as she leant sideways in to the scope to see what he meant without the luxury of magnification.

"Which pink bits?" she asked, furrowing her brow and concentrating so hard she failed to notice his hand accidentally brush against hers on the lab bench.

"The little tadpole things you say aren't sperm that..." stepping blindly, tentatively, potentially recklessly into the unknown Fin held his hand steady, gently uncoiling his fingers from a fist and allowing them to stroke lightly at Warner's wrist, "... maybe they're more red than pink..."

"I couldn't be sure without taking another look down the scope but I think you might be seeing..." swallowing hard as Fin lifted his eyes from the lens and fixed them on her Melinda trailed off, his palm warm and grip firm as it slid from her wrist to her hand and his fingers danced around hers, "... well the medical term is..."

"Go on..." tested Fin, his words dripping languorously like black treacle sliding mesmerically from a teasing spoon, "... you got me hooked now, doc."

"I have?" she breathed, realising that with all the will in the world there was no way she could remember a single medical term so long as he was staring at her like that. Like a moth to a flame.

"I'm pretty sure if I could've had you as my lab partner in high school..." allowing his lips to slide to an impish grin Fin shrugged, "... then I might actually have shown up to science class."

"Weren't you just dropping by on your way to a poker game?" tested Warner, as Fin's head began to shake slowly from left to right.

"What poker game..." he murmured at a low growl, moving forward swiftly and sinking his lips onto hers before either one of them could start mentally listing reasons to run.

* * *

><p>"You gonna come join us?"<p>

"You gonna let me get through the door and take my coat off first?" replied Olivia with a desperate exhaustion as she arrived home to find Elliot, Eli and Eve sat around the breakfast bar making pasta pictures and eating from a generous bowl of grapes.

"I saved you some green twirls..." said Eli, scanning the cluttered counter before finding his precious bag of pasta and declaring proudly, "... they're my bestest colour and shape."

"I..." feeling her bottom lip tremble slightly Olivia bit down on it hard and used every muscle not numb from the day to force a smile, "... you know what Eli they are my favourite too. Thank you _so much_ for saving me some. I'm gonna come make a picture with you just as soon as I get changed.

"My mommy says you're a nice lady and I can be your friend..." looking from Eli to Elliot, catching his eyes and seeing her own tears reflected in them Olivia struggled to catch her breath, "... didn't she Daddy?"

"Yeah, yeah son she did..." nodded Elliot, quietly choked, "... come take a load off, babe. I'll make you a decaf with extra sugar?"

"Sure, sure I'll be right there..." strained Olivia, the words pinching at her throat as she staved off stinging tears and managed, "... just let me take a shower first."

"Mama?" came a little voice, slightly slurred by what Olivia assumed was a mouthful of grape as Eve's palm rapped curiously at the bathroom door. On the other side of it Olivia sat hunched against the bath, exhausted both physically and emotionally from the kind of day at the office most women in her condition could not have endured. She realised now how deeply she had had underestimated, on every possible level, the brutal toll going back to SVU would take let alone when the victim was the child of a close friend.

"I'm just busy right now, sweetheart..." forcing a breezy air of pleasantness into her tone Olivia urged, "... go play with Daddy and Eli and I'll be there soon."

"No..." said Eve, a child who even in infancy knew her own mind and had the courage to follow it, "... imma come see mama."

"Oh Evie..." melting the second her chubby, peach cheeked little doll barged around the bathroom door and presented herself belly first with her diaper crackling as she stomped Olivia raised a smile, "... hi there, hi baby girl, how are ya?"

"Ut-oh..." stricken at the sight of her mother's tear stained cheeks Eve stirred her ten toes to a little run, pit pattering across the bathroom and flinging herself against Olivia's chest, "... gotta boo boo?"

"No, no baby I..." feeling the unrivalled joy of having Eve's warm body hugged close into hers, and her warm clammy little palms grabbing at her possessively Olivia allowed instinct to take over, "... yeah, yeah mommy got a boo boo but I'm okay now."

"Oh." Said Eve, listening to her mother speaking words she understood and concepts she could wrap her little mind around and gaining reassurance from them. "What's-is?"

"That's my badge, see?" turning around the shield she had yet to remove from around her neck Olivia held it out for Eve. "It's what I have to wear when I go to work."

"Mine?" asked a hopeful Eve, flashing Olivia her baby blues as she wrapped her chubby fingers around the NYPD emblem.

"No, sorry, but you can't have it..." said Olivia with a soft but firm refusal, "... it's special and it's mommy's."

"Mine." Asserted Eve, dragging slightly at the shield's necklace chain and surprising Olivia with her strength as she leant forward on its pull.

"No Eve..." raising her voice just slightly and meeting her daughter's eyes Olivia spoke with a plain but unbending authority, "... no _not_ yours. You can't have it because it's mommy's, now please let go okay? Let go, please?"

"Kay..." swallowed Eve, hearing the modulation in her mother's tone and knowing she meant business.

"Thank you, baby..." drawing her lips to a warm, rewarding smile Olivia reached down and stroked Eve's rounded apple cheeks with her thumbs, "... there's my good girl."

"Mama..." mirroring Olivia's gesture Eve reached up her arms high over her head and landed her palms with a light splat on her cheeks, rubbing gently and proudly showing off the little white milk teeth sprouting from her gums, "... **mine**."

"Yes..." said Olivia with a gushing laugh as she scooped Eve up in her arms and squeezed her tightly, determined that despite all that she knew and all that she saw of the world's evil nothing would ever take the innocence from those bright baby blues, "... yes you're right on that one Evie Grace. You got me. I'm your mama."

"Issa bay-bee..." said Eve, as though Olivia might have forgotten the rounded swell of unborn child that sat wedged in the middle of their cuddles, "... issa bay-bee for E-vee?"

"It's a baby for all of us. For mommy and for your Daddy and for you too baby girl..." brushing her fingertips lightly through Eve's thin tufts of dark hair Olivia nodded, "... it's a new baby for all three of us."

"Issa bay-bee for E-vee..." and there they were again, little milk teeth and dimples displaying a depth of love for her mother almost too much for Eve's nineteen months to handle, "... mama mine."

"Oh boy..." sighed Elliot, peering around the doorframe and shaking his head with an adoring smile and chuckling trepidation, "... she is gonna have a _really_ hard time sharing you."

"I spent three hours walking Zara Amaro through hell and back all over again this afternoon..." confessed Olivia with a small voice, clinging tightly to Eve as the toddler sucked her thumb, buried her head in her chest and rubbed her mother's baby belly like it were a magic lantern, "... and it nearly killed me."

"You want me to call the kids? We could cancel the weekend and just keep things low key with Eli..." then, seeing how tired Olivia looked Elliot added concernedly, "... if you want I could even can Kath and have her..."

"No, no way, we're doing this thing. Coney Island, the junk food, the beach, all the things you and the kids do every year. We're not changing a thing."

"Liv this case is brutal and after the week you've had and the week you're _going_ to have the last thing you need is a weekend of family birthday chaos tiring you out."

"I'll have my cell on me the whole time. Fin and Munch are keeping the case live and Rollins is with Zara. On the ride home I might've agreed with you but now I think you're wrong..." patting Eve's diaper and reaching out for Elliot to give her a hand up she smiled wearily, "... a weekend of family birthday chaos is _exactly_ what I need."


	51. This Woman's Work

"Did you get your pony?"

"You know what, I did. He was the tallest, most handsome pony I ever saw and I loved him. I loved him when I was angry and when I was sad, when I was so mad at the world I couldn't talk to anyone else he would just stand there and listen to me. Sometimes I really needed someone to just stop asking me what was wrong all the time because I didn't know how to answer them. I didn't know how to make it so they understood."

"Sometimes I talk to the cat." Came the small voice lying beside Amanda Rollins, staring up at the stars from the Amaro's back yard.

"You had a cat at your grandparents place?" asked Rollins, focusing on Orion's belt and knowing Nick had no pets.

"No, they don't have a cat. He's so furry. He has big green eyes and he lets me pet him and snuggle him on my knee..." falling quiet for a moment, and finding it easier staring at the stars and knowing Amanda was staring at them too and not at her Zara confessed, "... and knows my secrets."

"Yeah?" said Rollins, afraid to push too hard and scare the already audibly terrified child away any further.

"Yeah."

"What's his name? This cat?" asked Rollins, feeling the grass shift slightly as Zara relaxed her taught body language and loosened up.

"His name is Basil."

"Basil?" smiled Rollins, curious. "That's a funny name for a cat."

"No it isn't."

"I just meant..."

"My mom used to cook with basil."

"What did she used to cook you?"

"Pasta."

"It's okay to miss your mom Zara..." turning her head slowly Rollins eyes were wide and giving, lightly misted with emotion as she murmured, "... it's okay to feel upset about all the bad things that have happened."

"Mandy?" pausing for a reply Zara waited patiently for Rollins to speak.

"What is it honey?"

"If I tell, will my Daddy stop being so sad?" feeling her heart cracking, shattering and breaking inside her chest to see the exquisite agony in the little girl's face as she stared at her in the hope of honesty Rollins slowly began to shake her head. "If I tell Fin and Olivia what they want me to tell them will he be like he was before my mum died again? Will it fix him?"

"No." Said Amanda, physically unable to lie despite everything in her professional mind knowing she could utilise the moment to her advantage without technically having to. "No, honey, it won't. You can tell any one of us _anything _you want to but I can't make you that promise. Your Dad is going through a really rough time right now, just like you are, and he is really, really sad. He wants to help you, he wants to help you _so badly_ Zara..." holding her breath just long enough to stop her lip from quivering Rollins exhaled, "... but him being so sad has _nothing_ to do with the person who has been hurting you or what happened at your grandparents."

"It doesn't?" asked Zara, barely audibly.

"It is **not** your fault, Zara. None of this is your fault. None of it, okay?"

"Mandy?" it was as if her voice was getting smaller, as if the world were swallowing whole the sad little eyes staring across at an increasingly disillusioned Detective Rollins.

"Yeah?"

"I don't want to stay here..." feeling cold fingers slide into her palm and grip tight Rollins felt a shiver coarse her spine as Zara asked, "... can I come home with you?"

"Zara, honey, you're dad..."

"Please?" hearing a hiccoughing choke punctuate Zara's request Rollins swallowed hard against her own tears as the child asked again. "Please take me with you? Please?"

"I can't..." hauling herself up from the grass and shaking her thin blonde hair with devastation Rollins whispered huskily, "... I'm sorry honey but I..."

"I don't want to watch the stars anymore!" declared Zara, holding herself together long enough to make it back through the patio doors before scattering sobs up every step to her bedroom and leaving Rollins broken hearted in her wake.

"What the hell did you say to her?" asked Nick, shaking his head in confused bewilderment as he wandered out into the yard, recently woken from a long nap.

"I can't do this anymore Nick."

"What?" he asked, now fully aware of his surroundings and of the tears in her eyes.

"I don't even know what I'm doing here."

"You came to see Zara."

"I shouldn't have."

"I don't understand."

"I know you don't..." swallowed Amanda, closing her eyes and realising the truth depths she had sunk to and knowing this was the moment in which she found the strength to start climbing her way back up, "... I know you don't."

"I thought you wanted to help her."

"I do."

"Then..."

"I want to help both of you but being here isn't helping anyone. I'm confusing Zara, enabling your dependence and..."

"Enabling my dependence?" scoffed Nick, shaking his dark eyes with a brooding distain. "What did you swallow a psyche textbook or something? You been hanging out with Huang too much lately?"

"Zara asked me to take her home with me tonight, Nick." Rounding her shoulders and shrugging heavily Rollins sighed, "What the _hell_ are we doing? The last thing she needs right now is another person with one foot in her life and the other halfway out the door."

"So what? You're just gonna leave her? You make her trust you and then you just go? You let her get used to you being here and learn to need you and then just like that you're gone?"

"Nick..." shaken by the strange intimacy of his words Amanda shook her head slowly, afraid of what he might say next.

"Do you have any idea what it took for her to love you after everything she's lost?"

"I..."

"Just go, go, get out and leave us alone..." He commanded, eyes once filled with tears of grief now welling with a darker emotion. A passionate, intensity, a brooding cocktail of desire and familiarity as background became foreground and Nick Amaro realised that he could not remember a time Amanda Rollins was not a part of his shattered world.

* * *

><p>"No, no sweetie you're other left..." instructed Olivia, gently teasing Eli's leg through the opposite leg of his jeans, "... there you go, good boy."<p>

"You look like Princess Jasmine..." daydreaming in his own little world Eli was far from task focused as he traced Olivia's high cheekbones with his fingertips, "... can I be Abu? He's my favourite."

"Right leg now sweetheart, let's get a move on..." she coaxed with a little more urgency and a eye rolling smile over her shoulder at Elliot, "... or it'll be dark by the time we get there."

"No!" came the theatrical declaration as Eve emerged from her bedroom fully suited up in her little red t-bar shoes and toting Eli's giant Toy Story backpack. "**My** mama!" with almost frenzied panic the little girl ran directly into Olivia, throwing her off balance in her crouched position and hung around her neck like a clinging monkey, "Mama _mine_ Li-Li!"

"It's E-li..." protested her half sibling, growing tired off correcting her and ever closer to just accepting his moniker fate.

"No!" protested Eve again, pushing Eli away with a firmly outstretched hand as he attempted to push his foot into the jean leg Olivia held out for him.

"Oh no, no, no, no Mouse..." intervening with a determined, authoritative voice Elliot moved quickly across the room and seized Eve swiftly with two hands scooped under her arms, "... this stops _right now_ little lady."

"Daddy no!" kicking her legs and squealing in frustration Eve wriggled determinedly as Olivia watched curiously to see this scene play out. She admired many qualities in Elliot, but from his parenting skills especially she knew she could learn a lot.

"Can you sit down and listen to me like a big girl, please Eve?"

"E-vee?" her father rarely addressed her by her given name, and anything short of Mouse or Evie surely spelled trouble.

"No, no you don't get to cute your way out of this Evie Grace so you can stop that lip right now."

"Uh-oh."

"Yeah, yeah uh-oh is right. Evie, baby, who is your daddy?"

"You..." extending a sausage like finger she wiggled it at Elliot, holding her ice blue eyes steady on his clearly very serious face, "... you."

"That's right. I am your daddy. Do you know who Eli's daddy is?"

"No."

"That's me too, Evie. I'm his Dad as well. You are very, _very_ special to me Mouse..." holding her pinned against his chest Elliot looked across at where Eli and Olivia were equally rapt by the conversation, "... but so is Eli."

"S'_my_ mama..." ventured Eve hopefully, not having been given any real reason why she ought not stake her claim there, "... s'my mama."

"Yes, yes that's your mom but she's also gonna be the new baby's mom too."

"Li-li's momma?" finally, shone the bright eyed realisation in Eve. She understood. At least she thought she did.

"Well..."

"Should we just call Huang now or..." groaned Olivia, shaking her head and dropping her face into her hands defeated.

"Mouse, you see this backpack?"

"My backpack."

"No, no that's Eli's backpack. See his name right here?" pointing to the sharpie letters on the strap Elliot tried a different approach. "It's his. Not yours. But because he loves you he's gonna let you wear it because he knows you like it and it's a kind thing to do. Being a big kid means you gotta start thinking about sharing your stuff. So if Eli lets you wear his backpack sometimes..." wondering just how much of this Eve's little mind was able to wrap itself around Elliot ventured hopefully, "... do you think you could share your mom with other kids sometimes too, like a big girl?"

"Mama." Said Eve, staring over at Olivia with all consuming, unconditional love and marking her territory just one more time before turning a blind eye and distracting herself with Elliot's shirt collar.

"There's my big girl..." sighed Elliot with relief. He realised it was going to take time, and he was far from naive of that fact. Eve had been born to a first time mother with more love and affection to give than anyone he had ever known, and for the first few months it had been just the two of them. Now her little heart was being asked to share her mama not only with him, but with an entire family of half siblings and a future brother or sister she had not bargained for. Knowing exactly what it was to have your entire world revolve around Olivia Benson, he was empathetic to her needing a gradual process and a little patience.

"Kathleen..." interrupting his daydream Olivia held up his cell, having read his message without even pausing to realise whose phone she was holding, "... they'll be with us in ten."

"Awesome." Nodded Elliot, setting Eve back down on the carpet to hunt for his jacket.

"Do we have everything?" asked Olivia, scanning the room as she scraped her misshapen crop of hair into a tiny ponytail. Having cut it short while pregnant with Evie she since couldn't remember the last time she had time to give it any kind of attention past a quick trim of side bangs. In truth, standing in well fitting but painfully old blue maternity jeans and a simple t-shirt she couldn't remember the last time she had time to give her everyday appearance any attention at all.

"Livia can I sit with Evie in the car?" came the voice of a small boy as he tugged on her pant leg and stared up at her with Kathy Stabler's meek little smile. Clearly Eve's earlier tantrum had done nothing to dent Eli's fondness for her.

"Of course you can, sweetie..." wincing slightly as Eli held his hand out to Eve, who stared at him as though to silently question what on earth he was doing, Olivia held her breath, "... can't he baby girl? Eli can sit beside you in Daddy's car, right?"

"Okay..." said Eve with a slight hesitation, her turquoise eyes popping as they danced between the boy who had made his way into her life and the tone in her mother's voice that urged her to embrace his presence there, "... imma good girl?"

"You're a _very _good girl, baby." Beamed Olivia, ruffling Eve's hair as the little girl reached out a chubby hand of friendship and shoved it into Eli's waiting palm.

"Come on Evie, you can share my snacks." Announced Eli, as they wandered dawdlingly toward the door and Elliot and Olivia shared a poignant glance.

"Imma like na-nas." Volunteered Eve, extending an olive branch in her new found spirit of sharing and itching her diaper with no grace at all. Then, countering it with an eyelash batting simper that could've won her a sash title she flashed her half brother her mother's heart melting smile.

"Bananas are my favourite too."

"There's hope for the little madam yet." Flashing Elliot a wry smile Olivia grabbed a collection of essentials for the road and handing them to him to put in his backpack.

"She just realised some very important things."

"She did?" asked Olivia, unconvinced Eve had made it past the offer of banana.

"She just realised she's never gonna get picked on by the older kids, she's gonna get invited to boy/girl parties and if anyone there ever breaks her heart he's gonna get his ass kicked..."

"Yeah, _yeah_ he is." Shot back Olivia between heartbeats.

"Okay, then he's gonna get his ass kicked twice..." smirked Elliot, adoring Olivia's fire, "... she just realised she has a big brother."

"She has a family." Were the poignant words that made Elliot's world pause on his axis for a moment. Suddenly Olivia was Eve, a little girl again but so terribly lost. Where Eve was bright eyed and infuriatingly opinionated he saw Olivia's lonely, broken pain and it hurt him more deeply than he could stand. Whatever life threw at Eve she would never be on her own, and the comfort that brought Olivia was palpable.

"You driving or am I?" he asked, knowing what she needed from him right then was a rapid distraction.

"You are..." tossing him the car keys without pausing for a reaction Olivia gathered up the diaper bag and her own purse and declared, "... right kids, let's roll."

* * *

><p>"I wish I could say I had good news."<p>

"No match on the DNA?" sighed Fin, pushing back his chair from Munch's desk where he had perched for just a few moments several hours before.

"I mean it's very possible we're following a red herring on the STD. That could be circumstantial but, if it isn't, then whoever's sample you sent me isn't our guy."

"Well thanks for..." twisting one thumb around the other and avoiding her eyes Fin found his words stalling, as his pulse quickened and his body temperature rose to an uncomfortable flush, "... so the other night."

"You left in kind of a hurry." Noted Warner with a calm tolerance of his quite disarming behaviour after their kiss at the lab a few days earlier. "In fact I'd probably go as far as to say you couldn't have gotten out of their fast enough."

"You pretty much told me to leave."

"I did not."

"You did so."

"I'm not going to argue with you like we're pre-schoolers Fin..." her pretty face was deceptive of wounds that cut deeper than anyone would have ever been able to imagine as she threw up defensive walls and took a physical step away from him, "... so let's just call this a lesson learned."

"I kissed you. You kissed me. We both freaked out. This isn't complicated Melinda..." he shrugged, a spade never more a spade than in Odafin Tutuola's presence, "... it isn't rocket science."

"I just got out of a long marriage, Fin. I have a child. It might not be rocket science but it isn't as simple as you might think either so..."

"You're marriage was over years ago and your child is older than Ken so how about you just have the balls to tell me you're just not interested..." twisting his face with a broken bitterness he attempted in vain to conceal Fin shrugged, attempting indifference, "... and we'll forget the other night ever happened."

"I really like you."

"What?" he asked, not able to believe either her candour or sentiment.

"I mean obviously there was always an attraction. We flirted, we were a pain in each others asses and there was always this awkward possibility that neither one of us was willing to acknowledge. I showed you my ugly baby toe. You used my shampoo. I watched you watching Eve and I saw how much you adore that little girl and it changed things. It changed everything. We weren't just trading insults over lab results and flirting inappropriately over dead bodies..."

"Shit got real." Said Fin, offering a bitingly accurate summary of events.

"I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't want it. It isn't practical."

"No."

"It's distracting and inconvenient and the biggest risk I've taken in a long time."

"What are you saying Warner?" asked Fin, not understanding the words but simply listening to the fear in her eyes.

"I like certainties."

"Okay."

"If I'd wanted vague, touchy feely grey areas I would've gone into psychiatry not forensics."

"So what you're saying is you're chicken?" asked Fin, flashing her a teasing grin.

"If this is you giving me a reason to do this crazy thing then..."

"Were you looking for one?" he tested, rising slowly from his chair and tilting his head with a suggestive inquisitiveness.

"No." She lied.

"Because I'm not gonna talk you into anything. I'm not gonna tell you what you should or shouldn't do. You're your own person. You do whatever the hell it is you want."

"I want you..." she heard herself say, the words tripping from her tongue in an uncharacteristically unfettered moment of vulnerability in the middle of the 16th precinct, "... oh my God I'm officially ridiculous..."

"You're not ridiculous..." grinned Fin, wandering over to her and reaching for her hands, "... you're a little kooky, sure, but I kinda dig it."

"Yeah?" she tested, realising that there was little point in attempting to deceive herself and even less in attempting to fool him. She had fallen hard, and denial was futile.

"What if we don't tell anyone?" shrugged Fin, his rough hands warm as they held hers. "What if this is just our thing for a while?"

"I think that would help." She managed quietly.

"Cool."

"Cool..." she nodded, then adding carefully, "... but you should know I'm not like her."

"Who?"

"Benson."

"What's she got to do with anything?"

"Everything."

"Mel..."

"I'm not some brooding, tortured, doe eyed, gun toting doll you can play Tarzan and Jane with. I'm not in her league. I'm very plain, I'm vanilla. I like baking and British period dramas that are historically accurate. I run in the park to Springsteen and I think bubble baths are a waste of time."

"You're not plain."

"I've been the geek as long as I can remember. I was the kid whose homework you copied not the one you took to prom and what's more I didn't care. I didn't want to wear a dress anyway. I am completely comfortable with who I am and the hand I've been dealt in life and..."

"You're not vanilla..." repeated Fin, dropping her hands and grabbing roughly at her waist, dragging her close enough to land an uneven kiss on her still talking mouth, "... you're a lady."

* * *

><p>"So Dad is officially past it..." teased Lizzie Stabler, squinting against the late afternoon sun and flashing a challenging smile, "... how about you Olivia?"<p>

"Hey, hey come on! In my defence there was _definitely_ something up with this gun..." defended Elliot, examining the fairground play gun scrupulously, "... it locked when I took aim and..."

"Excuses, excuses!" laughed Dickie, slapping his father on the shoulder and rolling his eyes before taking a gulp from his soda bottle.

"Again, again!" chimed in Eve, waving her arms furiously and willing Elliot to make some more loud banging noises. Everything had been exciting since the moment they had gotten out of the car that morning, and she had no intention of allowing a change in pace.

"Okay, okay angel we're gonna play again..." hushed Kathleen, whose hip the over stimulated toddler had been propped on most of the day, "... your mom's up next, aren't you Olivia?"

"Oh I don't think..."

"You chicken?" challenged Dickie, knowing her just well enough to be able to gauge the right button to push.

"Hand me that..." instructed Olivia, smoothing her t-shirt over her stomach and squaring her shoulders to the multicoloured targets on the stall wall in front of her, "... so I'm aiming for the blue ones first, right?"

"No one hits the blues..." always a keen follower of rules and instructions Lizzie re-read the painted guidelines behind the stall holder and informed, "... but the red and green ones win small prizes and the black ones get you a piece of candy."

"She adores you Katie..." smiled Elliot, stroking lightly at Eve's calf and speaking quietly to his once wayward daughter, "... you know that, right?"

"The feeling is mutual." Replied Kathleen, shifting Eve a little further up her hip and genuinely finding herself able to forget how she came to have a half sibling, only that she wouldn't be without her now she did.

"Jeez Olivia!" whooped Dickie, circling his first in air pumps as Olivia fired through two red and three blue targets much to the stall holders horror.

"You military?" asked the disgruntled face as he took back the gun and begrudgingly acknowledged Olivia victorious at his game.

"Wow, you've got some serious skills..." grinned Dickie, turning to his father and declaring, "... sorry dad, but you just got schooled by a pregnant chick!"

"Dickie you can't call her a..."

"He's fine..." laughed Olivia casually, feeling more relaxed than she had in a long time and knowing there were far names Dickie could call her given their recent history, "... okay kids, pick a prize?"

"Eli? Evie? You pick..." offered Lizzie, as Kathleen wandered closer to the stall with Eve to get a closer look at their soft toy options, "... which one do you want?"

"Mooooooo!" came the comical sound from Eve, as she pointed at the pink elephant and made repeated cow noises.

"I want the tiger."

"Mooooo!"

"I like the monkey too, he's funny..." pondered Eli, sensing he would need to compromise with his vivacious little half sister, "... can we pick this one Evie?"

"Ooh-ooh, aah-aah!"

"Wow, you really know your animal sounds kid!" laughed Kathleen, jostling Eve amusedly and realising she was not only blessed with her mother's looks but with a sharp mind too.

"You haven't lost your touch, sergeant..." breathed Elliot, his words hot on Olivia's neck as he hugged his body into hers from behind and encircled her rounded waistline with a strong armed grip, "... that was pretty impressive."

"I owned your ass..." she murmured, turning her head and feeling her skin flush as his lips landed warm against her jaw line, "... that's for sure."

"Hey, hey come here..." wheedled Elliot softly, attempting to twist her around and steal a proper kiss.

"Not in front of your kids..." she insisted, patting his stomach with a loving rejection and pushing him away.

"Yes m'am." He nodded, loving her all the more for the forethought.

* * *

><p>"Hey."<p>

"Kathleen, hey..." smiled Olivia, the wind tickling her face with wisps of grown out bangs as she looked up at Elliot's daughter from her seat on a washed up piece of driftwood, "... you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm great..." replied Kathleen, digging her toes in and out of the sand and dragging a cardigan around her shoulders as the evening chill began to set in, "... and you can call me Katie, you know. Most everyone else does."

"Sure, sure, Katie it is." Nodded Olivia, stroking with preoccupied repetition at Eve's back as the exhausted toddler lay across her lap fast asleep.

"You know you looked a million miles away just now..."

"I think I might have been." Confessed Olivia with a quiet laugh, not even really sure herself where she had allowed her mind to wander.

"There's some pretty intense cake cutting action happening over there..." gesturing to their picnic spot a few feet away where Lizzie, Dickie and Eli were helping Elliot slice up his birthday sponge Kathleen laughed fondly, "... but I thought I'd leave those guys to it."

"You really doing okay?" asked Olivia, reaching for Eve's blanket and tucking it around her daughter's sleeping form.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine..." nodded Kathleen, leaning forward and stroking the back of Eve's lightly clutched little fist lovingly, "... she's perfect, isn't she?"

"No."

"What?" came the thrown response from Kathleen as she choked an awkward laugh. "Look I know you're kind of new at this mom gig and all, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to say that."

"No one is perfect." Said Olivia, unchanged in her feeling.

"I guess so."

"I know so." Smiled Olivia with an accepting, unwavering calm, "Evie will be smart and strong and awesome..." there was a strange, almost mystic feeling in the air as Olivia mused, "... but she won't ever be perfect: and I won't ever hold her to being. She'll make mistakes, she'll screw up and do dumbass stuff she probably shouldn't have and then suffer the consequences. That's life. No one ever helped anyone by expecting perfection."

"I'm in a mess." Confessed Kathleen, feeling a sudden freedom fill her lungs allowing her to breathe more easily.

"With whoever it is you've been texting all day?" asked Olivia with a relaxed but genuine concern.

"Dickie was right..." noted Kathleen with a wry smile, "... you _do_ have serious skills."

"You're really not fine at all..." reaching out and laying her hand on Kathleen's arm Olivia spoke softly, "... are you sweetheart?"

"How does this work?" asked Kathleen cautiously, knowing they were charting new territory and feeling unsure of the boundaries that defined their relationship. "If I tell you?"

"How do you mean?"

"I don't talk to my mom about this stuff. I don't talk to my mom at all really. Maureen's her golden girl, she always has been. Lizzie is a real people pleaser so she does it because she knows mom needs to feel like they're closer than they are. I love my mom but..."

"Don't put me between you and her." Said Olivia, knowing she had to speak before she lost her nerve.

"Okay."

"I want you to be able to trust me and talk to me about whatever you want but I can't get between you and Kathy and I _won't_ get between you and your dad. We need to be very clear about that.." realising that perhaps this was easier than she might have initially feared, and that without the awkward step family politics she was in fact in her everyday comfort zone of providing a judgement free shoulder, "... but so long as we are? Hit me."

"You ever let a guy tie you up?"

"No..." a little thrown but expert at not showing it Olivia continued steadily, "... but I know a lot of people who have."

"Right."

"I don't judge it either; if it's consensual then to each his own I guess. It's just not my thing."

"Turns out... " realising she had been holding her breath Kathleen let out a raspy hiccough, "... it isn't mine either."

"Did he hurt you?" asked Olivia, knowing she needed the answer to that if nothing else.

"No, no not really..." lied Kathleen, swallowing hard, "... but I sure as hell don't ever want to see him again."

"Then you don't ever have to."

"I just feel so..." turning away and holding her eyes closed a moment Kathleen winced, "... cheap."

"Sweetie..."

"I feel dirty and cheap and I only did it because I was scared he'd dump me if I didn't and I _hate_ that I was that girl..."

"We've all been that girl, Katie." Said Olivia with a heavily loaded sigh.

"Yeah?" came the curious response, as Kathleen found herself fascinated by the woman she had once seen as simply a beautiful enigma. Once the distant, formidable figure she had respected as her father's partner and then felt betrayed by as his lover was now a whole person. A fleshed out character, and one to whom she felt intrinsically drawn.

"Yeah."

"Okay so this is the part where you share something crappy you did to make me feel better..." smiled Kathleen, watching Olivia curl into her familiar tortoise shell, "... that's how this sharing thing works."

"You want to know a crappy thing I did, huh?" tested Olivia, as if pushing lightly against the strength of this fledgling connection they were fostering and testing it's resilience to brutal honesty and harsh reality.

"We're bonding." Smirked Kathleen, a little tongue in cheek but nonetheless sincere.

"I fell in love." Replied Olivia, trusting in her young confidant's ability to handle her truth.

"I tell you I let a guy tie me up and beat the crap out of me with a riding crop and _that's_ all you got?" came the disappointed scoff in reply.

"You did _not_ mention the riding crop." Noted Olivia, slanting her right brow upward and shooting Kathleen a protective scowl at the disclosure.

"So what was so crappy about you falling in love?" asked Kathleen, dodging the conversation taking a different direction by persisting in her own line of questioning. "Was the guy secretly an assassin or something? Did you fall for a bounty hunter?"

"No, no he was a husband..." replied Olivia with a calm, composed delivery betrayed only by the fear in her chocolate eyes as she settled them on Kathleen and added quietly, "... I fell for someone else's husband."

"Oh, I..."

"I fell in love with someone I had no right to. Someone who had a wife who didn't deserve the betrayal and a family who didn't deserve to be broken apart. I'm not proud of it but I don't deny it either. I did a crappy thing and people got hurt. I hate that I'm the other woman."

"Wow."

"Like I said, we've all been that girl at some time or other..." sighing heavily Olivia waited for her stomach to rotate on itself and confessed softly, "...and it sure as hell isn't the start I would've wanted for Evie. Heaven help the poor kid if she turns out like me."

"You're not the other woman Olivia."

"Katie you don't have to..."

"You never were." Said Kathleen with a steady determination that spoke volumes of just how long she had felt this way, and how they were able to reach this profound depth of conversation after seemingly so little time. "From the moment my Dad first came home from work saying he had a new partner..." shrugging as though it were simply written in the runes the young woman smiled acceptingly, "... you were the _only_ woman. I know that now."

"I shouldn't have started this conversation with you I'm sorry..."

"Do you know how many birthday trips to Coney Island we had to grin and bear when my mom and dad were pretending to be happy?" asked Kathleen, undaunted in her boldness. "Because I do and I remember them all. Every single one. Every awkward smile in every staged photograph, every forced laugh and hard work conversation. See this?"

"I wish I didn't..." cringed Olivia, glancing at Kathleen's cell phone photo truly horrified by the sight of her digging with Elliot and the little ones in the sand and realising she would never see her single girl figure again, "... remind me not to turn sideways ever."

"I hate that my mom got hurt in all this but I can't remember the last time dad laughed like he has today. I'm not gonna lie and say I'm not sad that my parents have gotten a divorce or that Eli won't get the same childhood we all did..." brushing a curtain of blonde hair back from her face and tucking it behind her ear Kathleen smiled with unusual coy and added, "...but don't ever think that your crappy thing wasn't the best thing that could've ever happened to my dad."

"Do two things for me?" asked Olivia after a few moments of brooding quiet sat between the pair.

"Sure?" breezed Kathleen with a shrug.

"Keep hanging out with Evie..." said Olivia, her eyes locked with warm admiration on Elliot's middle daughter, "... she hangs off your every word and I'm _all for_ that."

"Well that's an easy one..." smiled Kathleen warmly, "... what's the second thing?"

"I take back what I said earlier..." confessed Olivia, realising on the first of many occasions where the line between police officer and mom would blur, "... the next guy who tries to tie you up and beat you like an animal will get his ass handed to him."

"Usually when people say that it's an empty threat but with you I actually think..."

"Don't ever let a guy treat you like a piece of meat Katie?" asked Olivia, unable to restrain the surging maternal hormones imploring her to defend Elliot's child as though she were her own. "Promise me?"

"Okay, okay I won't I swear."

"Okay, then."

"And for what it's worth I don't think you need to worry too much about Evie..." flashing a grin and then softening the sides of her mouth to a kind smile Kathleen shrugged, "... she's already turning out like you and it seems to be working out pretty good for her so far."


	52. Midnight Road To The Devil's Door

"You could drive an eighteen wheeler clear through the middle of these medical records..." mused Olivia, drumming her desk with her fingertips and narrowing her eyes at the wad of documents laid out before her, "... it makes no sense."

"How'd you mean?" asked Fin, opening a can of soda and scooting his chair across to join her.

"February 9thth through March 2nd there are three entries at the same hospital and then nothing for months and until we hit mid October and she's checked into the ER at a different hospital twice in a three week period. Did the grandparents just hold back in the mean time? Were there no injuries or Zara just hide them better?"

"That _is_ funky."

"What's even more off is that it happened the same way the previous year. Different months but the same pattern..." shaking her hand and pinching at tired eyes Olivia sighed, "... when have we ever known abusers to take recess breaks?"

"What was happening or not happening in between?" asked Munch, pin pointing the exact question they all realised they needed to be asking. "What makes those months different from the others?"

"Well Zara is sure as hell not gonna tell us..." said Olivia, experienced enough to know when a child was far from ready to aid a quest for justice on her own behalf, "... she's clammed up tight as a drum. If she won't talk for Rollins then we don't stand a chance. We need more before we can go to her again."

"I don't see the grandparents as abusers. It's like they just couldn't cope."

"That doesn't mean they're not abusers..." noted Olivia, but she understood Fin's point.

"I'm not naive, Liv. I know cute old people can be mean as hell but not those two. It's like they just got caught in the crossfire. Like they didn't know how to handle it all and they lashed out..." then, saying that which he could only verbalise in front of his two most trusted colleagues Fin shrugged, "... maybe because Zara pushed them to it?"

"If that's true then why?" replied Olivia quickly, forcing a gut reply from her detectives.

"A cry for help." Said Munch without pausing for thought.

"Now we're getting somewhere..." nodding slowly Olivia re-examined the papers in front of her while tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. Sliding forward in her chair and crosschecking dates and locations worked quietly for several minutes as Fin and Munch bandied about their own theories.

"Did I just see a light bulb there Sergeant?" smiled Fin, able to read Olivia with remarkable ease.

"They're tour dates."

"Britney's latest comeback I hope?" quipped Munch with a wicked smile.

"Liv?" asked Fin, sensing they were on the brink of their first real break since this truly gruelling case had opened.

"All these dates, all the blocks of time where Zara was being admitted to hospital with cuts, bruises and breaks..." unable to believe she hadn't spotted the pattern sooner Olivia sat back in her chair and exhaled, "... they all fall during Maria's tours overseas."

"While mom's away..." sighed Fin grimly.

"We need to talk to the grandparents again."

"We can do that..." volunteered Munch, gathering himself up from his seat and tilting his head in Fin's direction, "... can't we partner?"

"Sure..." nodded Fin, wandering around the back of Benson's chair and giving her shoulder's a massaging squeeze, "...on one condition, cap?"

"What have I told you about calling me that?" warned Olivia, relaxing slightly as his fingers worked knots from her back.

"Call Stabler... " pushed Fin, his shifted role now not as her shoulder to lean on but as the one who forced her to admit limitation and call the man who was, "... have him pick you up early tonight."

"I'm fine."

"I don't care."

"See you tomorrow Odafin..." smiled Olivia, thanking him with her eyes as Fin gave her shoulder's one final squeeze and followed Munch to the elevator, "... call me later to debrief?"

"You got it, cheekbones."

* * *

><p>"Are you really ready for this?"<p>

"Yes."

"Okay then..." nodded Olivia, wearing the same dark circles that had stubbornly defied exhaustion the day before, but sporting a change of blouse and a renewed determination.

"I'm more help to Zara here than I am at Nick's place. I can't do anything more for him. I'm done. I crossed a line. I went someplace I shouldn't have. I don't know at what point I lost my head but..." swallowing hard against the knotted ball of emotion in her stomach Rollins remembered her vow to move forward and put her unrequited feelings for Nick Amaro behind her once and for all, "... well it won't happen again Olivia. You have my word."

"We have a lead."

"Yeah?" intensely relieved at the ease with which Benson allowed her respite Amanda flashed a dogged smile. "What's going on?"

"Fin and Munch went to speak with the grandparents last night and we think we've found a pattern in Zara's hospital visits."

"Great, that's good, that's..."

"I have a contact up at Fort Drum. She has a kid about Zara's age and when I told her about Maria's parents arrest and Zara's situation she said she'd be willing to sit down with us. She sounds like she has something she wants to get off her chest."

"You want me down there?" asked Amanda, her hands in her jeans pockets and her shoulders hunched forward with hopeful deference.

"Fin is gonna pick you up around noon..." nodded Olivia steadily, knowing for the first time what it was not only to be a key player in an operation, but to orchestrate it, "... that okay with you?"

"Sure, sure I'm good..." moving beyond her own awkward discomfort for a moment Amanda saw past the badge and weapon and watched Benson wince as she reached forward for a pen, "... you okay?"

"Fine." Replied Olivia sharply.

"I hear we'll soon be calling you Lieutenant Benson..." though Rollins' smile was warm and the moment tender between the two women Olivia rolled her eyes with a dismissive rebuff.

"Not likely."

"I..."

"You should skim through these before you head to the post..." instructed Olivia, shifting in her seat in an attempt to subtly find a more comfortable position, "... in case we've missed something."

"Liv are you sure you're okay?" it was though, just for a moment, the two women found a common ground. A shared vulnerability glimmered in the air between them and they mutually acknowledged that in order to survive, they had both had to admit weakness. The kindling, however, was not strong enough to sustain any lasting flame of friendship and Olivia soon closed down the conversation and the chink in her armour.

"Nothing a new bed wouldn't fix..." not unkind, but not overly giving of herself Olivia held her back and flashed a guarded smile, "... call me tonight when you've talked to Colonel Jasper?"

"Yes m'am."

* * *

><p>"We always planned to have a sibling for Zara. After I got out of narcotics, after the next tour, when we pull out of Iraq, when they put a man on mars. Always tomorrow. There was just never a right time and so we waited. We waited and then she was gone. I guess what I know now..." sighing with all the weight of the world Nick shrugged, "... is that there never is a right time. There's no such thing."<p>

"I hear that." Laughed Elliot, as the two man sat with their legs stretched out and an air of the relaxed about as they watched their daughters play.

"How is Liv?" asked Nick, his face warming at the mention of her name.

"Exhausted, pushing herself too hard but insisting she's fine."

"Nothing new there then." Laughed Nick, watching how good Zara was with Eve and how despite the impressive age gap between the two of them they played so well together in the playground a few feet away.

"No, no but seriously she's great, she's good."

"I've been thinking a lot lately..." though it was true of everything, with a distant look in his eyes Nick added, "... about SVU."

"You think you're ready to start thinking about coming back?" asked Elliot, terrified Nick might answer to the affirmative and already mentally preparing to support Sergeant Benson through the fall out.

"No..." said Nick, surprising his friend, "... no actually just the opposite."

"Yeah?"

"The more time passes the more I'm not sure I will _ever_ be ready to go back."

"Wow, that's..."

"I gotta stay clean. I gotta pay back all the time i've taken from Zara and given to pills and the badge. I look back at photos of her when she was tiny and I'm not in enough of them. I see Maria between tours, I see her grandparents, her aunts and cousins. I was at work. For all of it. One minute she's that age..." gesturing across the playground to where Zara was pushing Eve on a swing Nick sighed, "... and the next I don't even know her anymore."

"Kids grow up too fast." Sighed Elliot, wondering how many family photos he appeared in over the years and suspecting it wasn't as many as it ought to have been.

"I had no clue what she was going through Stabler."

"Nick no one could've seen that coming..." shaking his head with grim reassurance Elliot avowed, "... no one."

"But I wasn't even _looking_..." shrugging his shoulders and feeling his eyes sting lightly Nick looked away and swallowed the refrain, "... I wasn't even fucking looking."

"Daddy imma star! Imma star!" standing on top of the lowest climbing frame, with Zara hanging tightly onto her ankles lest she fall, Eve open and closed her hands and twinkled her stars at Elliot with a wide eyed smile. "Daddy look-a-me!"

"I see you, baby girl. I see you and your stars are awesome..." reaching out and patting Nick's jacket shoulder emphatically Elliot sighed, "... we're all blind to what's right in front of us sometimes, buddy. We're all guilt of it."

"I've got some good things going for me Elliot. I've got some _great_ things going for me..." resting his chin on his hands Nick nodded slowly and vowed, "... and I'm done taking them for granted. I've messed up big time but from here on out things are gonna be different."

"Sounds like you found your fight, Amaro."

"I had a little help..." smiled ink dark eyes filled with a rediscovered life, as Zara ran over in a jacket Rollins had helped her pick out one afternoon at Macy's.

* * *

><p>"Cocktail?"<p>

"Vodka martini."

"Coffee?"

"Strong, black and bitter."

"Like your men?" grinned Fin, punching the keys of his phone and sending the text message reply as he waited with Rollins for their second appointment at Fort Drum.

"Who the hell got you to crack a smile that wide?" asked Rollins, leaning slightly in an attempt to catch a glimpse at the sender's identity. Moving his hand away Fin locked his phone, sliding it back into his pocket and shrugging mysteriously.

"No one."

"She makes you happier than I've ever seen you whoever she is..." noted Rollins, twisting her fingers around a fray in her purse tassel and shrugging with a sighing smile, "... and that's a real good thing, Tutuola."

"How about you, Blondie?" asked Fin, with less intimacy but a nonetheless profound affection for Amanda Rollins. She was one of his girls the same way Warner and Benson were, and though they hadn't yet grown as close he wasn't about to let loneliness cripple her while they were all too busy being distracted by their own lives. "You holding up okay in all of this?"

"I..."

"You're not being overly convincing right now." Noted Fin, his concern growing on seeing the misty eyed gratitude falling about her suddenly.

"Sorry, sorry it's just..." swallowing hard and hating how close to the border of saccharine self pity she was wandering Rollins attempted to shrug off the words as she spoke them, "... well you're just the first person who's asked me that in a long time."

"Benson cares, she really does she just..."

"Cares more about whether I can keep my head and not screw up her first shot at playing captain?"

"That isn't fair, Rollins."

"I didn't mean it..." whether she did or not she knew he needed to hear she was sorry for saying it, "... just ignore me."

"Oh you meant it and maybe you're not so very far off the truth. She can be cold when she wants to be. I know how she was with you and Amaro when you first joined SVU..." offering a warm smile, and seeing her relief to realise she had not been imagining it Fin added, "... we all saw it."

"Cold?" scoffed Rollins with a weary laugh. "I thought we'd _never_ thaw her out."

"You think you're in love with Nick Amaro after two years?"

"No! No I..."

"He was her partner, her best friend, her soul mate. She didn't know how to _breathe_ without him there and then you two showed up and she had to make like nothing had changed. Cragen had her clearing out his desk like he'd crossed over and training you two up like she wasn't dying inside."

"So what you're saying is icy was an impressive feat really?" said Rollins with a wash of sadness. She had never known loss on anywhere near that level, she realised, because she had never known a love that cut that deep.

"You think Cragen would hold your hand through all of this crap if he was running this show? You think he'd bring you lemon tea and talk about your bruised ego and broken heart when there's a job to be done and a little girl with problems we can't even begin to imagine?" closing his argument with the kind of casual, and yet deeply profound rounding of his shoulders that made Fin who he was he added. "She's not being cold because she enjoys it; she's doing it because she has to. She's being captain."

"Jeez it's almost four, we've been sat in this office for a half hour waiting for this dude..." bracing her elbows against her knees and sighing tiredly Rollins asked, "... do we think he forgot?"

"The lady at the front desk said he had time to see us before his last patient..." pondered Fin, scanning the army doctor's office, "... it's not as if the military are known for their shabby timekeeping."

"I thought I heard my ears burning..." came a voice from behind them as a figure dressed entirely in eggplant satin breezed through the doorway in a cloud of heady incense and trailed by a ginger cat, "... we do apologise for our tardiness, don't we Basil?"

* * *

><p>"Mama, mama, mama, mama!"<p>

"Careful baby, don't..." predictably, as all children do when their eagerness to arrive is greater than their capacity to hold their own balance Eve landed on all fours several feet short of Olivia's desk, "... fall."

"Uh-oh..." through her vocabulary was increasing every day, there were still several firm favourite utterances and gathering up chubby limbs Eve examined herself and asked, "... imma gotta boo-boo?"

"I don't think so sweetie, you look just fine to me..." holding out her hands and lifting Eve up onto her lap with a visible wince Olivia murmured, "... you look good enough to eat my love."

"You're back bothering you?" asked Elliot, not missing a trick and watching her massage away the earlier twinge when she thought he wasn't watching.

"No, no I'm good..." brushing off the suggestion Olivia flashed a heartened smile, "... but I'm glad to see you two, that's for sure."

"You no closer to finding your guy I take it?"

"I've sent Fin and Rollins up to Fort Drum chasing our best lead yet. It's just wait and see time now, they said they'd call later and check in."

"Brrrr..." folding her arms around herself Eve wiggled from side to side and spoke through pursed lips, "... s'cold!"

"You _are_ cold, baby..." noted Olivia, reaching down and feeling Eve's chilly arms, "... where's your sweater?"

"She gave it to a little girl on the subway, didn't you Mouse?" explained Elliot, somewhere between a laugh and a groan.

"Imma good girl, mama!" nodded Eve with a strangely unassuming pride.

"She also shared her crayons at Josie's place, her lunch with a homeless guy in Washington Square..." arching his eyebrow with wry smile Elliot, "... and her subway ticket with a nice lady on the one train."

"We really nailed that lesson, huh babe?" unable to hold back a laugh Olivia shook her head adoringly at Eve and drew her in close for cuddles.

"I think there's a little fine tuning to be done."

"Oh! Was-at?" leaning away from Olivia's body so she might dig in the front pocket of her little dress Eve's face lit up at the retrieval of a half eaten cookie she had stored for later. "Issa cookie..." bringing it to her lips and then pausing Eve lifted her eyes to Olivia and batted her lashes thoughtfully before announcing, "... imma share with mama."

"Oh baby, baby, baby..." sighed Olivia, burying her face in the soft, sweet smelling skin of Eve's neck and gave her adoring kisses, "... you are the _best_ thing I ever did Evie Grace."

"Our girl gave her peach yoghurt to a meth head, Liv..." marvelled Elliot, as Eve scooted down from Olivia's lap and toddled off to press the buttons of the vending machine, as was now tradition on her visits to the 16th precinct.

"I'm not sure _what_ the hell kind of reaction to go for on that one." Shrugged Olivia, somewhere between horror and tired amusement.

"You know when she handed over her sandwiches I thought she was just doing the same thing I did with the 'real food' in my lunchbox but then she sacrificed the banana and I started to really pay attention."

"Are we really having this conversation?" fearing she had slipped into some weird alternative universe Olivia wondered whether it wasn't time Elliot returned to work full time.

"Liv that kid wouldn't have given _you_ her peach yoghurt a few weeks ago..."

"You really think we've dodged the bullet?" she asked, realising the relief of a parent whose child has weathered an unfortunate growing pain. "She's not gonna be some pouty little pageant queen horror show after all?"

"She's a good kid..." assured Elliot with a warm smile, "... and she's gonna be just fine."

"El..." arching her aching back and closing her eyes Olivia pressed a hand against her lightly cramping stomach and yawning, "... take me home?"

"Yeah?" not really asking he reached for her hand, helping her up from her chair and sliding his arm around her waist. "You okay?"

"I'm fine..."

"Don't you dare lie to me..." he warned, pausing a moment in their exit and staring her down, "... Liv?"

"I'm just tired. I've had enough for today..." knowing her limits and able to recognize more easily now when her body was telling her to slow down Olivia sighed, "... and I can debrief Fin and Rollins from home."

"Mouse, come on baby, come hold my hand in the elevator..." surprised at how quickly she responded and came to heel Elliot squeezed Eve's hand gratefully, "... good girl."

"What's for dinner Mr Mom?" asked Olivia, blissfully grateful of how willing Elliot had been to grab a more domesticated role with both hands while she stepped up at the precinct on the Amaro case.

"Chicken, that cool?"

"That depends..." she sighed with a dramatic pause as they boarded the elevator and Eve pressed the button as usual, "... are we talking your mom's chicken parmesan?"

"We might be."

"My hero..." she murmured, leaning in and kissing him softly.

"You know we've been living together a while now..." mused Elliot, tilting his head sideways and leaning his temple against Olivia's hair, "... have you not realised yet that my mom's chicken parmesan is pretty much the only real food I can make?"

"I had." She confessed, and though he couldn't see it he could feel her smile.

"Humph..." he deliberated, "... it's _that _good, huh?"

"Honestly I don't care what we're eating..." glancing down and stroking her fingertips through Eve's hair Olivia sighed contentedly as she lifted her hand to his chest and patted it lovingly, "... as long as we're all eating it together."

"And you didn't have to cook it?" he teased, knowing she could only tolerate to verbalise anything that poignant because she could rely on his tempering it with humour.

"Yeah, yeah okay you got me." She yawned, as they exited the elevator and he casually took her hand in his left and Eve's in his right.

* * *

><p>"Liv?"<p>

"Something's wrong."

"You said you were feeling better after we ate? That the cramps were gone and..."

"No, no not with me..." she sighed, standing at their bedroom window in one of us old Marine issue t-shirts so old it was barely readable, so old he remembered holding Maureen as a baby in it, and murmured, "... they never called, Elliot."

"Maybe the day really took it out of them and they just crashed. Or they got a real lead up at the post and decided to follow it and check in first thing tomorrow?"

"He _always_ calls..." she insisted, turning her iPhone over and over in her right hand and holding her left lightly on her stomach, "... even when he hasn't said he will."

"I'm sure there's an explanation, babe..." wandering over to stand behind her Elliot slid his arms around her waist, his bare chest warm as it enveloped her like a warm coat of reassurance, "... come back to bed?"

"El don't ever leave me?" she asked suddenly, almost frantically as her hands reached to his arms and held them in place around her.

"Don't be an idiot..."

"Don't be an ass..." she countered quickly, her forehead deeply furrowed and her eyes laced with a fragile fear, "... just promise me?"

"I promise, I..."

"I don't remember how I did this without you..." she confessed, almost under her breath as her eyes danced on his in the moonlight, "... any of it."

"I'm not going anywhere, Liv..." he said, and would say again and again as many times as she needed to hear it, "... you won't ever be without me."


	53. Hang On When The Water Is Rising

"Alright, quiet! All of you, shut up!"

"Yes boss." Nodded Munch, dutifully stalling his conversation with Nick Amaro and giving their new leader his full attention.

"What's our next move?" asked Nick, stood between Zara and Elliot Stabler who clutched a wide eyed Eve. At a sharp minded one and a half her instincts had suggested that her mother may well be a lioness but until that moment she had never seen her roar: it was magnificent.

"You got a plan?" asked Munch, watching Olivia struggle to hold her own attention let alone there's as Eve wandered into a lisping voiced rendition of a cell phone advert she'd heard a billion times in the car.

"First off Amaro, Stabler, this isn't a crèche. Those kids have _got_ to go so your first shout is child care."

"I can take care of that..." volunteering himself Elliot reached out a hand to Zara, "... you wanna come grab a soda with Eve and me? Wait until your Dad is ready to have you help them here?"

"I..." dawdled Zara hesitantly.

"It's okay babe, you go with Elliot. He'll look after you and it won't be for long. You'll be right across the street and I'll come get you really soon. Is that okay with you?"

"Okay..." came the easier reply from Zara, as Eve offered to share a well nibbled carrot stick with her.

"That's my girl."

"Are we headed up to the base?" asked Munch when Elliot had left with the children. "Only if we're gonna get there by nightfall we should probably hit the road. Are you okay to share the drive still?"

"I'm not going..." said Olivia, though it pained her immeasurably, "... you're taking Warner with you."

"I am?"

"He is?" asked the surprised medical examiner.

"I'm two men down and it's all hands on deck. I'm gonna stay here and sit with Nick and Zara until I'm absolutely convinced we know everything. Zara's been through hell and I'm not so sure she hasn't got more to tell if we push her a little harder. Munch? You and Warner head up to the base and work with the teams already up there to figure out what the _hell_ went wrong after Fin and Rollins got there."

"I'll get my coat." Nodded Munch, stepping out toward the crib with Nick momentarily.

"Staffing shortage?"

"What of it?" asked Olivia without hesitation, knowing exactly what Warner was intimating and not caring to indulge it. She was right, of course, and it was for personal reasons she was dispatching her up to Fort Drum but she didn't care. Some things ran deeper than the job and if she couldn't be there for Fin when he was found then she would employ the two next best things in Warner and Munch.

"Are you doing okay, Olivia?" asked Warner, realising her colleague was a million miles away and more than a little wan.

"I'm fine." She heard herself say without pausing for a true assessment of her wellbeing.

"You're a cool liar but I'm not biting, sergeant..." narrowing dancing eyes Warner challenged, "... at one time wild horses couldn't have kept you away from Fort Drum tonight."

"Things change." Replied Olivia, moving a hand to her stomach and heaving a sigh, "The conductor can't just pick up an instrument because he misses being part of the music. I'm the link, the point of contact..."

"The captain?" smiled Warner, acknowledging what Olivia was seemingly still unwilling to. "You miss being on the front line, don't you Liv?"

"I need you to be my eyes and ears up there Melinda. I want every word spoken and every step taken. Munch is second to none but he's bound by rules you aren't."

"You'll know what I know as soon as I know it."

"Then let's do this." Nodded Olivia steadily, pursing her lips and mentally steeling herself for what lay ahead.

"Olivia?" said Warner softly, removing her professional hat.

"Yeah?"

"You're still part of the music."

* * *

><p>"Anything?"<p>

"Not from Zara but..." rereading the information beaming in from her cell phone Olivia felt her stomach drop ten floors as she emerged from the interview room and left the little girl to her colouring.

"Liv?"

"They found Fin's watch beside the couch in the post's psyche office."

"Dr Austin?" asked Nick, a little surprised. "Zara used to see him all the time when Maria was overseas. A friend of ours recommended him. Wait, no, no you don't like him for..."

"We've got bigger problems right now Amaro."

"Bigger than finding the guy who sexually abused my daughter?" snapped Amaro hotly, not entirely sure what she meant and not caring to assume.

"They found Fin and Rollins' duty weapons smouldering in a trash bonfire along with their badges..." closing her eyes and holding them that way for a few moments Olivia inhaled slowly, then opened them to exhale, "... this guy isn't just sick he's insane."

"Jeez..."

"They also found traces of their DNA on military issue jump rope..."

"He held them there?" asked Huang, lost in his own theorising.

"No, no they played a little jump rope before he..." holding her tongue and realising that she could pass all the exams she wanted but nothing could prepare her for this Olivia said nothing for a few seconds.

"What else?" asked Munch, knowing her all too well.

"The receptionist reluctantly confessed that Austin keeps a 44. Mag in his bureau drawer..." meeting Munch's eyes darkly Olivia swallowed, "... and it's gone."

"How bad could this get Olivia?" asked Huang, startling them all by asking what was on the surface a seemingly inane question.

"How bad _could_ it get?" she scoffed in mild disbelief. "You mean _after_ the fact that our perp now has two of my unarmed detectives held against their will God knows where and we're absolutely _nowhere_ on finding out..."

"Liv..."

"Are you in or out on this Huang?" she asked, ignoring Nick's gentle placation.

"What do you need?"

"Every last scrap of dirt you can dig up on Dr James Austin. Hang doctor patient confidentiality, to hell with your professional integrity I don't give a damn..." it was not, she knew, what Cragen would have done but somehow right then she didn't care, "... just do what you have to do."

"I'll call you." Nodded Huang, making a quiet but determined exit.

"It's getting late, Liv. You've not worked a shift like this in a long time. If you wanna head home and grab some down time then..."

"I know you feel like you have to say that and don't think I don't appreciate the thought Amaro..." defiant but not too proud to massage the dull ache in her back Olivia felt his eyes on her stomach as she groaned, "... but let's neither of us waste time pretending it's actually gonna happen."

"Where am I in this, boss? What do you want from him?"

"Go take Zara for a late night ice cream."

"What?"

"I know you're in hell. We all are now but..."

"At least Fin knows how you..." catching himself just short of betraying the true rawness of emotion he felt Nick bit hard on his cheek and managed, "... there are _so many_ things I have to say to her. Things I should've said. Thinks I was too selfish or stupid or..."

"Rollins?" not needing clarification but knowing there was nothing she could say that would hold any weight in that moment Olivia simply reached for Nick's arm and gave it a light squeeze.

"You watch all those clichéd movies and dumbass TV shows and you think that'll never be me. I'll never not say it. I'd never be that guy. Well now here I am. Every punk in the theatre is screaming into their popcorn that I'm an idiot. That I couldn't see what was staring in my face all this time and..."

"I didn't say it for fourteen years..." replied Olivia with a sudden calm washing over her, "... this isn't a Hollywood and real life isn't that black and white."

"Call me as soon as you..."

"Go! Go take care of Zara..." flashing him a reassuring smile Olivia pushed at his shoulder lightly and encouraged, "... I've got this."

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry I hit you."<p>

"I wish you'd hit me harder..." replied Rollins with a grim muttering, her face swollen and heavily bruised as she sat with her back to Fin, "... unconscious sounds pretty great to me right now."

"Then who'd I have to bug?" chuckled Fin, tasting metal in his mouth and realising his lip was bleeding once more.

"I think he nearly bought our act..." said Rollins, her throat so dry the words almost clicked on delivery as she twisted her tightly bound hands far enough to grace his wrist with her fingertips, "... but I'm glad you blew it."

"Yeah." Said Fin, unable to manage anything else as he reached out the hands fast behind his back and responded to her wiggling fingers in a mirroring gesture.

"I really thought he was gonna..."

"Over my dead body." Swallowed Fin grimly, willing the images of Rollins' half stripped body strewn like a piece of meat across an old spring mattress as Dr Austin had circled her like a hungry predator.

"Almost..." she murmured, remembering how he had given up his pretence of being on the physicians side to quite literally throw his body weight at the situation when it had turned unthinkably dark. Austin had taken a shot at the floor space only a foot or so away and both detectives and clung to one another as though it were their last moment on earth. That, if nothing else, would bond them unbreakably from there on out.

"You got a good memory, blondie?" as Fin leant his head back against the pole their bodies fused, and despite the cylinder of metal at her spine Amanda could feel the heat of familiarity.

"What you wanna play Kim's game?" she quipped, because what else was there left to do.

"Ken and Alejandro have been saving up for a..."

"Oh _hell no_, Tutuola!" in her mind it had been a gutsy yell, but in reality all Rollins managed to emit was a hoarse, defiant cry. "You ain't quittin' on me, na-ah, not gonna happen."

"We're tied to the mast of a boat that makes Crusoe's raft look like the freakin' Titanic and you're telling me you're _not_ writing your own eulogy back there?"

"The Titanic sank." Said Rollins with a quiet voice, after some moments of bleak contemplation.

"You gonna let me tell you this shit without interrupting now?" asked Fin, sensing she had perhaps finally arrived at the place he had been sat waiting at for some hours now. "Only I got some things to say and you're the only one around to hear them."

"Where do you think we are right now?" she asked, ignoring his morbid request and closing her eyes. Attempting to hear beyond his voice and the repetitive sloshing of water as it lapped around them Rollins inhaled deeply. The distant drone of city traffic, the occasional horn honk, even voices maybe. Or perhaps that was just her exhausted imagination.

"You know you'd think in a city this size some fucker might notice two people drifting down the Hudson in an open dinghy."

"How do we even know we're still in the Hudson?" she sighed, beginning to resign herself to the same fate he had. "With the right wind we could be on our way to England by now. Why'd you think he did this though? I mean he could've killed us. He had us both at gunpoint unarmed the whole time. He did all that other shit so why not just..."

"I dunno..." replied Fin with a dour calm, "... but I don't wanna know right now either."

"It must be getting late since it was almost dark when he put us in the truck and that was _hours_ ago now."

"Was it? Or does it just feel like it?" asked Fin, shifting his battered body in the hope of finding a less bruised limb to lean his body weight on.

"They don't just _let_ people float around in open water in the city. It's not normal. Even if it is late someone will see us and call it in. We're the goddamn NYPD for crying' out loud! We were supposed to check in with Benson hours ago and she'll know something isn't right when we don't. You two are practically related at this point so she'll find us. She will..." repeating for her own sake more than for his Rollins nodded her head, despite its aching, "... she has to."

"I've never been in love."

"What?" she asked, wondering if somewhere between the hunger and an earlier blow to the head was addling her mind.

"Nothing."

"Okay." And so they waited a while, bobbing together in the bottomless silence and privately thinking all the things a person things when the light at the end of the tunnel is shrinking to merely a pin prick. "I fell in love with anyone who was ever nice to me."

"Good job I treat you like crap then."

"Is there anyone you couldn't live without?" asked Rollins, her voice coming and going, ebbing and fading like the tide. "Is there anyone who couldn't live without you?"

"I'd be pretty pissed if you bailed on me right now."

"Fin it's getting cold..." she murmured, and for the first time he heard how hard she was fighting to keep her teeth from clattering as she spoke.

"Yeah." He was too, he realised now, and it accounted for the aching in his jaw that harmonised with all the other aches and pains the day had inflicted.

"It's getting really, really fucking cold and I just don't see us getting out of here so..."

"Hey?" he barked softly. "Hey, blondie, where did those fingers go?" playing his own like a pianist in search of keys Fin fought against the rope around his palms and stretched as far as he could to where he knew her hands were bound. "Get them back here..." finding her fingertips he pushed his between them, "... hold my hand."

"Okay."

"Tell me about Atlanta."

"You don't wanna hear about Atlanta."

"Georgia then..." offered Fin, and she could feel his smile flash as he added drily, "... there has to be _something _good about your state."

"Pie?" sighed Rollins, "My Mema made the best peach pie in three counties. I love pie. I love peaches. Peaches, there ya go, that's something good about Georgia."

"Original."

"You gonna give me something more original than music and theatre from Harlem?" she challenged. "Other than that hotdog stand you took me to on the corner of..." wishing desperately she could itch under her blindfold Rollins gave up, "... wherever and whatever."

"You remember that, huh?" he smiled fondly.

"I remember you trying to convince me you were really from Brooklyn for the first four months we were partners."

"Yeah, yeah that was before I knew where you hailed from, Peach."

"Hey!" she laughed, remembering what anything other than sheer undiluted terror felt like.

"Lean left a little, can you?" he asked, doing the same and feeling a sudden relief at the friction of her shoulder on his. "Now rub up and down a little."

"I'm not a freakin' cat!"

"You scratch my back, Peach..." he quipped, but she did as he asked purely because it was those little moments, those little respites, those little intimacies that were the only chance either one of them had of coming out the other side of this.

"That better?"

"Thanks."

"Wait, wait I lost hold of..." she panicked, looking though the darkness of her blindfold futile but she did it anyway as her bound hands searched for the reassurance of his.

"I gottcha..." he assured, curling his fingertips around hers one more and sighing back into their wait for salvation "... so is that Mema of yours still making her pies then or..."

* * *

><p>"Liv I think I have something!"<p>

"Olivia?" repeated Nick on entering the semi darkness that had befallen the SVU squad room late that that night. With the peripheral staff and associate detectives having long since abandoned ship for the safe haven of families and the real world there was only one purse still stashed beside a desk, one jacket left slung over the back of a chair.

"Olivia shout up there's something I think you should hear..." pushing around a cluster of papers on her desk and assuming her in the bathroom Nick elaborated with a teasing spoiler to urge her speedy return, "... I was talking to Zara before she went to sleep tonight and I have a few possible places Austin might have..."

"Liv?" cutting himself off and feeling a strange tingling, almost as though fate were blowing cold air across the hairs on the back of his neck Nick turned around and scanned the room anew. Something wasn't right.

"Olivia if you're here..." feeling his pulse quicken to a thundering race as her cell phone began vibrating hard against the desk he held his breath. After a few seconds the ring tone kicked in and shattered the thin silence of the empty precinct and allowing him sudden clarity of thought. Turning the situation over in his mind he walked with purpose between desks, across the room and toward the crib. Throwing himself at the door it smashed against the inside wall as he entered and immediately confirmed the terrified suspicion that had taunted his subconscious.

"**NO!**" he yelled, hurling his body down onto the floor beside his fallen friend. "No, no, no, no, Olivia! Olivia talk to me!" hauling her lifeless body up onto his lap and shaking her repeatedly he cradled her with one arm while using his free hand to check she was still breathing before reaching into his back pocket for his cell.

"Olivia, Olivia its Nick. I've got you. I'm right here but you don't get to do this, okay? You don't get to..." deliberately forcing his eyes away from the pooling blood crimson between Olivia's motionless legs Nick swallowed hard and composed himself, "... I need a bus, I need a bus to the 16th precinct immediately... I have a pregnant officer... ermm, she's around five months give or take...she's not responding and there's a lot of blood..." hugging her face in close to his chest Nick repeated as he dropped his cell, "... there's a lot of blood."

"Don't do this to us, Liv. You gotta hang in there..." staving off tears with all his fight Nick bit down hard on his cheek and reached to Olivia's swollen stomach, laying his palm flat against it and willing with a gruff choke, "... both of you."


	54. The Wind That Blew My Heart Away

"Rollins."

The statement came out of nowhere. It was the first word Fin had uttered in several excruciating hours and it felt as though in that time his throat and turned to sandpaper and his tongue was suddenly too big for his mouth. Wriggling his hands free from the ropes that had bound them he exercised aching muscles and joints before reaching into his pocket for a stick of gum and twisting around to shake Amanda's shoulders lightly.

"Hey, hey wake up I've worked it loose..." realising that his anxious desire to turn fully around and release her hands from the mast was rocking the boat to an alarming degree Fin calmed his movements but increased the urgency in his voice, "... yo, blondie I'm serious..."

"Ugh..." managed Amanda weakly, her head leaden as it sank down onto her chest and her chin flattened against her breastbone.

"Jeez what the hell is..." no longer caring whether or not he allowed water to slosh in either side of what he now, blindfold removed and vision restored, recognised as an army recovery vessel Fin murmured, "... you don't look good."

"My head hurts." Managed Rollins between shallow breaths.

"Oh no, no, no, I didn't spend the past few hours working skin raw for you to do this to me!"

"Your _hands_..." exclaimed Amanda, recovering herself a little at the sight of Fin's bloody, calloused palms wrapped loosely in the t-shirt she realised he was no longer wearing under his jacket, "... what the hell?"

"When you said your head hurts..." asked Fin, his face falling grey as somewhere between the city lights and dim glow of the moon he caught sight of the ominous purple contusion poorly hidden by a damp matting of blonde bangs, "... how bad?"

"Not so bad..." she lied, almost deliriously grateful to not only be able to see his kind face and familiar eyes through the darkness but to feel his skin against hers as he reached up rough hands and lay them either side of her face, "... it's like a dull ache I guess."

"Liar..." he challenged, watching her eyes rolling back slightly with every ebb and flow of the waves around them, "... give it to me straight, Peach."

"Yeah?" she tested, realising that though the rope around her hands had long since fallen slack she hadn't yet moved her fingers. Bending and flexing them she moved them achingly from behind her back and laid them in her lap for a moment.

"Yeah." He insisted, their legs and feet a tangled mess as they huddled together shivering.

"Just now when you were trying to wake me..." she swallowed, wincing at the nails in her dry throat and blinking against the light drizzle rain beginning to fall, "... I'm not so sure I was just sleepin' Fin."

"Okay, okay that's cool..." he nodded, seeing the grips of terror release her enough to allow a rising panic, as she looked around and the true enormity of the danger they faced began to sink in, "... no, no don't do that. Don't you cry on me. We're not there yet. We're not out of this game until I say we're out..." though his talk was fighting his arms were warm, kind and all consuming as he reached out and drew her small frame into the broad bear like clench of his chest, "... and we are _not _done here. We're not even close, you hear me?"

"Yeah, yes..." she hiccoughed, struggling to catch her breath as she relaxed into his arms and clung there, "... I hear you."

"So, yeah, things don't look great right now. I get that..." resting his chin on the top of her head, careful to avoid any of the bruising and not apply any weight Fin surveyed the scene around them, "... but what'ya gonna do? Just give up?"

"No." Came her almost involuntary response as she gained heat and unspeakable comfort from the intimacy of her cheek against his bare chest. He must be frozen, she thought, wearing only his leather jacket and holding most of it closed around her body rather than snug around his. Despite her fear, despite the cold and the throbbing ache in her head something had changed within her. She could hear his heart beating. She could smell his skin and her fingertips combed teasingly through swarthy black chest hair with what she realised was a state of intense attraction. "Fin?" she murmured, his grip so tight around it felt like he might never let go. She never wanted him to.

"I don't think we're getting out of here tonight..." he muttered bleakly, his dark eyes glinting with an almost feral ambiguity, "... do you?"

"I can't figure how we'd make light or noise. I think we need dawn. I think we need someone on that damn shore to see how ridiculous we look sat out here like two dumbass kids stranded at the beach and think..."

"Maybe we should throw their sorry asses a rope?" they were both laughing now, their bodies trembling with almost hysterical fear and unfettered relief. When they were both calmer she went to move, to sit up a little and relieve the pressure against her bruised hipbone.

"No..." he said abruptly, surprising himself by the unguarded way the words fell out of him without warning or forethought, "... no don't move."

"My side hurts..." twisting instead of moving away she attempted to find reprieve despite the harsh wooden surface on which they lay, "... and my back, and my head, and my right shoulder and..."

"Here, here sit up, sit on me..." encouraging her up onto his lap Fin cradled her tenderly and flashed a wry smile, "... use my fat ass as a cushion."

"What were they savin' up for?" her drawl grew lazier the longer they went without sleep and food, he realised, with an anxious catching of breath. What stole it from his lungs completely, however, was how exquisitely open and exposed the wide water blue eyes were that stared up at him and broke the back of his defences, "Your boy and his husband? What were they savin' for?"

"A place."

"You wanna be a bit vaguer there, detective?" she laughed, wincing against the piercing pain of what she suspected could well have been a broken rib. Austin had kicked hard when she had tried to crawl free.

"Nowhere specific. Just a space that was theirs. An apartment, a two story, someplace they could be together. Someplace they could make a life."

"Sounds nice."

"I want to help them. I want Ken to know what it's like to have a home, not just a place where you sleep at night."

"No one believed me..."

"What?" he asked, returning from somewhere else and staring down at her with a searching concern etched across his dirty face.

"I was working late. I stayed over in the crib so I could get a head start in the morning and prove to them all I wasn't just some redneck blonde they..."

"We're in Atlanta now, right?" clarified Fin, watching her eyes puddle with tears and glistening rivers of pain, unspoken till then, slide down her pale cheeks.

"He came back. He forgot something. I don't know. He had always been an ass. An old boy, a boundary pusher, a bully. It was dark and he came in and stayed so quiet I didn't hear him. I was sleeping. I woke up and he hand his hand on my leg, just stroking. He talked some bull about being partners, being close, me owing him a favour for something and nothing. I got up to move but he pinned me down. He held me down. I went to scream but there was only us, there was no one to hear..."

"Jesus..." muttered Fin, his thick brows furrowed.

"He just kept talking. Talking, talking, talking, all this shit about everything and anything and now I was _nothing_ and then unzipped my pants and... and he slid his hand..." closing her eyes, unable to bear looking up at Fin as she spoke Amanda murmured bitterly, "... he _violated_ me and they made it go away!"

"Rat bastards..." he spoke for all of those who had ever suffered because of all those who ever helped cover up wrongdoing for the sake of the force. One Police Plaza had done more than their fair share of justice stealing in his world and it was a grim realisation to know things were no different elsewhere.

"I wasn't raped. I can't pretend to know that kind of..."

"Hey, hey don't you dare..." growled Fin protectively, "... don't you _dare_ make it any less than it was. You're no better than them if you do."

"The next day we went back to work as thought nothing had happened. I knew if I brought it up I'd get stonewalled and if I made it an issue it'd be my badge on the line not his. I was trapped. I just drowned in it. All that anger and resentment just _burned_ for what felt like forever until one day I just..." realising all she could hear now was the sound of her own voice Rollins felt a rush of self conscious and added barely audibly, "... well I just left."

"You came to the city." Wasn't a question from Fin, it was where he knew their story had started. Staring long and hard into the night, watching the lights of New York City in the distance and listening to the sound of his own heartbeat thundering in his ears he exhaled slowly. Then, lowering his eyes to Amanda breathed, "I'm glad you came to the city."

"Fin I..." and there it was, stealing up on them though the darkness without word or warning and now sitting so hard on both of their chests they could barely breathe for the sheer all consuming weight of it.

"I know..." he swallowed, ignoring the agony in his back as he leant down and pressed his mouth lightly against her trembling lips, "...I think..." he murmured, closing his eyes and feeling his blood run hot as she lifted her face toward him and kissed him with increasing urgency, "... me too."

* * *

><p>"Elliot, thank God!"<p>

"Where is she?" pupils dilated, pulse racing and the vein in his forehead throbbing with the kind of intensity of emotion he had never known before. "Where is she? I have to see her!"

"I got her here as soon as I could Elliot I swear. The bus seemed to just take _forever _and then they took her someplace they second we..." shrugging his shoulders with profound regret Nick shook his head helplessly, "... they wouldn't tell me anything."

"Are you Elliot?" asked a doctor, emerging in almost a flourish from nowhere and leafing through a clipboard of patient notes. Notes that Elliot realised, with grim horror, were Olivia's.

"Yeah, yeah that's me, that's me..." he rushed, wringing clammy hands and searching the doctor's poker face with darting blue eyes, "... is she okay? What's going on? Can I see her?"

"We need to make some decisions and we need to make them fast." Said the doctor with a steady, empathetic honesty that Elliot could appreciate even in his state of horrified shock. "Are you doing okay?"

"Tell me what I need to do to help her?" said Elliot, feeling as though he was literally pulling himself together from the inside out. Drawing together every muscle and bone and willing himself to remain upright and level-headed long enough to do whatever was necessary. He could not fall apart.

"She's lost a lot of blood and I'm gonna be honest with you and say things aren't good..." nodding steadily as the doctor spoke, nothing could have prepared him for what came next, "...we need to deliver the baby."

"She's only six months it's too early..." and then, because he couldn't manage anything else Elliot repeated the same phrase in desperate questioning, "... it's too early?"

"She's 26 weeks and babies have survived younger but I won't lie and tell you the odds are good..." though his face was kind there was no amount of compassion that could lessen the body blow of a devastating statistic, "... medically they're sitting just above even right now."

"My God..." murmured Elliot, staggering back and leaning against the corridor wall for much support, "...my _God_ what do I..."

"It's an impossible decision I know but..."

"Do you?" snapped Elliot, his head shooting up to meet the young doctor's eyes. "Do you _really_ know?"

"We need to transfuse blood if Olivia is going to..."

"You're asking me to choose. You're telling me that if I don't let you deliver this baby right now then..." he couldn't even say it, much less allow it to breathe life in his imagination and so instead he swallowed the end of one sentence and allowed it to run into the next, "... but if I do then there's a fifty-fifty chance that it won't survive."

"I'm gonna give you a little time Elliot. Talk with your friend. Get some air. We have her stable enough for you to take ten before we need to..."

"Take ten?" scoffed Elliot, no longer able to tolerate anything in the world. He no longer cared how good the doctor's bedside manner or medical capabilities were. It didn't matter. None of it could help him because none of it could help her.

"If you have _any_ questions, anything at all we can do to help you..."

"Choose between my partner and my child?" laughed Elliot with a bitter, frantic cackle that gave way quickly to stifled tears. "I need to step outside."

"Elliot..." called Nick, sensing his friend out not to be alone with this kind of information. No man should.

"We named her Nick."

"The baby?" he swallowed, when they were alone in the corridor and the doctor had returned to the cluster of nurses gathered around a nearby station.

"Elia."

"That's a gorgeous..."

"Evie thinks she's getting a baby. Olivia... she..." covering his face in his hands, unwilling to let another man see him break so completely Elliot allowed a few gruff, wracking sobs before steadying himself and murmuring gutrally, "... she'd never get over it."

"She would, she would she..."

"You don't know her the way I do Amaro..." it was defensive, it was protective of what he alone shared with his partner, but more than that it was staggeringly true.

"No one does."

"This will kill her either way..." feeling as though he could crawl out of his own skin Elliot wiped his nose on the back of his hand and sniffed staunchly, shaking his head and turning to leave, "... what the _hell_ do I do?"

"What would Liv have you do?" asked Amaro simply, and Elliot stopped. Stopped spinning, stopped talking, stopped breathing. "What would she want?"

"I don't care... I do I just... what would she want, what would she do..." his mind racing Elliot heard a clatter of doors as two midwives, suited for theatre burst through double doors with a consultant and called to what he now realised was a second or third year intern he had been speaking to earlier.

"Doctor Lawson call down to OR 2 and tell them we're on our way..." not realising Elliot and Nick were still in earshot the female midwife, brandishing her bloodied latex gloves like something out of a nightmare that Elliot now found himself living in added, "... she's bleeding out."

"No, no, no..." moving back into the picture Elliot put himself between the two clusters of medical staff, craning on tiptoes in a bid to see into the room in which Olivia lay, "... Liv? Liv!"

"Elliot I'm sorry you can't go in there..." moving forward and reaching for Elliot's shoulders Doctor Lawson held him fast, "... I'm sorry but you need to..."

"Save her..." so many people talked of speaking from the heart, but Elliot had never known it's literal meaning until that moment, "... do what you have to..." he murmured bleakly, "... just don't let her die."


	55. A Little Piece Of Heaven Turns To Dark

"I know what you're going through."

"Thanks." Shutting down Nick's attempt to connect with him with a grateful but dismissive nod Elliot struggled to remain in his seat. He did not want to talk. He didn't want to sit outside an operating theatre praying to a God he wasn't sure he could go on believing in. He couldn't carry Nick's grief now. Not and keep his head above water.

"It's the waiting. That's what gets you. It's the worst part. You feel like if you could just _do_ something, anything, then you could stand it. I remember wanting to climb the walls those last few days in Landstuhl."

"Yeah." It wasn't a question from Elliot. He did not want to pursue this conversation.

"I couldn't wrap my head around it. I guess you always know it's a possibility. You make the choices you feel like you have to make and then you live with the consequences but not that. Not her. I couldn't think or feel. I couldn't process all of the..."

"I could really use a water..." ventured Elliot, rubbing his hands on the thighs of his jeans and looking around with increasing desperation to evacuate.

"I didn't know how I could live without her. We weren't perfect. We fought all the time, we spent most of the year apart with her away in the sand but when it was good it was so damn good. She was my whole world even when she was a million miles away. I couldn't even imagine my life with her gone and so I know. Elliot I _know_ the hell that you're in right now because I've been there. I've been through the same thing and..."

"No." Said Elliot sharply, rising from his seat and shaking his head furiously from side to side as he held up both hands, palms upturned in a powerfully defensive gesture. "No, no we are _not_ the same. We're just not."

"I know this..."

"Your wife died Nick..." it was brutal and cutting but nonetheless true, and Elliot's eyes were piercing as he added, "... and Olivia is going to be fine."

"I think water is a good call..." swallowed Nick, Elliot's words like citrus into his open wound, "... excuse me."

* * *

><p>"She was the only person who meant anything to me. Anything at all. She knew everything about me. The Queen of Harlem I used to call her..." flashing a smirk in recollection Fin added, "... and I guess I called her a few other things besides when she pissed me off. Man did she piss me off sometimes. Odafin do your homework. Odafin eat your peas. Odafin brush your teeth they'll turn fuzzy. Who buys that crap? I sure as hell did. I didn't want fuzzy teeth. What kid does, right?" stroking unconsciously at the thin wisps of baby soft blonde hair resting on his chest Fin chuckled to himself.<p>

"She used to take me to the park, push me on the swings, take her wrinkly black hand to my backside when I got out of line. I was barely ever _in_ line. I gave her the roughest time going and I hate that. I hate that she had to waste so many hours of her life looking for me, worrying about me, trying to straighten me out. I guess I was messed up even at six years old when I first walked into her laundrette pretending to smoke a pencil. I guess she should've run for the hills right then and there. She wouldn't though. She wasn't no quitter. She saw a lost little kid with no place to go. Dad gone, mom high..." the warmth of Amanda's body hugged closely into his own gave Fin the confidence to confess, "... I was the loneliest little dork going until she took me in."

"They shot her in the head." He said, after several long moments of deep, all consuming reflecting on his formative years. "She went out to buy milk one morning and got caught up in a turf war between two meth heads in the local bodega. I'll never know what went down and I ain't sure I want to. I was thirteen years old and I wanted to die. I wished they'd shot me instead. She'd made me breakfast every morning for seven years and then one day she just wasn't there anymore. When she left she took everything. All the crazy ass ideas I had about going somewhere or being someone. I smoked a joint sat on her grave and swore to a cruel God that I would _never_ put myself through that shit again. Getting close to people, letting them in, giving them a piece of you..." closing his eyes and feeling the agony afresh Fin mumbled, "... it wasn't something I wanted anything to do with. Not ever again."

"I was on at her the whole nine months. Tell him, tell him, tell Stabler the truth. I didn't get it. I never could've. She couldn't tell him. She couldn't take that risk, she couldn't take that chance. The chance that he didn't feel the same, the chance that he wouldn't leave Kathy for her, the chance that she'd have to spend the rest of her life just wanting him and not being able to have him. People do some crazy ass shit for love and I used to think they were fools. Now I'm not so sure I've not been the fool. Maybe I'm just a coward. She waited fourteen years for that hot-headed son of a bitch and now she's happier than I've ever known. That's not so damn crazy after all."

"Rollins?" he asked, realising he had been soliloquizing for quite some time in the almost dawn and she had yet to respond. "You fallen asleep on me down there, peach?"

"Amanda?" he tested again, moving creaky, aching limbs for the first time in hours and giving her a light jostle to wake her. "Seriously 'Manda you big lump of..." she was anything but, he realised with a stomach dropping swallow as her petite frame flopped like a living doll away from his chest and onto his lap, "... fuck no..."

"Amanda! Amanda wake up!" he urged, scooping her into his arms and rocking her back and forth while patting with increasingly frantic urgency at her pallid cheeks. "It's nearly dawn, peach! We're gonna get out of here. They'll already have been searching for hours and they're just minutes from figuring it out. The guys at the 1-6 are onto it and they're coming. They're coming for us, doll..." pressing his mouth against her forehead and murmuring hot words of urging, not caring whether they were in any part true, "... you gotta hang on. You gotta hang in there because they're coming to get us. We're gonna get the hell out of here and you're gonna make me your Mema's peach pie. I'm gonna teach you how to ride a bike because it's just freakin' embarrassing that you can't at your age. You're everything I never realised I..." overwhelmed by resurrected capacity to love and drowning in a sudden flood of undammed fear of loss Fin tasted salty tears on his lips as he bent to kiss her, "... don't you _dare_ bail on me now, Rollins. I won't let you. I won't let you just give up because you're a hell of a lot tougher than you think you are and you are _not_ gonna die in a fucking dinghy."

* * *

><p>"Elliot?"<p>

"Right here!" the words exploded out of Elliot almost at a frantic yelp as he left his standing post on the opposite corridor wall and rushed to the theatre door to meet with the attending surgeon.

"Take a breath for me?" said the kind, white haired doctor as he watched the last drop of colour drain from Elliot's face. "You have a son."

"It's a boy?" choked Elliot, tears rushing in and stifling the words in this throat and the air in his lungs as he spluttered sobs. "Liv?"

"We've sent the little man up to the NCIU where he's in the _very _best possible hands. He's tiny, he's very, very small but he's made it this far and that is no mean feat at his weight and stage of development so..."

"Is he gonna make it?"

"I've paged my colleague up there and she's going to come down and speak with you as soon as she can to talk through realities and..."

"And Olivia?" he barely dared to ask.

"The delivery team are just finishing up the c-section but as soon as they give the word I'm taking my team in to do _everything_ we can for her."

"Talk to me like I'm a sane person?" entreated Elliot. He needed, he realised, just for one moment, to feel as though he were not losing his mind. "Talk to me like you'd talk to a nurse or another doctor. Talk to me like I'm a cop and tell me everything I need to know before you go back in there."

"Okay..." seeing him as a temporarily broken, but fundamentally stable man and someone experienced in the trauma field the doctor agreed where he might otherwise not. "She's a mess right now. The placenta abruption, the long wait before we got to her, and a brutal delivery have left us with a lot of work to do..." then, venturing a optimistic smile the doctor nodded steadily, "... but the fact that she's made it this far? That gives me immense hope Elliot. I can't give you numbers. I can't give you certainties. All I can say is that I'll do everything I can and that we'll keep fighting as hard as she is. To have survived the trauma her body has been through in the past few hours alone it's clear that your wife is one hell of a strong woman."

"Yeah, yeah she is."

"Doctor Roberts? We're ready for you..."

* * *

><p>"Dad?"<p>

"Maureen..." murmured Elliot, who would not have been prepared to steal his eyes away from the NCIU for anything less than the arrival of his eldest daughter, "... what are you doing here?"

"Mom told me what happened."

"She did, huh?" managed Elliot, his throat raw and his eyes still red rimmed and watery.

"I spoke to Katie and Lizzie. They send their love. Dickie too..." flashing a nervous smile Maureen added, "... he said to tell you that Olivia is kick ass and he thinks she'll be fine."

"I wish I could be so certain." Replied Elliot bitterly, but not unappreciative of his son's sentiment or how much it would've taken for him to send the message.

"Dad I'm so sorry for the way I've been since..."

"I've been calling him Samson." Said Elliot, not able to focus his attention for any length of time on the world outside of the incubator in which his son lay. Tubes, wires, and a naive perspective of the world lay still, unmoving behind glass.

"That's a nice name." Said Maureen, never having seen her father this way. It was more terrifying to her than all his rage and thunder could ever have been.

"It wasn't his name. It was never going to be. We named a girl. Then he showed up and we had nothing planned. I don't know what Liv would want to..." shaking his head and turning away from his firstborn Elliot swallowed, "... but I have to call him something."

"Dad I..."

"He's gotta have a name Maureen. I mean look at him. He just got his tiny little butt hauled out into this world _way_ too soon. He wasn't ready. He isn't ready for this. His heart keeps stopping because it hasn't learned to remember to beat yet. He's bustin' his balls just trying to keep air in his lungs and he didn't even have a name..."

"He has one now and it is a _great_ name. From the Bible, right?" she asked, having been raised on his favourite Old Testament narratives.

"He wrestled lions, destroyed whole temples with his own two hands; he took out a whole freakin' army with some piece of jawbone. God gave his Samson superhuman strength..." he had managed until that moment, to hold himself together for Maureen's sake but suddenly Elliot's knees buckled slightly and he lowered his head to his hands and broke down, "... I just pray he gives my little guy some too."

"Daddy I'm so sorry..." throwing herself around his neck Maureen hugged her father as tightly as she was able and kissing his tear salted cheek declared emphatically, "... I am so _so_ sorry for being such a total bitch to you!"

"I'm sorry I hurt you." Said Elliot, but in the wake of his obvious agony and her tiny half brother fighting for his life in the room beside them Maureen only felt incredibly small.

"Maybe... maybe when Olivia is better we could... well we could all go to a game or something..." stumbled Maureen, fighting her own tears now with the relief of being back in her father's arms, "... she likes baseball too, right?"

"She likes the snacks..." choked Elliot, the memory trickling cruel lemon juice in his open wound, "... but yeah, yeah that sounds like an awesome idea baby."

"Have you eaten anything? Can I get you a coffee or..."

"No, no I'm good thanks. I'm just gonna stay here with Sam until Liv is out of theatre. The nurse promised she'd come find me right away."

"Okay, okay and who has Eve?"

"I..." his little girl, his precious little Mouse sat in some strange house wondering where her parents have gone was an image that broke Elliot's heart suddenly, "... she's at Alex Cabot's."

"Only I spoke to Katie on the way over and we were thinking..." they say that it is in the midst of the deepest traumas that human nature finds it's true strength, and it's most profound compassion, "... what if we took Evie home with us?"

"Your mom... "

"We called her. She's got Eli's old bed made up all ready and he is _super_ excited for a sleepover so..." shrugging lightly Maureen's eyes glinted with the kind of love only a daughter knows, "... please Dad, let us do this for you? I've been an idiot but let me help you? You always taught me that when things go bad families stick together..." giving him everything he could ever have wanted from her she flashed a lopsided smile, "... and Evie is family."


	56. I Heard That Your Dreams Came True

"Where in tarnation am I?"

"Amanda?" asked Nick, lurching forward and grabbing the nurse's pull cord. "Are you okay? Are you alright?"

"My head hurts but..." twisting her neck as far as a powerful ache would allow Rollins noted the drip in her left hand and the battered, bruised appearance of her arms and then legs, "... wait, jeez, was in a war I forgot about or something?"

"You don't remember?" asked Nick, passing her a cup of water and holding it while she sucked thirstily at the straw. "Do you remember any of what happened?"

"Would my face look like this if I did?" pulling a thoroughly confused expression Amanda winced as one of the cuts on her forehead pulled open and began to weep gently once more.

"You went up to Fort Drum to talk to the therapist who..."

"Nick was I raped?" she asked abruptly, impulsively, with a sudden awareness of the bruising on her inner thighs and a terrifying realisation that she had no clarity of detail on anything that had happened since she and Fin had arrived at the army post.

"No! No you..."

"Where's Fin?" attempting to sit up and then flinching at the unbearable searing pain hurtling through her rib cage she sank back into the pillows and simply stared at Nick with urgent expectancy. He was her window into the recent past and she couldn't read him with the ease she could Fin.

"He's right down the hall getting stitched up and treated for hypothermia."

"Hypothermia!" she exclaimed, flashing pieces of the past few hours coming back to her like paddles to the chest. "We were in the water..." she mumbled, running trembling hands along her chapped lips and recalling, "... we were in the water and it was cold. It was freezing. I remember waking up and..."

"It's okay, it's okay you're safe now. It's been a hell of a night..." in so many ways, thought Nick with silent, inward reflection on Olivia and her newborn fighting for live somewhere on the other side of the hospital, "... but you're safe now and I'm gonna look after you for a change."

"He dragged me to the shore..." whispered Rollins hoarsely as Nick wrapped his arms around her and held her the way she had wished he would for months, "... he hauled ass for miles in the freezing Hudson dragging me like a freakin' dead weight and..."

"Shhhhh don't think about it now..." but she had to think about it, she couldn't think about anything else. Fin's arm pinning her to him as he kicked hard against the current. Waking up believing herself dead and then looking him square in the eye and knowing he'd kill himself before he'd let her be.

"If it weren't for Fin I'd be at the bottom of the Hudson right now..." avoiding Nick's dark eyes as he drew her awkwardly into his chest Rollins rested a tired head on his shoulder and whispered, "... he saved my life tonight."

* * *

><p>"My God can this be real Liv..." breathed Elliot Stabler, sinking down in the chair beside Olivia's bed as she lay like sleeping beauty amid a forest of wires and machines, "... how did we get here?"<p>

Tentatively placing his hand over hers he felt as though she were porcelain. Fragile, brittle, hanging onto life by her fingertips where once she had held it firmly in both hands. Lying in some strange waiting place between the world she was leaving behind and the one that he knew angels would wait for her in, Olivia had never looked more tragic or more beautiful.

"You have a son, babe. We have a little boy. God and he isso small, he's so tiny but he's fighting hard and he's waiting for you Liv. Our boy is _waiting_ for you and you need to wake up for him. He needs his mom more than _anything_ right now and I know you need him too. You need each other. I've been calling him Samson. I don't know what you'll think about that. It just happened. I remember when I was a kid in Sunday school he was my favourite. He was so strong he was almost invincible. God made him that way. God gave him superhuman strength and I guess that's why I named our son for him."

No longer caring how fragile she was Elliot trusted that he couldn't break something he loved as much as he loved her and took her hand in his, "Only just now I realised that I think I was wrong. God might've had a hand in it..." bending down with a tremble in his lip Elliot murmured, "... but I'm pretty sure our Sam got his superhuman strength from you Liv."

* * *

><p>"Nick asked me to move in with him."<p>

"Warner brought me grapes."

"I wanted this so badly. I chased it. Hard. I put myself into every single corner of his life and I made it so that his daughter sees me as her new best friend. She trusts me. He trusts me. He got clean and he's gonna give up his badge and he wants us to give it a shot. He wants to take me out for Italian food and give me a key to his place and….."

"You shouldn't be out of bed….." muttered Fin gruffly as Amanda staggered over to his bed and slumped herself down on the mattress at his feet, "….you look like hell."

"You hate grapes."

"No I don't." He lied.

"You hate everything about them. The taste, the skin, the way the insides feel when you squish them against your tongue. I don't think I even remember what the other flavours of Jolly Ranchers taste like."

"She's a good person. She might just be the best person I've ever known. She's so good it should be annoying but somehow it's just reassuring. You know where you are with Melinda. She's not fickle and flighty and she doesn't do my head in like….."

"Like I do?" challenged Rollins, her bruised face turning swiftly toward him as ice blue eyes flashed him a cold stare.

"When we were floating in the water tonight I said some shit….."

"I know."

"How much did you hear?" he asked, his chest heavy and eyes barely able to remain open he was so deeply exhausted.

"All of it."

"How much d'you remember?" he asked, his words lightly slurring.

"Enough…" she shrugged noncommittally, before meeting his gaze again, "… I dunno."

"You have a shot at something good with Amaro."

"A chance to stop being so fickle and flighty you mean?" she smarted, remembering his earlier words and still feeling their burn.

"Hey, hey I hauled your ass the length of the Hudson tonight….." wincing as he struggling to smile against a heavily bruised face Fin chuckled, "….you don't get to sass me, peach."

"I think I promised to make you pie if we ever made it to shore." She recalled, her memory triggered by the use of his newly coined moniker for her.

"And I intend to hold you to it!" he replied, patting the space on the bed beside him and smiling warmly as she scooted up into it. "I also seem to remember saying I'd teach you how to ride a bike so you don't embarrass your kids someday."

"Fin I…." she began, close enough now to reach out and touch the stubbled line of his jaw with her shaking fingertips.

"What?" he asked, tilting his head into her palm and shaking his head with a searching expression. "You delirious or something?"

"I should be. I should be deliriously freakin' happy because I finally got what I wanted….." catching her breath and closing her eyes as he turned his face into her palm and kissed her grazed hand tenderly she whispered, "… but I'm not so sure I want it anymore."

"Yeah you do. Yeah you will. When you wake up in the morning and you're not so sick and tired you'll want it again. It's grown up, it's safe, it makes sense and it's a good thing. Nick has finally woken up to the good thing he's got going and….."

"I'm stealing your grapes."

"Okay."

"Fin I might not remember everything that got said tonight but I remember that you saved my life. I remember that it was the single most real twelve hours I've ever lived through. I felt more alive freezing to death with you than….." taking back her hand and rising slowly from the bed she turned back to him, flashing a sad smile of reluctant acceptance and sighed, "….well even though it's done now I won't ever forget it. Not ever."

* * *

><p>"It isn't just about them, Liv."<p>

Lying with his head on Olivia's thigh, feeling the warmth of her body and listening to the sound of her gentle, repetitive breathing Elliot swam somewhere between awake and sleeping.

"It isn't just about you being Evie's whole world or Sam needing you to quite literally breathe the life into him. It's about me. It's about how I can't do this without you. I don't remember what if felt like to be the guy I was before I met you. I don't want to. I don't want to remember what it was like before I fought with you about diaper duty and how I'm too soft on Mouse. I don't want to remember what ball games were like without you sat there eating frickles and trying to convince me you have a clue what's going on. It's my life now. You're my life. You're everything to me Olivia and I had plans. I _have_ plans for us that I never..." shaking his head and realising for the first time what true helplessness felt like Elliot reached for her hand and kissed it tenderly, "...we were gonna get a place."

"We finally made that meeting with a realtor and start working on getting some space. I know your heart belongs in Manhattan but you should see how much room a growing boy takes up. You think Mouse is bad you haven't seen anything yet. I thought my house halved in square footage when Dickie learned to walk. And Sam _is_ gonna learn to walk, baby. He's gonna get stronger. He's gonna fight his way through this like _only_ your kid could and he's gonna walk and talk and be Mouse's annoying little brother and a pain our asses..." closing his eyes and then opening them so slowly, it were as if he were drawing theatre curtains on her face. Warm olive skin, exquisite cheekbones that held his whole world upright, and those eyes. Those chocolate Hershey kisses he could fall into, get lost in, the eyes that had stolen his heart and would never return it. Not if he lost her that day and lived on to be a hundred.

"I won't get over it. I would _never_ get over losing you. I know it. I'm afraid of it. It terrifies me Olivia. I see Nick how he's come through losing his wife and I admire it. I see him living for Zara now and allowing Rollins to help him and I'm in awe because I couldn't do it. It would kill me. I don't care what anyone says. I'm not that strong. I'm too inward and angry and the blind fury would swallow me whole. I'd drown in it."

"I will _drown_ in my own selfish pain and rage if my God takes you from me..." bending over the bed and pressing his face against hers, resting his forehead against her temple and breathing, "... so don't _let him_ Liv. I need you to fight. I need you to fight like you have never fought before because this is it. This is it and it's all you. I can't help you with this one."

"You have to _fight_ to come back to me, Olivia, because I am sitting here finding out what it is to know you're about to lose everything. You're everything to me and I'm sitting here and I can't even see straight because I love you so goddamn much and I don't work without you. You're the other half of every single thing I do not withstanding the two beautiful kids you've given me so fight, just fight, fight like holy hell the way _only_ you can because we're not done here. We are not even _close_ to being done and I wasn't planning on telling you this but….." he couldn't hear her, was the grim realisation that allowed him to confess at a whisper, "…. there's a ring."

"There is a white gold ring with all the diamonds my sorry ass detective wage could manage and it's sat in a jewellers waiting for me to go pick it up..." reaching for her left hand and stroking down the ring finger Elliot choked, "... and it belongs right here. So you see when I told you I had plans I wasn't dicking around. I hadn't figured out where or when I was gonna ask you yet but I'm pretty sure you're gonna need to be conscious whichever scenario I pick. So wake up, Liv. You waited _so long _for this, don't leave now, don't leave when we're only just getting started. I wanna marry you, I wanna raise our kids with you..." knowing it was only the two of them Elliot gave in and sobbed bitterly, "... so I'm begging you just wake up, wake up, wake up..."


	57. Life Goes On

"Captain you shouldn't be here."

"Shouldn't I?" asked Donald Cragen, standing several tens of pounds lighter than he had once stood. His familiar flat cap took on a tinge of sadness as it hid the effects of a gruelling treatment regime, equally betrayed by the heavy lines and wan thinness of his kind face.

"You should be…"

"It's hard to run a precinct with no staff."

"Oh..." said Nick with a sudden smallness washing over him as he realised not only had they all abandoned ship, but that the course they had been sailing was that of justice for his own daughter. Somehow the lines of reality had become so completely blurred lately that he struggled to maintain perspective. Yes he wanted, with everything he lived and breathed, to see the man who hurt Zara put behind bars for as long as the law would sanction. Yet somehow now everything had changed. Things in the past were gone and all he could see to live for were those things that still had potential to change. The endings that could still be altered. He couldn't prevent what happened to Zara and she had survived it. Her case could wait long enough to see Olivia Benson and her baby son survive one more night.

"We're at war, troops. This is what a _real _battle feels like." Said Cragen with grim solidarity as he stood before Stabler and Amaro, feeling suddenly stronger than he had in a long time. "This is what it feels like when the fight comes to us."

"It's great to see you." Said Nick, never having meant it more and taking deep comfort in having their leader back at the helm.

"This too shall pass…" sighed Cragen, hitching up his trouser legs and taking a seat beside Elliot, "…tell me everything, Stabler. I want to hear all the gory details, all the things that run through your head at 4am when you're not sleeping. Don't leave anything out."

"Elliot…" nudged Nick, when his colleague said nothing.

"I just want her back." Was all that Elliot could manage, and Cragen understood. They all did.

"What happened to Austin after he dumped Fin and Rollins on that raft?" asked Nick, allowing Elliot the respite of talking about something other than that which consumed him.

"He headed north. I'm waiting on the state troopers to fill in the blanks but all I know at the moment is he's secured. Rangers picked him up at the Canadian border and he's on his way back to the city as we speak."

"They got him." Sighed Nick, the sick feeling in his stomach partially abating and allowing for a selfish wash of relief.

"Cabot and Novak are doing everything they can to hold him long enough for me to establish a locum SVU team to…."

"Wait? What?" asked Elliot, suddenly re-entering the conversation having only allowed Cragen's last words to penetrate his daze. "You're not replacing us already, cap?"

"You're still gonna work the case?" asked Nick, with renewed hope and a far less personal take on Cragen's call for backup than Stabler.

"Yes, yeah Elliot I am. I have to. The world doesn't halt on his axis because detectives get hurt. I can't shut down the 1-6 just because….."

"But…"

"Crimes didn't stop getting committed when Austin kidnapped Rollins and Tutuola. Rapists didn't call a time out when Benson collapsed. Our lives might be on hold but there is an entire city out there that doesn't give a damn, so I have two of the best guys in homicide and a loan from narcotics who are gonna work Zara's case and any other until…."

"I can't have this conversation right now…"

"It isn't personal, Elliot." Said Cragen firmly.

"The hell it isn't." He replied with equal grit.

"Nick is on the bench. Rollins and Fin are clammed up tighter than deep sea pearls about what happened up at that base and they are _both_ going to need to sit down with someone before they can work again. You're a wreck and Benson…"

"She is _not_ Benson right now."

"I know that….." said Cragen, softening slightly and realising that his own self-preservation had caused him to perhaps become cruelly cold and unnecessarily detached, "…don't think I don't care about her Elliot because I trust you to know me better than that. I'd give my own life for Olivia but I can't help her any more than you can right now."

"You made her captain. You put her in that office and….."

"You blame me for this?" but Cragen didn't need to ask the question. Merely realise a statement of fact.

"Elliot, man, that isn't fair…." breathed Nick, his entire chest in a vice at the intensity of what was happening between the two men in front of him.

"When she wakes up…" there was no hesitation, no question that she wouldn't, simply a refusal to acknowledge there was any room for doubt Cragen swallowed, "….tell Liv I was here. Tell her…just tell her…."

"You got it, cap." Nodded Nick, chocked.

"Do you think I don't blame_ myself_ for this Elliot?" asked Cragen, his eyes filling with devastating regret as he shrugged his shoulders heavily. "I pushed her too hard and if she dies I won't ever forgive myself. Believe that."

"Cap I…." murmured Elliot, shaking his head with a wordless desperation.

"But there are women and children in this city who need help and I will be damned if I'm going to let them suffer alone. I won't have that on my conscience too. Right now I don't know that any one of you will ever go back to SVU but whether we like it or not….." pursing his lips and saying that which none of them were ready to consider, "….life goes on."

* * *

><p>"This is not okay, cheekbones."<p>

Entering Olivia's room illegally in the hope of stealing a few moments with her before either Elliot or the nurses reappeared Fin padded barefoot across the linoleum. Taking up a perch on the plastic chair on her right side, deliberately avoiding the upholstered one that was very definitely Elliot's and Elliot's alone on her left.

"We had a deal. We had a deal, doll face, and you are _very much _reneging on it right now. I listened to your sorry ass whine on for months about Stabler and your secret baby. I lived through the Hayden era and only just survived to tell the tale. Now it's your turn. Now I've gotten myself in a…" not entirely sure what even he was planning on calling it in his own mind Fin heaved a sigh, "…. a situation."

"I can't talk to anyone else about it. I won't talk to anyone else about it, cheekbones. So you see? You don't have any choice _but_ to wake up, because we had a deal. We're each other's sponges. We clean up each other's crap. Well, get your mop out because I've got a real good one for you."

"I've spent the best part of two decades bitter and alone and then somehow in the space of three months I've found two women just crazy enough to want to hang out with me. Well, I say hang out. I think I'm in a triangle. Actually, if you count Amaro in then it might even be a square." Dropping his head into his hands and laughing with a self-deprecating disbelief that he, he Odafin Tutuola, had managed to find himself in a love bind. He didn't do love. He barely did random hook-ups with strangers these days.

"Warner is great. Melinda is better than great, she's good. That doesn't come along that often, trust me, I know. She's so smart it's insane, it's a little intimidating how straight up intelligent that woman is. She knows things, she understands things I could spend a lifetime trying to and still draw a blank. She's warm, she's kind, and she talks about wanting the same things I do. It makes so much sense. A quiet, easy, uncomplicated life. It wasn't perfect to start with but we ironed out a few kinks and we were all set to give it a go….." drawing his fingertips along the stubble at his chin Fin sighed, "….and there _is_ something there. I know there is. I wouldn't have started down this crazy road if I didn't honestly believe that. I'm not into bullshit. I would never have been that cruel."

"It's just I can't get someone else out of my head. She's messed up, she's gotten beat up by life and she's sure as hell a handful but….." running his fingers along the length of Olivia's arm Fin remembered how suddenly cold Amanda's body had gone once they had hit the water, and how his heart had stopped when he realised she was no longer breathing, "….she's under my skin."

"I'm glad I'm not the only guy talking to himself around here….." smiled Elliot, rapping lightly on the door and waiting for permission to enter.

"Hey dude, how's it going?" then, before waiting for an answer Fin smiled in reply. "And we're not talking to ourselves. She can hear us, can't you Liv?"

"Look I know we've not always seen eye to eye…."

"You mean you've always been a pain in my ass?" quipped Fin with a grin.

"I couldn't help but overhear some of…."

"Damn it Stabler, what the fuck?" prickled Fin, suddenly uncomfortably flushed and regretting having ever opened up in the first place.

"It won't leave this room."

"Because you know I'd hurt you if it did….."

"You wanna know what I think she'd say to you right now if she could?" said Elliot boldly, having realised over the past week that there was no place in this life for the unsaid.

"No…" snapped Fin, before reluctantly confessing, "…yeah, fine, whatever."

"Would you have told her to go Boston?" said Elliot with a quiet, steady delivery. "If she'd asked your advice would you have told her to go to Boston for a quiet, easy, uncomplicated life with David Hayden?"

"She never asked."

"Because she knew you'd give the answer she didn't want to hear. She trusted you knew her well enough to catch her in a lie. I might be an angry, pig headed, selfish son of a bitch but…."

"She loves your sorry ass."

"I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure no one who was ever really in love would say it was quiet or easy or uncomplicated."

"I'll leave you two alone a while…." Nodded Fin, rising from his chair and patting Elliot gratefully on the shoulder as he went to leave, "… thanks, dude."

* * *

><p>"I can't remember any of our kids ever being that tiny."<p>

"None of our kids ever were." Replied Elliot, turning to his ex-wife and offering her a warm smile to show he meant no ill with his statement. "He weighs just over 2lbs, Kath. That's less than a bag of damn sugar."

"How's he doing?" she asked, but before he had chance to answer the sleeping toddler in her arms began to snuffle and rub her face against Kathy's shoulder like a kitten. "Hey little one, are you waking up?"

"Imma…" pausing midsentence to stretch her mouth to a wide yawn Eve blinked doll like eyes and looked around, her whole face lighting up on seeing Elliot, "….. Daddy!"

"El…." scolded Kathy quickly as he immediately turned away, not even acknowledging Eve's presence, "… don't do this to her."

"I can't…." he murmured, pinning his eyes to a space on the wall opposite and refusing to turn around and face either one of them.

"You _have to_…." hissed Kathy, expert at keeping her anger level for the sake of a nearby child, "…. don't you see that?"

"She's so like her." He swallowed miserably.

"So take strength form that." She countered quickly.

"I…."

"For God's sake, Elliot!" suddenly unable to mute her frustrated disbelief Kathy allowed her voice to raise in a hoarse shrill. "If Olivia were stood here with you right now can you _honestly _tell me that she wouldn't kick your ass for being so damn selfish?"

"Hey…" surrendering and turning his head slowly Elliot dragged his lips to a smile, "… hey, baby. How is going, Mouse?"

"Daddy…." mumbled Eve's pursed, rose bud lips as her worried eyes searched her father's face for the reassurance he was not as broken as he looked. Grappling from Kathy's arms to his she coiled herself around his leg like a snake around a tree stump and clung for dear life.

"It's okay, baby girl. I gottcha, your Daddy's got you….." hugging her tight and breathing in the warm, sweet familiarity of her Elliot buried kisses in her soft little neck and murmured, "….everything's gonna be alright, baby girl."

* * *

><p>"You look like hell."<p>

"Thanks."

"Fin you shouldn't be out of bed yet….." cautioned Rollins with a shallow sigh and flash of smile as Fin materialized in her doorway, leaning against the frame with his lazy lopsided grin.

"Huh." He mumbled, with no words following.

"Hey, hey quit lookin' at me like that…." knitting her fair brows together Rollins shifted until she was sat up slightly in bed, then moving again as though trying to get out of the sun's heat on one of those unforgiving Georgia noon's she insisted, "….seriously!"

"You blushing over there, peach?" he teased, tilting his head and raising his forehead in inquiry.

"Clean through to my kidneys you asshole! What the hell's gotten into you?"

"You have…" replied Fin, walking slowly through the heady veil of tension between them and grabbing her with two bear like hands to the torso so he might hoist her from the bed and have her held as his, "…you have, Rollins."

"MOTHER FUCKER!" came the agonizing wail that caused him to drop her like a hot skillet on realising she was in no state to be seized dramatically.

"Yeah, yeah that hurt like a bitch on this end too…." he confessed at a wincing murmur as he clutched at his broken ribs and instantly regretted what had been an impulsive, almost savage instinct to grab that which he wanted more than anything.

"Okay now you're just straight up scaring me Fin so…"

"You are a really, _really _bad idea Amanda."

"You come in here like John freakin' Wayne and haul my fractured collar bone out of bed with two broken ribs and you're telling _me_ that I'm a bad idea you crazy….."

"You're stubborn and unpredictable and kinda unglued in the head. You love way too much and way too easy but when I thought you were worm food on that boat…." shaking his head longingly Fin laughed, a little breathless, and lay his fingers across her cheek, "…. it was like someone turned the damn lights off."

"I put orange juice on my cereal sometimes."

"What?" he asked, pulling a face.

"I fill out all those stupid quizzes in Cosmo and then obsess about what the answers mean. I secretly like country music and I lied when I transferred over to the NYPD….." her voice trembling slightly she gave a breathless laugh and confessed, "…. I can't really speak conversational Portuguese."

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked softly, as he moved both of his hands to her face and she melted at his touch, bringing their bodies gradually closer to one another.

"I really like bugs. I really, really like 'em. I used to sit in the mud for hours when I was a kid just putting them in little jars and figuring out what kind they were. I won't ever squish one even now."

"Are you going someplace with all this shit or are you just burning oxygen?"

"I _am _kinda unglued, and weird, and I am _nothing_ like anyone ever expects and…."

"Hey, hey…." he murmured gruffly, leaning down until his face was just a breath's distance from hers and then flashing that scandalous grin that made her heart skip, "….why'd you think I like you so much you crazy woman?"

"Huh…." closing his lips around her smile Fin kissed her hungrily, his mouth hot on hers as both forgot any pain or bruising until she was curled tightly into his chest and his arms were locked like a vice around her.

* * *

><p>"I'm gonna stick that one in the maybe pile. I know we've gotta keep the cost down but we're not that desperate. Then again, maybe we are. Do you care that you we'd have a washing machine in our bedroom? I don't know how I feel about that. I guess it's kind of convenient. You can just take your shirt right off and load it up ready for….." shaking his head and realising at some point he had become delirious Elliot tossed the house details into the largest of two piles and sighed, "….no, no Stabler don't be an idiot. Appliances in the bedroom is an immediate write off."<p>

"This one has three bedrooms so it checks one box more than the others right off the bat. A yard, a decent sized bathroom, it doesn't back onto a crack den from what I can tell….." twisting his lips to a smile and tossing his eyes at Olivia as she lay motionless in the bed beside him Elliot chucked, "….okay, okay I know, I'm not funny. Then again you didn't see the one I was reading about waiting for them to re-wire Sam's tubes earlier. He hit 2.10lbs, by the way. Did I tell you that already?"

"I'm gonna tell you it again anyways….." exhaling slowly Elliot set the house details in his hand down on the bedside table and leaned lightly over the mattress, "….because our boy weighs 2.10 whole pounds now. He's not giving into this crap, Liv. He's giving it everything he's got. Oh and you should see him in this tiny hat Fin got him. It's insane. It's no bigger than an egg cosy and it's a really strange blue. The best part is that when I got on Fin's ass for being out of bed long enough to go buy it he told me how he didn't move a muscle. He only sweet talked one of the poor nurses into going for him. What an idiot. What a guy. God there is _so much_ to tell you once you're….."

"I miss you." He said simply, suddenly, allowing it to stand alone like a skyscraper in the desert. A solitary, undaunted tower of immovable fact.

"I miss you so much it hurts and I know that's what people say. I know that's what every person in this hospital sat beside someone they care about is saying but I don't care. I feel like there is a freakin' building sat on my chest every single hour of every single day and I don't know how much longer I can take it. I come here and I see my son hanging onto life by his tiny, heartbreakingly small little fingers and I can't do a damn thing to help him. I hold my little girl while she screams, just _screams _for her mama and I can't make her understand and I can't tell her the truth. I can't tell her that most of the time I wish I could do the same but who's gonna hold me? Who's gonna hold me when I just sit down on the floor in the middle of the cafeteria and scream and scream and scream until I throw up peach yoghurt all over myself? I want to scream. I wish I could scream. I wish I could hit something or someone. I _need_ to just beat the living crap out of….."

"Hmmmmm…"

"I know you'd tell me I'm being an idiot. I know you'd tell me I can be angry all I like but it won't do any good so…."

"Uhhhhh…"

"Wait did you just….." freezing, sitting entirely immobilized Elliot stared so hard his eyes went dry, "…. do that again. Do it again. Damn it, Liv. It's is _very _possible that I'm so tired I'm going out of my mind so you're gonna need to do that again before I….."

"Uhmmmmm….." came the murmuring stir from beside him as slowly, painfully, the muscles in Olivia's face began to take life and her forehead lifted ever so slightly.

"Liv? Liv, baby? It's me, it's Elliot. I'm right here, you're okay, you're doing great, you're….." fighting hard against everything in his body that was so desperate to throw himself at her Elliot held back, instead gently laying one hand on her wrist and stroking it lightly while he pressed the nurse's call button with the other, "….. you're doing so great!"

"Umhhhhhh….." with an emphatic sigh Olivia peeled apart glued shut eyes, battling lashes with such effort they appeared weighted.

"Hi, hey, hey there beautiful…" he choked, holding himself together with every ounce of strength he could muster, knowing that she was too fragile for him to fall apart in that moment, "….. how you doing?" It was as if the world was suddenly coming back to her, a slow, steady trickle at first as life flowed back into her veins. Her eyes swam for a minute or two, struggling to focus after such a long time in darkness. Eventually they settled on his face, his drawn cheeks, sunken hollows around those heartrendingly familiar baby blues.

"Ouch….." she managed to croak, as he gave in to himself and sank down beside her, grabbing at her hand and kissing it with frenzied relief and transcendent deliverance.


	58. Falling Into Your Gravity

"How about this one Evie?"

"Red."

"Good job! What about this one?" asked Maureen, lying on her back on the living room floor of her childhood home and holding up different objects at Eve who sat on the sofa in front of her. "What colour is this house?"

"Lello."

"Good girl! You're rocking your colours today, aren't you?"

"Imma sharky-pants." Grinned Eve, her milk teeth proudly displayed as she clapped her hands and mimicked the fondly teasing name Dickie had given her the last time she had successfully answered all their questions.

"_Smarty_-pants…" corrected Maureen with a chuckle, clambering to her feet and clearing up some of the toys they'd been playing with, "… but yes, yes you are."

"Imma want a na-na…." slithering down from the sofa and wandering toward the kitchen she now found with ease, and the fruit bowl she often visited, Eve grabbed her snack of choice and announced, "… issa lello!"

"Hey, hey lady we don't just get to go take a snack without asking do we?" asked Maureen, not entirely sure of the rules in Eve's home but knowing Elliot had never allowed it in hers. "What do you have to say before you get your banana?"

"Issa lello." Said Eve, presenting it to Maureen hopefully.

"No, no sweetie not quite. What does your mommy make you say when you want something?"

"Mama…" said Eve, as Maureen silently cursed herself under her breath for walking straight into that one.

"Just 'please' that's all, you just gotta say please is all darling…" reassured Maureen, bending to kneel beside Eve and rub her back gently as she watched the toddler's big saucer like blue eyes fill with tears and her bottom lip begin to quiver, "…can you do that?"

"Peas…" said Eve as she handed the banana over to Maureen with a sudden disinterest.

"Hey, hey baby you want it?" sighing with the realisation that the little girl had entirely lost her appetite Maureen watched her pad hurriedly over to the sofa and scoop up the old US Marine t-shirt she was snuggling with increasing frequency. "Evie, sweetie…"

"No!" Came the firm reply as Eve scrambled back up onto the sofa and lay there, thumb tightly in her pouty little mouth and her free hand holding the t-shirt over her face.

"It smells like her mom…" explained Kathy, entering the room with a regretful sigh, "…she found it when I was at Olivia's place picking up some of her toys and clothes yesterday."

"Did you call Dad yet this morning?" asked Maureen, turning to her mother and waiting intently for her answer.

"Yeah, yeah and he sounded like hell. Something about the baby having stopped breathing overnight so they've had to intubate him through his windpipe instead of his nose and set up a different ventilator."

"Oh my God…" murmured Maureen, the image of her tiny, raisin like little half-brother filling her mind, "…and Olivia?"

"She's strong. She'll be fine."

"I'm not a kid anymore mom…"

"What would you rather I told you Maureen?" asked Kathy, not entirely sure of her place in all that was going on. "That her body went through just about the most traumatic childbirth experience possible? That she was out of it for days and now she's waking up to feeling like she got hit by the 1 train and her son is fighting for his life?"

"Yeah, yeah if that's the truth then that's what I want to hear. It's about time this family started hearing a little bit more of that."

"Sweetheart…"

"I wished her dead, mom."

"I…" mouthed Kathy, rendered speechless but bleakly understanding.

"I'm gonna run to the store…" rushed Maureen quickly, grabbing her purse from the countertop and in an attempt to sound unaffected adding, "… we're out of milk."

"What's gotten into her?" asked Kathleen, wandering into the scene having heard the screen door slam hard.

"I don't know…" said Kathy with a weary sigh, "… the same thing that's gotten into all of us I guess."

"Is that Dad's shirt that Eve's snuggling?" asked Kathleen casually, grabbing an apple and gesturing casually to the sofa where Eve had succumbed to sleep with the help of the only thing that brought her the comfort of security and familiarity.

"Yeah, yeah it is." Nodded Kathy with a determined smile of casual indifference. Her insides, meanwhile, where twisting with the same raw and unyielding tenacity they had the moment Eve had produced Elliot's favourite old shirt from Olivia Benson's bed smelling of her perfume.

* * *

><p>"I heard that Olivia woke up."<p>

"Yeah, yeah she's doing better…" nodded Fin, packing up the last of his stuff into a leather holdall, "… she's got a ways to go yet but she's tough, she'll be fine."

"Fin…" ventured Amanda, holding her arms folded across her chest and struggling to form the words. In truth she wasn't even sure, beyond his name, what she wanted to say.

"They've discharged me. Apparently all I need is rest and painkillers and I'm good as new."

"Yeah, yeah me too. They're working on my papers now. I should be out of here by noon."

"So this is then, we're done…" he nodded curtly, reaching for his jacket, "… it's over."

"I saw Warner waiting in reception…" swallowed Rollins with a cautious quiet, "…she here to pick you up?"

"She just showed up. I didn't call her. I mean I was gonna call her at some point but…" he was talking, there was noise, there were words coming out of his mouth and yet somehow none of them seemed to matter. They were all excuses after the fact. They were stalling tactics.

"I don't know what happens now."

"Me neither."

"I mean Cragen is back at the 1-6. He shouldn't be, but he is. Liv is awake but a long way from home safe and God knows whether that baby is gonna make it or not. Nick is in a better place but not a good one and we're…" shaking her head sadly with the realisation that nothing was as it once was, nothing would ever be again, and nothing was as it should be, "… we're nowhere. Everything is a mess. Everything is just a mess."

"I should get going."

"Fin I didn't dream it, that much I know. I didn't imagine what happened on that boat and I didn't imagine what's gone on in this hospital. It was real. Now if we're gonna walk out of here and forget everything. I can be okay with that. I mean I can't, but I'll try to be. Just don't try to act like it never happened, don't pretend like it was nothing because I might be crazy but I'm not an idiot and I won't be treated like one…."

"You're not crazy…" he said quickly, his voice deep and resounding, "….you're just not."

"No?"

"And I know it wasn't nothing..." asserted Fin unwaveringly.

"Then…"

"But we can't do this right now."

"Fin…"

"El and Liv need full time friends around the clock. Nick and Zara need to know that there is still _something_ left in this sick, messed up world that is good and hopeful. The 1-6 is crumbling around the Captain's ears and he and Munch can't hold the walls up on their own…" shrugging with a sadness like which he had never known before Fin sighed, "...we gotta help them."

"Okay." She swallowed, the reality sitting hard in her throat like rising bile.

"You said everything was a mess before and you're right, it is. Everything has gone to hell in a freakin' handcart and there isn't room in all of this crazy for..." grabbing his holdall and heading across the room with a grim, gritty determination to heed his own advice Fin paused for a moment at the door and met her eyes, "….well, for anything else."

"Okay."

"You know you keep sayin' okay but you don't look …"

"I get it." She replied, lest he doubt her sincerity. Yet the compliance didn't come easy, and it was written all over her face.

"It wasn't nothing, Peach…" he murmured, reaching out and steading her nodding head with light fingers on her chin before leaning forward and pressing his lips gently against hers and murmuring, "….it still isn't."

* * *

><p>"How are you feeling?"<p>

"Like I've been hit by a truck…" and then, because she had run out of fingers to count the number of times Elliot had asked her that in the last hour alone Olivia sighed with frustrated misery, "…still."

"I'm sorry…" with an equally weighted sigh Elliot leant forward and dropped his head into his hands, "… I'm just trying to…"

"I know you are." Said Olivia with a quiet, restraint that concealed the inward explosion of so many maternal grenades she could barely maintain a steady breathing pattern. "I know you are, El. But if you don't start filling in some blanks for me I'm going to lose my shit."

"I'm not supposed to…."

"I know that too." She countered quickly, losing the will and what little patience she had managed to muster. "I know that they've nailed you to the wall and told you I can't handle it. I have ears. From the moment I woke up I've been lying here listening to you all talking about me like I'm not here but I've got news for you Elliot…" though the words were spoken as a threat, in frustrated anger they were like music to his ears, "… I **am** here."

"Yes you are…" he smiled, despite her quiet rasping voice and inability to move much beyond her face Olivia's resilience and defiant strength had never radiated brighter, "…and I…."

"It's been six hours."

"Liv…"

"It has been six _hours_ since I woke up in hell and how _dare_ you keep me there?" she choked, the very blood pressure the doctors had been seeking to keep level shooting through the roof as she reached up a shaky hand and fisted a handful of Elliot's shirt. "I don't _give a damn _Elliot! I don't care what they've told you that you can or can't do you know me, you **know** me and you've lost your mind if you think that making me lie here in the dark is the right thing."

"They're just scared that you're…"

"You wanna know scared?" she challenge with a guttural croak. "Scared is waking up to realise your baby is gone from inside of you and no one will tell you a damn thing! Scared is looking your partner in the eye and knowing that he isn't telling you the truth when…"

"Okay, okay…" gasped Elliot, closing his eyes and taking a step back as she released his shirt from her grip. Rubbing his face and replaying all the doctor's warnings in his mind he sought desperately for the right thing to do. He knew these people, he trusted their medical knowledge and experience and they had already performed small miracles in bringing Olivia and the baby this far. They had warned him that her medical condition was still incredibly precarious, that even minimal fluctuations in her blood pressure or a rush of panic in her heart could have devastating effects until her body had been allowed to recover some of its strength.

"Elliot?" came a voice through his fog of uncertainty.

"Yeah." He said, not question, not statement, just something to say in order to maintain a dialogue. A dialogue that a few hours ago he had feared he would never engage in again.

"I know you're in hell too…" she whispered, holding out her hand for his and waiting for him to come to her before continuing, "… I know what you must've been through…."

"I could've lost you, Liv." Was all that he would ever need to say in explanation. "I could _still_ lose you..."

"You won't lose me."

"You can't..."

"Elliot look at me? Look at me?" she was tired now, he saw, in the dark rings around her eyes and the way her speech was beginning to slow. "I had a baby not a lobotomy. I'm not an idiot and I can see it in your eyes so just say it."

"I…"

"It's dead isn't it?" she swallowed, her hand still holding tightly onto his. "Our baby died. Didn't it?"

"No!" he rushed, realising what he ought to have realised so much earlier. The doctor believed he was saving her a world of pain and worry by keeping her in the dark, he believed so long as he didn't give her the lousy odds surrounding her son's survival that she would maintain a neutral position of hope. He didn't know her. He couldn't have known, the way Elliot did, that Olivia Benson's neutral position was not one of hope. It was one of devastating loss and an immediate assumption, based on past experience, that everyone eventually leaves. "No! No, oh Liv, oh Liv I'm sorry…."

"Elliot!" shaking her head, desperately seeking clarity in an unspeakably cruel world of ambiguity.

"He isn't dead. He's alive. He's tiny and he's fragile and he's a long way from being able to…"

"He?" as the world began to twist into focus Olivia drew long, steadying breaths. "We have a son?"

"Yeah, yeah baby we do….." kneeling on the linoleum beside her bed Elliot clutched her hand tight and rested his chin on the mattress, "…we have a son."

"Is he…is he…" she struggled, knowing from the pain in Elliot's eyes that the simple beauty of the moment was about to be devastated by whatever way he found to answer her next question, "….how is he?"

"He's got a real fight on his hands." Were the words Elliot finally chose, his body aching to watch Olivia's heart break in front of him.

"I wanna see him…" whispered Olivia finally, after a long while locked inside her own private pain, "… can I see him?"

"I'm working on it. I am. I'm trying to find a way but they can't move him out of the NCIU and you gotta stay here until they're sure you're strong enough to…"

"Elliot…" releasing her grip on what little strength she had left Olivia turned away and twisted her face into the pillow, stifling the uniquely excruciating sobs of a mother without her child.

"I'm so sorry Liv. I wish I could do something, anything to…"

"I'm fine." She sniffed, boring holes in the net curtains at her window and staring so hard at the tree behind them it felt as though her eyes might fall loose from their sockets.

"Hold still…" he instructed finally, when he realised there was nothing else he had to offer her.

"What?" she asked, turning her head as he un-tucked the crisp white hospital sheets from under the mattress and drew them back to expose her cornflower blue gown. "What are you doing?"

"Don't move. I mean it. Lie still…" he breathed, perching on the side of her bed and then clambering with the agility of a gentle giant into a horizontal position beside her, "… just lie completely still."

"Hi…" she breathed, feeling his warm body slide in beside hers.

"If anyone comes in this was your idea…" he said with a strained smile, teasing his fingers through hers and holding her drip fed hand fast while she reached with the other and lay it over his thigh, "… otherwise I'm pretty sure they'll arrest me for endangering a patient."

"El where's Evie?" she asked, testing the limits of her broken body and shuffling close enough to curl into his chest: where she belonged.

"Honest answer?" he asked, wriggling his arm under her neck while allowing her to take the lead and move only when and in a way she was comfortable doing.

"Is there any other?" not between them, he realised with a tender smile as he bent down and pressed a kiss against her hair.

"She's with Kathy."

"Kathy?" smarted Olivia with the muted volume and tone that exhaustion afforded her.

"I think kids are a mirror. I think that good or bad they reflect us. Sure they come into the world with some genetics. Eye colour, wonky ears, the awesome Stabler jaw…" inhaling deeply Elliot mused, "….but none of that stuff really matters. Maureen came to see me last week."

"Wow."

"She's got a little of Kathy's presence of mind but when she's mad she throws herself around like a fly at a screen. She bottles it all up until she can't stand being in her own head. Kathleen just explodes, she always has and I guess I'm to blame for that too, but Maureen lets it eat her alive. She's so like me, Liv. I see it and it kills me. I look at her and I see all the things in myself that…" as he paused Olivia felt his body deflate in a calming exhale, "….and then last week she said something that…"

"El?"

"She said that when things go bad families stick together..." knowing that she couldn't see his face Elliot allowed his eyes to glaze over as he added, "…she said that I taught her that."

"She was always going to come back eventually. She adores you Elliot."

"She told me that Evie is family too. She took her home and the girls have been looking after Mouse ever since. Kath says she's hardly had to lift a finger. They've fed her, played her silly games in the tub every night, read her all the stories she asked for. She's been spoiled rotten."

"I'm glad." Said Olivia, but he could hear the tinge of sadness in her voice that she stifled with the relief that at least Eve had been loved in her absence.

"What the girls don't know, what Kathy wouldn't let them see because they were trying so damn hard to look after her….." kissing her again, just because he could, Elliot smiled, "… was how sick she's been for her mama."

"God I need her here, El."

"And she needs to be here. I can't wait to see her little face when Kath brings her in tomorrow."

"Elliot I know I've asked you this before but….." drifting somewhere between awake and sleep Olivia murmured, "…tell me that it's gonna be okay. Lie to me if you have to. Just tell me that it's gonna work out, tell me that we're gonna be okay?"

"Are you gonna gonna go all Grey's Anatomy on my ass again anytime soon?"

"Not if I can help it." She chuckled, tugging agony at her stitches.

"You gonna quit being a wiseass and trust that the doctors know what they're doing?"

"Hey!"

"Do you love me?" he asked, lowering his chin and looking down to meet her chocolate brown eyes as they fought off much needed sleep.

"Yes…" she answered, without hesitation, "…and you know how much."

"Then I don't have to lie to you, Liv….." he murmured, forgetting his earlier caution and hugging her gently into him as he kissed her cheek lovingly and reassured, "….we're gonna be just fine."


	59. Partners

_**My lovely readers! Just wanted to take the time to write a quick note thanking you all so, so very much for all your kind words of encouratement/suggestion/review. It keeps me going with this and I am so grateful for the support. Another update so soon, I hear you ask! Yes, well as you'll see this one needed to stand alone as a mini-update. Or at least I felt like it did. Also I'm going to try update as much as I can in the next week as I'm moving to Canada the week after that so things might stall for a little while after that ;)**_

_**Hope you enjoy.. and again, thank you so much for reading and those who take the time to leave me a little note in review!**_

_**xxxx**_

* * *

><p>"I can do it."<p>

"I believe you."

"El…"

"No, no Liv. I won't help you do this. I won't…" he insisted, deliberately avoiding looking directly at her for fear he would succumb simply to the look of determined desperation in her eyes, "… and you should know better than to ask me."

"He is my _son_, Elliot."

"I know that." He replied steadily, knowing that with this much at stake and both of them so very tired things could so easily escalate to a fight she was in no medical condition to have.

"Do you?" she asked with incredulity at his calm indifference to her plight. "Only you don't seem to give a damn. You're keeping me here prisoner while my baby boy is God knows where in some other part of this hospital and I don't even know what he looks like!"

"He looks like a baby. All babies look the same…" maintaining his composure Elliot shrugged, "… only Sam's a little smaller."

"Sam?"

"Short for Samson."

"Okay…" drawing out the word with what was obviously muted indignation Olivia hitched herself up against her pillow, feeling to give herself a little more punching weight in their conversation, "…so you named him without me?"

"No, yes, not really…" sighed Elliot, rubbing his rapidly thinning hair and closing his eyes tightly, "… it's just what I've been calling him."

"Great, well that's just great. Clearly you've got everything taken care of. It's like you don't even need me so…"

"How **dare** you?" it was no use, she unwittingly lit the touch paper and it was now only a matter of time until the flame reached Elliot's bruised and battered heart.

"How dare _you_ Elliot! You decided I wasn't well enough to see Evie, you won't help me see baby who you've named while I wasn't even conscious and now you've got the gall to…."

"This isn't any fucking fun for me either you know!" yelled Elliot, stunning her into silence by the sudden, deafening change in his tone, volume and body language. Throwing his arms in the air and screwing his face up in agony he cried, "Do you have _any idea _what **I've** been through this past two weeks?"

"I…" she had not, in truth, given it a lot of thought. He was just there. He was always just there, the rock, the foundations on which she built. He was angry, volatile, loving, but above all he was invincible.

"I stood out in that corridor and had them tell me that I would lose you. That you would bleed out if they didn't deliver the baby."

"Elliot…"

"But then, then they tell me that there's like a fifty or so per cent chance that if they do he won't make it. Only I don't know that he's a he yet, because in my head all I can see is your face when we were joking about names. I see you smiling as you name her Elia after both of us and I want to tell them I can't do this. I can't be in this situation. It's too much. It was just a rock and an even bigger rock because either way I lost."

"I'm sorry…"

"They had you in theatre for hours and so I went to the NCIU and hung out with a baby who, by rights, shouldn't be alive. Only he was. He was tiny, and purple, and the ugliest and the most beautiful little thing I had ever seen and he was alive. Against the odds, against medical statistics your baby boy had made it that far. It was just me and him. Father and son. So I talked to him. I told him how we were in hole, right then. It was dark and it was deep and I had _no clue _whether or not we were all gonna make it out alive. I told him how he has this sister. How she has my eyes and her mama's smile and laugh. I told him how smart and funny she is, how she's gonna do something incredible with her life one day. Then it hit me. What happens to Mouse if you die? What happens to that bright, chatty little thing when she figures out her mama isn't ever coming back. It would change her. Losing you would change who Evie is forever, it'd change who she grows up to be. It'd change me too. It'd change all of us. So I told this tiny little raisin all the reasons why. All the reasons why you are the heart and soul of this crazy, complicated, messed up little family we've got going on here and I was more afraid that I have _ever_ been in my whole life."

"Elliot I love you and I'm sorry."

"I started calling him Samson because I told him the story from the bible. How God gave Samson the superhuman powers you gave our son…." Shaking his head warmly, Elliot relaxed his shoulders and slumped back down in the chair beside her, "… the same ones that make me believe you could probably walk yourself up to the NCIU if you set your mind to it."

"I won't. I won't…" she vowed, fishing off the side of the bed for his hand and then bringing it to her face for a tender kiss of apology, "… I'll wait. I'll wait till the doctor signs off on it. I promise."

"You know I'd have tried to get you up there if you'd asked me straight out, right?"

"Why'd you think I didn't." She replied. The pull of maternal bonds that drew her toward her son might have been strong but her rational mind and love for her partner and daughter were stronger. "I want to see Sam more than anything but I'm no good to him if I kill myself getting there."

"You just called him Sam?" asked Elliot, with a curious raise of his forehead.

"I like it…" she smiled, faintly at first before the corners of her lips drew to a loving beam, "…it feels right."

"Yeah?"

"Besides I got to name Evie so it was pretty much your call this time anyway."

"Samson Benson…" pronounced Elliot with a rush of pride, "… sounds good."

"Stabler." She corrected, waiting a moment before lifting her eyes to his and seeing tears he couldn't defy welling there. "Samson Stabler."

"Only Evie is Benson and…"

"Yeah, yeah I know but…" said Olivia, swirling circles on the inside of his palm with her fingertips, "… we should change that."

"Okay then."

"Elliot, Evie and Sam Stabler…" sighed Elliot contentedly, gazing down at his partner and adding warmly, "…and Liv."

"You know what maybe I change my mind about the kids' names…" she chuckled softly, "… I'm not loving that I kinda sound like an afterthought there."

"Yeah, yeah you kinda do…" he said with a slow, considered reply and one that caused an affronted brow in Olivia until he took her breath away adding, "…we should change that."

"El?" she asked, her heart in her throat.

"Man you know I had a whole thing planned. A ball game, dinner, there's a ring somewhere in the Diamond District but honestly…" shrugging with a shaky laugh Elliot, grabbed at her hand and held it tight, "… this feels more right than any of that bullshit ever could."

"Was that supposed to be some kind of proposal Stabler?" asked Olivia, her face a picture of dubious incredulity.

"Was that you saying yes?" he dared to hope.

"No, no it was not." She said with a flat dismissal. "Because I wasn't asked a question."

"Huh."

"Well?" she challenged, scooting her elbows under her slightly and shuffling back until she was sat more upright against the headboard.

"I love you. Always have, always will." Smiled Elliot, never having been more comfortable or self assured in what he was saying in his whole life. "I love you when you're burning breakfast wearing my old Marine shirt. I love you when your cussing like a sailor cos' your horrible at shaving your own legs. I love you even though you like the snacks better than the sport at ball games. I love you when you get that look in your eye after we watch an action movie late at night cos' even though you say it doesn't it totally turns you on. I love you even when you're driving me insane. I love you, even when I hate you a little bit. I love you all the time, Liv."

"I only burn breakfast because you distract me." She smirked wryly, as somewhere a doctor rolled his eyes at the level to which her blood pressure was currently soaring.

"So how about it? You gonna let me make you Mrs Stabler?"

"Maybe." She teased, still holding out for tradition and her funny kind of fairytale.

"Olivia Benson…" scooting from his chair and dropping his knees to the linoleum Elliot took a long, steady inhale of breath deep into his lungs and then locked her eyes on his, "… will you marry me?"

"Yes…" she murmured, their loving banter falling away and leaving only two people so deeply connected, heart and soul, that a legally binding contract seemed merely a formality, "…yes Elliot Stabler I will."


	60. Love In A Hopeless Place

"You sure you're up to this?"

"No more hoops, El." Warned Olivia, knowing she would surely strangle him if he attempted to stall her a second longer. "I have done _everything _you and the doctors have asked of me but I'm done. I am _fine_ and I can handle it and **I want to see my son.**"

"Okay then…." nodded Elliot, the material of his grey long sleeved shirt soft on her skin as he bent down and slid his arm gently around her waist, "… on three?"

"Yeah." She nodded resolutely, biting down hard as Elliot counted down and then slid her as smoothly as possible from her hospital bed and into the waiting wheelchair beside it. Taking a few months, and several steading breaths to recover she finally opened her eyes and looked up to meet his. "Let's do this."

"Yes m'am." Nodded Elliot, his own relief at seeing Olivia physically able to handle the trip up to the NCIU was profound. In his mind it was only moments ago when he was dragging her, white knuckled, back from the other side. Progress was slow, but tangible, and it gave him hope enough to keep plodding on.

* * *

><p>"Can I touch him?"<p>

"Not right now, honey. No. He's still pretty fragile and we're keeping him in a controlled environment until we're sure his immune system is up to invasive outside influences so…."

"Invasive outside influences?" asked Olivia, turning her head and looking between Elliot and the precocious young nurse stood guard beside him. "I am his mother, _honey_."

"Liv…." cautioned Elliot softly, reaching out a hand to the small of Olivia's back and rubbing it supportively.

"How much does he weigh now?" changing the subject and now keeping her eyes firmly locked on her son Olivia attempted to tolerate the nurse and the situation as best she was able.

"He's a solid 3lbs this morning which is incredible. Your son is really fighting back but we just need to get his breathing a little more stable and…."

"Can I get a minute?" lost in some other place, transcendent of the time and space of reality Olivia whispered "Just me and him?" Asking it not just of the nurse, but of Elliot's as well Olivia waited with a patient quiet for them to reluctantly agree and leave the room.

"Hey Sam….." she said, the words shattering the silence of a room otherwise only feather light breathing and the gentle beep of machines, "….hi, it's your mom."

"We had a bit of a rough ride there, huh baby boy?" laying her hand ever so lightly against the glass Olivia curled her fingers protectively and swallowed hard. "I guess we still are. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry this is all so horrid for you. You must be pretty scared. It isn't supposed to be like this. You were supposed to hang out with me a little bit longer. I was supposed to help you get big and strong enough that when you came out into the world you were ready for it. Your lungs would've been bigger, your kidneys quicker, and your heart stronger. Only life doesn't always work that way Samson. Sometimes it is cruel, and harsh, and things _never_ turn out quite the way you expect them to. You're learning that earlier than most people have to but it's going to make you tougher than you know. Trust me when I tell you baby boy that if you can handle this, if you can survive this then you can survive _anything _this world throws at you."

"And you don't ever have to do it on your own. Not ever. Your dad is the strongest, bravest pain the ass I know and he won't ever let anything hurt us. Not you, not me and not your big sister. Oh and Evie gonna _love _you. She's gonna drive you insane most of the time but she'll have your back. And so will I Sam. All you gotta do is hang on in there, all you gotta do is just keep breathing, just keep breathing baby boy….." closing her eyes around thick, warm tears Olivia gazed down at her son and stroked repeatedly at the incubator glass, "… just keep breathing sweetheart, just keep breathing….."

* * *

><p>"MAMA!"<p>

"Jeez lady lou….." exclaimed Fin, almost dropping Eve as the toddler wiggled her torso and kicked her legs in a desperate freedom bid on seeing her mother for the first time in what felt like a lifetime, "…. I think you just popped my left eardrum."

"Hi baby!" gasped Olivia, blinking back tears and shuffling herself a little further up the bed in preparation to land her incoming daughter. "How are you?"

"Imma Ee-vee….." said Eve, her chubby little thighs and knees scrambling to hug herself as tight into her mother as possible as she threw her arms around her mother's neck and clung in a way that felt to Olivia as though she planned to never let go, "… issa mama."

"Yeah, yeah mama's here now baby girl…." folding Eve into her arms Olivia inhaled the intoxicating scent of baby shampoo and butter fingers and smiled adoringly, "…. and I _missed you_ Evie Grace."

"Gotta boo boo?" asked Eve, wriggling herself enough distance to note the IV line into the back of one of Olivia's hands and the intrinsic sense that her mother was not completely well.

"Sort of, baby….." stroking her index finger down Eve's squashy button nose Olivia soothed, "… but I'm okay."

"Issa lello….." bending down and leaning forward Eve fingered the patent leather of her laced little boots proudly, "… so purdy!"

"They _are_ cute….." and then, like warm honey to Eve's ears Olivia added, "… they're big girl boots, aren't they?"

"Yesh." With only a slight lisp as the air cut around still growing milk teeth Eve waited a beat before flashing a bright grin.

"The Stabler girls took her shopping…." explained Fin with a chuckle, "….I don't know which one of those crazy kids had more fun."

"Is it wrong that I don't know whether to be grateful….." ventured Olivia quietly, "… or insanely jealous?"

"You'll be back on your feet again soon. Don't you dare give yourself a hard time about this, doll…." instructed Fin, in such a way that Olivia felt she ought not disobey him.

"I just ever want her to forget me." Though it were not a reality now there had been a moment, when she had been drifting in an out of consciousness on the floor of the precinct, where she had wondered what Eve would remember of her if she hadn't survived.

"Are you kidding me?" scoffed Fin with amusement. "Baby girl hasn't shut up about you for the past two weeks. She's got you on a pedestal so high it's a wonder you've not got vertigo."

"What've you got there, sweetie?" asked Olivia with a breathy, exaggerated gasp that pleased Eve as she produced a toy from the pocket of her sweater. "That's so cool, it's all shiny and blue."

"Liv whether she was sleeping at mine or over in Queens she wouldn't settle unless she was snuggling some old grey t-shirt of yours….." flashing her a uneven smile Fin shrugged, "… because it smelled like her mama."

"Wow."

"Yeah, yeah no she's got some insanely strong attachments to you so….."

"No, no I just..." rolling her eyes and feeling suddenly painfully small Olivia mumbled, "… that shirt isn't mine. It's El's. I sleep in it sometimes but it's one of his old Marine t-shirts and…."

"Well _that's_ gotta sting." Winced Fin, imagining the stomach drop Kathy must've experienced on making the same connection.

"Everything comes at a price, Fin….." whispered Olivia, pressing kisses against Eve's hair, "….everything."

"Hey Liv?"

"What?" she asked, tossing him a fleeting glance as Evie's sausage fingers stroked her thigh absentmindedly while colouring in her puzzle book.

"Nothing." mumbled Fin, before impulsively climbing out of his seat and leaning over the bed. Wrapping his arms around Olivia tightly he closed his eyes and breathed her in, hugging her close and pressing a firm, loving kiss against her cheek. "That's all."

"I'm kinda glad you're not dead either."

"You heard about that, huh?" he smirked, slumping back into his seat as she blinked away the tears that had misted at her eyes and smiled wryly back at him.

"Ermm yes, yes I did. Quite the adventure you and Rollins had there, very James Bond."

"He makes that shit look like too much fun. Trust me; there ain't nothing fun about floating down the Hudson in a glorified lilo."

"They got the guy in the end though right? El said Cragen called and Cabot nailed him to the wall."

"Yeah."

"You still got it, Odafin."

"I got a problem, cheekbones." Said Fin, undoubtedly relieved to have safely secured Dr Austin a place behind bars for his actions against Zara Amaro and yet in his troubled heart he was quite somewhere else. "A big one."

"Spill….." relaxing into the pillows behind her Olivia encouraged Eve to snuggle into her and then sat back and gave Fin her complete, undivided attention, "…. what's going on?"

"I don't wanna go to Boston."

"Okay…." said Olivia with a slow, lingering uncertainty of meaning, "….do I need to contact TARU or are you gonna decode this one for me and save some time?"

"I'm not a cheater. I don't do that shit it's messed up. I was the biggest pain in your ass when you were screwing around behind Hayden's back because he didn't deserve it. He was a good guy and he was offering you a great life."

"Okay Barbara Walters this better be going somewhere or….."

"I get it now."

"Get what?"

"Why you were so chicken to go all in with Stabler." Said Fin quietly, cracking his knuckles and struggling with himself in a way that he never had before.

"You're not in love with Warner, are you?" asked Olivia, anticipating his next confession.

"I want to be. I wanted to be. We work. For the first time in as long as I can remember I….."

"Fin…"

"It felt right. I felt good. It was great. I just didn't know that it wasn't everything until…."

"Until what?" he was in too much pain for Olivia to express to him how difficult it was to decipher his continuous stream of unfinished sentences.

"I just guess I figured out now that she won't ever mean more to me than David Hayden did to you."

"Fin you gotta get your shit together. You gotta figure out what you're doing here or you're gonna really mess yourself up. If it isn't Warner then you have to tell her. You have to have that conversation. If she's not what you want then…." realising there was a considerable piece of the puzzle missing Olivia asked suddenly, "…. what _do_ you want?"

"Peach pie."

"Okay now you've totally lost me but….." knowing that glaze over his eyes, the awkward angle of his left brow, the way his cheeks were dimpling as he chewed on them from the inside Olivia understood what he needed from her in that moment, "….hey Odafin?"

"What of it doll face?" he smirked, watching Evie struggle to reach a blue crayon and leaning forward to help her.

"We got your six…." stated Olivia with a steady, resolute tone and smiling eyes, "… don't forget that."

"There was this dumbass Disney movie going cheap. I picked it up. Kinda thought if she had nothing better to do baby girl might wanna chill at my place tonight…." feigning indifference, but inwardly hanging off her answer Fin shrugged, "… you be cool with that?"

"You need El to fetch anything?"

"Nope, no I got clothes and her little bed all set out. It's a done deal."

"Yeah, yeah it is." Smiled Olivia with a slow nod. "Hey so I have to tell you something."

"If you're moving to New Mexico then I will kick your ass, cheekbones."

"New Mexico?" asked Olivia, pulling a face. "Why would I be moving there?"

"You say yes?" asked Fin, his eyes betraying he already knew what she was about to confess.

"How did you…"

"Stabler knows how this works…." curling his lips to a smile Fin raised his forehead, "… he came to me."

"He did?" asked Olivia, surprised and strangely warmed at the notion. She belonged.

"I look really good in pink taffeta…." lifting his shoulders with a wry smirk Fin added, "… just sayin' babes"

"Fin I spent thirty years trying to convince myself I was just fine on my own and then I spent the next fourteen years trying to convince myself that I _certainly_ didn't need Elliot Stabler. I thought it made me strong. Stronger than all the people who just gave it up and admitted than we _all_ need someone and sometimes we need someone specific but I was wrong. So yeah, yeah I said yes…." tilting her head and trusting that whoever it was that had gotten him so completely tied up in knots was worth the fight Olivia sighed, "… and you should too."

* * *

><p>"Stop it."<p>

"Stop what?" smiled Elliot, having returned in time for evening visiting hours to find Olivia sleeping more soundly than she had in days.

"Watching me sleep….." keeping her eyes closed Olivia yawned and attempted to stretch out, wincing slightly at the rippling effect of aching pain the motion had on her battle weary body, "….you know I hate it."

"I called Fin to check in. There's an intense viewing session of Tangled going on over there and I could hear Mouse in the background getting impatient…." smiling fondly as he recalled Evie's strident little voice Elliot sighed, "… she didn't want to stop the movie long enough to talk to her old man so I took that at as a good sign."

"God I miss her."

"You'll be home before you know it." Assured Elliot, watching her strength coming back with every minute that passed.

"El what the….." breathed Olivia, bringing her left hand closer to her face and wrapping her fingers to a fist to examine the exquisite white gold band and delicate diamond sitting on her ring finger, "…. oh my…."

"You like it?" asked Elliot, leaning his elbows on the edge of the bed and grinning hopefully.

"Like it?" she murmured, staring in rapt disbelief. "Elliot it's….." shaking her head and realised she had lost the power of speech she ignored the pain in her lower abdomen and fell straight forward, catching his lips on hers and kissing him until it didn't hurt anymore.

"Okay so hold on to how awesome you think I am right now….." feeling his mouth draw to a smile against hers Olivia opened her eyes slowly and pulled away.

"What did you do?"

"I'm gonna just give you the top three."

"How long was I out of it?" quipped Olivia, settling back against the headboard and playing with her new ring with the fingers on her free hand as Elliot squirmed in his seat. "Go on then, from the top.…."

"Don't move the poster I've taped up outside Evie's room."

"You punched a hole in one of my walls didn't you?" groaned Olivia, rubbing her temples.

"You were in surgery, I wasn't allowed to see Sam, Evie was all kinds of cranky and I couldn't find any of the stuff I was meant to be taking over to Kathy's so I just…."

"Of course you did. You're you. Okay, fine….." shaking her head and breezing past the first test of her nerve Olivia tilted her head in challenge, "….next?"

"I was in kind of a rush to leave and I thought there was enough room to reverse out of that parking space right outside your place."

"Let me guess…." pre-empted Olivia, with a slant of her right brow, "….there wasn't?"

"See how shiny that diamond is?"

"Am I still going to be wearing it after I hear your third confession?"

"How close were you with the guy who lives in 4E?"

"What did you do?"

"I don't think you need details….." proffered Elliot with an attempt to casually downplay the situation, "…. I mean the guy is a total asshole so it's no great loss now that you're not speaking to him."

"I'm not speaking to him?" asked Olivia sceptically.

"Not when you confess to knowing me you won't be." Explained Elliot, with only a slight flinch.

"How hard did you hit him?" she sighed, throwing her head back against the pillow behind her and shaking her head despairingly.

"Does it matter?" asked Elliot in the hope it didn't to her.

"It will do when our rent goes unexpectedly through the roof next month…." reaching across and gently stroking his face, before giving it a sharp shove to the side Olivia groaned, "….the guy in 4E is my landlord, slugger."

"What kind of landlord just randomly lives in one of his own apartments anyway?" prickled Elliot defensively. "He was asking for it."

"Why? Was he hogging the Xbox, baby?" mocked Olivia, poker faced.

"You're funny." Muttered Elliot with a strange and enigmatic expression.

"Okay now I really am curious…." she said, taking the bait, "… what'd he do to piss you off?"

"Forget it. I was being an idiot, it was nothing….."

"Elliot?" she tested, waiting for his eyes to settle on hers as he deliberated whether or not to reply with the truth.

"He talked about you like you were a piece of meat. He said how you were the hot 'piece of ass' opposite that he had neglected to 'tap' before I moved in and 'salted his game'…." narrowing his eyes, incensed at the memory, Elliot seethed, "….amongst other things."

"El you know I can take care of myself and I don't give a crap what he says…." she laughed softly, with a loving gratitude at his defending her honour, "…. the guy is a moronic but harmless ass who's been spouting that bullshit since the day I moved into the building."

"I know you can take care of yourself and you might not give a crap but I do….." replied Elliot with steady calm, his eyes glinting as he added at a murmur, "….and you weren't my fiancée all the other times he got away with it."

"Huh."

"Am I forgiven?" flashing his best choir boy smile Elliot held little doubt that he could melt her on any transgressions against material objects. Olivia did not place huge importance on anything replaceable, which boded well for him.

"You need to stop hitting things. My walls, my landlord, parked cars…." she listed, examining the receding hair lines at his upper temples with gentle fingertips before pausing to smile, "… but I didn't hate it when you called me your fiancée just now."

"You wanna come up and say goodnight to Sam with me?"

"More than anything….." she sighed, closing her eyes and then opening them exhaustedly, "… but I made someone a promise that I wouldn't overdo it and I think I'm done for today."

"Yeah?" he asked, with delight and surprise that she was seemingly starting to listen to her body and respect the time it needed to heal.

"No …." unable to maintain the pretence Olivia pulled back the sheets from her knees and dangled her legs over the side of the bed, "….give me a hand up?"


	61. This Disappearing World

"It won't ever be the same."

"No."

"I joked. I was witty in my melancholy but now it's just….." allowing watery eyes to drift around the empty shell of what had once been a honey pot of SVU activity John Munch sighed heavily, "… well it's just sad."

"They'll breathe life back into this place before too long. I've said it before and I'll keep saying it. Life goes on, John. They won't run sex crimes out of homicide forever it just isn't practical. The work load is insane even with the overlap, even with the injection of borrowed manpower from other precincts."

"I heard some of the old boys chewing the cud over a beer the other night. Saying how the bleeding hearts finally bled out. It was almost sick enough to be funny considering what happened to Liv…."

"Almost…." Interjected Cragen firmly, "… but that won't ever be funny. Not to any one of us."

"Why'd you think I left the bar?" laughed Munch with a sadness that Cragen had never known in him before, despite him being the single most melancholic soul he had ever befriended. "They're idiots. They're not my people. This lot are; or were."

"And will be again." Said Cragen, managing to articulate a confidence he didn't possess.

"No, no we're done here. That place, that time, those people. Stabler won't come back to SVU again. Nick already put his papers in. Benson is lucky to just be alive and with those two kids so young I don't think we'll see her back any time soon."

"Fin isn't going anywhere. So long as you two are partners and Rollins is willing to put up with you both, we've got a team. We're stronger than the sum of our parts. Always have been, always will be."

"Everything changes."

"I know."

"What about you, Captain?" asked Munch with a lingering calm. "Scuttlebutt had it that you were lining up Benson to be your replacement. That you were testing her with the Amaro case with a view to…."

"It's working, John….." confessed Donald Cragen, saying it aloud for the first time since he had been given a much more hopeful prognosis from his oncologist, "….the chemo."

"You wouldn't lie to an old man?"

"Finally they seem to have found a cocktail of drugs that hits the spot. I'm in the least excruciating point in the cycle right now so I think I'm game to tackle another round of that shit….." exhaling slowly Cragen smiled, "… especially now there would seem to be a point to it."

"Coffee?" asked Munch, rising from his chair and heading toward the pot.

"Sure…." said Cragen, before realising that it was just possible he was not the only one with no desire to go home to an empty apartment, "….you hungry?"

"Sure, yeah I could eat."

"I can't taste a damn thing so you choose."

"Lebanese…." decided Munch after a few moments of contemplation and a brief root around in his draw for a menu he had found in the crib a few weeks previously, "….it's a cuisine I've never tried before."

* * *

><p>"Things are going to be different from now on buddy."<p>

"They are?" asked Zara, twisting a wooden spoon around her cake batter mix and looking up with a floury face at her father. "Why?"

"I dropped the ball, Zara. After your mom died I let things slide. I went someplace else, far away from here, and I let you down. I'm sorry. I wasn't there when you needed me most and I made things harder for you when it was already as bad as it could be."

"It's okay…." shrugged the child, strong in her ability to forgive and empathise with the shortcomings of both of her parents over the years, "… you were sad."

"I guess I was."

"That's what Mandy told me. That it wasn't your fault and I couldn't be mad at you for being sad. I was sad too….." reaching out a sticky, batter covered hand Zara lay it on top of Nick's and smiled, "… but we're doing better now, right Dad?"

"Amanda really helped you out when things were rough, huh?" sighed Nick, ashamed that had hadn't realised what had been staring him in the face all along.

"She's great, she's awesome…." and then, voicing that which both of them were thinking Zara added quietly, "….and I miss her."

"What if we go away for a little while, buddy?" he asked, the idea still forming in his mind as he spoke. "What if we take a vacation somewhere neither of us have ever been before? We could go to Alaska? I hear there are some pretty cool things see and do in Florida? We could take that trip to Disneyland we never quite managed with your mom?"

"Can Mandy come with us?" he supposed he ought to have seen that one coming. It was the natural progression given their conversation and the security which Rollins had provided for Zara over the past year. She had been there when he had failed to be and he had never told her how truly grateful he was for that, and how much it would always meant to him. How much she meant to him.

"You know what I guess we can ask her, can't we? She might be busy, she might not want to come, she might….."

"But we can ask her?" beamed Zara, her little mind ticking over the possibilities that lay ahead where once there had only been darkness and grief.

"Yeah, yeah buddy we can ask her…." ruffling her hair and muscling in on the baking action Nick smiled warmly, "….we'll bring her over here for dinner this week and we'll all talk about it."

* * *

><p>"I think I had this idea of us. Like the kind of feeling you get on a Sunday morning when you wake up and the sun is warm and the city is as still as it's ever gonna get and you just breathe. You just lie there breathing and it's easy and it's comfortable and you just float in it."<p>

"That sounds nice." Said Fin, because he genuinely could not think of a single thing else to say Melinda Warner was so exquisite in that moment.

"But all the while you know it won't ever last. It can't ever last. The city starts waking up and crashing in through your window and that bubble you were drifting in pops all over your face."

"You're a damn fine woman."

"And you're a good man, Fin. A really good man. I don't think you know _how_ good you are…." smiling, right into the lines around her eyes Melinda added, "….or any idea of how great a man you could be if you took the damn handbrake off."

"You trying for a car analogy there Dr Warner?" he smirked, relieved of the tension a little bit by the shades of familiar in her otherwise prophetic dialogue.

"Olivia Benson unlocked something in you. I don't know how she managed it and I sure as hell don't understand how two people as locked up and tied down by their own demons as you two ever….." shrugging, because all that mattered was what she said next Melinda sighed, "… but the point is that she changed you. Slowly, gradually, without you even really noticing it she wormed her way in through a chink in your armour. You were always pretty damn loveable Tutuola, but somehow Liv has made it so you actually might let someone do just that: love you."

"Why the hell did that asswipe of a husband ever let you get away?" marvelled Fin, wondering in some ways why he was doing going one worse. Why he was giving her up. "He was an idiot and I am too."

"A guy who jumps into the freezing cold Hudson at five AM and hauls ass like roadrunner on crack to save a girl's life is most definitely either an idiot….." hating that her eyes were filled with tears of envy, disappointment and a poignant appreciation for a kind of unreserved, all-consuming love she had never known Warner swallowed, "… or he sees her as a little bit more than just his partner."

"I hate this."

"Me too." She agreed.

"This shit might be pretty lucrative for Taylor Swift…." mumbled Fin, uncomfortable in his own skin suddenly, "….but I remember now why I don't get here."

"If you never get here, if you never take a risk, you never get anywhere. And _tell me_ you're not a Taylor Swift fan? I thought more of you Tutuola."

"I hear stuff. I know where the kids are at."

"Don't be a stranger, Fin."

"Who else is gonna do the leg work on cases for me?" he teased gently, his arms twitching at his sides until she met him halfway and they hugged each other tight.

* * *

><p>"What if I'm not close to him?"<p>

"What?" asked Elliot, pausing in his organisation of the plastic cups on the tray at the end of Olivia's bed.

"What if all I remember of him is how I felt like I was drowning and I couldn't get any air. I was kicking, hard, with everything I had but I couldn't get to the surface and I had no clue if he was alive or dead inside of me. How there was this moment, somewhere between breathing and not breathing where I realised that it would be so much easier to just give up."

"Liv…."

"What if all he remembers of me is how he was ripped out of me? How that warm, safe little cocoon he'd been in was just gone. Gone and it was all my fault, and now he's clinging onto life by fingernails he barely had chance to grow. Scared to death surrounded by all these tubes and wires and machines and….."

"My _God_….." breathed Elliot, stunned by the sudden eruption of all that Olivia hadn't been saying in their comfortable silence. Had she been thinking it? Could it be that this is all she'd been thinking since the moment she's woken from her coma?

"What if I can't love him the way I love Evie?" suddenly he realised no, no _this_ was the question she had been asking herself all this time.

"Of course you can. It will get better, things will get better. They just will."

"I don't know if I can do this Elliot….." said Olivia, barely audible as Elliot stopped what he was doing instantly and swooped over to sit close beside her on the bed.

"Of _course_ you can, Liv. You're just overwhelmed is all. Anyone would be, any woman would be. This pregnancy was hard from the start. Evie is still so little, you were back at work, it was one of our own whose kid we were trying to help and…."

"I think mostly it's…. that it's…."

"What?" he pushed, knowing that there were only brief moments in which the onion was soft enough to allow him to peel back a layer.

"It's hard to start a family….." it was easier somehow, she realised, to talk into his eyes than it was to look away, "….when you've never been part of one before."

"I know. I know it is and you're exhausted. I know you are…." he sighed with a loving empathy and a soft, understanding gaze, "… but you're doing better. The doctor said so this morning, didn't he?"

"I guess."

"Another few days and I can take you home."

"What about Sam?" the strain of shattered panic in her voice broke him as she shook her head and looked away. "He's down under 3lbs again, not much more than when he was first born. If I could just feed him then maybe…."

"This is just temporary, Liv. That's all this is. Once he's gotten a little stronger then you can feed him and we can…"

"No, no I can't…." she whispered with a tender wince, "….the midwife said after all the blood I lost, my body going in to shock and this long apart from him my milk just…."

"That isn't everything. It isn't. And I know that isn't what you want to hear but it's the truth. Nothing we have _ever_ done has turned out quite the way we planned but it didn't stop it being really great in the end. Let them keep slinging mud, we can take it…." exhaling, battle scared but determined to keep fighting Elliot murmured, "… but we've just got to keep going. Keep just walking one foot after another."

"And punching one fist after another?" she laughed, despite everything.

"I've got my ways of coping…." twisting the corners of his mouth upward slightly Elliot reached out and stroked her face lightly with rough fingertips, "….you should try it sometime. It might help."

"I think I'm good."

"I mean it, Liv."

"You want me to punch something?" she asked, staring up at him bewilderedly.

"I want you to get mad, get sad, do whatever you need to do and trust that I can handle it."

"El…."

"That's how this works. That's how this has always worked and it's no different than when were on the job together. That ring is me saying I get to be an angry son of a bitch and you can get mad as hell at me for it but you can't walk away….." swallowing slowly Elliot leant forward and brushed a kiss lightly against her cheek and whispered, "… and that what goes on in that head of yours scares the crap out of me but I'm not going anywhere. Not ever."


	62. If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It

_**Hello all! So this is where this story ends. I anticipate reactions being strong and not necessarily all positive and so that meant more than ever I wanted to write a little note to head this up. Basically as I've mentioned before I'm moving to Canada tomorrow and so my 'real life' will be turned upside down. I love writing, I'm taking my laptop with me, and I hope to be inspired and refreshed and even more enthusiastic about creating than ever before….. eventually. I have no idea, however, when the next chance I'll get to fanfic will be. So on that basis when I felt that there were threads in this story coming to a natural, shall we say, crossroads I've decided to use that.**_

_**I have absolutely loved reading all your comments and they've been such an encouragement and inspiration to keep going with this. I've taken them all on board and to heart. So on that note, if you would like to see a sequel to this story… and to find out what happens to all of our gang after the close of this chapter please say so. I will absolutely do everything I can to find the time to keep writing and posting here if you do. Again, thank you so much for all your support and I look forward to carrying on writing here from the other side of the pond! Xx**_

* * *

><p>"What noise does a cow make, baby girl?"<p>

"Moooooooo!" with the low, mournful sound that was actually impressively bovine Eve held her face straight for just exactly as long as Olivia managed to. It wasn't long after a twinkle of laughter and a grinning smile from her mother infected her, and throwing herself back against the mattress the toddler giggled at her own silliness.

"You're a funny girl, Evie Grace. You're a funny, funny….." laughing long and hard, and finding it amazingly therapeutic Olivia reached out with both hands and tickled her fingers up and down Evie's torso, "…. funny girl!"

"No mama!" eyes wide and mouth smiling so wide her chubby cheeks formed into perfect little rosy apples Eve wriggled and shrieked with delight. "No, no, no….." and then when, just in case she meant it, Olivia stopped playing her little face fell in disappointment, "… more mama, gain-a-gain!"

"Mama's tired now baby…." under strict instruction she was not to lift anything heavier than a television remote Olivia wrapped her palms gently around Eve's bare feet and dragged her slowly up the bed and into the space between her legs, "….let's play a new game."

"Hi….." beamed Eve, quite contentedly to just lie before her mother and watch the changing expressions on her face. The way her eyes danced, the way she pursed her lips, the way her bangs fell into her face and teased peekaboo.

"Hi…." murmured Olivia, her mouth fallen slightly open as she stared down in awe at the tiny piece of heaven she had created, "… hi there to you too little lady."

"Up! Up?" holding her arms and hands outstretched Eve knew exactly what she wanted, what she needed in that moment.

"You gotta come get me, baby. Mama can't bend down so you gotta come up here….." spreading her arms out left and right Olivia tilted her head slightly and encouraged, "… come on then?"

"Love you…." breathed Eve, her little mouth warm on Olivia's collar bone as she squished her face into her mother's skin and breathed in her familiarity, "… love you like a spoon."

"To the moon." Translated Elliot, wandering back into the room with a coffee and an adoring paternal smile.

"Thanks, thanks that would've taken me a while to de-code..." and then, raising her eyebrows hopefully Olivia asked, "… that for me?"

"Craving coffee?" asked Elliot with surprise. "You must be feeling better today."

"I'm pretty sure I can't drink caffeine but just bring it over here so I can smell it at least."

"Hey Mouse…." Setting the coffee cup down on Olivia's bedside table Elliot called for his daughter's attention, before holding out two clenched fists in front of her, "…pick a hand."

"Peek-a-hand…." snickering to herself as she repeated the sounds her father made Eve snuggled into Olivia and shook her head, "….peek-a-mama."

"You gotta pick one, baby…." smiled Elliot, watching life trickling back into Olivia the more time she spent with Eve, "….which hand do you want?"

"This one….." extending a chubby finger Eve pressed the pad of it against the back of Elliot's hand and waited with anticipation, "….issa for E-vee?"

"Good job, kiddo….." revealing the wrapped chocolate in his hand Elliot handed it to her and ruffled her hair lovingly, "….a kiss from your old man."

"Do I get a kiss from her old man?" asked Olivia, not at all surprised when Elliot's face twisted to an impish smirk and he got up out of his chair and puckered up.

"Absolutely…." he grinned, leaning back in for a second and longer lingering kiss that for the first time since Sam's birth tasted of their fire and not their fear, "….hmmmm…."

"I meant a Hershey kiss….." clarified Olivia, though not dissatisfied with her alternative.

"Huh….." murmured Elliot, moving his hand over hers and releasing a second candy into her palm, "… figured you might."

"You had one in both your hands?" she scoffed, rolling her eyes with something between a withering look and loving appreciation. "You are going to _ruin_ her Elliot Stabler."

"So they're just changing Sam's tubes….." ignoring her gentle berating of how he spoiled his youngest daughter Elliot asked, "… you up to a visit when they're done?"

"Yeah, yeah sounds good. I was thinking though….." realising Eve had somehow managed to get half the foil wrapper from her candy into her mouth Olivia began to extract it as she added, "….you reckon they'd let us bring her with us?"

"Maybe just for a peek in the window if nothing else." Nodded Elliot, encouraging of this seeming change of wind direction in Olivia. While the concept of family may still be new to her it was evident, to him at least, that it was where she got her strength.

* * *

><p>"Is it insane that I feel like I'm being punished?"<p>

"For your nasty taste in music?" asked Fin, ignoring Olivia's intended meaning as he tossed an royal flush onto the table between them.

"It's just unreal."

"Liv….."

"I got the guy." She shrugged, sniffing slightly and turning away to gather herself so that she might hold together what was fast unravelling at the seams. "That's where it's supposed to stop. That's where the movie ends. No one tells you how to handle what happens next."

"El said you were doing great. You had a good visit with the little lady and you were almost ready for them to sign you out of this place…."

"I want to be happy, Fin."

"Okay Liv….." taking the cards from her hands Fin slid to the edge of his chair and set his warm palms down on her knees, "… you're starting to freak me out a little."

"I accepted my life. I walked alone. I had my job and you guys and when I closed my door at night and went to bed on my own there was some strange comfort in the idea that that was how I was meant to be."

"You think you don't deserve all this." Stated Fin, terrified by the realisation of what really lay behind her dark, steeping melancholy. "You think you were somehow destined to be freakin' miserable and alone your whole life?"

"I love Elliot, more than anything. Evie is my _whole life_ and Sam is….." catching her breath Olivia waited a moment before breaking Fin's heart with a rasping, whispering smile through tears, "… my babies are the first people that ever completely belonged to me."

"Oh baby doll…." murmured Fin, falling to his knees in front of Olivia and pulling her firmly into his arms, pinning her against his chest and rocking her gently, "….how many kinds of hell can you put your own crazy self through?"

"It's just like…..like the whole time I'm holding my breath….." she gasped, between sobs, "….just waiting for something or someone….to take it all away from me…."

"Liv you have _got_ to stop doing this to yourself!"

"Everyone I ever loved….." perhaps it was the exhaustion talking, the aftershocks of what had undoubtedly been the most brutal of childbirths, or perhaps she had just lost the ability to hide herself from him "….left."

"You gotta swallow this. You gotta. If you don't it's gonna eat you alive and it is gonna _kill_ the kick ass thing you've got going with Stabler."

"I…."

"You gotta start believing that he's not going anywhere. Stabler didn't put that ring on your finger lightly. He risked everything that ever meant anything to him to be with you and you gotta stop making him jump through hoops to prove what he's already proven a million times over. He's freakin' besotted with you and you're not being fair keep doubting that."

"It's Rollins…." as he shook his head at the sudden, complete revolution in conversation Olivia gratefully accepted a tissue and added, "…. isn't it?"

"What?" he said, attempting to appear confused.

"Don't be coy Odafin it doesn't suit you."

"Well you sure found your fight, cheekbones."

"She's your peach pie, isn't she?" asked Olivia, and he knew to take that the fact she was not fighting him in all that he had said as reassurance she had not only listened, but had heard him. He had made his point and she had ingested it.

"She's not like anyone I've ever known before."

"She's a handful that's for sure. Behind that blonde haired, blue eyed cutesy thing she's got going on there's a real ball buster. She's a regular little Pandora."

"Aren't we all?" challenged Fin, having known more than one beautiful tragedy in his time and one of them was sitting opposite him at that moment. "We all have something."

"You know you'd have a much easier ride with Warner."

"Probably."

"You really like Amanda, don't you?" watching him not even flinch at her attempts to throw him off Olivia felt herself relax a little. "Well good for you."

"You think I'm doing the right thing telling her? Giving it a chance?" she was the only person in the world he could ever have begun to even contemplate asking such questions outright to.

"Fin I tried to pass of El's kid as David Haden's. I almost moved to Boston with a man I wasn't in love with to raise a child in a lie because I am _that_ scared of losing people. I push Elliot away at _every chance _I get because it is so much easier than admitting how much I need him. How much I love him. I didn't choose him. I didn't choose to feel the way I feel and it is scary and it is exhausting but….." shaking her head and rounding her shoulders powerlessly Olivia sighed, "….but you have to tell her, Fin. You have to give it a chance. Otherwise what's the point in any of it?"

"Cragen called her in this morning. She reckons he's gonna make us sit down with someone and talk about our little boat ride."

"I reckon she's right."

"I'm gonna swing by and pick her up..." it was one of the rare moments in which Olivia had ever seen him so adorably bashful, "….take her someplace we can talk."

"Go get her tiger."

"I know you're mocking me but I'm choosing to ignore you….." muttered Fin, narrowing his eyes, "…. it's hard to know whose more annoying sometimes, you or old man Munch."

* * *

><p>"Nick."<p>

"Fin, hey buddy, what are you doing here?" asked Nick with a far sunnier demeanour than his co-worker was able to muster. He knew the score with Nick and Amanda, everyone did. For months he had taken advantage of her kindness and they had forgiven it because no one should have had to suffer the way the Amaro family had. Losing Maria was one thing but for a sex crimes detective to handle his own daughter's abuse with the calm and grace that Nick had was nothing something Fin took lightly. He begrudgingly respected the man.

"I came to….."

"Detectives…." said Donald Cragen with surprise, as the elevator opened to reveal two of NYPD's finest looking determined and disgruntled with equal measure, "… to what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?"

"I came to tie up a few lose ends before I head off on vacation….." replied Nick, wandering around the issue before attempting to be casual as he confessed, "… and I thought I heard Rollins say she was stopping by."

"She's meeting me." Said Fin reaching out and grabbing what he was determined, now more than ever, to make his.

"I'm sorry guys but she left already….." said Cragen, his eyes narrowing as he deciphered the complex codes and the tension running through his squad room.

"Left?" asked Fin, floored.

"She say where she was headed?" asked Nick, attempting to be casual as he and Fin shifted their weight between their feet like territorial cats.

"Yeah, yeah did she not tell you guys?" on seeing that neither man appeared at all in the known Cragen sighed wearily. "She's gone home."

"Home?" though Fin could hear himself stating the obvious like a sullen child he couldn't help it. His brain was unable to compute and his heart was too full.

"Not to Georgia?" said Nick with an incredulous tone, his eyes popping from their sockets slightly.

"She say why?" swallowed Fin, sucking everything he felt as far and as deep inside of him as was possible.

"Her Captain called, they got an incredible lead on a cold case she threw her whole life at a few years back and…."

"So she's just gone? Just like that? Without so much as a…."

"Amaro this isn't personal. You guys know better than anyone that when duty calls…"

"God _damn_ duty!" exclaimed Nick, his voice raw and his eyes pricked with the white hot indignation that blind duty had killed his wife and was now about to break his little girl's heart all over again.

"It was a 911 situation. They had me brief her, take her cell, badge and gun and put her on the next available flight." Said Cragen, but it meant little to Nick as he turned on his heel and stormed between the desks.

"She's got no cell phone?" asked Fin, to which Cragen shook his head but gave no further explanation.

"She _had_ to go, Amaro."

"Try explaining that to Zara!"

"You're staying pretty quiet there Detective Tutuola."

"Humph."

"Got something you wanna get off your chest?" asked Cragen, softening slightly around the edges on seeing an unfamiliar vulnerability in his detective's eyes. The gentle giant was rattled and it was painful to see.

"Nope, nope thanks but….." swallowing hard, and wincing slightly as the bottled cocktail of shock and disappointment burned his throat Fin shrugged, "… I'm good, cap."

"Well if you change your mind you know where I am….." sighed Cragen kindly, before gesturing casually across at Fin's desk, "….oh and Rollins left you a note on top of that file from 1PP over there. I think it's a word of warning for your sit down with the psyche tomorrow."

"I'll take a look, thanks."

_"(404) 115-4833 – Peach x"_

* * *

><p>"What's this?"<p>

"What does it look like?" asked Olivia, folding what she realised was one of far too many black t-shirts she owed into her overnight holdall and smiling.

"You're really getting on board with this?" asked Elliot, looking down at the real estate listings he had read endlessly to her the whole while she was in her coma. "You're serious about us getting a bigger place together?"

"Well we can't stay at my place forever…." she replied casually, "… not unless it grew since the last time I was there."

"I know you're heart set on staying in Manhattan but I just don't see our budget stretching to…."

"So we'll look across the water." She shrugged, as though it were nothing at all. "Your kids are in Queens so it makes sense we'd at least check out what we could get there."

"You'd move to Queens?" he was breathless, he realised. She had taken his breath away: again.

"El we gotta think about how this is gonna work. When we bring Sam home there's no place to put him. He can crash in our room for a while like Evie did when she was tiny but we can't live on top of each other for ever and when Evie starts pre-school….."

"I love you."

"Two of those houses look like the kind of place we usually enter with a warrant and a weapon but that third one on the corner of…."

"Liv?" waiting for her full attention and appreciating just how much of herself she was giving him right now Elliot simply stared. Stared at all her beauty and complexity, all her insecurity and compassion, all her confusion and kindness, all of the reasons he couldn't have lived in a world without her.

"Yeah?" she asked, not entirely sure why he was looking at her with those eyes.

"I love you."

"Okay I know they're discharging me but if you think _that's _happening any time soon you are sorely mistaken so…."

"Shut up!" he cried, crossing the room with his head shaking in mind astonishment. "That wasn't what I meant….." sighing indulgently as he reached for her hands Elliot rolled his eyes and smiled, "… and you _know_ it wasn't."

"I love you too….." she chuckled softly, tossing her own eyes heavenward and adding with a groan, "… I must do if I'm even _considering_ living in Queens."

"Mr and Mrs Stabler?"

"I keep telling you we're not…." began Elliot, before shrugging defeated, "….oh hell we're as good as."

"Olivia I know the nurses are on with getting your papers together and I'm so glad you're well enough to head home but…."

"That 'but' doesn't sound good." As her stomach sank to somewhere around her toes Olivia's eyes darted sideways to Elliot, who slid an arm instinctively around her waist.

"I've just been to assess Sam's progress in the last 24 hours."

"Yeah?" asked Elliot, feeling as though seconds were spinning out into days.

"I'm afraid I have to be honest with you both and say that there hasn't been any. In fact he's lost a couple of ounces and his reliance on artificial respiratory…."

"Where are you going with this, doctor?" asked Olivia quietly, having delivered enough bad news in her career to be able to anticipate it's arrival.

"I came down here….." reaching across and dragging a chair across the neonatal obstetrician gestured toward the two other chairs in the corner of Olivia's room and exhaled heavily, "….because we need to have a conversation."


End file.
